Saturday, October 29, 2005

   Notes to Self
These are some funny notes to self I found waiting in one of my long-forgotten files. Just some humor, enjoy!

1. Learn Kung Fu from the talking hamster.

2. Kick hamster's butt.

3. Scientists say coconuts are three times harder than the human skull, prove them wrong.

4. Practice Kung Fu on coconuts.

5. Coconuts are harder than your head.

6. When you see the little birdie flying around your head, remember you can't catch it.

7. Try to do a flying side kick over a brick wall.

8. When trying to do a flying side kick over a brick wall, remember you have to jump before you get to the wall.

9. You cannot phase through walls.

10. Stop trying to phase through walls.

12. You are a fairy

13. There are two types of fairies

14. Since you are a girl, you are the type with wings

15. Find fairy wings.

16. Search out more of your kind.

17. The men in white coats are not playing hide-and-seek.

18. If you walk around the edge of your round room, eventually you will find a corner.

19. The men in white coats will tie you down before you find the corner.

20. You're not in sane.

21. You cannot be in sane because you will not fit in sane.

22. No matter how long you try to tell people that you came from the computer, they will insist that you came from the asylum.

23. When you hear the loud disembodied voice in the grocery store, do not hail it as God.

24. When the loud disembodied voice says "Clean up in isle four," God is not giving you a commandment.

25. Do not dive for quarters in an empty swimming pool.

26. When on the diving board, jump off the end that has water.

27. No one will notice if you fart in a hot tub while the bubbles are on.

28. When farting in a swimming pool, get in the middle of a large group of people, go under water and use the propulsion to escape while they try to figure out who did it.

29. You don't need a pen to write e-mail.

30. If you forget your name when introducing yourself, pull out your underwear, Mom wrote it on the tag.

31. If you're standing on the edge of a high cliff, do not take a sudden interest in the ground below.

32. Do not reacquaint yourself with the ground from high places.

33. Do not reacquaint yourself with the ground from anywhere; the ground is painful.

34. Tall people are not kind when confused with jungle gyms.

35. Tall people get very annoyed when you stand on their head and shout "I'm queen of the world!"

36. Tall people are capable of dropping you from high places.

37. If someone yells "Duck!" do not turn around and ask "Where?"

38. Short people don't like it when you pet the tops of their heads.

39. Short people do not like being used as step ladders.

40. Short people are not dangerous.

41. Discard last note.

42. You should not chase squirrels.

43. Squirrels are faster than they look.

44. Rabid squirrels are not to be tampered with.

45. Do not hold staring contests with pictures.

46. You can stare at a picture for five hours, eleven minuets, and two seconds; it won't blink but you will.

47. NEVER put your finger in the hole of a pencil sharpener and turn the crank.

48. Other bad places for your finger: the paper shredder, the garbage disposal, an animal's mouth, your throat, the blender, the fire, the microwave, the oven, the ice chopper, the toilet.

49. Do NOT lick the schoolyard flagpole during winter.

50. Your taste buds like the frozen flagpole and will want to stay there.

51. If you jerk your head away, your taste buds WILL stay there.

52. You won't fit in the washing machine, find new test subjects.

53. The spin cycle on the washing machine will not make worms dizzy.

54. The spin cycle on the washing machine will make cats dizzy.

55. Cats throw up twice their body wait when dizzy.

56. Putting the cat in water will not make it better.

57. Unhappy cats are painful.

58. Make contact with aliens.

59. Aliens are nice; they send you sharp things.

60. If you spray dust bunnies with hair spray and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

61. The above is fun, repeat often.

62. ...Mom doesn't like flaming dust bunnies.

63. Mom takes away things she doesn't like.

64. Find out why Santa is so fat.

65. Be a good kid, Santa eats the bad ones.

66. It's physically impossible to lick you're elbow.

67. Brake arm so you can lick your elbow and you say you did.

68. Stop trying to lick elbow -- too painful.

69. Pull down pants BEFORE answering the call of nature,

70. Failure to do the above causes wetness.

71. Sit on toilet with pants down when answering the call of nature.

72. Remain on toilet for the entirety of nature's call.

73. Nature can call without warning.

74. Burn all sticky notes; the men in white are starting to ask questions again.

75. Cease contact with the aliens, now the men in black are asking questions.

76. Do not send these to muted faith, too many men in lab coats.

77. On second thought, do, it will confuse them.
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