Wednesday, April 20, 2005

.............
Damn...yesterday was one of those crappy ass days that I would rather forget about. It started out okay, but ended horribly.

I went to school (like a good girl) and sat in my boring classes until about 11 am because I had to subsititue 5th grade at Farmstead. Well, that didn't go so bad, even though the kids tended to not want to listen to me. *laughs* I had to threaten them a couple of times.

As I was on my way home my stupid car died again. That piece of shit just got a new battery put it in and it died! Well, when I tried to turn the car on, it wouldn't turn over and I knew right then that is was the alternator. *growls like Mariku* I was so pissed. Then I had to sit outside in the fucking sun for an hour before mawaw and a guy from my pawpaw's shop got down there to get me home.

The best part was that I got yelled at by mawmaw for not being able to drive and shit like that. *rolls eyes* Then I had to hear it from pawpaw because he came up here and ate supper with us! (My grandparents are divorced).

So my day was totally--blah, but I have to thank a friend for cheering me up while I was online. I didn't think that this particualar person cared about me. Thank you, you know who you are! *winks*

Anyways, I have a damn doctor's appointment today with my old ortheopedic surgeon for my hip. I'll be laid up on one of those damn tables and he's going to push and pull on my leg and, damn, I know it's gonna hurt. *cringes* I can only imagine what he's going to tell me. I have a feeling that I'm gonna get told something that will affect how I look at life today. I'm not sure though...

But a good thing did happen yesterday! My fiancee and I are no longer fighting. *does a DDR jig* We spent a lot of time together the other night on the phone and some time last night and now things are back to normal. I'm so thankful for that right there. I don't know what I would've done if we were to spilt up. I love them with all my heart and they should know this, but it's hard to try and be happy when you're the one being ignored and shoved aside for someone else...

My heel is still killing me as well. I started crying in the shower because I couldn't stand on my left foot and when I shifted all fo my weight to my right leg, my hip started hurting. *sighs* I need to ask the doctor about that too.

I think that's all for now...I wish that I had someone wish me luck at my visit. *whimpers* It's kinda scary...and I have to go with my grandmother. -_-;; she won't let me drive myself--oh wait, my car is in the shop. >.>

So either way, I'm screwed.

(~*Depressed*~)
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

*sighs depressingly*
What really controls human emotions? Could it explain why people are compelled to feel for total strangers? Can emotion be clearly depicted through electrical data? If so, can a human become a machine? Or, even further, can a machine become human? What if emotions have always been data? Perhaps they always have and the illusion of human form serves to shield people from the truth of their existance.

Does humanity exist? Do I exist? What is the true purpose of the "self"? Why do I exist as "me"? Is there even such a thing as a "purpose to existence"? Could it be that a person only exists to die?

If this is so, what of the machine? Can a machine "exist"? Can a machine feel? Can a machine truly feel hate for another being? Can a machine love?

Can I love for that matter? Do I have the power to make someone swoon over me? Can my love for someone be all that they need and can help live off of that? Does my existance matter to anyone?

Do I need to go back to being a machine rather than being human? I'm tired of feeling and suffering through all of these emotions that I do not understand and that no one tries to help me cope with. I'm tired of being left in the shadows alone to suffer...

Someone...pull me out...

(~*Depressed*~)
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Monday, April 18, 2005

Just some things
Well, I decided to update again today. I think I remembered some of the things that I wanted to say, but I'm not sure, so here it goes. *giggles like she's high*

I'm pretty much still trying to work things about with my fiancee. I should be going to see them this weekend and I hope to Ra and every other diety that it helps because I love them so much and I don't want this relationship to end, but I don't want to smother them. *sighs* I'm confused on what they want and such that it's really making it hard for me to think as of late.

Finals are coming up! *throws confetti around* I'm so ecstatic about finals that I cannot wait for school to be out! I'll jump up and down and scream like a damn crack head running from the cops. (Hope I didn't offend any of those crack heads just then.)

Well, I'll jump according to how my heel feels. *laughs because she rhymed* If it doesn't feel any better, than by Ra, I'm gonna start doing a Mexican hat dance to make it stop, even though that might make it hurt worse.

For some reason I want to show off some pictures of my friends and family. *bounces* This is the fun part.



That's my little sister and my friend Jessica. Molli is in the red stripped shirt thing. She's doing some really bad things now and I wish I could help her. I've known Jessica for like 8 years--she's the longest friend I've ever had.



That is Mary and I after I graduated. Goddamn, that was the happiest moment of my life. We were beside her car when that picture was taken.



Okay, that is Terri and I make random faces at a photo booth. Terri is a good friend as well. We try to spend as much time together as we can.

(Okay, I know I'll be killed for these next two pictures. *laughs* But I can't help it)



*waits for Lindsey to kill her* I had to upload this image. This is from the trip to an anime con a group of friends and I went to. (You all may recognize Lindsey from somewhere) Anyways, we had just eaten at McDonalds and while she was taking a drink, I just happened to snap my polariod just right and it looks like she's giving the straw a blow job. *dies out laughing* But Lindsey is really the only person who is closest to me right now for several reasons that I refuse to name.

(apon request, this next image was taken down. I knew she'd have something to say about one of them. lol)

This is another one from the con I took. That's myself, some random girl, and Lindsey. I cosplayed as Mariku while she cosplayed as Bakura. Yes, those are duel disks on our arms. I had to buy those damn things and it cost a fortune. *laughs* When we saw the girl wearing the Sennen Puzzle, we both flipped out and I pointed the Rod at her and the pharoah girl laughed and said, "I knew I would end up running into some adversaries!"
Those are the moments right here that I will never forget.

Welp, that's it for this post. Maybe I'll post some more tomorrow. *waves*
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Meh--
I haven't updated in a while and thought that I should, even though no one comments or says anything to me on here. *whistles innocently* Well, except Andraniea-*huggles her*-and a few others as well.

I did much of nothing this weekend. I pretty much bullshited everything. I got hellaciously sick on Friday and thought I was going to die. My ass only got out of bed to go use the restroom and shower, and occasionally eat something when my grandmother threatened to force feed me.

Hey, I know I act like a kid sometimes, but I can feed my own damn self.

Aside from that, I haven't done much of anything. I'm not really inspired to write because--well, I have no support anymore. I've been trying to work on some of my stories that need to get out of the way so I can rest in piece for a while.

My ankle is killing the HELL out of me. When I apply pressure, I feel like screaming out in pain. I had to give a speech today and before I started talking, I told the class that if my face contorted in pain, that I wasn't making funny faces at them. LOL. A friend from school said that I could have a calcium deposit in my ankle. I hope to Ra that it's not that. I surely don't want my foot to have to be cut off. OF course, I'm probably over exaggerating.

I guess I need to cut down on the DDR.

Welp, I suppose that's it for the update. I'm sure I have more to write about but I can't think of anything right at this moment. *snickers* Whoops.

I'll update later today, possibly. I may upload some images, who knows.

*waves* Ja!
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Friday, April 15, 2005

I don't understand...
I don't understand...even if I try to sit here and think about it, I just don't understand. I cannot seem to grasp the whole meaning behind the ironic situations, and the true meanings behind the words. Am I not wanted...? Am I trying to get better for nothing...? Am I not trying to be true...? Is the futile attempt to make things better not working...?

I don't understand all of these questions...I just cannot seem to understand anything right now. The irony of both escaping at the exact moment after the other--was I pushed aside and made a fool of? Was I lied to?

That question I may be sure of. It's not hard to think that someone(s) is lying to you when several things happen back to back that can't be explained. I can usually see straight through a lie or strange occurances, but it seems that here lately I've been slow on doing it. My mind has been clouded with doubt and thoughts have drifted away with everything that has been going on...

I just only hope we can pick up the pieces together...just one step at a time...
If not...I don't know what I'll do...
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Holy crap, what did I do?
Sorry I haven't been updating people! I was in a recent car crash and was put in the hospital yesterday and got out today. Nothing serious, just a couple of scraps and bruises here and there. I couldn't walk for a couple of hours, but I'll be okay.

On the brighter side of things, a good friend of mine asked me to help her with an original story of hers since she knows that here lately I have been bashed by some people for not being...creative. I had been upset and she asked if I wanted to help her make an idea that she had had for YEARS into a small reality. I agreed and have been writing on this one piece for about two hours today.

Just to let you people know, I am helping in creating the characters for my friend and I am in no way taking them from her. My friend is also going on one of her original ideas and I'd like for you all to not think that she stole them from someone. If you want to visit her MO page, she's on my friends list under the name of "Andrainea".

So, I hope you all enjoy! This little one-shot is so far unnamed, but I hope it meets the standards! Here we go:

-----------------------------------------

The soft clicking of heels sounded in the silent corridors as a slightly robust woman threw open golden crested doors, her beige eyes full of anger.

”My lady, another group has been found dead!”

The addressed woman raised her head slightly, white curls bouncing at her moments, red forelocks hiding deep sunflower colored eyes. A piece of parchment lay in her mocha colored hands, one of her nails tapping on the armrest of the metal throne.

”I am aware of this.”

”Then what are you to do, Lady Sheeza?”

The woman known as Sheeza stood from her throne, descending the stairs as her black cape made an audible swish in the air. Her heels clicked against the marble floor of the palace, her black leather outfit clinging tightly to the hour-glass figured woman.

”You are to do nothing. I am to go to Andrainea for a meeting with the other clan leaders and our queen.”

”By my lady--”

Sheeza turned to her advisor, her cheetah patterned tail uncurling from her waist to twitch angrily, her golden, black splotched ears lying back on her head. She pointed at her advisor, snarling. A quick flash of lighting sent the other woman jumping back from her clan leader, beige eyes wide in fear.

”While I am gone, Ebony, you are to watch over our clan. I will return shortly.”

Ebony nodded, dark blue hair falling over rounded shoulders as she bowed to her leader, right arm crossed over chest. The teenage girl spoke not a word for a simple nod was all Sheeza stayed for. The clan leader strode down the halls at a fast pace, black cape trailing behind her, the slight jeweled crown on her head clinging as metal gently tapped against metal. She entered inside of the space port, pointing to random individuals.

”You, ready my ship and set a course for planet Andrainea; you, call and inform our queen that I am on my way; and you, get off our lazy ass before you’re killed!”

Numerous clan members set to work as their leader’s commands, running around in different directions to completely the tasks at hand. Sheeza stood amongst the ensued chaos, her heeled foot tapping against the ground in annoyance. Usually her people were faster to prepare a ship; after all, the Sheezites were the fastest of all Andrainean creatures.

While she waited on her ever so slowing people, Sheeza began to remember how she came to be. For a moment, brief memories flashed in her mind. The tall, Cheetah like woman saw her human family in their own blood. The grinning faces of those who she thought she was to protect and serve their country had betrayed her. Remembering how pleased those odd soldiers looked upon their handiwork as if a pay raise was involved to get them to do a dirty deed. Shuddering at the thought, Sheeza snapped back to reality only to realize the ship was ready and her people were standing there looking at her dumbfounded. She growled loudly at them.

”What are you standing there for? Prepare for take off!” Sheeza’s commanding voice sounded through the port. She pivoted on her heel, stalking off towards her royal ship. The metal ramp skidded against the floor as the angry Sheezite boarded her ship, sitting at the control panel. Several commands were punched into the computer before she ship hovered off of the ground; the engine’s soft humming sounds turning into a high pitched droning noise.

Several Sheezites moved out of the way and opened the port doors as they allowed their leader to exit the room. Once clear of any buildings, Sheeza slammed her hand onto the hyper space button, the ship stopping for a moment before being engulfed in a bright white light.

Glad that’s over, Sheeza thought to herself, melting into the comfort of the plush leather seat. Sunflower colored eyes slipped shut for a brief moment, memories of before coming back to haunt her.

As anyone could tell, Sheeza wasn’t human. She was what the humans would call a Silverlite or, as she and the people preferred to call themselves, Andraineans. She was once human, but that was buried deep within her past--a past of horrid mistakes and sorrow to last her a life time. She still remembered when those damn government officials had taken her away from her home, killing her entire family in the process. Screams…all that was heard was screams emitting from her throat. At fifteen, she had lost her entire family and was placed underground to be a subject to genetic experimentation. Six thousand young children were accompanied along with herself, sadly; only fifteen hundred survived the testing. Out of those sixteen hundred, over half were females and males with irregular blood types: A negative, AB, A positive, and O negative.

A brief flash brought her back to the laboratory where they had injected her with the “medication”--that vile poison that was injected into her blood stream. Every time she was to receive the treatment, she would remember herself screaming and clutching onto her mocha colored arms, her nails extending, stomach churning and lurching from the inside as her body slowly morphed into a government experiment that was to be used for war.

Over time, the remaining experiments slowly started to fall apart. Out of the sixteen hundred that has survived, a rough estimate of one hundred separated themselves from the so-called “better halves” of the experimentations. The Amberlites, as they so brilliantly called themselves, weren’t near as strong in number as the Silverlites; however, as time passed, the Amberlites had suddenly started to repopulate their people. It was no matter though, the Silverlites would always surpass those who dare to stand in front of them; especially a specific race that prided themselves on how big their ears were or how many feathers they possessed on their arms.

The Andrainean clan leader was shaken from her thoughts as the telecom went off in her ship. She groaned and looked down into the grinning face of Maiqarie.

”Ugh, do you know how repulsive it is to see your face when you wake up from a catnap?”

The green haired woman smirked, her fangs glistening in the light, “Well it is nice to see you too, younger sister.”

”I’m only three hours younger than you and I’d rather not be reminded that we’re related,” Sheeza smirked, arms crossing over her chest.

Maiqarie was indeed Sheeza’s elder sister, but it was hard to tell the two were twins. When they were taken in for experiments, it was hard to tell the two apart, but as time progressed, the appearance of the two slowly changed: Sheeza to that of a cheetah and Maiqarie to that of a leopard; however with appearance change also came personality change. Sheeza now wanted nothing to do with her past while Maiqarie had a tendency to cling to the things she had lost.

”What is it that you need?” The cheetah asked unmoved, her light gold eyes meeting with the onyx ones of her sister.

”Queen Andrainea says that it is imperative you get here as soon as you can, Sheeza. Apparently, new information has been uncovered that might just destroy our race. Toijera and Bitona says there is no such thing whilst Jiijy and I disagree with their statements.”

”Well sister,” a soft rustling sound was heard as the Sheezite clan leader shifted in her seat, “what does Andrainea think?”

A soft sigh was heard as Maiqarie lowered her head, “She says…that it’s…Drake.”

At the mention of the horrific name, Sheeza shot straight up out of the seat, her head banging onto the ships metallic roof. She cursed in her native tongue, rubbing the spot between her ears; however, her mood never once shifted.

”No way in the seven hells can Drake think he can over power the Silverlite empire! That no good piece of government trash better think twice before he declares war against us!”

Maiqarie chuckled softly at her young sister’s antics, her panther ears twitch in happy mirth, “Must I remind you that you’re also a quote-unquote ‘no good piece of government trash’?”

Sheeza growled, her amber orbs sharpening at the remark, “Must I remind you that your voice gives me a headache?”

”Ahh, touché sister,” Maiqarie laughed, a sadistic smirk playing on her red lips. “I’ll be awaiting your arrival at the palace. Ta-ta!”

Of all the nerve…Sheeza fumed with anger as she sat herself back down in her seat, the computer showing that she was nearing her desired destination, but the Andraineans thoughts were no longer on the planet on the screen, it was on him…

”Drake…” She let the name come out in an angry snarl, fists clenching in apparent anger. It had been years she had last heard that name and, for some reason, she knew that today wasn’t going to be the last time that vile man popped up into a conversation.

------------------------------------------

How did that sound? Hopefully I will have more tomorrow! *waves* Until then, ja ne!
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Friday, April 8, 2005

Hit the Floor
Okay people, I'm about sick and tired of everything going on here lately, especially with a certain someone saying that they were in a certain coma and all of her little flocking sheep coming to jump on me and my dear friend.

I'm telling you right now that it better stop. I'm tired of going to my inbox and seeing all of these PMs from people I don't know who are bashing me for expressing how I feel.

And just to set the record straight, maybe why people don't believe that damn story is because there are too many holes in it! Things that I have already pointed out and NEW things I could point out.

Stop PMing me! I don't want to hear anymore shit about how she is some kind of hero who survived a tragic incident!

SOLIDERS who fight in IRAQ are heros! Not little girls who say they are in a coma!

If you little flocking sheep don't leave me, Oreana, and the others alone, your pages will be frozen/deleted. Got that?

Now, eat more anger music. This song is to EVERYONE around me right at this moment.

"Hit The Floor"

There are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me
Wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy
Too many times that I’ve held on when I needed to push away
Afraid to say what was on my mind afraid to say what I need to say
Too many things that you've said about me when I’m not around
You think having the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down
But I’ve had too many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand
And I'm waiting until the upper hand is mine

[Chorus]
(One minute you're on top)
The next you're not watch it drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed your shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then its all gone)

So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies
So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside
So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long
All I know is that all I want is to feel like I’m not stepped on
There are so many things you say that make me feel you've crossed the line
What goes up will surely fall and I’m counting down the time
Cause I’ve had so many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand
And I'm waiting until the upper hand is mine

[Chorus]
(One minute you're on top)
The next you're not watch it drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed your shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then its all gone)
(And then it’s all gone)
(And then its all gone)
(And then it’s all gone)
(Now it’s all gone)

I know I’ll never trust a single thing you say
You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway
And all the lies have got you floating up above us all
But what goes up has got to fall

[Chorus]
(One minute you're on top)
The next you're not watch it drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed your shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then its all gone)
(And then it’s all gone)
(And then its all gone)
(And then it’s all gone)
(Now it’s all gone)

(*~PISSED!*~)
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Thursday, April 7, 2005

Irony?
It's ironic how two different people think the same thing at the same time and say that same thing as they other person...I don't like it. It bugs the hell out of me and causes me to become paranoid--which I don't need to be paranoid right now.

Damn, and that was totaly random.

Anyways, here's a song of the moment brought to you by me. What I've been listening to as of late. Welcome to my anger music.

?"Easier To Run"

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
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Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Good Morning? Blah--more like Bad morning
Didn't get much sleep last night, go figure. I had a fight with my fiancee that lasted all day long and those are the fights that I abhorre. Due to this fight, my tears clouded my thoughts far into the night, however, the one thing that got me to sleep was thoughts of us together.

Irony?

I also want to formally apologize to my friends who were on the recieving end of my...emotions. I was being really irrational last night and was lashing out at everyone. I just want to apologize to Oreana, TKB, Terri, Firestorm, and Harry for how I treated you guys last night. It was really rude of me to do so.

But I'm not taking back the rant I did on the little girl nor do I take back anything I said. That was the one thing that got me smiling last night, and I'll tell you why.

When Oreana first pointed me out to her website, I didn't believe it to begin with. There is no way on God's green Earth that a doctor can tell a person when he/she is going to go into a coma and how severe it's going to be! There is no way! If a doctor had that kind of power, he would be labeled as God and there would be no more church services on Sundays, instead you would all flock like the little FOLLOWING SHEEP to a hospital and have the sermon there.

Now doesn't that sound reasonable?

Doctor's will not allow a patient to get onto a laptop after just coming out of a coma. As a matter of fact, laptops--AREN'T EVEN ALLOWED.

This is really disappointing to say the least. I thought that you people would at least try to think and be reasonable about this, but everytime I go to Jennifer's website I see all of these hits and just shake my head with a big sigh. Guys, she's just a little kid who only wants attention and can do it by saying she's dying! God, give me a break!

If she's going to "die", she needs to get it over with. If not, she needs to sit before a firing squad. I'm sick of all of this stupid nonsense when everyone here should be worrying about the men and women around the world who are dying.

ASIDE from that, it's almost 6 am. I've got a math test this morning at 6:40 and I need to go study for it before so I don't fail it. I've made A's on all of my tests so far and I don't want to ruin my streak now.

Wish me luck! Ciao everyone!
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Monday, April 4, 2005

There's only one thing I hate most in this world--
The only thing I hate more in this world other than people who kill and thieves are LIARS! And not just any ordinary liars, the people who lie about REAL LIFE PROBLEMS like DEATH and aren't even dying.

And I'm not afraid to say names, but yes, I'm talking about someone who has gotten everyone's hopes up that she's "dying". I don't care if you people come to my site and curse me out for this, because all I'll do is laugh--laugh at you IDIOTIC people whole believe her bull shitin' sob story.

And to think they say there are actually intellectual people in this world.

I want you people to take a good look at her posts and notice the loopholes in them!

For one, did you notice how both of them have the same crappy ass spelling? What, did they just get out of elementary school or something? Or better yet, PRE-SCHOOL?!

Another thing is that you people don't realize is that a doctor cannot tell you when you're going to go into a coma. That is NOT POSSIBLE! If the doctor was, say, God or Jesus, maybe it could be. A doctor will never tell a patient "Well, you're going to go into a coma on THIS DAY". If a person is terribly ill, they will tell you steps of the disease. Like with cancer of the kidneys (which my grandfather had). They sat us all down and told us what happened and said he MIGHT go into a coma.

If doctors could predict when a person could slip into a coma, they would get paid a helluva lot more now and be praised more.

And another thing that pisses me off about her/him/their cousin/their uncle/whoever the hell posts on there, is that they talk about how she wants PMs after she just woke up from a coma. PLEASE PEOPLE! For God's sake, if you wake up from a coma, that last thing a doctor is going to let you do is get on the internet! They don't even allow laptops in fucking hospitals! They mess up the equipment's signals and what not.

How do I know? Well, my aunt is a radiologist and I have several family members who are nurses.

I can just only hope that the people reading this are intellectuals and will understand what I mean and take it into consideration. Wait, don't take it into consideration, BELIEVE ME!

So many people have replied to her posts with "Death isn't a funny issue".

DO YOU SEE ME LAUGHING?! (Actually, I am laughing at you idiots who actually believe this sob story.) Death isn't a funny issue here people! There are billions of people around the world dying and suddenly all of you care for one simple girl who none of you have probably even met in your life and you don't even know if she's lying or not.

I tell you what, I thought I was a gullible person but you guys take the cake. If she dies, she should go to hell for the lies she's telling. Joking about death isn't funny, neither is faking it.

And this is not directed to everyone! This is only directed to those who believe her sob story. And for those who don't, I'll support you all in your endeavors.
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