Thursday, May 5, 2005

It's a never ending cycle of hurt...

Mood of the Day: Dark and Insecure Currently bleeding to the song: Dark Blue I changed the music on the site to something rather—depressing and mellow. Until things get better, it’ll probably stay in that dark and depressing tone. Who knows. Charity left today and I cried so hard. I’ll probably continue to cry spontaneously for days on end. I’ll miss her so much. She was more than a best friend to me—she was a sister. She was there for me through a lot of troubles in my life and she knew me almost better than anyone. She and Jessica have been my longest friends. Yeah, for a time I only thought they used me for cigarettes, but I found it wasn’t true when they proved that they would always be there for me. They never went back on their word when it came to that. It’ll be another year before I get to see her again, but I know I will see her again. Oh Lordy, I’m gonna cry again. I got an interesting surprise today when I checked my email one day and found that Rouge’s Ronin asked me to be the Author of the Month for May. I felt so—proud of myself when that was presented upon me. She never made me a little banner! ^^ I didn’t know my writing skills were that good, but I was proved wrong with that email. She’s such a sweet person and a kind one for naming me her author of the month! When I saw it today on her site I cried. Rouge’s Site I also got a sweet PM from tangertine that had a little banner that she made for me. I did cry when I saw that. It was so sweet of her to do so, especially when I’m having it so hard, it’s nice to know that people care for me. When I read her kind words (or anyone’s kind words) it makes me smile. Of course, I’m a sucker for giving kind words and romantic ones. *snickers* But to let you know there are only so many things that I will tell my friends when it comes to words. There are people out there who I love like sisters and if something were to happen to them, yes, a part of me would die, but there are words that I tell my lover that I would never tell my friends. Yes, I’ll tell a friend “I love you”, but I won’t sit there and sugar coat words for them like I would for my lover. That is just wrong and it does cause people’s minds to wander. I don’t know, I’m just weird about that. I have a hard time trusting people because I’ve been betrayed and backstabbed so much in my life that it’s hard for me. I never asked for anything from people and when I do receive something, it makes my heart swell with happiness; however, I also feel guilty because I don’t know what I can do for them! I have to start doing things for other people that do things for me; it’s the only right thing to do. I’ll have to start doing more things for people now, I must remember that. Damn, I’m emotional today. Anywho, I haven’t talked to my fiancée all day today and I—miss them. I really do, but I’ve got to show that I can go without talking to them for a couple days, besides, they wanted a break so I don’t even know if I can call them ‘fiancée’ anymore. It may be more like—ex-fiancée? Hell, I don’t know. I’m so confused right now I don’t know what to call anyone anymore. I got my paycheck of the board of education today and got a whooping seventeen dollars! Hell yeah! Well, you know what that’s gotta go to? Mother’s Day Cards! I’ve got to buy so many I don’t know what to think. lol. The money I have left will go for gas and cigarettes, since now I’m smoking for than ever since all of this shit that’s been dealt to me. Mawmaw’s been letting this lady stay with us for the past couple of days until pawpaw finishes building his apartments. Anyways, her daughter was killed a couple of days ago just before the girl was suppose to marry and then Deb’s (the woman who’s staying with us) husband left her after 19 years of marriage and she needed a place to stay until the apartment got finished. I feel sorry for her, but she’s a nice lady. Very sweet. And wtf is up with everyone’s lovers leaving them in their greatest times of need? That is fucked up right there, son. I need to make a new ID too. *whistles innocently* My current one is way to big and is getting rather old to look at. *tries to get ideas for it* Guh—I’m so tired. I think I may go to bed soon. All the crying and shit wore me out. ^^ I’m gonna finish watching some TV and hit the hay. I ish tired. Until the next update! ~~Winter Yuy Art © Meilin Wong

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