Saturday, May 7, 2005

A deep sigh of relief as the sun goes down

Feeling Quite: Satisfied and Calm Chanting a relaxing mantra to: Kakumei by DJ Taka feat. Naoki Lately I've been really uptight and stressed out over a lot of different things in my life. School, work, family, relationships, and the price of gasoline. It seems that lately even the small things have gotten so big. I can't see around them to what is important. Then I heard a voice. It wasn't from God or the Devil, it was just a reminder. A lesson of life I lost when I grew up. "When the sun goes down eventually it will rise again." I've been so preoccupied by people and opinions and tragedies happening all over the world, including those near my home, that I've found myself wishing for the silence of a hummingbird's wings. In the times of the crusades it is rumored that some people in search of religious cleansing would spend a year in silence. Imagine the thunderous clamor of a pen scratching paper would be during that time and now a pen scratching paper is as close to silence as you can get. Lately I feel that I have been a slave to my own anger. It's like I'm angry because toothpicks won't hold up a train track. What do I do when the train's coming? I've decided to give up on toothpicks and concentrate on the larger, stronger, more positive side of my personality and let the train take care of itself. Being polite can take years off of your life; especially when you're being polite for the wrong reasons. You wouldn't be polite to an axe murderer trying to kill you. Also, in a less serious sense, you wouldn't be polite to someone forcing their opinions on you either. I'm not a politician. I DO NOT have to please both sides of a dispute. My life is changing today. I do not consider myself "strictly religious", but I do believe in the wisdom of religious peace. Josh Billings once said, "Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute." Anger, jealousy, envy, spite, and malice will no longer be a part of my daily life. It is pointless to be polite just as it is pointless to be angry. From now on, my weapon against the worlds pressures will be...silence. I will NOT lay down for anyone to walk all over me, but I will NOT step on others for the satisfaction either. Some may call it indifference, rude, or even cowardice. Frankly, they can call it whatever they want as long as they call someone else to bitch about it. I'm finished. It's over. The gloves are off! Not because I'm ready to punch someone, it's simply because I don't need them anymore. A friend once said, "It's always easier to see something when it's not happening to you." I have found this to be very true. For most of my life, I have tried to figure out why people keep hurting my feelings when I'm just trying to be the best person that I can. Well, after putting a mirror to my own self image, I figured out why: I am a fan of anime, I do offer love unconditionally (sometimes to quickly), I love my family even through the arguments, and I forgive those who, by some standards, do not deserve to be forgiven, and I TRULY believe that everyone deserves a second chance. True, I have been described as somewhat "clingy", but that will change. I have realized I do not need someone else's happiness to sustain me. I must find peace and happiness within myself. It seems the easiest way to do that is to just be...myself. I am lose friends over this post or over my new attitude to the world, but frankly a real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. If you know me and you want to walk out--go. This is not anger or hurt feelings. It's an invitation. "He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words." - Elbert Hubbard. ~~Winter Yuy Art © Meilin Wong

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