Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Alone...
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Mood: Alone Song and Singer: None Okay to start this off I am sorry for anything you may read in here. I know it has sounded like I'm getting better, well in all honesty I ain't. I have just made it seem like it, cause I didn't wanna worry any of you but now, today, I'm gonna come out and post my true feelings. I've kept up with this only to let my "Friends" know how I'm doing. But I guess sence no one reads it I don't see any reason to post in it any more. I'm only seeing comments from one person, so she's the only one who I know for sure reads it. I also only see myself get mentioned in Tori and Seth's otaku more than anyone else. I can feel myself drifting away from a lot of people. Which I knew was goin' happen but I never would've guessed I'd be this early. *shrugs* This always happenes when I make friends. We drift, ether they stop talking to me or for some other reason I'd rather not say. Also I might point out I see my "friends" getting together and I never know about it until it's to late. I know I'm in school and have to be home at a certain time, but even on weekends: Friday, sat, and sun. I don't get invited to hang out. When I'm outta school I'll have no deadline to be homw but I bet even then no one will invite me to hang out. Seth, Tori and Mint are the only ones who really talk to me anymore, but Tori, and seth I can feel some slip happing. Makin' friends is just so troublesome I think that I am just gonna stop. My list of people I call friends have gotten smaller, because I don't feel like they see me as Friends. I understand that I talk to much in IM, so guys if you don't wanna talk to me just tell me to SHUT UP and I will. I'm "NO" longer gonna IM people first anymore. Cause I get the feeling that you only talk to me cause you feel like you have to. I get no or one comment of myotaku post's so I think I'm just gonna stop posting all together, I may just stop coming online. This might scare a few people well I'm sorry and "DON'T" get worried. I have already written two suicide notes and half of a third. I don this only because when I write them it makes me think about me life. I never plan on using them, or will I didn't plan on using one. But I'm never gonna use them again. If i write one it's just to set my feelings out in a way that doesn't involve physical pain. Yes I know it causes emotion pain and scars (some dont' heal) but it makes me feel better. I love to hang out with people and it makes me feel better. In fact if you notice it's only when it's quiet or I see having fun do I get down and depressed. See I never really go hang out with people who are having fun unless I'm invited and more often than not I'm not, so I sit by myself and become depressed. At school it's the same, only when I get invited to come over and hang out I get turned into a scapegoat of the group. I might drop out of High School cause of that. People don't relize that it's what they do to people like me that cause school shootings. In fact I'm surprized that I havn't done it already. Since no one really seems to read this I'm only gonna leave little notes to the people who comment after this post. Mark- I know you work a lot and are busy, but I'm starting to feel distant towards you. Even if i don't want to I some how see that you where online when I saw and all I saw was busy and I never got an IM. I don't mean to sound rude so I'm sorry if I do. Seth and Tori- I feel some slip happening between us. Mint-good to hear from you again. Everyone else *shrugs* So on an end note I'm "NO" longer gonna IM people, you'll havta IM me first that way I'm not forcing you to talk. This is the only post that has made me even remotly cry real tears.T.\\ -Tala out.

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