Tuesday, June 7, 2005

From the shadow's the past hunts us *rant warning* Mark, seth, wuffers fair warning if you don't wanna deal with my Gaara mood rant than don't read
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Mood: dark, gaara-ish >.> Well, aside from three people I'm not gonna IM people anymore. I'm gonna stick to it this time. If anyone wants to talk with me, or cares enough they can IM me first. I know I've said this in the past but I'm gonna do it this time. If you wanna talk then you IM me first. Cause I know a certain person who reads this is avoiding me. I had fun at a-kon and loved seeing everyone. I wasn't distant at all, or not that I know of. When I went off at the dance it was because I cannot stand so many people so close to me like that. Sitting up on the skywalk I was up there only because I could go OOC fast and no one would know. I wasn't distant at all, but I am going to be soon. I might stop coming online or just go off all together. If I was to not log on for a few days without warning who would care enough to send offline IM's, call, ect. This is what I'm going through right now. I don't want help, cause I can help myself with all this. Sorry to seem rude but I can. I know everything you three (mark, seth and wuffers) have told me. I just needa be able to do it. People keep saying cheer up. It might be easy for everyone else to cheer up, but for me; It's hard. I can do it, if fact I cheer up everytime I talk with mark and seth. I just get down and moody when I hear of things that I've tried to do but can't. I sux at school, being a good friend, ect. I don't know anything I'm good at. I have noticed that now only one person tells me if they are logging off or going afk. I've also noticed that when I try to talk to some people they avoid me by not talking back, this is why I'm not gonna IM anyone but those three cause if they wanna talk they can say Hi first. I even tried to make friends at a-kon, made one outta everyone so I'm gonna stop trying to make friends. In fact I can tell I lost 3 during a-kon, and I ain't saying which three ether. I lost three and gained one, well it could be worse. Now onto another rant. I'm leaving for camp tomorrow, only one person really talked to me. I guess no one cares that I'm gonna be gone for a while. See this is why I just don't care anymore. Last night I went cold and stiff and stopped breathing. I wanted to start again then I thought of this type of thing and really didn't care anymore what happened. I've started to wonder if I should go to anymore con's this year. I know upon turning 18 I'm going to stop caring about school. If i go on till then. My mind has finally shut down. I see no real reason to stay awake other than the fact that I know Seth might lose it if she lost another one and that Mark would bring me back to life and kill me then kill me in my afterlife. My camp is from wed to friday. I'm going to become so cold over those days it ain't even funny. I'm not going to eat at all while there, I'm just not going to care, while I am there. Upon coming home I want to get with some of my friends and go to Main event on Friday. But I doupt any of 'em will come and I don't want to go there alone. I just wanna close my eyes and not open them again. That's what I'm going to be like all at the camp. I don't want to go, I never wanted to go. Just because I didn't cry at my dad's service doesn't mean there's something wrong with me, it just means I didn't like him and it doesn't bug me he's dead. I wish I had someone who I could just go lean on right now. Some to comfert me, but I don't; well not irl anyway. I was away from home thurs, fri, sat, and almost all of sun last week. I want to be home not be here for two days then turn and leave, not like anyone cares to talk to me before I go. Please tell me to get over it. I try, but I can't. Others tell me to think of happy stuff when I think of sad, dark things like dying, but I can't. I have very few happy memories or few happy things I can think of and when I'm in this mood one of them is death. I just wonder if there is any reason to come back online once i get home. If there is any reason I should even come home for that matter. People say a home is where you feel welcome. This isn't it. My home are my dead, or dying dreams. I don't know why I have any. I just kill myself with stuff that'll never come true. A-kon was fun, I loved it. I just... I was being someone else while I was there, and no I don't mean that cause I was cosplaying. I mean I was happier than I truly was. My face was a mask. I think the dances where the only time i was truly happy. The point of this post was to try and say whats going on. It seems that only one or two people read it anyway. Plus to me I got this so I could post my thoughs and other stuff, if you like it then just let me know and stop reading it. I post what I feel. I've been like this for longer than anyone, or that I know of. 6 years is the least I've been like this. I feel unwelcome at places, gathering, and cons. I see people happy, having fun, hanging out with firends or making new ones. I made one and lost 3. I just don't want to deal with the pain that people judge based on what they see, like at school. It hurts me deep down. I just... I want to know I'm loved and cared about. I know seth, mark, wuffers care about me. I care about them too. Well I shall post friday about the god damn camp. If I see a reason to even get online. I'll have my cell with me so if you want to talk call, those of you who have my number that is. I would love to talk while I'm there, if I can sneak away from the staff. >=). Well unless I see a reason to get back on this is Tala saying goodbye and so long forever.

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