Friday, February 17, 2006

I feel like shit
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Mood: Shitty, emo.. Sorry for whomever my read it... Life, a game some play, Life, a battle that some fight, Life, a gift that some throw away. Time and time again I do all those things... I have yet to throw it away. I'm to cowerdly to do that, plus I know It'll hurt the ones I hold dear... even if they don't hold me dear anymore. Right now I am so fucking torn up... I don't know what to do... all I want to do is curl up in a darkened corner and cry. I'm being torn up from the inside out... starting at the heart...It's split right down the center and tearing apart. I'm happy as I have been in a while, yet I'm depressed and full of guilt and regreat... I know why I'm feeling both of those things, I also know I can do nothing about them now... Hell, -sighs and whines- I think I'm starting to go crazy... cause how the Hell can I be happy yet miserable all at the same fucking time... just someone shoot me ><.. Half of is losing it's will to go on.. yet the other part of me is saying keep going it'll get better... Ever since I got back from the cruise my social life has just been going down the drain.. I think going on that cruise was the worst choice of my life... I think... in a way... it ruined my social life. I missed so many things while I was away... I'm going to be missing a gather of my friends cause I'm going outta town again... My social life has just died it seems... aside from going from being sick for about a week and a half to having to walk on a foot that feels like it's about to fall off with every step to now... I worry what is to come next... Right now I wish I could just take away all my memories and start anew... just so I could forget everything that's ever hurt.. everything I've ever done, everything I've ever regreated... just be able to start all over again... just enough so my life won't hurt... It's been a while since I've had feeling this strong and this... -shakes head-.. it's just been a while. I know I have friends that tell me to call.. seth, maki... but as of late I've been feeling a distance from them and I don't want to bug them... I don't want to wake them... last time I felt this bad I let it all go by talking to my hamster... As if all this wasn't enough... school is killing me... making me feel worse than I should... it's enough to make me want to drop-out as I first wanted to... now it's another thing I am torn again... I... I just need a way to get away from everything for a while... yet... I'll feel like shit after because I'll lose touch with all my friends and... well I needen't say what finishs it... And to add ontop off all this... I'm becoming to wild... I bit my mom without meaning to, I just felt an urge to bite... and I bit and drew blood... shit, if I keep this up they'll deem me a danger to socity and put me in one of those Loony Bins... I belong there... I believe that I do... just... I just feel dead... inside and out.. I agree with that quote... only because it's the truth.. I've also begun to wonder... what my life would be like if those people had managed to kidnap me... if I hadn't ran what would have happened to me... to my life... it makes me think... Now for just some random icons that go along with my mood Alright thats all for now... I'm sorry for whoever actually read this all... I just needed this off my chest... I doupt anyone read this all the way, -shrugs- `tala

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