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Birthday • 1993-05-02 Gender •
Female Location • Here Member Since • 2005-05-30 Occupation • Life preserver :) Real Name • Belina
Personal
Achievements • http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said Anime Fan Since • Ever since Pokemon Favorite Anime • I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3 Goals • Make it out of here in one piece Hobbies • Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown Talents • :)
myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
I haven't gotten any better. Keep fantasizing about cutting myself. Even moments when I'm happy--truly, genuinely happy--are fleeting. Every morning when I wake up, my stomach is a poisonous knot of nerves and fear.
We were supposed to go to mass today (it's the Blessed Mother's Birthday), but my brother Rob never came home last night and my dad stayed up all night waiting for him and my mom had to go to class so we couldn't go. Didn't have a ride.
I can't even cry about it anymore--that's how sick of it I am.
I always swear up and down I'll be stronger and more independent and demand the respect I deserve when in reality all I want is to be with him and it's killing me.
So, alright, he doesn't want to sleep with me anymore--doesn't mean he has to leave me. We waited to do it for ten whole months! Would've been longer, if we'd have been more careful and had more self-control.
Why is it I always end up hating everyone I fall in love with? And if it's so painful, so damn damaging, why do we do it to ourselves? It's like some kind of narcotic, I swear--you fall in love and are happy and "just fine" and "getting by" will never be enough ever again. Even after everything goes to hell and there's nothing left, you still hang on, hoping for just a glimpse of what you felt in the beginning.
I used to watch a show called Joan of Arcadia. It was about this teenager named Joan who could talk to God and hear Him--like Joan of Arc, but modern-day. In one of the episodes, after having her heart broken, Joan asks God why love has to be so painful and God says something like, "Because love is a big light, illuminating the entire universe. And a big light casts a lot of shadows."
I never realized how true that was until now.
An emo classic, I know, but this is exactly I how feel--well, if not exactly, a damn good summary.
Gonna go shower and wonder how the hell this happened now.
ily
~Belinda Comments (0) |
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Sunday, December 2, 2012
Maybe, baby,
One of these days
I'll rise above the
Smoke and mirrors of
My own skull.
I guess I'm just self-absorbed enough not to be offended when you walk
Off.
Maybe I'm just arrogant enough to think that
You'll come
Back
And be able to handle me someday--
Not like a caged animal,
But like two people who
Understand and respect one another
Beyond, between, and underneath
This world's bad poetry.
And I'm not trying to make Hallmark(etable) cards
Out of mole-hills,
Not trying to be vogue and vague,
Just trying to explain
That love lives long after hearts break and lovers die to hate
So not even after death doth you part,
For better or for worse
I'm here, in the library, waiting for him to pick me up and take me to his church so I can help set up the nativity like he said I would. Honestly, I'm not even sure if he got out of bed and there's no way to check because his phones not working, so I walked around campus looking for him for the past twenty minutes and... I just wanna strangle him. At the same time, I know he's been sick (104 degree fever) so I'm kind of worried sick.
I want to kill him and nurse him back to health at the same time--hug him forever and break his gdamn neck.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
btmh. '-___-
I'ma go scour his facebook and then try to cool down enough to accomplish something.
We're swimming in circles,
Back-stroking forwards
And I wish I could remember
How to be Selfish
Without being Lonely
When you're off,
Doing what you have to
And I'm in, feeling
What I must,
Wondering if I'll ever
And if I should ever
Be able to trust
And you take forever to type,
Wondering, wishing you could
Be on your own island
While you watch Gilligan die.
I, I never missed,
I never loved,
I never hated
I never wanted
Anyone this much
So don't take my humanity personally.
It's just the mother in me killing off every survival instinct I thought I had
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bad poetry on a Monday evening. There's got to be a corresponding mental disorder out there somewhere. :P
[IMG]http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u179/funnycatmacros/noncats/bunny_pik_me.jpg[/IMG]
That's supposed to be a picture of a bunny. My little sisters got 2 baby bunnies last week. They don't even look like real bunnies, just living fluff balls. XD They're adorable. I'll post pictures sometime this week
My 6 year old little sister and forty-something year old mom are singing this song XD
We both still love each other, but he's tired of my bullshit and I'm tired of his and him being tired of mine because frankly that's bullshit.
And I'm going to slapped for saying this, but I hope to God we can try again in a year or two when we're both more mature because I can't give my heart to someone new when a part of my soul is attached to someone else. I know everyone else can--but I can't. And won't.
I finished customizing the T-shirt. It said "HOPE" and I sewed on "fully," because nothing in this world is certain except the passage of time.
Right now I'm customizing another T-shirt to make it a bit smaller and the sleeves a bit shorter. IT looked like an absolute dress on me before. Thats almost done.
Even though I'm going blind from the strain on my eyes, sewing is surprisingly fun and soothing (except of course when the damn thread won't go through the eye of the needle. '-__-)
I'm also thinking about taking guitar lessons. I figure maybe if I become a musician, I can finally stop worshiping them.
I usually hate rap, but I like this guy. He's very down to earth, actually cares about his lyrics, and he respects women, which is a very rare thing in mainstream rap
Ironically, just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive. I'm very confused, very lost, and very impatient and therefore have nothing to report that would make any sense.
Not that anything ever makes sense anyway. :/
Got today off. Have just been lazing around the house. Did some chores, took a walk, made some food, watched a movie. It was a pretty laid back day.
Happy turkey day (or tufurkey day, if you're a vegetarian)! What are you thankful for?
I'm thankful for God (in all three persons of the Trinity), the Blessed Mother, Sephoria, my family, my friends school and you guys because without anyone to rant to I would truly be lost.
I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting. I've been fantasizing about cutting myself all day. (I've struggled with that off and on since I was twelve. Yeah, I know. Cliche as hell.)
I don't think I can say anything I haven't already said. My mind won't stop playing the memories. I want to kill him, at the same time I just want to break down in his arms and not ever move.
I would do pretty much anything to make the pain stop at this point. Every time I walk past a window of a two-story building I consider jumping.
I want to be strong and stubborn. But all I can do is cry and bleed and hurt.
I want to die. I don't want to want to--but I do. And I feel terrible about it, but I can't live with pain like this. I just can't.
I know you all have went through something like this and so I know it's possible to survive, but... I just can't.
ily
~Belinda Comments (0) |
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Saturday, November 17, 2012
DAY TWO OF CRYING LIKE A BITCH
Actually, it wasn't that bad. I really only broke down once in the shower. Things still suck. I still love him. Same old, same old.
Walked to Starbucks with my little brother. Drank Christmas-themed coffee. Walked back home with said brother. Did math homework. Vacuumed. Kept hearing my little sister sing "Try" by Pink and got incredibly depressed. Went to the mall with my mom and my sisters. Got more depressed because that's where we had our first "date." Got some sushi. Was pretty terrible, but hey. Sushi is sushi.
Went home. Watched Last Holiday and laughed for a change. That was nice. Unfortunately, the whole point of the movie was to live life as if you were dying and I know if I were dying I'd want to spend at least some of my dying days with him because he was my best friend. I guess that's the hardest part.
If I had any sense, this is probably the Pink song I should be thinking of:
But I don't.
And I just feel so damn stupid, you know? I trusted him. I gave him everything. And it still wasn't enough.
I seriously thought he was The One. Some inconvenient part of my biology still does.
I know in a lot of ways this break up makes sense. We've both got a lot of growing up to do. Him especially.
But this fucking hurts so much. I feel like there's this giant, gaping hole from the middle of my chest to my belly button and every time I breath or move or speak, more skin tears open.
I have the urge to write miserable poetry and rock back and forth in the fetal position.
You know what that means.
IT'S MY OWN PERSONAL SINGLES AWARENESS DAAAAAAAAAY!!!! :D
Josh dumped me. Been crying and miserable all day.
I have now started to shake and have terrible migraines.
This would sound so much more final if I wasn't chatting with him on skype right now.
I really hope we don't become a Katy Perry song. I would honestly sooner kill the bastard.
Obviously, I still love him. It'll probably be like that for awhile. If any of you believe in any God/Goddess in the slightest, please pray for me, because it will take a miracle to get me through the weekend without dying of dehydration from all the crying, cutting myself, and/or calling him, begging to take me back in a pathetically sober stupor. This gives new meaning to the cliche "every day is a miracle." Well, it will be now...
He dumped with the following phrase: "I'm not good enough for you."
I kid you not, I almost slapped him.
But honestly, he's right. I can do better. I have no idea where the hell I'm supposed to find better or be with better once I find him as the mere thought of being with anyone but Josh makes me throw up in my mouth, but ah well. We'll see.
I've been taking out my misery on personalizing an old T-shirt Josh gave me. I figure it'll be less painful to wear if I make it mine. It's looking quite fabulous. :)
