Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I'm really fucking sick of people who won't let themselves be happy because lifes not fair.

They wait around, clutching their lousy childhoods and past wounds in a vicegrip like a damn million dollar social security check. You get what you put into life, not the other way around! No one is going to compensate you for your absent father, abusive mother, drug addict brother, and herniated back! Stop feeling sory for yourself, face your problems, find a way to cope, and move on.

Yeah, you got a shitty deal, but at some point you have to stop blaming everyone else and take responsibility for your own choices--especially with me because all I ever tried to do was help you.

Sorry, guys. I'm about to put my fist through this computer screen right now. People are being hella immature.

'-___-

Here is a blueberry. Enjoy
[IMG]http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r300/monica_bozzell/Smiley-face.jpg[/IMG]
I lied. It's a smiley
ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, November 11, 2012

Two projects due tomorrow. Just finished the one. Worked on it for six hours straight all day. '-_-
Too tired to post an actual post, so I'ma leave you with this.

ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, November 10, 2012

Dont mess with Ouija Boards
I met a pagan exorcist the other day at school during my lunch break. She worships the old Norse gods (Freya, Odin, The Alfather, Loki, etc.) It was really interesting all the things we had in common.

We even have a god in common: The Alfather. According to Norse Paganism, He is the creator of all the other gods. Hence the name Alfather: The Father of All. We both think He is also the Judeo-Christian God.

My theory is that the other gods she prays to are actually angels. This would make sense with Catholicism because according to church doctrine, the angels are actually the spiritual messengers that announce and carry out God's Will and each type, or Choir of angel, has a specific function. Some act as the voice of God, others guard individual people, others guard over entire countries, others fight demons and malevolent spirits, others will aid in the Apocalypse, some are involved in leadership, some regulate the weather and the seasons, some deliver prayers to God, etc. They're almost like demigods except for the fact that all of their glory and power comes from God.

Thats another thing I love about Catholicism--it's the most pagan(ish) form of Christianity in that it does not just involve the bare minimum of Jesus and God the Father. Don't get me wrong, those are by far the most important aspects of it, but we also honor Mary, the Holy Spirit, the angels, and the saints. We have so many people praying for us and so many spirits guarding us and so much protection whenever we want it. We are legion. One eternal, universal, transcendental, spiritual family of millions.

And, as God showed me last night, that union not only transcends time, race, and age, but religion too. We are all God's children, no matter how He (or even She) appears to us. You are all my sisters and I want nothing but the best for you.
I love you. *hugs*

BUT ANYWAY. Getting back to what I was saying before the Jesus/Angels/Catholicism rant, I then went over my new pagan friend's house with Josh and this other girl Kayla and they taught Josh some spiritual exercises for protecting himself and others from demons. I never mentioned this to any of you, but he can sense spirits too. He even saw his guardian angel once when he was seven.

After that we went on a bit of reconnaissance trip (aka ghost-hunting). Josh, Mouse (the pagan girls name) and Kayla are a lot more spirit sensitive than I am, so they actually saw some or felt some of the spirits. I just got really sick. :P Mouse said my prayers did help though so I wasn't completely useless.
They went back to the places we drove last night today to cleanse them because for whatever reason malevolent spirits are a lot weaker during the day. I'm really not sure why.
I couldn't go with them because I had a paper to write. '-__- But I decided to rant on here about it instead. XD

I gotta go now.
ily
~Belinda

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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

@Lute: Exactly. Some things really should not be tolerated.

@corn: Actually, I wasn't talking about gays at all--I was referring to how pedophiles are piggy-backing on gay rights slogans like "born this way." I am perfectly aware gays are not pedophiles. (Although almost every gay man/women I've known has dated someone at least ten years older than them before... Obviously, not the same thing, but shmeh.)
And, yeah, I know there are pedophiles that have never molested a child, but they still want to, and to me that qualifies as mental illness. By the way, there have also been several gay rights activists who aligned themselves with pedophile organizations. Dead serious. Look it up.

Worked for about six hours on this poster for Biology. It actually has more to do with psychology--the left and right brain hemispheres, specifically--but my professor said it was fine.

So anyway, I've been drawing and listening to emo and hipster techno on Pandora all day. I'm trying really hard not to relapse back into that scene/emo bullshit, but it seems to be sucking me in like a black hole. '-_- Something about major bedhead, buckles, tight jeans, and boys who sound like girls...
Its really funny how alternative rock became such an elitist, over-emotional genre when the music it originated from (classic rock) was basically just pop music with attitude and longer guitar solos. I mean, you look back at the hair bands of the '80s and '70s, and they're almost like modern day rappers--they're over-sexed, obnoxious egomaniacs. You look at the rock bands we have today and almost all of them are at the other end of the spectrum--over-emotional, hypersensitive pansies.
I just find that incredibly funny.
On another note, my brother is now reading Perks of Being a Wall Flower. So proud. I'll probably steal it from him when he's done.
ily
~Belinda
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Monday, November 5, 2012

Okay, I have to rant about something.

Pedophiles. Motherfucking pedophiles. Or, as they prefer to be called, "minor-affectionate." There are millions of pro-pedophile non-profit organizations, lobbying the government to lower the age of consent from state to state if not eradicate it and shaking their fingers at society for demonizing and making them feel bad just because they want to fuck three year olds, because, you know, they were born that way.

And there are all these people standing behind them, so-called "gay activists" and "sexologists," supporting them one hundred percent. "You go, Humbert! Forget these unsophisticated, primitive prudes! Sexual relativity/tolerance all the way, baby!"

What the hell is wrong with people? How come we can never find a good balance?
Either we're so repressed that we're covering up the legs of our furniture for fear it might arouse us or we're promoting shit like this. Why do we have no healthy middle ground?

Somebody once said that society is like a pendulum. We start at one extreme, gradually gravitate to the other extreme, and then gradually gravitate back over and over for decades and centuries. I think this especially applies to our attitude towards sex as a society--in which case it's only going to get worse. This has me terrified. I'm almost considering getting my tubes tied so I don't have to bring children into such a sick world as this.

Anyway. I'ma go shower and probably get ready for bed. I have to go vote tomorrow.
ily
~Belinda
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Monday, October 29, 2012

So yeah. Happy hurricane day, everybody! :D

Just checking in to let you all new I'm still alive. I don't have school today, so I'm just sitting at home, using this opportunity to catch up on homework and waste time on myotaku and facebook.

Worried sick about Josh in Towson. It's only about twenty minutes from where I live, but he's all alone there and I don't know, I just really wish he were here where I could see him and know he's okay.

We're back together, by the way. Broke down and went over his house two days after my last post to try and work things out because we were both absolutely miserable.
I can't explain it. I just feel like he's the one I'm destined to spend my life with. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, but either way I have to at least try to make this work before I walk away from it.
Religiously, we haven't decided anything yet. For now, we've agreed that when I spend the weekend at his house I am to go to Catholic mass on Saturday nights by myself and we are to go together to his Pentecostal church service on Sunday mornings. That's what we've been doing so far and it's been working out okay. I've got nothing against his church. It's very enjoyable and uplifting--but it just doesn't feel like a sacrament.

To me personally--key word personally--the difference between the Catholic mass and the Pentecostal Sunday service is the difference between a nutritious, delicious home-cooked meal and a bag of fresh, raw carrots. Both are good for you, both taste good, both make you feel great, but the meal is more substantial, filling, and nutritionally balanced.

I'm not trying to be an opinionated, condescending ass, that's just how I feel.

From what he's said to me of Catholicism, I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about the Mass--just a bag of carrots. This is mainly because he thinks it's missing the most important ingredient:
The Holy Spirit.

Pentecostalism places a very emphasis on the Gifts of The Spirit: Speaking in Tongues, Interpreting Tongues, etc., etc. It's a very mystical religion.
And basically Josh feels that if someone were to start speaking in tongues during a Mass, the priest would just look tell the person to shut up and sit down.
In certain, sterner churches I can see that happening, but in most there's just no way.

For one thing, the manifestations of the Holy Spirit don't always have to be so dramatic as speaking in Tongues or screaming Bible verses spontaneously. They can be as subtle and gentle as a smoldering sense of hope and catharsis and peace. To claim that the Holy Spirit is not welcome in a place simply because you've never witnessed anyone start speaking in Tongues at that place, therefore, seems to me incredibly childish and simple-minded.

For another thing, when something as dramatic and powerful as Speaking in Tongues occurs, it doesn't just happen to one person. When the Holy Spirit comes, it REALLY comes: Like a tidal wave, an explosion, an earthquake. It's just this massive, unbridled out-pouring of spiritual energy and love. The degree a crowd of people feels the presence of the Holy Spirit might vary from person to person, but every single person still feels it (as long as they're open to it, of course.)
The reason I know this is because I've felt and witnessed such things happening a few different times. Obviously, you could argue some people were just faking or reacting to a "Holy Spirit placebo effect" but whatever. That's what faith is for.

So, if someone started speaking in Tongues during a Mass, if it were legitimately a manifestation of the Holy Spirit, I feel like at the very least the priest or deacon or even someone else in the congregation would instinctively know what was going on.

I do get to some degree why Josh feels so uncomfortable though. The Catholic Church has unfortunately become very institutionalized and everyone seems to focus more on the religion than the spirituality.

ANYWAY. I can feel my meds wearing off so I guess I'll go finish my homework. Sorry about the rant

ily
~Belinda


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Thursday, October 18, 2012

Ughhhhhhh. Feel so dead inside. Had a fever earlier so I couldn't make it to class plus I couldn't keep my eyes open and now my body won't let me sleep.
I'm so restless and I don't know what to do because I think I'm still sick so I don't want to over exert myself.

I notice right around the time I get home from school is when everything goes to hell for me. All my demons just break lose and rape the blank out of me. I'm trying not to curse because I notice I've been doing it a lot lately and I don't want to make it a habit.

This is really miserable though. I can barely even write. *siigh* I need drugs. Massive amounts of drugs. I'm almost considering breaking a limb off just so I can have access to morphine.

And not even listening to music helps. I just get really annoyed at the noise and can't think straight--not that I can think straight as it is, but... I just really need God right now. So, please, if you believe in God, even if only a little bit, pray for me. If you don't, ask someone who does to pray for me because I will say right now this needs a miracle.--I need a miracle.

Wrote this while I was about to pass out earlier. Thought it was pretty epic and I haven't posted any emo poetry on here in awhile so:

The Medications make you better by blocking chemical inhibitors
And jolting awake neurotransmitters,
By over-riding over-compensation for keeping dry what should be secreting
And by keeping secret things your brain doesn’t want your heart to know;
By damming the floodgates of today and possibly forever,
By delaying the pain until your body and soul can’t lie to themselves anymore,
By blocking, blocking, blocking, blocking, blocking—
Everything.
The pills are for the sleepless nights,
the swollen eyes,
the tight-fisted insides,
the knotted tangle of your Mind
Going in a million different directions.
Because somewhere between learning to walk and learning to live it became incredibly inefficient to be human.

So yeah. At least one good thing came out of all this. ANNNND, in less depressing news I learned about a bunch of cool hacker-y things in Mass Comm such as the hacker/activist group Anonymous.
Basically, they're this organization of people who don't even know who each other is (are?) that go around coordinating attacks on things just to point out their weaknesses. Apparently, they were behind that huge, month-long PS3 shut down. They hacked into Sony and stole a bunch of people's info--names, email addresses, account info, even credit card numbers.
So yeah. that was cool. And honestly, that's it. I don't really have anything else to say, so I guess I'll leave you with this.

MMMMMMMMHMMMMMMMMM. :)

Gonna go try to numb the pain with drugs and stupid jokes now.
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

So we broke up.

Yeah.

Talked for like an hour on the phone, both of us crying our eyes out, going on and on about how much this sucks while at the same time trying to reassure each other everything's going to be okay.

The short answer to why we broke up is simply that we both wanted different things that were mutually exclusive. The long answer is he felt slighted because we always went to mass together and not his church and he claims to hate mass-although on several occasions I've heard him say after a mass "I liked that"--and basically he thinks the Catholic church is a beacon of evil, condescending politics and won't have anything to do with it. So basically I had to choose between my beliefs and him, and I choose my beliefs.

And I know it was the right thing to do and even if I didn't do it, our relationship from then on would be miserable and dishonest and basically tamper off and die, but I feel like shit. I can't stop remembering, I can't stop feeling, I can't stop thinking--I can't stop crying.

I mean, I'm sure there was a reason he came into my life only to leave it for the next however many months it takes me to heal, but for the life of me I can't see what it is now.
I'm going to go cry like a bitch until my ride gets here.
I love you.
Bye
~Belinda
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So I talked to him on skype--through the im feature, not over video--and it helped and made things worse at the same time. We both still love each other, but are unsure where to go from here.

And he said "I love you" several times so I don't know if we're in the friend zone or broken up or taking a break or what. I am relieved I can actually talk to him about this, but... I don't know. Things still feel uncertain. And I held so much back when I was talking to him. I couldn't stop crying.
*siigh*
I think we all could use a good laugh, so here you go:

ily
~Belinda
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Monday, October 15, 2012

Joshes and my relationship pretty much went to hell over the weekend.
Ostensibly, everything was fine and then, in the midst of a fit of desperation and despair over him not wanting to take me home and disrespecting my religion, I blurted out something extremely hurtful and he just shut down. Went statue stiff. Wouldn't even look at me.

I cried the whole way home and after he left my mind just went to the darkest place possible and my mom had to drive me to the emergency room for suicide prevention and it was just terrible.

I called Josh later to do damage control and it was like talking to a brick wall--all one word answers and grunts and mumbles. From what I was able to piece together, though, he still loves me but he's sick of me acting like an insecure, passive-aggressive bitch, which all except for one time I honestly had no idea of.
There was probably alcohol involved.

So even though it's not official, he's pretty much gone and all I can do is sit here in this damn room by myself and wonder what the hell went wrong and what I'm supposed to do now and think how fucking stupid I was to believe everything he promised me.

I know I'll survive. I always do, but I really have no idea how.

I'm just so fucking pissed off. After everything we've been through and everything that's happened, one fucking sentence just makes that all null and void.

I'm gonna go... cry, stuff my face, rant to someone, I don't know.

ily
~Belinda
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