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Vitals
Birthday • 1993-05-02 Gender •
Female Location • Here Member Since • 2005-05-30 Occupation • Life preserver :) Real Name • Belina
Personal
Achievements • http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said Anime Fan Since • Ever since Pokemon Favorite Anime • I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3 Goals • Make it out of here in one piece Hobbies • Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown Talents • :)
myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
She was never good with directions.
Maps might as well have been
abstract art to her.
She had a kitten who always
wanted to see the ocean
ever since she'd been born
blind on the beach--Blind beyond
her own clouds and rainbows, anyway.
Some said to go right on Excellence and go straight on to Perfection.
Some said to follow the Son.
Some said to pass through Nirvanna by way of Vegetarianism, Good Work, and Suffering.
Some said you just couldn't get there from here.
The kitten kept pacing up and down,
up and
down
the map--because it was the closest she'd ever get to seeing the world.
Finally, they found the coast
And set up camp on the end of the world,
The beginning of what they did not know.
When they looked into the water, their faces and bodies rippled, their skeletons danced.
They were beautiful.
When you can't retrace your steps, getting lost again is the only way to find yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I promise I wasn't trying to make this into a seemingly drug-induced poem. I had a whole story worked out about this Goth kid named Alice and her cat named Dina wanting to see the ocean and Alice stealing her mothers car to drive to the beach, but it got really complicated and in the end I really wasn't sure what I was trying to say and the whole point of a short story in my opinion is to send a messege while entertaining people. I'm sorry, Stephy! >.<
IM A FAILUREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Hopefully it'll look a lot less shittier when I wake up tomorrow and am not so tired.
IN LESS SELF-ABSORBED NEWS: My mommy is away for the weekend so my grandmom, my dad, and I are all looking after the littles. We went to the pool today and it was quite fun. The water felt great because it was so freakin hot and humid out. 90 degrees, actually. 'X.X
Also, in a week we are leaving for Ohio and staying for ten days. I have no idea how we'll manage it because we are being ass-raped non-stop by money troubles, but God works in mysterious ways, so...
That cliche doesn't make any sense in that sentence. >.< Oy.
This is how tired I am. Gonna go finish my milk shake, sweep the floor, and pass out. Good night.
A self-absorbed kitten that wants to see the ocean...
Hmmm... Interesting. I'll give it a shot.
Just got some hydrangeas! :D They're wet. >.<
Over Joshes house, listening to him and his brother play PS2 games. Borrreed. My head is pretty numb.
I was thinking of taking up role-playing again on Gaia, but I haven't done it in years--not since I quit Neopets. Also I normally write in the first person--it's just more comfortable for me--and most role-playing is done in third person.
Not to mention most role-plays, I'm told, now end up as cybering, which I'm not too crazy about... although I would like to learn how to write sex scenes better--and fight scenes. I've always been terrible at writing those. Always put too much detail.
I wanted to post a video but Joshes stupid computer wouldn't let me. '-.-
Just realized I'm a spoiled, priveleged, undisciplined brat.
Suddenly, my unemployment makes sense. :/ As does my mild distaste for Summmer.
As unpractical as it is, I don't apply for jobs the way some people don't digest lactose. This is probably completely fixable and purely psychological, but there's some stubborn sense of pride and privelege interwoven deep within me that asserts opportunites should come to me and not the other way around.
School is the only way to prove to myself that I am not completely hopeless when it comes to hard work--or any work, really. It's also perfect because the only thing I have to do to get the oppurtunities to earn better grades in school is show up.
Life's not like that--you have to go out of your way and look for jobs and promotions and all that shit.
Does anybody remember when they were young and thought that at some point they would simply and automatically be switched out with someone resbonsible and mature and hard-working? That growing up meant acquiring a split personality to do all the struggling and planning and work?
I do. I can remember with particular clarity entering my senior year of high school and being overcome with dismay that I was still me and not some practical, all-knowing grown-up that just looked and sounded like me--and then realizing with horror that that day would never come and I was stuck with myself for the rest of my life.
Dear Heaven. Still scares the shit out of me.
Self-absorption is such a dangerous endeavor.
Might finally get over myself and work at the nursing home where Rob works. As long as they don't put me in the same dining room as him, I should be fine.
In other news, everyone on my facebook (besides Corn) has turned into a bunch of complex, emo bastards and their requests for short story/poem topics are therefore no longer any fun, so I'm going to ask you guys. Give me the most random, craziest topic you can think of--something light and fun and ridiculous, please--and within a week I will write either a poem or short story and post it both here and on facebook.
Gonna be leaving for Hershey Park in a few hours. Sleep is a far-cry from the probable. '-.-
This is the first time I'll be going with a sibling without my parents present. I'm nervous. Jst can't shake the feeling something is going to go wrong.
Also, the trial net security on my labby top is going to run out in a couple hours, so I might not be on til my dad finds the thing that'll get me free interweb security from verizon. That could take weeks. '-.- Oy.
I've thought things over and reached the inevitable conclusion that the people I live with are for the most a bunch of random squatters that decided to raise me and you guys are my real family.
Rob has now began smoking cigs. As if the weed wasn't bad (and stinky) enough! Oy.'-.-
I don't care what anybody says, Owl City makes me giggle and I'm okay with that! >.<
May Day parade got really emo. Well, I mean, they were pretty emo before, but now their music kinda sucks. IF YOUR GOING TO BE DEPRESSED, DO SO WITH KILLER CHORD PROGRESSIONS AND PRETTY HARMONIZING DAMMIT!!!! >.< You can qoute me on that.
Although I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that no one will qoute me on anything til I'm dead. If ever.
In brighter news, Charlie graduated Middle School a few days ago. Come Fall, he's gonna be going to an artsy-fartsy art magnet school right next to some really killer seafood restaurants. :)
Listening to jazz. I feel sophisticated... except for the fact that I'm slowly dying inside with every note.
"Change will come."
God, I hope so.
Gonna go emo up the gaia boards. Maybe shoot some lawn gnomes. Smug bastards. 0.-
corn: Yeah, but that's when the insults are funny. The narrator of Joshes story is just straight up annoying. He's basically a typical scene kid ass hole who also happens to be a vampire. :P I know. Very original. I get the feeling that by the end of the summer, I'll be waking up at 7:00 PM XD lol And thank you so much for commenting. You'll probably be the only one who reads the whole thing. lol
Stephy: It's funny that you say that because I honestly scared the living crap out of myself when I was writing it. XD Seriously, I couldn't sleep. I had to call Josh to help me calm down. And I totally understand the facebook thing. I'm in a similar situation with mine. I can rarely say what's on my mind because there are so many people I don't really like or family that I don't want to offend. Would you like me to send you my zombie unicorn story on here then?
I woke up at 2:00 am today. XD That's what happens when you go to bed at 4:00.
I've been walking around a lot lately. I'm not sure whether thats a good thing or not because I live in such a hilly area so it's good excercise, but for the most part there are no side-walks and people drive incredibly stupidly, so it can be dangerous. :/
I mostly go to the library. Does it really count as wasting time when you're reading books? Idk.
Oh, and Josh and I found this AMAZING cover of Hot N Cold. XD
Chatting on skype with Josh. We've turned into some real vampires in regards to sleep cycles. I'm honestly suprised we don't burst into flames every time the sun hits us.
Just got done writing a short story about a zombie unicorn. It's for this writing thing on facebook I'm doing. Basically, I ask everybody to give me a ridiculous, random topic to write a short story or poem on and then pick one. I then turn it into a poem or short story.
You guys are more than welcome to participate.
ALSO: if you ever ever plan on writing a satire about all the vampire/twilight cult bullshiz and if you want to make the main character a total dick, do not have him be a dick to the audience (unless it's funny). Contrary to popular belief, people do not like being insulted.
The only reason I bring this up is because I just got done reading Joshes vampire satire short story and I kind of want to stomp to death on the narrator. Josh said I could pick up where he left off if I wanted, but then I'd want to rewrite the whole thing, or at least have the shit beaten out of the narrator.
^ The confirmation number for my driving test appointment. I seriously doubt I'll pass the first time, but hey. Gotta at least try.
The reality of the cost of living is repeatedly crushing me into the floor. The ground, I mean. I'm way too broke to afford a floor.
Need to get a job soon. '-.-
Josh says not to worry about it because it's his job to worry about money and stuff because he's the man, which is sweet in a really patronizing, well-intentioned way, but it's my life too, damn it.
Luckily, I still live at home, so minimum wage should do it. I'm definitely not above bussing/waiting table if anyone will hire me to do it. I've done stuff like that for free for years anyway. Ah well. The hunt begins.
Just a rant
I really don't know what to say or do.
This world is so messed up and terrible and all I can do about any of it is pray and offer up my modest pains.
I had a dream once that I could change the world through my writing, but it doesn't seem enough. Only God could possibly stop all the rape and abuse and death. God working through me and several other people, possibly, but God all the same.
It's times like this I just want to run to the nearest church and curl up at the foot of the crucifix like a little girl curling up in her daddy's lap.
I'm a coward, I know, but my heart aches so much for the kids--all the kids, no matter what age they are. The truth is, I would do anything to protect Valerie, Katie, Emma, Charlie, and even Rob. They're all in such a hurry to grow up, to go out into the world and be taken seriously, but at what cost? Childhood is a foreign concept.
But they all deserve to be kids, to be happy, for as long as they possibly can.
There's so much more to life than cynicism and drugs and sex and death and whatever else they are or will one day look to drown in. I really hope they know that. I really hope they'll be loved and love back and be the beautiful creatures God created them to be.
Still sick. Still haven't gone to the doctors.
I know I should, but I really don't want to.
Every time I do, I have to wait five hours before she even sees me. I'm not exaggerating. Last time I went there, I waited three and a half hours for her. '-.-
And I don't know why, because she never has that many patients in the waiting room. Last time, me and Josh were the only people there. It's weird.
I probably should find a new one, but good doctors are so hard to find. '-.-
Gonna try to finish Girl with The Dragon Tattoo now. I can feel brain melting. Blahhh. Summer daze. I swurrr.
