Friday, December 16, 2011

Thank you all for your commentary. It helped a lot. I guess things really aren't so cut and dry as they appear when you're a little kid in vacation Bible camp watching a Daniel and the Lions' Den puppet show.

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. He's turning fourty-something. I think 47. I'm not sure. Is that bad? lol I've never been good at remembering people's ages. Anyway, I wrote him a poem. You guys think it's any good?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD

Leftover spaghettios, soup, and toast:
The breakfast of champions—and human garbage disposals
But who says the two can’t be synonymous?
Certainly not I
Nor Mom
Nor Grandpop
Nor anyone else with a job to do and kids to love,
For this is a country of closet starving artists.
Whether we wear smocks or suits,
Cabbie hats or construction helmets to work,
We abandon beloved beds on involuntary, inevitable Monday mornings
To do what we may hate to be able to do what we certainly love.

You, like—yet somehow more than—everyone else, are several times the sum of the parts you play:
Computer programmer,
Financial analyst,
Soccer and softball coach,
Runner,
Friend,
Husband,
And Father.
Because while some or even most merely play these roles, you become them.

You weren’t and aren’t just a worker, but a hard worker,
A great coach,
An excellent runner,
A genuine friend,
An ever-faithful, ever-loving husband,
And a Dad.

Some say, on their birthdays, congratulations to themselves for surviving another year;
I say to you, Dad, congratulations on continuing to laugh, learn, love, and live.
Keep up the good work.

ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

This was the picture we got drawn of us at that anime convention we went to a couple weeks ago.

And I don't know. It's more of a religious thing than anything. I don't really care if I'm still "innocent" or not because virginity and innocence are not always synonymous--in fact, I can only think of a few instances where they are. For example, a typical four-year-old kid normally doesn't know what sex is and has never had it and is therefore both virginal and innocent. In most cases, however, if you know what sex is and have thought about having it, no matter how much of a virgin you are, you still aren't really the epitome of innocence. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the mind loses it's virginity a lot earlier than the body does, and unless your mind and body are both "virgins," you are not the quintessential, stereotypical virgin every mother wants her daughter to be until marriage. Does that make any sense? I hope so.

The point is, my mind lost it's virginity when I was ten. I haven't really been "innocent" in the sexual sense in about eight years, so I'm not worried about my innocence now that I slept with someone a week or so ago. What I am worried about now is my relationship with God. Like, is He pissed at me? Does His love for me still outweigh His hatred for my sins? And even if it does, what will I do now? Now that I've started having sex, I don't know if I can stop and premarital sex is obviously a sin, so even if I go to confession for it, what's the point if I'm just going to end up doing it again? Do I just keep doing it and going to confession after in a virtually eternal cycle? Do I risk poisoning a healthy relationship with my future husband for the sake of the integrity of my relationship with God? Do I distance myself from God and love Him from afar while continuing to sleep with my boyfriend? I don't know. I mean, I obviously can't live without God. I've tried, and I was suicidal within an hour. Then again, I really don't want to live without Josh.

I don't know. I just wish I could sleep with my boyfriend without feeling like I'm spitting in God's face.

I gotta go eat lunch now. Got my math final to take today. :P Pray for me?
ily
~Belinda
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Monday, December 12, 2011

So yeah. We had sex.
I liked the aftermath a lot better than the actual act itself though. Despite all my whoremoans/hormones, I guess I really am a genuine hopeless romantic after all--slow, tender cuddling over frenzied, primal passion. Go figure. I'm a total girl. :/

I really hated myself at first over it, but thanks to the sermons of some very wise priests, I remembered God loves me no matter what and purity of heart is the only purity that matters.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. Need some food.
ily
~Belinda
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Friday, December 9, 2011

I really freaking hate this.

Hormones. Whoremoans. Nervous and endocrine and bloody love--selfish love.

Life feels like an old pair of shoes I've outgrown. Nothing fits, nothing belongs--or rather, everything belongs except me.

Where is God? Where is Hope? Where is Salvation? Why doesn't the world make any sense anymore?

I feel so damn alone.
ily
~Belinda
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Monday, December 5, 2011

You know whats really freaking funny?

The way we build up all this shit and put it on this pedestal until it becomes some giant, life-altering, sacred idol--then it actually happens to us and it's completely anti-climactic.

I saw a quote from some guy in an article the other day about dating and flirting habits that totally summed up everything--"sex is just sex. It's lovers that make it what it is."

Now I'm not saying it's not a big deal or it's not sacred because it is, but realistically speaking sex doesn't seem like it would always be as much fun as the media makes it out to be--especially for a girl. Especially for a really tiny girl if you know what I mean. I mean, he's basically shoving six or more inches of rock solid meat into the most vulnerable place on your body--sometimes for hours on end. He might as well be stabbing at your eye with a butter knife!

Ah well. I guess I'm just asexual. I know I'm not gay because while I think the female body is a beautiful thing, I wouldn't really know what to do with a vagina. Like, I know how lesbian sex works and everything, but it doesn't sound like I'd like that much more than sex with a dude.

Anyway, I'ma stop ranting/slacking and get back to work. Supposed to be writing a paper. (And I'm using "writing" in the loosest sense.)
Thanks for reading.
ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, December 4, 2011

So he didn't break up with me. But something else happened yesterday, and, uh... I don't feel comfortable posting it on here quite yet. It's pretty personal and I'm kind of embarrassed by it.

Anyway, we went to this free anime convention yesterday. It wasn't very crowded as far as conventions go, but almost everybody was dressed up and we got a lot of awesome pictures. This one family went as the cast of characters from Devil May Cry. Josh has a bit of a man crush on Dante, so he was jealous. lol

We're going to be go going to this other convention in February called Katsoucon. I'm gonna be Kaname Chitori (or is it Chidori?) and he's gonna be Sasuke Sakura from Full Metal Panic. It's not til February so we got some time to prepare still, but it's gonna be hard finding a good, decently priced wig.

At the convention yesterday, we also saw a concert by this J-Pop singer named Reni. She was freakin adorable. We got her autograph. :) We also got a portrait of us drawn in chibi. It's pretty awesome. Might post pictures later.

Today will probably be spent almost exclusively on doing homework. Got an essay due tomorrow and another essay due Friday or Wednesday. Busy. Busy. Busy.

Watching/listening to The Wedding Singer right now. Did not know Adamn Sandler could actually sing before I saw this movie.
ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Oy. '-__- Josh is going through this whole schpiel(sp?) about how he's not good enough for me and he should just leave me now so I can find some Catholic, successful guy and live happily ever after.

Insecure guys are almost as annoying as arrogant ones. Almost. If he tries to break up with me, I'm going to kill him. (I almost wrote "kill me." lol)

Obviously it's his choice to stay with me or not, but if he's going to leave me, it shouldn't be over something stupid like this. We've been together 9 months. I think it's pretty damn obvious I'm happy with him.

On a less frustrating, yanking-my-hair-out-of-my-head note, it's almost the end of the semester. Everybody's piling on last minute projects, but I'm on the cliff of not caring anymore. Stressing doesn't do a damn thing, so I'm just going to do my best and hand in whatever comes out of it.

-.- I'm sleepy.
Night night.
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Hey. Went black friday shopping with Josh yesterday. Woke up at about 3 in the morning. Wasn't really that bad. The deals weren't that great, but it was still fun. I got some awesome socks, a lego set for my little sister Valerie, an awesome scarf and animal hat for Katie, nail polish for Emma, head phones for my dad, and a blue tooth for Josh. I still gotta get Charlie his present because Barnes and Noble's wasn't open at the time.

I decided not to get a present for Rob because he's still sneaking around, doing weed, keeping secrets, and lying to everybody. Yesterday he walked all the way to Best Buy to spend every penny he had on a $300 phone when my parents clearly told him he was grounded and not allowed to use a phone. So yeah. He's not listening to anybody, acting like he knows everything, and it's obvious he's only thinking about himself, so no presents for him.

Watched Madea Goes to Jail today. I liked it a lot, which surprised me because the commercials always made Tyler Perry movies look really crude and stupid, but the characters were all really realistic and likeable and the story line was really engaging and engrossing.

Don't know what I'm doing today. Probably working on my story and playing sims. Nothing much.

How was everyones THanksgiving? Anyone else do Black Friday?
ily
~Belinda
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Monday, November 21, 2011

I'll survive. That is one fact life has taught me. No matter what happens, no matter who I lose or love or hate, life goes on and either you succumb to the pain and kill yourself or you bite the bullet and keep on living despite the emotional broken glass in your side, the boulder weighing down your heart so the vesicles and your lungs are almost touching.
Another thing life has taught me is you can't depend on anything--except God, but even then you have to be careful because what you want isn't always what He wants. Not at first, anyway.

For this reason, I'm no longer scared of what I'll lose. I know no matter what I'll keep living because I'm too much of a pussy to die. I couldn't kill myself in eighth grade for fear of hell, I couldn't kill myself after Margaret and I broke up for fear it'd hurt my family and Josh too much, I couldn't kill myself two weeks ago for fear everyone would spend too much time and money mourning me, and I probably won't be able to kill myself in the future for some other reason.

So I'll keep living. It won't feel like living at first because I'll be so miserable and agonized but at least then I know I'm not hurting anyone. I'll keep going, keep breathing...

I think in the past I underestimated the accomplishment of surviving. It's harder than people think. Harder than I think.

Sorry. I know I sound like a Lifetime movie. I'm just thinking...
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, November 19, 2011

Painted butterfly wings on my face out of sheer boredom and loneliness. Josh was supposed to come over today, but he's stranded at a giant supermarket with his family, shopping for thanksgiving stuffs.

Le siiigh.

Very restless. Been stuck here all day. I did clean a bit, but not much. I had a terrible head ache that kept me from doing anything super-productive, and it's still not completely gone.

I really wanna get out of this house and go somewhere, but there's winnower to go. Library's closed. Mall's no fun unless you go there with friends and I don't have any friends.

Shmeh. Guess I'll have to resort to cheat codes for the Bomber Man game I've been playing after all. I'm too stoopid to figure out the latest dungeon's puzzle on my own. (ahhh, the nerdiness of it all.)

Anybody into those Oblivion games? Josh just got Skyrim about a week or two ago and has been orgasming over it nonstop. I'm a little shocked I get to see him at all, frankly. lol

Oh well. Just because I don't have anything better to do:

Q AND A TIME, MOTHAFUCKAS.

1. What do you order at starbucks?

On the very rare occasions I go and have enough money to get everything I want, I get a caramel frapuccino and a piece of cheese cake or a scone or something. (sugar maniac all the way.)I'm too good for splenda.

2. What's one thing in your closet you can't live without?

Probably my blue and black coat with pleather lining because it makes me feel like I'm in Hairspray and it keeps my warm... sometimes.

3.What's the one thing most people don't know about you?

Depends on who you ask. If you ask my best friend from high school, she'd probably say it's that I actually have a fashion sense. (Before senior year, I mostly threw on whatever was in my closet provided it wasn't "bad luck.") Ooh! That's actually a good answer--I'm very superstitious. I believe life has a certain order--a person has a certain number of good days and then a certain number of bad days after that to make up for the good days, therefore I usually refer to the bad days as "retribution days." I also believe life is a cruel, tantalizing, conniving bitch, and as soon as you start to be happy and hopeful and optimistic, life will come crashing down on you. I know that's not very Catholic of me, but it's the way my life has been so far.

4.What's one thing you want to do before you die?

Oh, shit. Just one? Um... I want to say something ambitious and cool like getting my story published or winning a Pulitzer for one of my stories, which I definitely want to do, but the top thing I want to do before I die is have sex with someone I love after I marry them. It's probably going to be incredibly awkward and disappointing and painful, but it's something I've never experienced before, and God knows I'm a hopeless romantic, so I've always wanted to connect with the one I love in the deepest, most intimate way--not that sex is always intimate or deep, but I think it's supposed to be. :/

5. What's the one food you can't live without?

Lao mein (sp?). Even though I don't get to have it that often, if the world suddenly completely ran out of ingredients to make lao mein (or is it lo mein?), I would be deeply, deeply depressed.

6. What quote/phrase do you live your life by?
"One day at a time."

(Number 7 was about youtube and I don't have a yourtube account, so I'ma skip it.)

8.What's your number one most listened to song on itunes?

If I had an itunes, it would probably be "Hurricane" or "Nearly Witches" by Panic! at the Disco. (Yes, I like pansy-ass, quirky boys who are prettier than me. So sue me.)

9. What kind of style would you define yourself as having?
Rock star on a budget. (AKA, T-shirts and jeans with an awesome jacket and kick-ass boats.)

10.Favorite number?

It used to be 7, but now it reminds me too much of an anorexic hunchback of Notre Dame from the side. I'd say 9, because depending on how you look at it, it either resembles a belly button or the profile of a skinny chick with a really nice, full, round bust, and I've always thought boobs were awesome. They kind of remind me of when I was a little kid and I used to sit in my mom's lap and snuggle with her, and she was always a very chesty woman. Is that weird? Yeah, probably...

11. Two hobbies?
Now, I could lie and say drawing and writing, but I only ever really draw when it's on my face and... Well, I'll still say writing, because that's technically what I'm doing right now and I consider this a hobby. For my second, I'll say eating, because I've been hungry all day and have subsequently been eating all day. The only reason I don't do it every day is because a side effect of my ADHD medication is, I don't feel hunger until I'm starving.

12. Two pet peeves?
Arrogance and fake people, for obvious reasons.

13. Guilty pleasure?
I would say Fallout Boy and Panic! at the Disco, but I've just about gotten to the point where I don't really give a damn what other people think about my musical tastes, so I'll continue to be brutally honest and say love. It's a GUILTY pleasure because once I see it for what it really is--an unconditional, often gut-wrenching addiction that ties you down and strings you along and won't ever, ever, ever just let you be--I just want to cut my chest open, rip out my still-beating heart and feed it to the pigeons so I won't ever have to feel such debilitating betrayal or disappointment as I do when I've fallen and something goes wrong, but I can't because, for one, I'd die (duh), and two, I know deep down all the perfect, comfortable, "my body is singing beside him" moments are worth it. (From what I've read of drug addicts' autobiographies, this is the exact same relationship cokeheads have with their coke.)

ily
~Belinda




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