Sunday, November 13, 2011

My little sister is turning six today. The house will be full of screaming children. Oh, I can taste the migraines already!
I got her a Captain America mask and a pack of washable markers because she's the tomboyish, artsy type. This may sound strange, but I'm really proud of her for being like that. She hangs with the boys, plays tag like a beast, and always is sure to look awesome doing it. She just does her own thing, not out of rebellion, but because it's who she is, and I think that's really cool.

Since, we're already talking about my family, my brother Rob (the one who I thought was doing pot) keeps telling my parents that the weed wasn't his and he never smoked it, he was just holding it for someone else. At first, I didn't believe it, but he sounds really genuine and he doesn't act like the stereotypical pothead. He still does all his homework, goes to work, goes to school everyday... He obviously still cares about his future, so I think he's gonna be okay.

Right now, I feel kind of sick. Probaby gonna lay down after this.
ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Hey. I have a little bit of time to kill on here before class starts and it's been awhile since I made a list on here so just for the hell of it, I'm going to list the pros of being single and the pros of being in a relationship. I think a lot of people take being single for granted, so I guess I'll list the pros for that one first.

SINGLE:

1. It's a lot easier to not give a damn what anybody thinks and just do your own thing because your behavior doesn't really reflect on anybody but you.

2. You're free to associate and befriend whoever you want without another person's opinion of that person being a significant facter in the development (or lack thereof) in the friendship.

3. Likewise, you won't have to put up with anybody's jackass friends or family if you don't want to.

4. One less person to fight with, pure and simple. Relationships usually lead to extremely high emotions and high emotions can lead to a lot of drama if they're not kept in check, which, if you're a sentimental mess of emotions like me, is such a chore.

5. The freedom to flirt with, ogle, and fantasize about complete strangers and not feel guilty about it.

6. It is SO much easier to stay on task and get things done in regards to school and work. (Although then again, I've known people who do better in school and work when they're in a relationship, so who knows.)

Now, IN A RELATIONSHIP:

1. If the relationship is good, you don't get as lonely as you do when you're single and alone in your room, for whatever reason masochistically reflecting upon the all the guys who rejected or abused you in the past. (If the relationship is REALLY good, you never think about them anyway.)

2. There's always, if not most of the time, someone to talk to and kiss and cuddle with. :)

3. The warm, fluttery feeling you get when he (or she) sends you a sweet letter, text, or voicemail.

4. One more person to tell you you're beautiful on days when you don't feel like you are (and, let's face it, we all have days like that.)And, I'm not sqying all girls should depend on a guys (or anyone else's, for that matter) word to feel beautiful, but, hey, it's a nice thing to have.

5. The possibility of hot, passionate, emotional sex (or even near-sex.)

6. The possibility of real, legit, happily-ever-after, metaphysical, worth-it-even-after-all-the-fights-and-commitment-and-tears love.

Obviously, this isn't a complete list, but they're the first six things that came to my mind and I figure if I didn't write them all down now, I never would, so there you do. What are your favorite things about being single and/or in a relationship?
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Peacocks aren't meant to be mother hens
Forty-years-old, but you would swear she's sixty and sixteen all at once.
She's got the perfect house, the perfect hair, the perfect family portrait, and the not-so-perfect family.
There's a ring around her insides to keep them from taking up space outside and a few thousand horses in her car's engine for nights when she feels the emptiness of crystal kisses and ice scultpure arm embraces and feels like searching for the whatever-it-was that used to fill her instead when she was a kid.

There's a couple of yorkees she always has in her lap to replace the kids who grew up and moved out and the grandchildren she's not allowed to see because there was a damn good reason her kids grew up and moved out so fast.
But, really, what was she supposed to do?
Her daughter was a dumb slut for having and keeping that baby (no matter how much she'd like to hold and bounce him on her lap now.)
Her older son was useless, addicted to drugs (no matter how much he used to make her laugh when he was little and no matter how many prescription pills she put him on when his grades started slipping.)
Her youngest son was a hideous blob (no matter how much time he sacrificed to help his dad around the house after the surgery and no matter how many treats she used to feed him when he was litte.)
No, it wasn't her fault--her kids had just all been failures.
But, damn it, how she missed them.

ily
~Belinda Sacco
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Monday, November 7, 2011

So Rob's being a douche because my parents took his computer, phone, and Xbox away. He's acting like he doesn't deserve it at all. No repentence. No respect. Cussed my dad out, treated my mom like shit, made her cry... '-___- Oy.

In other news, my brain is pretty much dead. Can't even write a simple paper for sociology without pounding my words and my head into submission. And I still have to finish the outline for my English paper. Oy. It's gonna be a lonnnng day.
Pray for me?
ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, November 6, 2011

Found out yesterday my little brother Rob smokes weed. My dad found some in his backpack.

I want to kick his ass so bad.

I'm not gonna play the holier-than-thou bitchy puritan and say the notion never occurred or appealed to me while I was in high school, but the fact that he does it with everything he has going for him and with awesome parents like our mom and dad just pisses me the fuck off to no end. Like, how could he be so selfish, you know? How does he think moms going to feel? How does he think dad feels? How does he think Valerie, our five-year old sister, would feel if she were old enough to understand?

If this is just a phase he's going through, if he's just experimenting for a little while, then fine. He can have his fun, but then I want to see him snap out of it and get his fucking act together.
But if it's something more, if he's walking down a path of life-long drug addiction and is going to lie, cheat, steal, possibly even kill for drug money, and go to jail or die in the process of doing it, then... I don't even know. I cried all day after I found out, begging and begging the question, "What the hell happened to my little brother?"

You know, it's one thing when you meet and befriend someone at school or work who does drugs, but when it's your little brother, when you used to fight and play games with him for hours as kids, when it's someone you grew up with... I can't even find the words.

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, October 30, 2011

SO. DAMN. ITCHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!! >.<

For some reason, my skin only ever freaks out hours or even days after I freak out and have calmed down.
Is this strange? I think so. I never heard of anyone having hives or phantom itches as an extremely delayed reaction to anxiety.

Could also have something to do with the freakish weather. It snowed yesterday. :P

DAMMIT, i DON'T WANT WINTER TO COME THIS EARLY!!!!!

Oy. I'm so tired and so restless. Can't stop thinking, can't stop moving, but so far the only identifiable, distinct feeling I have is frustration. I have to write a persuasive research essay and I'm really on the fence as to which side I'll take. Better than doing nothing though, I guess.

Yesterday was a complete do-nothing day and I nearly went insane. Couldn't even go for a walk because the weather was so horrible. Today I probably still won't because even though it stopped raining/snowing/sleeting, it's still cold and windy out and I really don't feel like spending half an hour bundling up just to take a fifteen minute walk around the block.

That's one thing I don't like about having skinny arms. No body fat to keep them warm.

The other thing I don't like is people assuming just because I have skinny arms and a smallish waist, my whole body is model-thin, and that's not true. I may not have much of a chest, but I have a butt and legs and hips and just as much cellulite as the next girl.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being conceited, but my whole life people have always taken one look at me and assumed I was this half-anorexic, calorie-counting, weight-obsessed freak who looked down on anyone else that wasn't as small as me, which is the farthest thing from the truth.

Especially when I was a little kid (about 6 or 7 years old) in ballet class and my metabolism was as twice as fast as it is now and as a result I was twice as thin as I am now, chubby and/or medium-sized girls used to come up to me all the time and tauntingly remark "you're skinny" in a tone that implied I wasn't healthy and there was something wrong with me.

Being only a little girl, it never occurred to me that my persecutors persecuted me out of jealousy or because people persecuted them for not being skinny, so I would often lash out at them and had I known what I do now, I obviously would have reacted differently, but the whole business was just really tedious.
Anyway, I gotta go.
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Fuck. '-__-
Was supposed to go to a badass costume/Halloween party tonight, but Guess Who got stranded at his brothers house about an hours drive away and my parents are too busy putting kids to bed and stuff to drive me so I'm kind of stuck here. Ho.Hum.Pigs bum. :P

Got a bit tipsy last night. I felt warm and fuzzy and didn't care about a damn thing. It was a good feeling.

Gonna go analyze my dreams now.
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Hey. Not much to report on. Been dead busy with school.
I'm practicing driving again every Sunday with my cousin Janice. She's very chill and I'm really surprised at how well I do with her in the passenger seat and how calm and focussed I can be. It's weird how closely one person's attitude affects another.

And, corn, it's funny that you mention race as a socially constructed concept because we're about to learn about race next week in my sociology class. I freakin LOVE that class. We always get to talk about stuff no one else ever takes seriously.

Shmeh... Time for bed. Night.
ily
~Belinda
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Friday, October 21, 2011

A few minutes ago I was reading "The Negro Artist and the Racial Mountain" by Langston Hughes in the library for my African American Literature class, and a recurring thought came to me.

In the essay (which was written in 1926), Hughes describes this scene in which a young black boy says to him "I want to be a poet--not a Negro poet" and Hughes takes it to mean that the young aspiring artist is ashamed of his blackness and wants to be wite. In this particular instance, Hughes's assumption is probably correct, but does this really apply to all black people who act "White"? Do these specific African Americans, even now, talk a certain way or act a certain way simply because they're ashamed of their race or because that's simply the way they are and who they are?

Hughes seems to think it is the former. At the time he was writing, this probably was the case, but I can't help but wonder if he would still think the same now.

Personally, I would have taken the boys statement to mean that he wished to be known for his poetry and not his race as if it were so odd and impossible for a black man to be writing poetry. I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to ease my guilt as a white person, but I think stereo-typing black either way is damaging to their self-esteem because stereo-typing them at all implies that they are all the same, which they are not. Therefore, expecting a person to be generous or greedy, obnoxious or quiet, stupid or crafty simply because he or she is black is, in my mind, racist. I don't think people's lives and self-image and identity should be governed by something as trivial as race. I think people should be confident in themselves and love themselves for who they are. I think a person who likes opera should be allowed to like opra without being seen as a confirmation of a stereo-type or a "sellout" if that individual's racial stereotype doesn't match them.

I completely agree with Hughes's assertion that blacks shouldn't be ashamed to be themselves and shouldn't try to become white simply because white is what's traditionally considered beautiful, but I believe it goes both ways, you know?

Annnnd, that's my rant on race relations for the day.

Most of you seem like you're doing well, sorry for those of you who aren't. I feel you on the stress part. This semester is and has been a hurricance.
ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Took a pregnancy test yesterday. It came back negative, thank God. It was the scariest moment of my life.

Obviously Josh and I are going to be a lot more careful from now on. No more pantsless dancing.

I'm just going to try to calm the hell down from now on. I worry too much and it never does any good.

How have you all been?

ily
~Belinda
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