Sunday, October 16, 2011

Lately I've had the most dangerous habit of begging the disastrous question of "what about me?" As in: "I just want him to be happy--but what about me?" and "I'm glad he's having fun at his brothers house this weekend--but what about me?"
And on and on and on... And on.

Yeah... It's annoying. I just care too damn much but that's nothing new.

I really wish I could have a normal relationship like normal people where I don't have to see the dude every day and every weekend to be happy and when he does choose to spend Friday night with his brother instead of me I don't get the least bit offended... But I do so I can't.

So sue me. I'm selfish and greedy. Until I finally figure out how to permanently get over myself I'm gonna have to put up with myself somehow.

I guess the answer is homework and infinite amounts of God and some new drug I'll choose later.

Oh. And I might be pregnant. I really don't know for sure, but I suspect this because I've been hungry pretty much all the time recently and I have not gotten my period yet once this month, and I'm about a week or two overdue. However, I thought I felt a cramp earlier this morning, so fingers crossed. If you have any God you believe in, PLEASE pray to Him (or Her) for me. I'm so not ready for this.
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, October 15, 2011

My week:

Did homework, did math-test, spent time with Josh, found out I might have a urinary tract infection, went to class, stressed over essay, went home, watched Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood, listened to little siblings scream at each other, went to class again, had final for ACDV, had Chinese food(YAY!), had to pay for Chinese food (BOO!), got into fight with Josh over something stupid and cried myself to sleep, had breakfast, had lunch, mom bought me a new coat because the old one was falling apart, and now here I am.

Here's a picture of a flying squirrel.

Enjoy.
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My boyfriends parents are EVIL.

Right now, I don't care in the slightest what they think of me--they treat Josh like toxic shit just because he doesn't have a job, always bitching at him incessantly as if he's just sitting on his ass, doing nothing. He's been job-hunting for MONTHS. It's not his fault the economy's gone to shit.
And then, as if that wasn't frustrating enough, they took him aside and told him how fat he is. This is actually kind of hilarious. He is about five foot five and weighs 200 pounds, over half of which is muscle. His dad is about half a foot taller than him and weighs close to 800 pounds, barely any of it muscle. His mom is only skinny because she had gastric bypass surgery. Before that, she was just as fat as her husband. And yet they get off on calling HIM fat.

Yeah. I was mad.

Despite all that nonsense, today was a pretty good day. After our classes, we went to the mall and I got him a new belt and sunglasses because his broke and I got me some new jeans because my ass has grown so fast and so big over the past few months, I can barely fit into any of my long pants anymore. I'm not complaining though. Makes me feel like Beyonce. XD

Yeah, he seriously needs to find a job and move out soon though. I will NOT tolerate having someone I love have to deal with that shit--at least not from people he lives with, anyway.

Fr srs, those bastards act like they never even wanted him. I don't think I'll be able to look them in the face and not want to kill something for a long ass time.

If Josh and I ever get married and have kids, part of me almost hopes they give us a good reason to never let them see their grandchildren just so they won't corrupt them.

Only problem is Joshes only real ambition for a career is to tour in a band and quite frankly that's just not realistic--especially when you want to start a family. But, hey, who says this is forever? I mean, I'd definitely like it to be, but who knows?

I'm it'll work out somehow.
ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Just got my prescription of Fukitol filled and took a big, healthy dose.

Saw a stray dog today on my way to school. It was a golden retriever. He was really cute and he looked healthy. Seemed friendly. Couldn't really do anything for him though because my mom's allergic to dogs and our house isn't exactly "dog-proof" so boyfriend and I had to keep driving. :/

Just got yelled at by my little sister for not being able to play Wind Waker for her because I have a research paper to finish writing, which I should be doing now, but quite frankly, I don't want to. Luckily the rough draft is due tomorrow and the final is due on Friday, so after this week I will never have to see the son of a bitch again.

Shmeh... I'm cold. >.< My parents' room isn't insulated against the cold very well. No idea how they sleep in here.
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, October 1, 2011

You know... Maybe I should have been born without genitalia. Maybe I should go into the bathroom, cut my tits off, sow my vagina shut and just live my life without sex or boys or anything resembling it.

I feelings too. I don't how not to have or show them--I never have and I don't know if I ever will. I'm a terrible liar. I'm passive-aggressive and viciously hostile most days and almost every time I try to be my own person I come to the inevitable conclusion that I don't like myself enough to be just me.

I've heard you have to be happy in yourself before you go into a relationship, but the truth is I thought I was. I liked myself for the most part. I was fun and cute and low maintenance and nice, even on my bad days. The only time I was truly sad was when I was lonely and I got lonelier and lonelier as time went on until Josh and I happened. And I don't want us to un-happen. He's a drug that intensifies everything. My bad days are worse and my good days so much better because of him... I don't know. I don't really want to think about it. As far as my mortal eyes can see, it's just one dead end after another
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Boys. Is it their goal in life to make sure I feel shitty about myself?

Every time I get the slightest bit disappointed that Josh and I can't fool around--which isn't nearly as much now as when it was when we first started doing stuff--he takes it so damn personally, like he thinks I'm just using him for sex. Um, if that was all I cared about, I think I'd be long gone by now, don't you? It's not my fault kissing him is like being stuck by lightening.

I just wish he'd trust me. I just wish he would stop confusing me with his ex-girlfriend, who did use him for sex, and realize that I give and respond to affection best by touch--not even by sexual touch. Hold and cuddle me all day and I am a happy woman. I do admit, I enjoy sexual touching a lot more, but it's not like I demand it. It's not like we fool around every time we see each other and it's not like I expect to every time we see each other. Once a week is enough, and I think that's a pretty reasonable expectation.

And even if I don't even get that, I can deal. I'm disappointed, but I can deal.

But it's like Josh doesn't even want to allow me to feel that disappointment--like just because I say "Well, I wish we could fool around on that day, but I know it's your brother's birthday and you want to go see him, so I'll be okay," he thinks I don't love him.

Oy.... '-__- And they say WE'RE over-emotional.

I'm so tired. Gonna go to bed now alright? Alright.

ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, September 24, 2011

I am bored, lonely, depressed... Empty.

I'm pretty sure I have shit to do but I just don't feel like it's worth doing right now. Foolish? Maybe.

But I'll be sure to accept, not damn, the consequences. Sometimes I just have to do what I have to do, you know?

Our house flooded yesterday. Everything's alright now, but there are random wet spots everywhere so I almost tripped twice and it stinks from all the humidity.

Because I'm in a fem solidarity mood lately:

Now, I honestly don't give a damn about Oprah or Tom Cruise, but I love this song and I feel like this performance goes with the message of it a lot better than the music video.

We all know women have beautiful bodies and are empirically sexy because it's been stressed over and over again for the last century, if not millennium, but until now there hasn't really been a recent, popular song that talked about our strength and ambition--or at least not our ambition beyond marrying rich and having great sex. :/

So yeah, that's my mini-rant on feminism in pop culture for the day.

ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Good/bad news: I've decided to give existing another go.

Bad news: My boyfriend has decided to stop putting out and is therfore now denying me one of my favorite drugs to subsist on.

More good/bad news: Because of the bad news, I am once again back to being the typical, snarky, lackadaisical, bipolar, under-sexed virgin sexaholic... Well, touchaholic. Whatever.

I feel like I should justify my addiction. Here, let me illustrate this through a metaphor... or is it an equation? Actually it's both. (Equaphor? Metaquation?)

Anyway:

Me=Mouse
Happiness=food
Cheese=sex/near sex

There are a lot of ways to obtain happiness just as there are a lot of different foods mice can eat and enjoy--however, their favorite stereotypically is cheese just as my favorite way to happiness is near-sex with the person I love. (Well, actually my favorite way to happiness is through God, but I believe God is involved in sex, which is a whole other post and a whole other metaphor, so lets move on.)

However, no matter how much a mouse wants to, it cannot live healthily on nothing but cheese and obviously a relationship can't survive on nothing but sex, so there's not really anything I can say. Plus if I do say anything, Josh will feel bad and then I'll feel bad for making him feel bad and then the world will end. Again.

Basically, it's just the same old shit.

But there is actually good news: I'm over Margaret. The girl I grew up with and loved as a sister does not exist anymore and that's not my fault. I miss her, but she can't change back anymore than I can so I'm moving on.

Gonna go drink some tea and play some Wind Waker. Gonna work on getting over myself again. Damn thing just keeps getting in the way. I hope everyone is good.
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I thought it over and I've concluded it's simply way too stressful to exist.

So from now on I'm going to be a figment of God's imagination. A hallucination He gave everyone who talks to me for one reason or another. an imaginary coping device.

Isn't denial great?

I remember when I was in tenth grade and I convinced myself I had died the year before without noticing it and I'd become a ghost, just living out my life as some sort of Purgatory so I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that my ex-boyfriend replaced me with this cute, emo chick who looked exactly like me but shorter and that Dan hated me. Good times.

Anyway, small children are screaming and they have yet to realize I'm not real, so I have to go. :P

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, September 11, 2011

Went to mass today and it was all about forgiveness.
I felt very moved by it and committed to forgiving everyone and then as soon as I got home people started tripping all over me and really testing my patience--not on purpose, but still.

I have a theory. When God sees/creates enormous potential in someone, the Devil sees it too and attacks that person so as to sway them from God and foil His plan for them. (Does that make any sense?) That's what I believe is happening now.

In other news, I've been abandoned by Josh for a football game today. *siiigh* Men.

Today, I foresee much homework-doing and lonely-feeling.

How is everyone else's anniversary of 9/11?

I feel like a dick saying this, but for me it doesn't hold much meaning. I mean, obviously I'm sorry so many people died and that it happened, but I was only seven or eight or so when it happened. All I remember is I was watching Barney and my mom rushed into the room and abruptly changed the channel to CNN. :/

Plus, it's my favorite aunt's birthday, so I can't be completely sad. X)

Hope you all have a lovely day.
ily
~Belinda
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