Thursday, September 8, 2011

So, drama. It's hilarious.

Last semester, before I started dating Josh he liked this chick Jamie and they started "talking." Then he met this other chick Jill and liked her too. However, he also retained feelings for Jamie, so he told her what was up and asked her to give him a week to decide what to do, to which she passively-aggressively responded "Just go for Jill," in the hopes that he would choose her for being so fair-minded and nonchlant about the whole thing. Josh, being a guy and somehow managing to forget women usually want you to do the opposite of what they say in situations like this, did not pick up on this and started "talking" to Jill. Jamie was not pleased but instead of telling Josh this, mouthed off about it to everyone else.

In the meantime, Josh and Jill's relationship grew and developed until they were officially dating and all was well--except for Jill's abusive friends. For whatever reason, Jill enjoyed hanging around with people who had a tendency to cause her bodily harm and hospitalizations. Josh did not like this so he confronted her friends and asked them to stop. They took offense to this and talked Jill into breaking up with him. Four days later, Josh and I started dating unofficially.

For whatever reason, the fact that he had only waited four days before kissing me--as if he fucking planned on it--infuritated the whole damn world and now I'm known across campus as the latest bimbo to fall victim to his devilsh charms.

In other words: I'm famous. Congratulate me.

The moral of the story is:
1.People are stupid
2.Passive-aggressive approaches NEVER work so either forgive and gorget or just confront somebody outright.
And 3. People will always talk. Don't let what they say affect your actions.

The end.
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Just texted Josh about my high school "stalking" habits. You know. The whole Dan ordeal.

It's stupid, but I feel like it's a big part of my past so I figured he should know. I was too much of a pussy to tell him in person. Oy... '-__-

It's raining like a hip hop mogul's cash at a strip club out here. Ninja muffin said it's the remnants of a tropical storm, but so far he's the only one I've heard it from so I kind of doubt it.

Saw this girl Natalie I haven't even heard from in three years. It was pretty trippy. Didn't get to talk to her long because we both had to get to class.

Had a random half an hour conversation with this dude yesterday--I didn't even know his name. It's kinda funny. It started with something as simple as him remarking on how flimsy and uncomfortable these display cases on the walls are because he was leaning against one of them and then it ended with us discussing zombie apocalypses, old Legend of Zelda games, lip piercings, and writing. It was nice.

College is kind of like high school without all the awkwardness and with about twice the homework so far. Not sure if I like it or not yet.

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, September 4, 2011

Every time I try to do my homework, I feel as though I'm going to explode.

Part of me wishes I could just have a giant panic attack and get it over with. Another part of me knows that would only make things worse because the last time I had a panic attack, it felt like I was going to die and I was so exhausted, I couldn't do anything the rest of the day.

My aunt Cathy has cancer. Nobody knows what stage yet. The doctors think she's had it somewhere between three to five years. Prayers, plox?

My back hurts.
ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Belinda Sacco
ACDV 101- Transitioning to College
College Resources Assignment 100 points
The assignment is to identify college resources and student support services. Make use of every academic service that you need that the college offers, from tutoring sessions to writing centers; these are essential tools for your success. The purpose of this assignment is to identify and demonstrate an understanding of the student support services available to you as well as where, when, and how you can gain access to the services. Your answers should include the name of the service, location, e-mail address, and phone number.
1. ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬If you need help with a math where you can go on campus to find assistance? Building A, Rm 307
2. If you need assistance with a course and cannot make it to campus what resources are available? Online, WebCT.
3. If you need assistance with a writing assignment where can you access assistance before you turn in the paper to your professor? Building E, Rm 338
4. Where can you go to locate clubs and organizations that are affiliated with The Community College of Baltimore County? Building C, Rm 116
5. If you are having trouble coping with the stress of college or feeling depressed, where could you go on campus to get help? Building A, Rm 260
6. You discover that someone broke into your car while you were on campus. Where should you go at this point? Building A, Rm 110
7. You are not really sure about your major, what office on your campus can help you? Building A, Rm 220.
8. You know that you one day will want to transfer to a four year college, where can you learn more about the requirements and policies of the colleges you may be interested in transferring to? Building A, Rm 150
9. If you have to drop a class or an entire schedule because of family problems, medical reasons, work, or other reasons what offices should you visit to make the right choices and file the appropriate paperwork? Building A, Rm 120
10. Where will you go if you encounter technical problems with an online course?

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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sorry, I know it's been forever. Our powers been out since like Sunday. Fucking hurricane Irene.

Second day of college. If I wasn't such an anal-retentive, school-obsessed bitch at the moment, I'd be drowning in a puddle of self-loathing and shame, but since I don't have time, I guess I'm just going to be extremely angsty, take it out on people I like, do my work, and then have an emotional breakdown about it. All of this would be so much easier if Josh would stop introducing me to new people.

Like, I know it's not his fault for being popular, but damn it, I'm half dead and stressed out and on my period and in literally gut-wrenching (or maybe overy-wrenching) pain because I'm on my period so he needs to realize if he goes around introducing me to all his friends I'm not going to make a very good first impression.

Ugh... I'm such a bitch. '-__-
Gonna go kill myself by suffocation under a mountain of homework now.
ily
~Belinda
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Friday, August 26, 2011

I changed my mind.
Instead of committing suicide and being all over-dramatic and stuff like I was going to do five minutes ago, I'm just going to do what the majority of the population does and live an extremely pointless, unhealthy existence.

It's like committing suicide, but in ultra slow motion.

Then again, I might just be writing this to be satirical and morbidly comical. Maybe I'm just stupid enough to be over this by tomorrow and go on naively believing things will get better and maybe it's not stupidity at all. Maybe I just need to get over myself and cheer the hell up--let the doctors poke and prod me into a porcelain, plastic, and safety glass life; let the drugs transform me from the inside-out. Medicate myself into happiness--or maybe just oblivion.

But that's all long-term, future stuff.

For now, just fuck it. Fuck CCBC and employment and the space in my head where a bullet should go.

If I have to kill any more time, I really might just kill myself.
ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Wow. Did everybody die over the weekend?

Haven't been on in days and I return to find nary an update.

Ah, lets see, whats been happening?

Ummm, I'm slowly becoming addicted to the Sims 3 again. Not sure how long it will last because it tends to get boring pretty quick. See, I'm a writer so I try to keep my sim games interesting by making up their own little story lines and conflicts but it never really goes the way I want it to. For example, a character that I want to be evil and controlling to their families turns out being the best parent or kid ever.

Also been playing some Mario Kart because it's the only way I get to practice driving. I'm not home that often and when I am either my parents are too busy to take me out driving or asleep. And there's no way I'm driving with Josh. He's one of those people that yells at all the other cars on the road because apparently everyone else is brain dead or something and I'm just learning how to drive so he'd probably find plenty of reasons to yell at me, which would only make me feel bad and too emotionally unstable to drive. :/ Sooo, yeah.

Plus, I like shooting turtle shells at people when I race them. :)

Oh. And on a less nerdy note: last night I gave up on being happy and succumbed to being content. Therefore, I am officially old.

I feel like I lost my edge. Not sure whether that's a good or bad thing. No matter what anyone says, I'm still me. I've just finally calmed the hell down.

I think some days it's okay not to feel anything--which I'm sure I've been over before but oh well. It's still true.

I seem to have built up an immunity to caffeine. More than an immunity, actually. Now it just makes me sleepy--like it does with my dad.
He used to always have to drink a can of Mountain Dew before he went to sleep.

Oh. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to jinx it but I might be coming with Josh to Ohio in January to meet his birth sister. She lives pretty close to Cincinnati, so, Stephy, I might be able to see you. :)

MIGHT, mind you. It's a pretty big might. No idea if my parents are going to let me go. No idea if Josh and I will still be dating by then. His sister said she'd be fine with telling my parents she has two guest rooms instead of one, but I don't know. I can't promise anything.

Gonna go look for another way to melt my brain now. good night everybody (even if it is only 12:30 pm.)

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Responses to Comments.

The Fuz: Everything is not alright. Most of everything is, but not all of it and not just because of my family.

Stephy: Dude, that sucks. I could not live if I were allergic to shrimp. D: My family didn't do anything besides be themselves. That sounds horrible. I love them to death, but I can only listen to my two little sisters bite each other's heads off and my brother egg them on for so long without going completely insane.

Thinking about Margaret again. What the hell happened to us?

And it's not just her this time. I've lost so many good friends over the years. Some moved. Some graduated and I lost all contact with. Some I was just stupid and didn't even bother to try.

If I go back, this is what I'm going back to:

FRIENDS DON'T GIVE FRIENDS ULCERS:

She rushes around the kitchen, a bee in a hive, banging amidst the pots and pans, as I die in the middle of the floor for the fourth time this week.
Once for The Father.
Twice for The Son.
Three times for The Holy Ghost.
Four Times for good measure;
But it doesn't matter, it's the same old song.
The same, old alternating:
"Love yourself; have some confidence!",
"You're horrible! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Well, she never let me live in peace.
I don't know why I thought she'd let me die in it.
(Oh, "rest in pieces" never meant so much.)
My guts litter the floor.
She sweeps them up, throws them out, tells me to get up and help her mop my blood up off the linoleum;
she says: "Jesus is coming, Jesus is coming!" even though He's already been here for the past few hundred years.

When I don't move, she lets and sets her face to falling and says "Fine, but I'm not having you just lazing around like that when Jesus comes."
So she sweeps me up into the same dustpan as my guts and dumps it all out the window, into the ocean.
As I sink deep and let the water lull and lap my lungs to sleep, God swims up to me and whispers,
"Don't worry about it, honey. Dinner parties were never my thing either."

ily
~Belinda
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Friday, August 12, 2011

Am not happy. Burying myself in poisonous comfort food. (Chocolate, which gives me a rash.)
Family has broken my last nerve.
Anyway, my dad wants to use the computer now.
ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, August 11, 2011

So... My flash drive with my story on it got sand in it. I don't know if it still works. I don't know if I should care, honestly.

I hate myself for saying that. I was born to write and the book was supposed to be my baby but I haven't worked on it in so long. It's weird. I never have any trouble committing to relationships, but I always end up giving up on books and projects at some point. Once it stops being fun there just doesn't feel like a point. I guess I need to push myself a little harder... a lot harder.

In some ways I'm conflicted though... I don't want to be JUST a writer. I want to sing and act and dance and model and PERFORM instead of only sitting in front of a computer, typing away for hours on end. There's a stereotype that says writers are supposed to be quiet, bookish types.

I am the antipathy of quiet.

Oh, I can keep my mouth shut when I need to, but I'm not shy. Performing is a shot of adrenaline surging through my veins, heartbeat pounding, spotlight blinding--complete and utter Heaven. I don't want to give that up. Unfortunately, I have to because outside high school I know there's really not many opportunities for performing.

But I'm worried. I'm worried that once it sinks in that now that I can no longer be that crazy skeleton of pathos and unyielding emotional energy on the stage making everybody from students to parents to teachers think "Dayum. That bitch can RECITE/ACT/WRITE!" I will either come completely undone and break down or suppress everything that makes me loud, obnoxious, dramatic me and squish myself into society's box of normalcy.

Writing is the only way to save myself from those occurrences but I don't feel like it's enough. Or maybe it is and I'm just greedy.

There's an Oscar Wilde qoute that goes somewhere along the lines of "art's ultimate aim is to conceal the artist."
There's a lot of truth to that.

I probably just need to get over myself. That's usually how most of my problems are solved. (Well, that and a lot of prayer.)

ily
~Belinda
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