Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Yesterday was fun. Went shopping at the outlets and I got to take all kinds of fun pictures of my little sisters trying on high heels that were way too big for them. I got some dresses and pants from Forver 21 and a new bag from some giant designer name brand I'm too lazy to drop right now.

And then today we went to a different beach so my little sister Katie could look for sea shells by the sea shore... and that's pretty much it. I'm bored. About to upload pictures from my phone to my dad labtop.
ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

So I'm at the beach with my family. Or more precisely, I'm at my aunt and uncles house near the beach. (Obviously it would be a bit hard to post from the actual beach beach.)

Anyway, I'm happy and healthy(ish). Just wanted to let you all know. I do wish Josh could have come with us, but some of you are right. Maybe this week away from him will be healthy... I am unspeakably horny though. lol

XD My little brother Charlie and baby sister Valerie are acting out this whole Jersey Shore scene with Teddy Bears and stuffed animals. It's quite amusing.

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, August 7, 2011

A priest once told me apathy can kill you. I see what he means but is it really that much better to want to die?

Yeah, I know happiness is a factor somewhere in the equation, but my periods of joy are pure mania. No, not really the insane kind, but short, fragile, and unspeakably intense. All my highs usually lead to lows.

My therapist said I'm afraid to let myself be happy and she's right, but I am for good reason. Every time I soar, I end up crashing and the cycle just gets old after a while, you know?

Sometimes-like this one-I just want to be morose without being miserable, content without being over-joyed. It's so much less exhausting that way. I know it's a cowardly way to live but can't the world just let me dwell in the in-between for a little longer?

ily
~Belinda
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Friday, August 5, 2011

Lute, I think the point of the assignment was to surprise me with how much I'll change in a year or so. See, I still feel like I did when I was 16 but my therapist tells me I changed a lot since then so I guess it was sort of to prove her point.

Josh left a few hours ago to go to some birthday party for his brother. I couldn't come because my brothers play (The Rockin' Tale of Snow White) is tonight, but it doesn't start til around 7:30 so in the meantime I'm stuck here in this empty house with nothing to do but think and read books that make me think... This is not a good thing.

My mind doesn't always go to the best places when I think. Especially when I do it alone, for too long.

We're going away to North Carolina for a week and I'm scared out of my mind. A whole week without Josh. Yeah, I know it's probably pathetic I'm that attached to him but it's just how I am.

I mean, the two days I had to deal without him were torture. I survived, but they were torture. And now I have to go for a whole week?

I don't know about this. I don't have a choice but to go because my mom won't let me stay home alone, but I don't know about this. Things feel unstable enough already--not so much in my relationship with him but in everything else. Everything reeks of change and I don't know if I can handle it.

*sigh*
Sing it, Patrick.

I get so worried...
I get so alone...
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Therapy Assignment
Just got out of an appointment with my shrink. She told me to write myself a letter about who and how I am now and read it in a year or so. I decided to do it here because I pretty much grew up here and so it's always been my window to the past and I don't see why that should stop.
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Dear Self,

If you're reading this, that means you survived. Congratulations. For us drama queens that's always been a lot easier said than done. Well, maybe drama queens not the right word. Nobody else has ever described me that way and I don't think they ever will. Yes, I'm dramatic. Probably always will be, but I would never call myself a queen... not now I wouldn't anyway. Queen implies domination and control and sophistication. Right now, those aren't qualities I'd say are characteristic of me. No, they're more like coping tools--almost like a split personality I adopt whenever I have to do something I really don't want to. (See? Told you I'm over-dramatic.)

I took the focalin today so I'm kind of stuck in performer mode. I'm not usually this show-offy or composed... Much more sporadic. I wouldn't say neurotic.

But yes: definitely not a drama queen. More of a paranoid, weird, crazy kid. Are you still a paranoid, weird, crazy kid? Or have you matured into a paranoid, weird, crazy adult? Whatever you are now, I desperately hope you're not boring. Or ostentatious. Or complacent. Or rigid. Those are some of the worst things you could be. But honestly it's okay if you're unknown. I've always been deathly afraid of growing up to be a "nobody" but I think parts of me are allergic to fame (although recognition would be nice.)

ANYWAY. Your boyfriend of the time I'm writing this (I won't say names because you probably grew into something beautiful and glorious completely incompatible with him as is our habit) insists that you torture yourself but I don't think so. The majority of me thinks he's not trying to make you feel weak either, though. Logically, I think he's just a man and therefore just doesn't understand that sometimes it's okay and even healthy to cry and even when it's not poking at and dragging you to your favorite store isn't always the answer.

I know you have a tendency to suspect the worst in people and if not people than yourself but no matter what happens you are not broken or defective or tainted in any way and not everybody thinks or will think you are despite those few or many who do.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is its not your fault. I often have trouble believing that and I'll probably struggle with it for quite a long while but I hope by the time you read this you have learned to accept it once and for all.

My schedule mostly revolves around above mentioned boyfriend. Sometimes he's my soul mate, sometimes he's just another stepping stone.

I go back and forth between hating and sympathizing with his parents.

I'm about to go to college in a month. Right now, I expect nothing but that'll probably change in a day or so. I think I'll survive and probably more than survive just a smidgen.

Anyway, I'm starving so I'm going to binge on eggs and cheese and bacon and whatever other heart attack-inducing carbs I can find in the fringe.
Love,
~Belinda
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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

So... I'm really sleepy. Just had a caffeine crash.

Is it bad that I have acid reflux and a caffeine addiction? Probably.

Gonna go to Movie Stop and check out some new animes. It's kind of tough to find anything I like these days though because I have really high standards when it comes to anime and unfortunately most of it sucks.

One can only subsist on tentacle porn and horribly voiced giant robot wars for so long.
Any recommendations?

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, July 31, 2011

PICTURE STORY TIME, EVERYONE!!!


This is Margaret. As you can see, she's gorgeous. See why I've always been the ugly/butch one in our relationship? Ooh. That was bitter of me. Sorry, it's not my intention to be a brat and I know it's not Margarets fault for being as beautiful as she is, but I have a horrible habit of comparing myself to everyone around me and that's never been healthy for my self esteem.

This is my little sister Valerie in puppy make-up. :) We were on a cruise and they had face-painting so we all got our make up did.

This is what I got.

This is Josh being totally lame and not sitting still so I could take a better picture of him. T.T

This is me trying to be Hispanic for 10 minutes. It didn't work too well because I'm whiter than sour cream but oh well. This is just what happens when I have a bit of foundation a few shades too dark for me and way too much time on my hands. XD

Rob gave me crap last night for not being friends with Margaret anymore. :( *siiigh* I'm really getting tired of these guilt trips. It's not my fault we changed.

Anyway, I'm being called for Sunday lunch/supper. Talk to you all later.
ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, July 28, 2011

Intercept those ex-boyfriend moments that made them ex-boyfriends and rewind them. Baby, press play.
Tell me everything that's wrong with me and call me stubborn when I don't listen.
"Baby, don't be mad. I'm just trying to help. I love you, I swear."
When I'm crying it's my fault for being sad.
When we fight it's my fault for being mad.
I guess we reached the border of You'realwaysright I'malwayswrong.
Well, I'ma need to see a visa or something because unless somebody died and made you God, we're turning around.
I don't need your car or your gas to go anywhere.
Baby, God gave me these legs for a reason other than your admiration.
I'll walk a million miles before I let you carry me if you're gonna dictate my every move.

ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Finally broke down and told Margaret it was over. I really wanted to just slowly fade out of her life and drift into silence so it would hurt less but she wouldn't stop texting me so I had to straight up tell her.

And now she wrote a note to my mom on facebook asking what she did and what the hells going on.

I don't know. I wish she would just give up on me and leave me alone. She doesn't need me, she has other friends-lots of other friends. Hell, I don't even think she likes me anymore. She sure as hell didn't act like it the last time I talked to her when we were still friends.

On a brighter note, I'm eating a cucumber. :D

Thats pretty much how I feel right now.

Registered for college classes today. Having some trouble with some financial aid I was supposed to get but the stupid college people won't apply it to my bill. *le siiiiigh* The wonderful world of mediocrity.

I'm gonna go sneeze and rub my nose now.
Gdaaaaaaaay.
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, July 23, 2011

This is not just a fight with Margaret. This is permanent. It's over.
She's changed. I changed. I can't be her side kick anymore.

And while I know this is good for me and it was the right decision, it still hurts because I loved her. She was my best friend for thirteen years. We were sisters, comrades, a gay couple without the sex or the gayness.

So now I alternate from not feeling anything to breaking down in tears to having the urge to cut myself to occasionally wondering why I'm still alive.

You have to understand. She was a huge part of my life and now that she's gone there's this huge, gaping void in my life and my heart where she used to be.

And I'm sorry if I'm making anybody worry. That's not my intention. Most of the more dramatic stuff I say here is just to vent, to let it all out so I don't actually do any of it.

I'll be okay. It's going to take a while, but I'll be okay.

ily
~Belinda
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