Friday, July 22, 2011

fuiasfhioaf OHHHHHHHH, I wanna cut myself open so bad. Grab a real sharp knife, make a vertical incision between my boobs and drag the damn thing down to my belly button. Pull my skin open, expose my rib cage. Let my guts fall to the floor.

Trying to eat my breakfast so I can medicate these sick desires and neurotic panics away but every bite makes me want to throw it all back up.

I'm a hopeless, restless rush... My mind and heart are moving too fast for my body.

I'm going to see Josh today after two days of not seeing him and that should make all the pain go away, give me something to look forward to, but he can't save me. God is the only one who can save me.

yfkfyukgjkguilguuifiofy. My shrink said she's proud of me for ending it. One day I'll be proud of myself too. But for now I'm just trying to survive.

ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

While the thoughts are still fresh in my mind, let me just say I love her. I always have and always will. But I can't be friends with someone who tells me to have more confidence in myself and then bites my head off for just being myself i.e. dripping with sarcasm and making stupid jokes.
It's not my fault this time. I'm tired of apologizing for things that are not my fault and then keeping my mouth shut 24/7.

I can only walk on eggshells for so long, you know?

On a less depressing note I'm feeling better today. Haven't cried yet. I sent a text message to her ex requesting him to kindly get his head out of his ass and talk to her so she can finally relax... in the most politeist way possible of course. She'll probably be pissed if she ever finds out but oh well.

I feel like I'm talking to myself when I talk on here. :/ Shmeh.
There's really not much going on at the moment.

ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

So me and Margaret broke up... again. Part of me hopes that it stays that way for a while because I'm getting really tired of this on again off again ulcer-giving business.

Thanks to copious amounts of caffeine, shed tears, hugs from Josh, and Erikness of my buddy Erik, I am strangely enough for the moment okay. But I know that won't last. It never does. And Josh is going to be unavailable for all the cuddling and sexual healing I need on Thursday, so I need ideas for something that is mildly self-destructive and irresponsible.

Things I've already eliminated are:

1. Anything sexual. I'm way too bashful to buy a dildo (hell, I wouldn't even know where to buy one) and as I said Josh is going to be unavailable and there's no way I'm cheating on him, so, yeah, no sex.

2. Illegal drugs. I really don't have the money or the motivation to buy them. Plus I'd definitely get hooked on them and I've got enough issues and addictions as it is.

3.Cutting. I already tried it. Didn't make me feel better. Just hurt and messed my arm up.

I'll probably just end up writing suicide notes in my diary or something equally pathetic/stupid.

Le siiigh. I'm getting depressed again already. '-___-
ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, July 17, 2011

I feel very very vulnerable and fragile right now. You could break me with an eye-blink.

Regardless I came to tell you all that no matter what you've gone through, no matter the amount of abuse, neglect or shame you've experienced, and whether or not you've had the misfortune of having the Bible shoved down your throat--and I say misfortune not because the Bible is boring or unimportant but because having anything shoved down your throat is guaranteed to ruin it for you--you are accepted, wanted, and loved more than you could ever imagine and in a way that is completely unique to you.

There is a God and when He looks at the world He doesn't just see a giant, unruly, massive throng, He sees His children and He knows every one of them by name--knows him and her and me and you better than he or she or you or I know ourselves.

And yes, I have just come from Church but that is beside the point. XD
The point is, I want to change the world for the best.

Rules and dogmas can only change the world when coupled with love. I want the shame and the self-righteousness and the walls to come down. I want you all to feel your heart burning like mine is right now--please, no Peptobismal jokes. (OOH, PRODUCT PLACEMENT! SORRY, WORLD. >.<)

I'm in love with Jesus and I'm tired of hiding it.

ANYWAY. I decided to stop having near-sex(sex without penetration) with my boyfriend and I'm scared. For about a million different reasons.

For one thing I don't know if I can resist. I've failed and fallen so many times...

For another, I have trust issues. I'm scared if I stop putting out he'll eventually cheat on me or leave me.

Finally, worst of all, I'm scared I've been blinded by all the sexual energy and we don't have enough beyond that to make the relationship last.

This is definitely going to test me but I want to do this.
Please give me your support and pray for me.
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, July 16, 2011

Drugs and dogmas,
Pills and prayers,
All of God's men and all of Doctor's nurses couldn't put me back together again.
I've got one more borrowed pearl of poison to put in your ear:
Maybe things break for a reason.
And maybe I was right the first time when I heard "get busy living or get busy dying,"
Because dying is my whole life whenever I'm forced to live alone and I've got a sneaking suspicion that that's not quite the precipice of health.
I've broken another phone and lost another heart--or maybe it's the other way around.
Either way the garbage disposal can have both of them.
I'll hike out of the Valley of Death with every bone in my body broken if I have to:
Nothing could possibly hurt worse than staying here.
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Friday, July 15, 2011

Is it at all funny that Josh is going to a memorial service today and we're going to a zombie vs. humans party tonight? And is it at all in bad taste that I find it funny? Yeah, probably. :/
And speaking of bad taste...

I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself. XD

On a less depressing and/or morbid note, we are celebrating my brothers fourteenth birthday today. He's actually turning fourteen tomorrow but we're celebrating today because it makes us feel like good people.

Josh is inviting one of his exes along later to the party but he says he doubts she'll come... I really hope so. She makes my insides squirm like asphyxiated bottom-feeders on a fish hook.

Oy. Jealousy issues anyone?
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Corn: lol "Barney took a shit in the bathtub." EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW!!!! XD Ah, Hancock. That was a weirrrrd movie. A good movie, but a weird one. I guess I'm just not used to super heroes being connected to Greek and Roman mythology. It kinda makes sense though and it's a very creative concept. Honestly, I don't think I ever had a dream with a hot guy in it.

Stephy: Considering I had the dream back when I was stressed, I guess that makes sense. Maybe I need a vacation--an actual vacation, not a stupid camping trip. No, I think what I really need is a release--just one, big, orgasmic freewrite of everything I'm feeling and then I'll be good. Maybe I'll wake up really early one day before I hang with Josh and just splurge everything onto a piece of paper.... Or maybe, like you, I just need a good caramel, chocolate sundae.... But that's pretty much every problem's solution. XD

CrystalFlute: That could be it... I wasn't really taking a bath in the bathtub though. I just opened the curtain, and there was a small pile of purple cheese just sitting there. Plus Joshes mom does really bother me that much. I hardly ever see her and when I do we don't talk... much. I mean, we'll say hi to each other and how are you, but nothing really beyond that. It could be my friend though... I don't know. And, yeah, that's good advice.

Not much going on right now. Hanging with Josh again. Been watching A LOT of anime with him lately. I don't want to over-do it though. For some weird reason, after I watch too much of it I start to get this suspicion that I am an anime character... same thing happens when I get too into a book. I guess I'm just a little more impressionable than the average person.

My five year old sister Valerie just started taking swim lessons the other day. I'm glad. It should be good for her--be a nice energy outlet so she isn't so unbelievably hyper all the time. Plus it gives her a break from all the video games she watches/plays. I'm really worried about her sometimes. All she ever wants to do is either watch me play Wind Waker or play Mario Kart. :/ Le siiigh. She's too young to be a video game addict.

ily
~Belinda



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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I was really depressed when I woke up for some reason. Probably a bad dream I can't remember and a hormone attack.

Anybody know what it means when you see purple cheese in a bathtub in a dream?

I've been meaning to look it up for forever but I'd love to hear some of your interpretations first. XD

I don't know whats wrong with me--well, what's usually wrong with me anyway. Right now I'm okay for the time being. I'm mostly just lonely.

I don't wanna hang with Margaret though. If I do I feel like we'll inevitably end up talking about Josh and she'll find some way to blame my depression on him even though it really has nothing to do with him. I love her very muchly, but she's so freakin' biased... I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a baby and need to push myself more. I miss the good old days where I could just vent to her about everything and there wouldn't be any consequences but now I have to keep so much crap from her or else she'll just tell me to give up on him and find somebody else but that's really the last thing I want to do.

LE SIIIIIGH.
Wow, this is really depressing and boring.
I need to lasso my brain back into happier thoughts.

I LIKE PURPLE. :D lalalala. Here's a video.

ily
~Belinda

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Monday, July 11, 2011

I don't like myself at all right now.

I feel like such a has-been. An empty shell.

I haven't accomplished anything or done anything I can be proud of in forever.

Plus my paragraphs and sentences are getting shorter. And less interesting. And less grammatically correct! I CAN'T EVEN SPELL GRAMMATICALLY RIGHT WITHOUT SPELL CHECK ANYMORE!!!

To give myself some credit I have written a bit in the past month but I haven't looked at it since I wrote it so I have no idea if it's any good.

Went camping with some friends at Ocean City this weekend. Parts of it--like swimming in the ocean and taking pictures on the beach--were fun. Other parts--like getting into a giant fight with Josh over the phone because I feel incredibly intimidated by his best friend Kait and being stupid enough to take the relationship advice of an extremely biased friend--were not.

Actually, I had to leave early because I missed my family and Josh way too much. Is that pathetic? Yeah, probably. I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry, World. I'm just not ready to grow up yet.

My sporadic mind would like to delve into the depths of the semi-relevant and completely paradoxical for a moment so I apologize in advance, but sex is incredibly depressing (sometimes.) Well, this time, specifically.

I mean, I never actually did it tonight or any other night. With my trust issues there's no way I'll let anyone in in the literal sense before marriage. But I have done pretty much everything else... I think? Despite my experience, I am a virgin in the deepest sense of the word and therefore there are probably methods and favors and techniques I could never dream of, but most things the average person can think of, I've done... and tonight I almost cried. I'm not entirely sure why so it's probably just hormones... Or maybe I am every bit as filthy as I feel?

But no. I can't let myself think that. I've been down that road of shame way too many times and it never gets better. Sadly, that's the way it is with most of my thoughts.

LE SIGH. '-__- I really should not be sitting here alone right now. Bad things happen when I'm alone--well, no, it's more like shadows of dangerous and destructive thoughts are half-conceived. I really need to get control over my mind. It's freaking ridiculous that I have to resort to drugs (my medications, not the infamous Mary Jane) to control my mind.

That's an exaggeration... Most things I think and write are.

I am the girl who cried cancer when it was just chicken pox.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME!!! I'm boring. :P
HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS!!!

1. What is/are your deepest fear(s)?
(Being alone and completely untalented.)

2. Why would someone keep a loaded gun in an oven?

3.Why are people so disgusted with creamy, milky complexions (i.e., less than brown/orange skin)?

4. Whats the stoopidest thing you have ever heard?

5. What is the most important thing in a relationship: passion, commitment, or intimacy (not necessarily sexual)?

6. Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

7. If the path to Hell is paved with good intentions, is the path to Heaven paved with murderous ones? And if it is do all aspiring con artists, rapists, serial killers, and lawyers go to Heaven?

8. Does this font make my butt look big?

9. What's the secret to defeating insecurity?

10. What other question should I ask?

ily
~Belinda


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Friday, July 1, 2011

Gutter Glamor
Lalalalala let the camera pan over pantomimes.
"Baby, it's just like rock 'n' roll except without the music."
Inconsequential love,
Painless sex.
This is false advertising at it's best.
This sporadic mind, touchaholic heart won't let me rest.

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