Sunday, March 20, 2011

I asked her to stop saying shit to me about Josh and this is what she says:

"I'll say whatever I want to say. I understand he's your man, but just remember you met him through me."

Like that somehow gives her license to control every aspect of our relationship.

Naturally I'm grateful to her for introducing me to him, but she's introduced me to so many amazing people already in my lifetime that if I were to feel indebted to her for every time it happened, I'd be kissing her ass from now til the end of time and friendship just doesn't work that way. There's supposed to be a certain degree of respect between the two people for them to be friends and you can't respect somebody who's always kissing your ass. It just doesn't work.

And maybe it's just me, but I really don't think she has that much respect for me anymore.

I'm not saying I'll disown hr for this completely, but I'm definitely going to keep her at a distance. Maybe once she stops trying to control me and realizes I can take care of myself, we'll be good again, but until then I don't see us melting together in a puddle of best friends forever love goop.

In other, actual new news, we're doing this thing in theater arts where we have to write and perform our own mini-musical. My group is doing Sweeney Todd in ten minutes. XD
Obviously, it's not as awesome as the original, but I think it's pretty close.

I'm Mrs. Loveitt, which is awesome because now that I think about it, in a lot of ways, we're a lot alike.

RESPONSES TO COMMENTS:

Corn: Yes, I agree. It is pretty stupid. I could kind of see it coming though. She started acting weird as soon as it became apparent that Josh and I were serious. At this point, she doesn't know anything that I don't know about him. I honestly think it's not just Josh though. I think on some level she realizes that I'm growing up and becoming my own person now and she can't handle it.

Stephy: Neither do I. I don't think I ever will even now that it's happening to me. People are just stupid.
You are definitely the quintessential older sister. It's actually funny how that turned out because I remember when you were a stupid, self-destructive teenager and I was a naive, sheltered pre-teen, I would always be yelling at you for your shenanigans in my comments as if you were my little sister. XD And now it's the reverse. lol
Thank you so much for sharing with me. The fault of Marg and I reuniting makes me feel so much better. You have no idea.

ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Arrrrrrrgh.
Sitting here with my boyfriend and his brother bored out of my brain.
He's staring at me like a creeper again.

Some times he looks at me so intense, I feel like I'm about to self-destruct.

*siiiigh*



rhrerfseuyfregfuahgfugaefgyaehgrergfaerkfjhajdhfgyeuyer...

I was supposed to hang out with Margaret today, but I really didn't feel like it.

It's about damn time I was my own person for a change.
Might have to deal with more boredom later on tonight because he's probably gonna drag me a long to see his brothers friends who are rather red-neckesque. '-__- I kinda expected that, though.

On the bright side, I bought some hair dye. It's red, so, Emily, we'll be twins! :D
MOTHAFUCKING VAMPSSSSSSSSSSSS~~~~~~~<3
ily
~Belinda
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Friday, March 18, 2011

*siiigh* So. Margaret and I got into a fight two nights ago. I basically cried myself to sleep.
We've been best friends for 12 years and she has NEVER hurt me like that. It was almost like talking to a different person.

Everytime I hear a breakup song, I think of her now.

She hates Josh and resents me for dating him. Every time I bring him up, she ALWAYS finds something to criticize, some poinsonous dagger comment to make and stab through my heart.

*sigh* This is the end of an era...

Like a rich virgin in a Jane Austin novel, everyone wants to do right by you for all the wrong reasons.
Like a poor hooker in a Julia Roberts movie, everyone shows me their wrongs like it's the most right thing in the world.

Baby, you're so smart and so tough,
You love and give and take so much,
Give and take so much in more ways than one.
This time twelve years of laughter just isn't enough to dry up all the tears.

I can't be your baby doll anymore.
You always said you don't wanna be a nun, but you were always my sister.
You always said you don't wanna be a nun, so stop trying to be my Mother Superior.
Because I am not your child.

ily
~Belinda.

P.S. Thank you all for being my friends and supporting me all you do. I never fear criticism on here because I know I'm safe here. You all are my very best friends. I love you all more than words could possibly describe.
<3
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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I walked home from school today.

There's really no excuse other than complete idiocy and well... basically, this one secretary was giving me shit about not waiting in line because apparently it doesn't count as waiting unless you're actually standing up so I got all upset and started crying and cussing and quite frankly I just knew if I stayed, I'd get in trouble so I left.

Twas about a two mile walk. I actually quite enjoyed it. Thoreau once said God can be most easily found amongst nature. Walking along, I saw what he meant.

Everything was so spiritual and quiet and connected... There was an odd sort of ancient, uniting power in the air. This sounds really trite-completely laughable, actually-but I really was in one with The World--not the world. There's a huge difference.

But anyway, I could feel God everywhere around me and in me. It was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life.

Margaret thinks I abandoned her. I don't blame her.
It's not that I don't like her anymore or that we grew apart, it's just... I'm scared. I'm scared she won't accept me back in, that our bond has been broken. I can take rejection from guys, from my peers, even from my own family sometimes, but never Margaret. She's my ride or die.
Pray for me. :(
ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Urrrrrghhhhhh... Play practice. '-___-

I didn't eat for 8 hours because Josh picked me up afterwards and refused to feed me. Needless to say, I stuffed myself practically to death as soon as I got home.

And there were cats. I'm allergic to cats... '-__-

To top it all off, pretty bi boys think I'm hideous. ;~; It pierces the very inner, ectoplasmic fabric of my soul.

It's weird. The happier my life gets, the more things I find to bitch about. XD Ahhh, irony!

Oh. And for theater arts, we're doing Sweeney Todd in Ten Minutes. I'm excited.
ily
~Belinda
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Monday, March 14, 2011

Okay, SO... *DEEPFXCKINBREATH*

1. About two weeks ago, Josh FINALLY agreed to be my boyfriend but we're not posting it on Facebook, because quite frankly Facebook does not need to know... Buncha pests. :P

2. He is now perpetually calling me baby and babe so I guess he kind of "owns" me now? Which would explain the tag on my ear? I guess... ? I don't know. But he's fcked if he thinks I'm doing his laundry!

3. I ended up not going to marathon rehearsal because honestly I just didn't feel well. It wasn't a problem though, which is great.

4. About two weeks ago (a little bit after he and I started officially dating) I told him I loved him because I did--I still do. I actually fell for him about a week and a half into our semi-relationship and was holding it back until that point so when I finally said it, it wasn't as big of a deal--until he said it back the very next morning. I had a mini-freakout at that point because I'm not used to that much commitment so soon in a guy and it kinda scared the living shit out of me, but I soon got over it.

5. I haven't seen my bestest friend Margaret in forever, which really saddens me. :( She doesn't approve of Josh as my boyfriend at all, though, so I don't really like talking to her as much now because whenever I do, she always ends up complaining about him.

To sum it up, Josh is gonna be around for awhile--I don't know about forever, but definitely awhile.

In OTHER news--yes, omg, shocker, there is other news--the play is opening in three weeks and I have rehearsel EVERY day this week. Oh, I can't feel my legs already...
ily
~Belinda
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Friday, March 11, 2011

I am SO fuckin mad.

Today's marathon rehearsal day and apparently they're not letting ANYBODY leave early. Whether this means they'll have storm-troopers with assault rifles by the door or what, I don't know, but I am NOT staying til 9. That's fckin ridiculous.

Got a lot to tell you all but I guess I'ma have to do it later. Bells about to ring
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I feel better... slightly.

I'm still tired and annoyed and my five-year-old sister won't stop yelling at me, but for the most part I'm alright.
Tech week for the musical is coming up. Still saying goodbye to the feeling in my legs. *sigh*
Theater life. Gotta love it.

Josh and I are officially each other's drugs. For once, I'm the less hopeless of the pair though. As long as I'm distracted, I can actually go a day or two without seeing him--not happily though.
Anyway, I gotta go. My sister's yelling at me--again.
ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, March 6, 2011

I feel like Sweeney Todd at the end of Sweeney Todd. Every song is sung, everyone who matters is dead, there's nowhere to go--I'm ready to die.

I know we're celebrating my moms birthday today, but it feels like nothing good can possibly come out of today. I need something to dye, something to fix, something to change... or at least get out of the gray. The gray is my poison. I wouldn't mind rain so much if not for it.

There's a pulse behind my eyes that's beckoning me closer and closer into my demons and all I want to do is disappear. Where did the hope go while I slept? Why did I wake up to nothing but failure and dread?

I'm falling again. Please help me. Pray for me--I don't care what God you believe it, just ask Him to help me.
ily
~Belinda
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Friday, March 4, 2011

Got a whole slew of things coming up. My mommy's birthday is on Wednesday, the play is about a month away, and my college application deadline is winding down. Oy... '-__- I'm sleepy.

The good news is, about two weeks ago my dad got a job after six months or so of being unemployed, which is a HUGE relief.

Josh and I are cool. We made out/hung out yesterday after play practice and we're supposed to go hiking today, but I'm so damn tireeeeeeddddd.
I gotta go, guys
ily
Talk to you all later
~Belinda
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