Friday, September 17, 2010

Urgh. This is two... Well, no, three Fridays in a row now that I've been too tired to do anything except update myo. Honestly, this is pathetic. I'm becoming a complete and utter recluse. '-__-

If it soon gets to the point where I do nothing but chat with people online and have long distance relationships, I'll scream.

On a happier note, it's the end of the week! :D Might go bowling tonight. I don't know.
Truth is, I really don't feel like doing anything. I'm exhausted. It's been an intense day. Not really bad at all, just intense.
Thought about my future and that's always scary, because I have a very vague idea of what it's going to involve and I am not in the least bit ready for it at all.
Anyway, I'ma go dive-bomb into my bed. Bye.
ily
~Belinda
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ahaha.
Victoria... '^^
I said hi to her today and at first she smiled back all sweet, but then she sort of gritted her teeth in a grimace and hissed "HI, Belinda," like she was about to gouge my eyes out or something. Who does she think she's fooling? Dayum.

Aside from that incident, it was a good day. Got some glowing praise for this shitty essay I wrote.

Gotta go now. Baby's screaming.
ily
~Belinda
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Ugh. Major writer's block at a crucial moment. '-__-
Oy. I dislike homework on day's off.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, September 13, 2010

Well... I must be doing something right.
THe bitchy, preppy kids on the bus are giving me dirty looks again--well, actually, it's only one kid, but I'm such a softy it might as well be a horde of em.
Stayed up late to watch the VMA's. I gotta say, I was disappointed. I was expecting a lot better performances. Ah well.
Youtube is being crappy and won't let me post a video of my favorite performance, which was Kanye West's Runaway, but this was probably my second or third favorite.


The host of the VMA's--Chelsea Handler or whatever her name was--really annoyed me though. She tried way too hard and most of the time, she wasn't even funny, just disgusting and insulting.
It really annoys me that there are no real female comedians anymore--they're all a bunch of drunk whores who like to diss other people, and to me that's just not comedy.

In other news, election day is tomorrow so my brother and I get off school! :D
wheeeeeeee!
ily
~Belinda
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I have the sneaking suspicion that today is gonna suck. '-___-

Ahhhhhhhh, sleep. bleh.

It's all cloudy and gray and wet outside. There's nothing to do and nowhere to go except homework and my room and I'm already bored to tears.
Luckily, there's supposed to be a new Shane Dawson video out today and the VMA's are gonna be on tonight. Other than that... Nada.
Frankly, I'm surprised I've made it this far in the day.

Yesterday was a surprisingly good day. I finally realized that all the things I've been hating myself and blaming myself for in the past few years or so--The whole Dan thing, the Mike Reagan thing, and the stupidity with Shaun--is not my fault. None of it is.
Sure, I acted like an idiot in ninth and tenth grade towards Dan but it was only because I didn't no any better and there is no excuse for the hostility he treated me with.
Sure, things between me and Shaun are shitty and they probably always will be, but they would probably be a lot better if he would just leave me alone. I handled it the best way I possibly could and now whatever happens between us is on him.
And, sure, I like Mike Reagan to a point where it hurts and he'll never like me back, but that's because he's confused and conflicted and not even sure if he likes girls, not because he doesn't like me personally.

In short, I repeat: IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
And I'm going to keep repeating it like a mantra until I'm totally convinced because I know deep down that it's true and that I'll never be able to forgive anybody if I don't first forgive myself.
Besides, I need to grow, and all these issues are impeding me from doing so.

I know the world--well, The Devil actually--is going to keep throwing obstacles like the aforementioned conflicts in my path for this reason because the Devil doesn't want me or God to win or be happy, but I'll keep fighting against those obstacles. No matter what anybody says or does, it's not my fault. It's not my fault.
ily
~Belinda
Comments (0) | Permalink

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Corn--That last poem was about writers block.
I'm pretty sure you'll know what this one is about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BITE ME, BARBIE BOY
No matter what I do with and to myself,
No matter how much make-up and hairspray I put on, I'll never be good enough for you, will I? Will I?
Don't misunderstand me, though;
It's not that I can't change, it's just that shouldn't have to.
Because, baby, for you, I would walk through fire, swim through acid, fly into a hornets nest, but I would never go under the knife for anyone or anything.
So go.
Go home with your orange-skinned and watermelon-chested girls.
I'm sorry.
I'm simply too real to be fake enough for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROWIN UP NAKED
Complications!
Lessons left unlearned.
Is it really worth being anybody's first (love)?
I will always be somewhere within too young and too old, too fast and too slow, but either way I can't go back.
Mistakes have been made, wounds have been opened and reopened, scars have formed, and I can't make any of it go away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've been in a really tragic, poetic mood lately. I don't know. I guess I'm about due for a breakdown.
Shaun's bitching about me blocking him on facebook again. You'd think after almost an entire year of me avoiding him, he'd get the message that I just don't wanna talk to him, but I guess he's just that stupid. '-__-
Ugh... What'd I ever see in him?
Luckily, I heard he might be moving to Florida soon, so THANK GOD. I feel kinda bad for Mickey Mouse though--now he's gonna have to deal with my ex's loser ass.
SORRY, MICKY. So, so, so SO sorry.
ily
~Belinda
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, September 10, 2010

Welcome my warm embrace.
I don't feel like my self today,
But then who am I? Who am I?
Over and over I tear out these words from my soul, even when they're not there, and after a while it hurts so much I can barely breath.

My generation did away with intelligence and my corporation did away with aesthetics so all I have left is honesty.
There's an ache in my gut that bleeds true , but these words are too far and few for me to breath life into them.

Trying to name strange feelings and come up with the cause, but all I ever know for sure is the result.
Everything veiled in dust in red--it's always on my mind but out of my reach.
There are some things inside that just can't be brought out.
ily
~Belinda
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Thank you, Stephy. In the midst of all this chaos, I need someone to tell me to relax. :)

On a random note, the band Second Hand Serenade reminds me of my friend Chris a lot--not really the songs or lyrics, but just the guys voice.

*SIGH* I can't tell you how good it is just to breath. Nothing's really happened yet, but everything's been so intense, for some reason.

Speaking of intense, all has been dead-quiet on the arch-enemy/evil neighbor front, and thank God. He cuts me wide open and the way things are now if I'm ever desperate enough for inspiration that I'll let him hurt me to get it, I might as well shoot myself in the face.

Ahhhhh, I just want to lay down and welcome sweet oblivion. I'm so tired.
ily
~Belinda
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I am only seventeen years old.
Fuck, I'm not even old enough to vote yet and everyone's already trying to make me plan out my life for the next four years or so!
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know who's going to be there. And I don't know what I'm going to learn.
I really wish everybody would stop trying to get me to answer those questions already. The only plan I have and the only plan I feel that I need is to write like hell, try my hardest, and always be praying. The rest is up to God.
It's not so much I don't have a future, therefore, so much as it is it's not here yet.

Oh, and I'm not actually writing this for anyone besides myself. It's just that I forgot that today and I nearly... Well, honestly, I DID have an emotional breakdown.
My teachers, guidance counselors, and friends of my mother are all over my ass to do nothing but obsess over colleges this year, and frankly I have better things to do with my time--like enjoying my senior year.
ily
~Belinda
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Stephy... Please. Don't leave me.
Comments (0) | Permalink