Sunday, September 5, 2010

   Ughhh... Relapse
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!NGJKDLGLKDGLSDJTEIUT9485U9!!!
I'm so bloody restless! D:< I'm itching for a fix. I need my hair-dye hard core now. It doesn't even matter if it looks good to me, I just need something to change.

Natural's got it out for me. Just can't stay in one place with one color for more than five seconds.
Everybody else is disappearing, so why can't I? Why can't I?

Individuality proved to be too much for me.
Survival won't let me keep both my life and my soul, so I'll guess I'll just have to call it a day and die.
That is, if my epileptic heart will let me.
As I stand on the edge and suck in a breath through my teeth, I have to wonder what will be there when the smoke clears.
All I wanna do is fall into the sky and asleep on the clouds.
I never knew where I was going on the ground, so I'm not going to be worried about it in the air.
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My eyes are burning but I don't wanna stop writing. I get info about the school play tomorrow. We're doing the Christmas Carol and I'm going to audition next week, so yeah. Gotta go to the meeting and get a script.

Sorry about the short post but I've been pretty busy. I get the feeling there won't be a lot of afternoons where I go home without homework.
Other than that, things have been pretty good though. My BFF got herself a boyfriend and he's pretty cool. :)

ily
~Belinda
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Monday, August 30, 2010

So... First day of senior year. Um... It was interesting.
I straightened my hair, piled some makeup on, conversed with complete strangers, was apparently "awesome" (their word, not mine) in front of awkward acquintances, and did at least twenty other things I never did before in my entire high school career.
But will I be able to do them again tomorrow? Hmm.... Suspense.
I also had an appointment I had to go to--conferance with a counselor to make sure I'm qualified for financial aid from their company--in the middle of the day, so that made it more interesting.
Overall, it went better than expected.

I can't believe things went that well and how flexible I was though. I kind of look back on the day and wonder "Was that really me?" Usually I'm really reserved and quiet. :/

I don't know... It just feels weird, but in a good way...? I don't know.
ily
~Belinda
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, August 28, 2010

Thinking of getting a crucifix tattoo right below my left shoulder. I looked on the interweb for designs, but all they have is crosses, and I want one with Jesus on it, so any suggestions?
I wanna get it around my eighteenth birthday so hopefully my family will have more money by then.
My reason for getting a tattoo, btw, is simply because I want to have a crucifix on my body permanently at all times because I simply feel safer that way. I hate leaving the house without a crucifix and I just feel like such a better person when I have one on me, so it's simply more convenient to have one carved into my skin.

I'm thinking of having the design modeled after the crucifiz on my rosary except maybe a centimeter or two bigger. I'm not sure.
Probably gonna start working on designs soon.

In other news... well, I've already had several major meltdowns on here about school on monday, so I guess there is no other news. XD
Au revoir.
ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Belinda, Why Did Whatsherface Burn Down The Auditorium?
Because she was sick of being contained and sicker of being afraid.
Eyes shut and shot, mouth opened and honest, she screamed into the mircophone:
"This is the last time you'll ever make us feel this way."
The choirboys and car crash girls were there to back her up, so she let the mic drop and left the chorus to scream:
"We are the glamorless, the graceless, the kids 'ideal' society tied up and gagged backstage because we didn't fit the picture, and we, we are the future. We are the future!"

But she knew no matter how loud the choir boys and car crash girls screamed and no matter how much society listened to them, society would never hear them.
So she uncapped the can of oil, lit a match, and let it drop like she'd done the mic.
Some days there's just no such thing as a high enough dose,
And on those days matches and oil are so much cheaper than anti-depressants and satisfaction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And that's my poem about arson and setting oneself and ones friends on fire. Enjoy :DD

Um...In other news, I'm thinking about getting a job modeling for extra money. Nothing big or high fashion probably. I'll probably just end up in a wallmart or K-mart ad, although I'd love to do something more avant garde. Sadly, I can't walk in heels at all, so it's probably gonna be relatively small. Honestly, I just need some money and some glamor lessons.
Anyway, wish me luck with that because I'm not sure how it's going to go.
Also, I'ma be up in Romney, West Virginia on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning. After that, it's the first day of school. '-__-
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I'm so tired and I can't think or write. '-___- kffkgytukckkgvhjggffxgckhjhghjbgffdhfkfuycsrf
I feel like an open wound.
Almost had a nervous breakdown yesterday.
I wonder if I just need a stronger dose.
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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

URGHHHHHHHHH!
Gonna have to make this post short because my eyes are killing me. Shouldn't be too hard to do because nothing much really happened yesterday. I just kinda stayed home and relaxed. I did, however, buy, a Shane Dawson T-shirt, which was quite overpriced (22 freakin' dollars!) but quite beastly.
I'm supposed to go to the movies tomorrow. Not sure what we're going to see.

Btw, could you guys please pray for my dad that he gets a job soon? Preferably a good job that he likes? Because he's been out of work for like two months now and he hasn't applied for anything, so my mom and I are getting kind of worried.
ily
~Belinda
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Monday, August 23, 2010

Hey, guys.
Thanks your comments on yesterday's post. Yesterday was pretty much the day from hell. After I posted on here, I logged on to facebook, where one of my long-time friends proceeded to bitch me out about my breaking up with my ex, which happened A YEAR AGO! I lost temper and it obviously didn't go well. It hurt a lot though, because unlike last time I got harassed about my ex, this came directly from a friend, someone who I used to laugh and joke with all the time.
So, anyway, after that, I started to feel sick, and it just sort of went downhill from there.

Anyway, now I'm here listening to Panic! at The Disco on Stephy's playlist. *sigh* I miss the old Panic. Ah well...
Don't know what I'm doing today. Probably gonna play pokemon til my eyes fall out of my sockets. Oh, I'm such an addict!
ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Spoke too soon on the party.

Mike's issues are driving me insane.

LOVE NEVER WANTED ME.

JGDGSJLDGJKLDSJGKLDSRJIL Everything fcking hurts! Couldn't sleep at all last night and now I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out. :(

Oy... I don't want to go into the whole "in love with semi-transsexual boy" again, but I guess in order to purge I have to.

After the mall, Mike showed up at the party, where I proceeded to basically be all over him because that's simply how I treat the guys I like and because he never protested.
And when I say "all over him," I don't mean anything really sexual, just a lot of hugging and putting my arm around him and harmless stuff like that.
I later found out the next day, however, that Mike briefly conversed about it with my best friend Margaret.
Basically, after I had rested my head on his chest for like ten or fifteen seconds, I had to leave the room because it was too noisy and I had to take a call from my dad.
While I was out of the room, Mike apparently looked upset, so Margaret asked him what was wrong, and he said something along the lines of, "I've got five girls looking to be with me and I don't want to be with any of them."

This pissed me off because one: I asked him almost throughout the entire course of the party if he was uncomfortable with the way I was treating him and he always said that it was fine.
If he wanted me to back off, he could've just told me and I would have!
Two: He always treated me like I was someone special to him--one of his very best friends--and then he goes ahead and refers to me as "problem girl number five." WHAT. THE. HELL!

I mean, I know I like him and he doesn't like me back but that doesn't mean he has to act as if he does.

In his defense, though, those probably weren't his exact words because Margaret has been known to misquote people a lot and I wasn't really in the room to hear him say it so I don't know if he was simply brooding over his own issues or actually expressing his distress over my clingy behavior. Twas probably the former. :/ I don't think he would be quite that vicious to do that to me.

Either way....Ugh. Complications!
ily
~Belinda
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Friday, August 20, 2010

Yesterday was simply amazing.
Went to the mall at around one to meet up with my bestie, Margaret, and my favorite Justin Bieber lookalike/sex muffin Mike. My other friend Ronnie soon joined our group and the perfect afternoon was complete.
Then at around 5 we went to our friend Jeremy's house for the pool party and the amazingness continued.
Usually I hate parties because they make me feel really awkward but last night........ Ohhhhhhh, LOVE! <3 <3 FR SRS, like you wouldn't believe.

It was literally one of the best days of my life.
ily
~Belinda
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