Monday, January 14, 2013

Restless as hell. Memories and thoughts of school plague me constantly. I need to get out of my own head. Luckily I got plenty to keep me busy this week. Gotta pack, print out boarding passes, get margaret a birthday present...
Siiigh... I need to work on my novel but my head isn't a safe place anymore.

Worse than senile,
Used to be able to find the vein
Inside every cocoon
The heartbeat behind every soundtrack
Now I am slipped disk, a headache,
A dizzy spell that won't go away.

Ily
Belinda
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Sunday, January 13, 2013

COME BACK TO LIFE, HONEY MUFFINS!!!!
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED THAT I WISH TO TELL YOU!!!
>.<

Things you've missed:

1. Right after I posted my last post, I called Josh for a ride.

2. Josh came to pick me up. I wanted to kill him. More precisely, I wanted to seize him, shake him, and scream "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT YOU DONE WITH THE GUY THAT ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME?!?!?!?!" All he did was make DBZA references and talk about himself. Never once asked me how I was or what I'd been up to. Then he acted like we were the best friends and were totally going to hang out every single day. I would rather rip out and eat my own intestines.

3. Chris bought me plane tickets to Illinois and back. I'm going to do down there on the 18th and stay for about a week. Hella excited. :D

4. I fucking love him. Just sayin.

5. Margaret's turning 21 on Thursday. Gonna let me see if she'll let me buy her a draaank. (Obviously, she's the one who has to order it though. X3)

Annnd, that's about it. Oh, I never did end up having dinner with my old teacher. She cancelled on me because her husband had to have surgery. :P

I love you all
~Belinda
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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Sooo today is crazy. Supposed to go to dinner with my old women's studies professor tonight and I also have to get my allergy shot today--which wouldn't be a problem except both my parents are at work right now so I have no one to take me to the allergy shot place and my professor is picking me up hella early.

Not to mention, the place is way too far to walk. '-__- It's a good five miles from my house. Ordinarily, I'd try anyway, but I'm not sure when she's coming, so... Yeah. About to call her in a minute. >.<
This is the band I've been listening to all week:

Getting to my emo roots. Oh yes. XD
I love you
~Belinda
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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Honey,
It's okay to miss
Your little virgin
Friend from myspace.
God knows I do.
Don't take the sobs and the gasps personally.
I just get so damn claustrophobic when put behind glass.
Clip my wings, dry me out--dead butterflies.
I fell long before I ever got to fly.
Maybe that's why I'm still alive.
Satisfaction will resurrect us one day.
Til then I'll see you at the end of the world.

ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, January 5, 2013

Doubt has me in a death grip.

On the precipice of sheer terror.

My rabbit heart is about to burst.

This is all from taking a virtual tour of a university in Illinois. The plan is to transfer there after I get my associates degree from CCBC, but just looking at the website had me all kinds of intimidated.

My whole life, except for home-schooling, I've only gone to givens and minimals: public high school, community college. What if I'm not as clever as I think I am, as everyone else thinks I am? What if I can't make it a school that's not almost completely government sponsored?

The truth is, I'm not strong or independent. I've always had someone to hold my hand be it my parents, my family, or whoever I was dating at the time.
I think this song sums up my state of mind right now:

I love you all
~Belinda
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Friday, January 4, 2013

I'm slipping.

Heart is throbbing, insides itching.

My stomach is a pot of hot water about to boil over, but my surface feels so cold. I need to see him. I would almost walk there at this point. I forgot how lonely this could feel. I forgot how much this hurts.

My very first relationship was long distance. I was 11 or 12. I can't remember. I actually "met" the guy on here. His name was Mike. Lived in Florida. Lasted for a few months. It wasn't so much him I liked as much as it was just having a boyfriend. I think we're all like that at one time or another.

I love this. I love him--but I want more.

I need to meet him.

Going crazy. Crazier than I was already.

My one friend's boyfriend is being a total jerk to her--and she's just letting him. He keeps acting distant, standing her up, ignoring her for video games. She deserves so much better. I know she loves him, but it breaks my heart to watch him do that to her.

*sigh* The things we do for love...

I love you
~Belinda
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Thursday, January 3, 2013

   Put your penis away, Chris!
They left us for delusions.
Lets leave this loneliness for each other.
Consumate our mutual craze
over cyber space
100 miles away, 12 hours apart:
I'm open wide for your airbourne heart.
Speak to me:
id, ego, and super egomaniac.
So, mother, so, brother, what if sanity doesn't prove satisfactory?
So, lad, so, dad, what if when I pick up the pieces they don't fit back together like they used to?
I am, he is, we are a whole new bleeding, breathing masterpiece.
Don't blame me if you cant see the healing for the scars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I scare myself with how happy I get sometimes. I think that's what's really been holding me back all these years: Fear.
I always wanted to protect myself from getting hurt, from having my dreams crushed, my heart broken. But the thing is you can't protect yourself from pain without also protecting yourself from happiness. That's true of everything. The higher the risk, the bigger the pay out.

My favorite thing about Chris is even with everyone sitting around telling me I'm crazy and to find someone closer or simply simpering at me patronizingly when I babble at them about Chris for hours, I don't doubt him a third as much as I doubted any of the other guys. Him, I just know things will work out. Certain things he says are like the voice of God saying, "This is it, Belinda. He's the one."

For example, we were having this one conversation tonight about our constant struggle to take things slow sexually, and he said something along the lines of "The main reason I don't want to go too far with you is because I don't want you to feel like you're endangering your relationship with God because I know how much that means to you."

I almost kissed my computer screen.

As you all recall (or should) the entire time I was having sex with Josh, I was going through complete hellish spiritual turmoil. He cared--but he never once cared enough to stop. It was always me who had to try to bring up the subject of sexual fasting. He would respect my wishes, but any time I showed the slightest bit of interest or the faintest struggle with temptation, he went down and dragged me down with him. He never took an active role in resisting me even though I'm quite positive he knew that's what I needed.

But Chris isn't even a Christian--he just recently started believing in God, actually--and he still understood how much God means to me. He put me before himself in a way Josh never did.

Before you all panic, I haven't just been sitting at my computer talking to him all week. One of the most important lessons I learned from the whole Josh ordeal was that it is essential to have a life outside of your relationship. I've been hanging out with Margaret, trying to get together with my friend Erika, practicing for the driving test--as a matter of fact, today I just took it and failed it for the very first time. Wheee! :D

I'ma go shower now. :P Night, everyone.
I love you
~Belinda
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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy new years, everyone! Hope you had a great New Years Eve and are having a great New Years Day. If you're not, I recommend massive amounts of chocolate and youtube videos of cuddly animals. I know, I know: Revolutionary concept.
I'd post such video on here, but I'm typing this on my nook and I don't know if you can copy and paste on here.
Gotta go to Mass soon. Ta!
I love you
-Belinda
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Saturday, December 29, 2012

So Chris found my Myotaku and is now reading through my archives with me, looking for any mention of himself. lol
#myfavoriteegomanic/hashtagsliketwitter.

This is actually the most fun I've had in years. XD
He's every bit as obsessed with me as I am with him. It's the most honest relationship I've ever had. Even more honest than the one with Margaret. There's no bullshit at all. I love it.

So anyway, I hope you all are doing well even you probably won't read this. (COME BACK TO LIFE, MY LOVELIES!!!!)



^Awez song, guiz, awez.

This is Chris' and mine song, guys:


I love you
~Belinda
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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

So Chris and I are getting married.

In, like, five years. XD

If you think I'm crazy, you're probably right. Luckily, so is he. Most of the time the distance between us (about 12 hours worth) doesn't even matter. Everything Josh did to me by holding my hand, whispering in my ear, or biting my neck, Chris does to me by talking and looking at me. It is hard sometimes. There are so many times where he'll send me a text message or look at me a certain way or say something to me on skype, and every cell in my body burns to hug, kiss, attack him, or hold his hand.
I'm supposed to meet him for the first time in January. I'm a little bit scared, but I think it will go well. Please pray that it does, okay?

It's weird. I used to hate Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Romeo seemed so fickle, crying over Rosalind at the beginning of the play and then jumping into Juliet's soft, vulnerable, pubescent panties, but now I think I understand how he felt.
Hopefully Chris and I end up better than they did.

Anyway, I'll see you all at the wedding. XD

Got some pretty awesome gifts for Christmas, the best of which is a Nook. I also got a miniature, USB-powered lamp for my labtop, a panda hat, ugg boots, a shirt, some carpet pants, jammies, and that was pretty much it. The real gift was getting to see my relatives and eating hella delicious food.

My brother made home-made macaroni, my mom made potato casserole, and my whole family brought cookies.

How was your guys' Christmases?
ily
~Belinda
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