Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas, everyone. Wherever you are, I hope you're warm and happy and surrounded by people who care about you!
*hugs*

Buuuuut, just in case you're not, have some Christmas sardonic feels:


Annnnd in case you don't like Fallout Boy:

^This was always my favorite Christmas instrumental song. (Not necessarily my favorite version, but shmeh.)

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, December 23, 2012

In case you all decide to come back to life, any time this century (besides you, Corn. I guess you're only moderately comatose) Chris and I are officially dating. I love him. But I'm scared shitless that I'm going to jinx it by talking about it, so I'm going to shut up until further notice.

Yes, Margaret and I are friends again. It was weird. When we hung out, it was like we had never even fought. It was just like we'd taken a year long vacation from each other. On my end, it wasn't really awkward at all. I think a lot of why we fought was due to misunderstanding more than anything else. ITs really weird now that we;re friends again for me to think that there was a time when she didn't want anything less than what was best for me... Even with everything we said to each other during those fights, when I hang out with her now it's obvious that she loves me and I love her.

Holy crap... I'm video-chatting with Chris and he has some GIANT hands... 0.o

ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Are you all still alive? 0_o


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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Abandon your clothes,
Abandon all hope
Of redemption.
The mouth of my monster
Rages and rampages again,
At the beck and call of her sentinel,
My poor rabbit heart,
The wretched parasite
Feeding on any and every innocence she can find.

I, I never wanted to be this way
If need be, I’ll lock myself away,
Give God the key to throw away.
All I wanted was to live like a King
With you one day,
In love with lovers who could handle us.

I never meant to want to be your Queen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah. Am beginning to fuck everything up by being a woman and a romantic and developing a crush on my friend Chris. He likes me too, but the way everything is right now it would be a disaster if we pursued it, so I'm just going to give it time and hope that it fades.

Hanging out with Margaret helped a lot. She always brought me a lot of happiness whenever I was with her. Even while we were going through that weird spell with Josh, when I was actually in her presence, I always felt better. Its a lot easier to laugh at myself and everything else when she's there. There was no bitterness or anger or awkwardness either. It was almost like we had never been apart--or rather, like we'd just taken a long vacation from each other.
It was nice.

I hope you all are well and asleep at this unGodly hour. (2 AM)
I love you
~Belinda
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Monday, December 17, 2012

Starting to feel slightly better.

My crying fit only lasted about an hour or two today. Watched Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights on netflix. That definitely helped.

I'm scheduled to hang with Margaret tomorrow evening. You remember. We ripped each other's hearts out a couple years ago after 12 years of friendship because of misunderstandings and because of some boy who ended up leaving anyway?

Yeah, well, from what I can tell she's forgiven me and I've forgiven her, so... Yeah.

I've had this guy Chris in Illinois talking to me for a while. He's going through something similar, so we've kind of just been a distraction to each other.

He's not Josh. But Josh is gone. At this point, I doubt I'll ever see him again. Although I better because he owes me $290. '-__- Figures he dumps me AFTER I give him hundreds of dollars...

Whatever. I'll send a message to his mom on facebook about it if I have to. I don't know if it'll accomplish anything, but at least he'll have someone nagging him about it besides me.

My heart hasn't completely regenerated yet. I can't trust anyone with it yet. I'm not sure I want to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was on the phone with her when she made the first incision
Felt the knife slice,
Heard her flaps flip
--off—
And I knew the skin was gone.
A wince at the wound escaped her lips.
Then she sipped her w(h)ine and went
Right on talking about the Weather.
“Bella,” I said, “Bella, what you done?”
She laughed: “There’s so much pain, there’s no room for pleasure.”

When the paramedics got there,
They found her passed out, pants down,
Blood pooling around her hips
And what used to be her lips.

She said she’d been listening to the wrong mouth,
And she was tired of getting killed by triggers
From the south.

In the ambulance, she reached for me,
Whisper-screamed:
“Be my Midas,
Make me yours,
Make me gold.
Carry me in your pocket
Wherever you go.”

I wanted to.
Believe me, I always wanted to.
But I knew she wouldn’t fit
And I didn’t want to take
The piece she’d cut off for me,
So while she was sleeping in the surgery,
I held her hand and let God hold her heart.
I reached in and ripped off
A sliver of her pain,
Tied it around my waist,
And let myself turn emerald.

We are your wounds,
Your lost loves,
The ones who promised they’d never leave,
Then left.
No matter how much you try to slice us
Out of your hearts, mind, and skin,
We are still there because you loved us once.
And we loved you too.

I gave her hand one last squeeze,
Got my coat,
Turned to leave,
And asked God if in the future
Her weather might be better
And come to better ends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For some reason, cutting off genitalia has always been a motif of mine. XD Maybe I'll write something about cannibalism or anal rape next. Delightful as always, I know.

I love you
~Belinda
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Saturday, December 15, 2012

I'm so scared.

I don't want him to become a ghost. I don't want to be just one more pathetic, lingering ex.

I know there are people who care and I appreciate them all. But he was my first and my best friend and we told each other everything and now he's gone...

And honestly, I don't know who I am anymore. I've fallen back into the skin of a me I thought I've killed off long ago. I'm glad to see her, but at the same time terrified because I know what it means. It means I'm back to being the sexless,quirky, sarcastic, ironical girl with witty wordplay and broken insides who always makes everyone else laugh, but can't ever sustain happiness for herself... Just a crying clown.

In the end, though, I know the only way to true happiness is to be the me God created me to be. So that's what I will aim for.

I hope your holidays going a lot better than mine.
I love you
~Belinda
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Friday, December 14, 2012

Still alive. Not sure how.

I have fleeting moments of happiness, long stretches of despair, and occasional releases of unbridled, irrational rage in which I picture him coming over my house to give me my stuff back, me beating the living the shit out of him, and then the both of us watching British sitcoms together like best friends.

*siiiigh* If only.

Been talking to my friend Chris in Illinois. I've known him ever since myspace ruled the world (2005, 2006?).
Joshes friends are sympathetic, but not helpful... Well, except this chick Patch. She's the only one who doesn't shove cliches down my throat and basically try to brainwash me into negating our entire relationship together. She just shuts up and lets me cry and scream and holds my hand and whispers words of encouragement.

My little sisters, while I was crying in my room one day, wrote me a poem:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Josh is a stinkpot
Very unlike you!

Love, your awesome sisters who love you!

They drive me fcking insane, but... I love them. XD

Obviously it still hurts. It's going to hurt for a while. But if I'm still here, there must be a reason for it

If you've begun to pray for me, don't ever stop. If you haven't begun to, please do. And I will pray for you.

I love you
~Belinda
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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It helps to pretend he's dead. That he was taken from this Earth, that he didn't willingly throw me away like a used tissue. Not that I would feel any better if he were dead, but... *sigh*

I just can't believe I'm still alive. I cannot begin to express the pain--the despair, the confusion, the fury, the futility--I've felt today, yesterday, and the day before. It feels like it's been a week already. It doesn't even stop when I sleep. My dreams are a horror movie.

I need drugs. I need to be committed. I'm losing my grip... Pray for me?
I love you
~Belinda
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Monday, December 10, 2012

I feel like shit.

Found out today all Josh and I can ever be is just friends for spiritual reasons--not religious, but spiritual. There's a huge difference, but I'm way too tired to explain right now.

THis time, though, I had friends to talk to and cheer me up. I do foresee a lot of crying though. Like, A LOT.

Please don't tell me how it's going to be hard and you don't ever completely get over your first love--believe me, I know. I knew that without ANYONE having to tell me.

Tell me how it's worth it. Tell me that all hope is not lost and I'll be okay one day--maybe even better than okay. I need hope. More than hope, I need prayers, I need grace. I need everything God has to offer.
ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, December 9, 2012

Tigercon was pretty awesome.Ended up going with my mom because my cousin's car broke down. Bought myself a scarf and a scarf to give my uncle for Christmas. Got to see a pretty decent Japanese rock band called Asterplace. Got hugs, autographs, T-shirt, Head-banger cramps, a hug from the bassist, the singer, and the drummer--overall, a very auspicious evening.

Then we went out and got some Lo Mein and garlic bread, went home, and watched Doc Martin til I passed out on the couch. :)
This is the band, btw:

Yeaaah. Except they had a different drama. I will post pictures as soon as I figure out how to upload them from my crappy camera phone. XD

And tomorrow starts finals week. *siiigh*
Frankly, even if I bomb everything, I've done way too good throughout the year to fail, so I'm very tempted to not even bother showing up, but unfortunately I must. Got two papers to turn in and a presentation to give. '-___-
Oy.

Hows your week been?
love you
~Belinda
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