Monday, January 28, 2008

THE CATALYST, CHAPT 16: OPPORTUNITY COST
Houston, we got mail. Send out the welcome wagon. Or better yet, a lit stick of dynamite. The traitor has landed.

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: HEY, WASSUP? WE NEED 2 TALK.

I shivered. When I asked about Cori on the night Gray and Watkins had questioned me, they said there weren’t any bodies found that matched my description. Meaning, Cori was still alive. But the following day her mom called. Apparently she hadn‘t come home that night or the rest of the day. Her parents were searching like mad for her all over, but nobody seemed to know where she was. There wasn’t a trace of her. Even her douche-bag of a step-brother was starting to worry.
I was about to reply "WHERE R U?" when I remembered what she had done 2 days ago, on Monday. My eyes narrowed angrily. This traitor didn't deserve my concern. I was nearly killed because of her. But before I could click the "exit" button on the IM window, another "ding" rang out from the speakers, this time much more pleading.

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: LOOK, I’M RLLY SRRY ABOUT MONDAY, BUT I DIDN’T NO DEY WUR GOING 2 JACK U UP DAT BADLY.THOUGHT DEY ONLY WANTED 2 TALK 2 U.

My stomach started to curdle. That was absolute bull. There was no way Cori would’ve believed that a gang of possible terrorists would infiltrate and stake out an entire high-school for hours just to meet me. She must’ve known there was something up.

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: B-SIDES, IF I DIDN’T LET DEM TAKE U, DEY WOULD’VE KILLED ME! I HAD NO CHOICE!

Hmmm… Better, but not good enough. Sorry, honey, you’re going to have to do better than that. Besides if she was really so desperate for atonement, she wouldn’t have waited an entire day and a half to apologize. Even if the Reapers had kidnapped her and kept her from communicating at all, she would’ve found a way if she wanted to. Hell, she might even have managed to escape and would probably be on her way back home by now. But she choose not to make up for it. She choose to stay. She choose not to regret it. Because it was probably her choice to leave in the first place. Matter of fact, I had probably been her ticket out. The next “ping” only confirmed this theory.

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: OK, FINE, DON’T REPLY BUT I ONLY DID IT CUZ IT WAS PART OF THE DEAL. DEY WUR OFFERING 2 MAKE ALL MY DREAMS COME TRU. U NO WUT IT’S LYK 2 HAV DREAMS… U CAN’T TELL ME U WOULDN’T SELL ME OUT 2 IF SOME1 COULD GIV U EVERYTHING U EVA WANTED

At this, my fingers slammed down onto the keys with almost as much force as that last statement sliced straight into my core.

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: THAT’S NOT TRUE. I WOULD FIND ANOTHER WAY. I’D NEVER STAB U IN THE BACK JUST BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID BRIBE.

VASHOUDASHI_YANK220: PSH! YEA, RIGHT. U NO U’D SELL ME OUT IN A HEART BEAT IF ANY1 OFFERED 2 MAKE MY STEP-BRO LIKE U FOR THE PRICE OF MY LIFE. DON’T LIE.

Hey, Mr. Director, could we get an instant reply of that, please?
“…IF ANY1 OFFERED 2 MAKE MY STEP-BRO LIKE U…”
Oh, snap!
She had broken the golden rule. She knew perfectly well that never, under any circumstances, was she EVER to bring up That Guy. (A.K.A. Her step-brother)
My eyes seared. My cheeks flared. That was it. She had crossed the line.

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: HELL NO!! >:P U KNOW I’M OVER HIM. HE’S SO 3 YEARS AGO.

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: BULLSHIT. I’VE SEEN THE WAY U LOOK AT HIM. DON’T DENY IT, U STILL LUV HIM. DAT’S THE ONLY REASON U STARTED HANGING WIT ME IN THE 1ST PLACE, RIGHT? CUZ DANNYKO WAS MY STEP-BROTHER.

CRACK. Another assault on my core. My eyes were now burning so intensely my vision was starting to blur. I was so damn pissed.

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: NOT TRUE!! I BEFRIENDED U BECAUSE I FELT SORRY FOR U!!! EVERYBODY HATED U AND U HAD NOBODY BUT YOUR CRAZY-ASS STONER FRIENDS. IT WAS ---ING PATHETIC.

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: YEAH, WELL, IF I WAS SO PATHETIC, THEN HOW CUM U WUR ALWAYS THE 1 BITCHING ALL THE TIME LYK A LI‘L 4-YEAR-OLD? “*SOB* CORI, MS. GRAYBEAL IS BEING MEAN 2 ME!!;~;” “CORI, KEELEY LOOKED AT ME WEIRD!!!” “CORI, MS. BENDER GAVE BE A B IN ALGEBRA WHEN I SHOULDA GOT AN A!!!” “*SOB* CORI, DANNYKO DOESN’T LOVE ME!!!” WELL, BOO FUCKING HOO

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: AT LEAST I DIDN’T PRACTICALLY EAT MYSELF INTO A HEART ATTACK EVERY TIME THE STUPIDEST LIL THING WENT WRONG LIKE A DAMN HUMAN VACCUUM, U FATASS

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: RIGHT, CUZ U WUR TOO BUSY VENTING THRU EMO POETRY. “ROSES R RED, VIOLETS R BLUE, DANNY WASN’T AT SCHOOL TODAY SO I THINK I’LL BREAK INTO HIS HOUSE AND STEAL HIS SHUES.” XP

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: AT LEAST I CAN SPELL SHOES, RETARD. ‘-__-

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: OH, SAVE IT FOR UR THERUPIST. U NO WUT, I’M GLAD I TURNED U OVER TO VASH. A WHINY LIL BITCH LYK U NEEDED A GOOD KICK IN THE PANTS. B-SIDES, UR SO FULL OF IT. THE ONLY REASON U EVA BOTHERED WIT ME IN THE 1ST PLACE WAS 2 GET 2 DANNY.

Actually, this was only half true. When I had befriended Cori, I had legitimately given up on Dannyko/That Guy. But for some reason, I was still drawn to his older step-sister. I suppose deep down I figured since I couldn’t have That Guy, I might as well have his sister. I never really expected anything to come out of it. Cori was simply the closest I could get. At first, she was just a consolation prize. But how was I supposed to know I would come to like Cori so much? How was I supposed to know I would get so attached? And how the hell was I supposed to know she would be so damn cool? But I couldn’t tell her that now. I was just too angry, too insecure. Too stupid.

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: WELL, IF I’M SUCH A HEARTLESS USER, THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU BEFRIEND ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Pause, pause, pause. Dot, dot, dot. An eternity of ellipsis’s. Then, 50 years later, a ping.

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: B-CUZ U WUR PRETTY.

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: ??? 0_o

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: NO. B-CUZ U WUR PRETTY N SKINNY N CUTE, N EVERYTHING I WASN’T/WANTED 2 BE. U WUR THE CLOSEST I COULD GET TO ACHIEVING MY DREAMS. SORRY, BELI-WA. U WUR JUST A CONSOLATION PRIZE IN A GAME I COULD NEVER WIN.

Oh, Gawd…. Everything made sense now. The constant spewing of compliments about my lean figure, the pressuring me to join every club she was in, the always borrowing of my clothes no matter how badly they fit her… She hadn’t been trying to help me live my life, she had been trying to live HER life through ME. She had just been trying to get over her own insecurities about her weight. She never cared about me. I was speechless.

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: OH MY GOD…

VASHOUDASHI_YANKI220: YEAH. I USED U JUST AS MUCH AS U USED ME. I GUESS THAT MAKES US EVEN.

This was the final blow.
I knew now by the lump in my throat and the tears streaming down my face that this was the end. The dawning of a new era. A cold, gray, sunless new era. An era without Cori. My love. My body-guard. My secretary of defense against boredom. My image consultant. My adviser. My stability. My best friend. My soul mate. All gone. “Good bye,” I choked out in a soft, frail voice that didn’t belong to me. This was so, so beyond miserable. I poised my mouse over the exit button of the IM window in preparation for my exit, before typing one final message.

SINCERELY_SARCASTIC: GOOD BYE, CORI-LA. I LOVE U.

Click. The window disappeared from my screen and left me with nothing but the “drip, drip, drip” of my tears and the cold, sour, sick feeling in my stomach. I logged off the computer and shut it down before any other IM’s could ping up. Then, I reached for a pad and a pencil. I needed to vent.

OPPORTUNITY COST IS OPPORTUNITY LOST by B.R. Sacko

MY EYES ARE RED,
MY TEARS ARE SEE-THROUGH,
HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU?
I TOOK MY CHANCES, YOU TOOK YOUR SHOT;
AND SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DISAPPEARANCE TELLS ME YOU HIT YOUR MARK.
AND EVEN THOUGH I’M OUT OF BULLETS, I’M STILL STUCK MISSING YOU.
WE ALL HEARD OPPORTUNITY KNOCK, BUT YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO TOOK THE SHOT.
(WHICH REMINDS ME, HAVE YOU GONE DEAF FROM ALL THE GUN-FIRE YET?)
WELL, YOU SOLD OUT AND I BOUGHT IT.
BUT WHENEVER THE TEARS STARTED TO SEAR, YOU WERE ALWAYS THE FIRST TO HEAR.
“TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE”?
YEAH, BUT IT FEELS TOO DAMN EARLY TO LET THIS DIE.
BUT YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE AND I MADE MY POINT AND IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE SWEET LIES DIED AND LEFT US WITH NOTHING BUT THIS GRAVE-STONE OF THE TRUTH.
SO, R.I.P., “HERE LIES ANOTHER SET OF LYRICAL LIES. OVER-ROMANTICIZED AND SHOT BACK DOWN TO EARTH BY AN OVER-ORGANIZED HOMICIDE.”
THEY SAID “THINK BIG.”
BUT IS THIS LITTLE TOWN NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?
BECAUSE THIS PAPER IS WAY TOO SMALL TO SPILL ALL MY GUTS TO.

“There is no such thing as love without pain.”-Mark Hart

“And you shudder at the thought, you’re everything I want. Because you’re everything I’m not.”-Taking Back Sunday, “Make Damn Sure”

"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the cleverness of the clever I will set aside."-First Letter of Paul to Corinthians

“Yet we do speak wisdom among those who are mature, [who consider themselves clever enough to contradict us.] But it is a wisdom, however, not of this age, [not of this culture,] not of the current rulers who are gradually dying [and the influence of whom is waning.] We speak God’s wisdom in a mystery, [the meaning hidden in a puzzle worth solving,] the concealed wisdom which God has predestined before the ages to our glory. The wisdom which none of the rulers of this era understood; for if they had, Christ would not have been crucified by them. But just as it is written: ‘Things which eyes have not seen and ears have not heard, and which have not entered the hearts of humanity. This is what God has prepared for those who love Him.’”- Second Letter of Paul to Corinthians

Comments (1)