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Vitals
Birthday • 1993-05-02 Gender •
Female Location • Here Member Since • 2005-05-30 Occupation • Life preserver :) Real Name • Belina
Personal
Achievements • http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said Anime Fan Since • Ever since Pokemon Favorite Anime • I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3 Goals • Make it out of here in one piece Hobbies • Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown Talents • :)
myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X
Sunday, September 28, 2008
stab my back
chfjfghvhfj...
I feel sick. Sooo very sick.
It's my own fault though. The only thing more determined to kill me than my own body is my expectations. I know, there are so many people out there who are way worse off than I am (about 60 percent of my friends included) and I really, REALLY shouldn't be complaining about something so stupid as this, but with all these let-downs, is it really any wonder that I have so few ambitions? Is it really any wonder that I barely even try anymore? That I'm so lacking in motivation?
I remember one day when my mom just yelled at me, completely out of the blue for I can't even remember what, then the very next day cornered me and apologized with a tentative: "I'm sorry, I just... I want you to want something. I'm sick and tired of watching you carelessly coast along in life. You never go after anything. You just... You don't seem to care."
Yeah. She thinks I'm too indifferent.
But, actually, it's just the opposite. Some days I could just literally break down in tears from how much I care.
And, just to preserve my reputation for never being able to stay on topic, the kids at my school call me weird. But, at the end of the day, I'm really not that different from everybody else. I want what everybody else wants. I want to be wanted, I want to be accepted, I want to be respected, I want to be understood. I'm just not willing to conform to everybody's expectations and standards in order to attain it all.
And, getting back to my original point, yes, I always act like I'm auditioning for the part of the dictionary definition of "apathetic" in the school play, but that's only because I'm used to it. I'm used to getting mocked, used to getting dirty looks from the socially accepted, used to being called a whackjob behind my back and to my face, used to getting ignored. It's not that I don't care, it's not that it doesn't hurt, it's just what I'm accustomed to. It's just how it is.
But the bottom line is, I care. What my mother doesn't realize is, the problem isn't that I'm too apathetic, it's that I'm not apathetic enough about everything that doesn't matter.
She wants me to care about my future, about my career, about collage, but about 65 percent of the time, I'd much rather worry myself to death over stupid shit like all the dirty looks I keeping getting in the hall-ways or the rumor going around myspace that I'm gay or the fact that it took my ex-boyfriend less than 4 days to get over me and fall completely in love with somebody else.
I'm sorry, I know I sound like a total basket case right now and I'm probably having you all worry for nothing, but... I just feel so vulnerable and insecure right now. Like I'm going to burst into a million pieces any second.
But, well, the point is, ladies and gentlemen: No. I'm not ofuckingkay. NOW, WORRY ABOUT ME, DAMMIT!!!
Lyrics:
Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin
(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now
Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love
I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)
You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
We could take our heads off
stay in bed just make love that's all
Just stay with me now
I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)
In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes
Comments
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stab my back