myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1993-05-02
Gender
• Female
Location
• Here
Member Since
• 2005-05-30
Occupation
• Life preserver :)
Real Name
• Belina

Personal

Achievements
• http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said
Anime Fan Since
• Ever since Pokemon
Favorite Anime
• I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3
Goals
• Make it out of here in one piece
Hobbies
• Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown
Talents
• :)

myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I have the sneaking suspicion that today is gonna suck. '-___-

Ahhhhhhhh, sleep. bleh.

It's all cloudy and gray and wet outside. There's nothing to do and nowhere to go except homework and my room and I'm already bored to tears.
Luckily, there's supposed to be a new Shane Dawson video out today and the VMA's are gonna be on tonight. Other than that... Nada.
Frankly, I'm surprised I've made it this far in the day.

Yesterday was a surprisingly good day. I finally realized that all the things I've been hating myself and blaming myself for in the past few years or so--The whole Dan thing, the Mike Reagan thing, and the stupidity with Shaun--is not my fault. None of it is.
Sure, I acted like an idiot in ninth and tenth grade towards Dan but it was only because I didn't no any better and there is no excuse for the hostility he treated me with.
Sure, things between me and Shaun are shitty and they probably always will be, but they would probably be a lot better if he would just leave me alone. I handled it the best way I possibly could and now whatever happens between us is on him.
And, sure, I like Mike Reagan to a point where it hurts and he'll never like me back, but that's because he's confused and conflicted and not even sure if he likes girls, not because he doesn't like me personally.

In short, I repeat: IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
And I'm going to keep repeating it like a mantra until I'm totally convinced because I know deep down that it's true and that I'll never be able to forgive anybody if I don't first forgive myself.
Besides, I need to grow, and all these issues are impeding me from doing so.

I know the world--well, The Devil actually--is going to keep throwing obstacles like the aforementioned conflicts in my path for this reason because the Devil doesn't want me or God to win or be happy, but I'll keep fighting against those obstacles. No matter what anybody says or does, it's not my fault. It's not my fault.
ily
~Belinda
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