myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1993-05-02
Gender
• Female
Location
• Here
Member Since
• 2005-05-30
Occupation
• Life preserver :)
Real Name
• Belina

Personal

Achievements
• http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said
Anime Fan Since
• Ever since Pokemon
Favorite Anime
• I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3
Goals
• Make it out of here in one piece
Hobbies
• Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown
Talents
• :)

myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Didn't go to school today.
Had a really bad panic attack in the morning. My mind was racing so fast it felt like it was going to rupture, my heart was beating so hard that I almost couldn't breath, and my lungs felt like they were about to collapse.

Then, for whatever reason, I started thinking of babies. Specifically, my future ones. As I thought more and more about it, I fell more and more in love with the idea until I was crying tears of joy and writing a passionate love letter to my future first born.

Yup. :/ Just your typical morning.

After I told my mom about it, she tried to persuade me to go to school, but I was too exhausted and too afraid I might have another panic attack once I got to school.

So instead she called my shrink, who was too busy to talk to me at the time and still has yet to call us back.

At this point, I'm just resting in the aftermath of it all. I don't know why, but my bones feel like they've been stretched to their limit. My body feels so heavy and bloated and I've barely eaten anything all day.

That's probably just the ADHD medication though. I took a higher dose than I usually do because I'm all out of my normal meds.

Ugh... I feel so weird. So lethargic and detached and... floating.

Anyway, there's no point in going to school at this point. I'm too drained and exhausted to do anything. I've never felt so skeletal.

Still, I'm kind of glad this happened. I have a reason to live now, a reason to become a better person. My baby.

The truth is, I've been looking at this love thing all wrong. It's not about fun or hearts or slow motion or sex. It's about sacrifice.
In life and in love, you get what you give. Maybe not always in the way you expect, but then again things seldom happen the way you expect them to.
But people--including me--are always afraid to be the first ones to give. Always afraid to take the risk. But if there's no risk then there's no love.

Anyway, I'm not ready yet and I know it better than anybody, but I hope I will be one day.

All I want to become right now is the best mom my future kid could ever hope for, just like my mom is to me. It'll take a whole slew of miracles, an endless supply of patience, and a lot of time, but my kid's worth it.

Ugh. XD I feel so weird talking about it. Ahhh, I'm so weird.

Pardon my cheese.
ily
~Belinda

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