myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1993-05-02
Gender
• Female
Location
• Here
Member Since
• 2005-05-30
Occupation
• Life preserver :)
Real Name
• Belina

Personal

Achievements
• http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said
Anime Fan Since
• Ever since Pokemon
Favorite Anime
• I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3
Goals
• Make it out of here in one piece
Hobbies
• Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown
Talents
• :)

myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Therapy Assignment
Just got out of an appointment with my shrink. She told me to write myself a letter about who and how I am now and read it in a year or so. I decided to do it here because I pretty much grew up here and so it's always been my window to the past and I don't see why that should stop.
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Dear Self,

If you're reading this, that means you survived. Congratulations. For us drama queens that's always been a lot easier said than done. Well, maybe drama queens not the right word. Nobody else has ever described me that way and I don't think they ever will. Yes, I'm dramatic. Probably always will be, but I would never call myself a queen... not now I wouldn't anyway. Queen implies domination and control and sophistication. Right now, those aren't qualities I'd say are characteristic of me. No, they're more like coping tools--almost like a split personality I adopt whenever I have to do something I really don't want to. (See? Told you I'm over-dramatic.)

I took the focalin today so I'm kind of stuck in performer mode. I'm not usually this show-offy or composed... Much more sporadic. I wouldn't say neurotic.

But yes: definitely not a drama queen. More of a paranoid, weird, crazy kid. Are you still a paranoid, weird, crazy kid? Or have you matured into a paranoid, weird, crazy adult? Whatever you are now, I desperately hope you're not boring. Or ostentatious. Or complacent. Or rigid. Those are some of the worst things you could be. But honestly it's okay if you're unknown. I've always been deathly afraid of growing up to be a "nobody" but I think parts of me are allergic to fame (although recognition would be nice.)

ANYWAY. Your boyfriend of the time I'm writing this (I won't say names because you probably grew into something beautiful and glorious completely incompatible with him as is our habit) insists that you torture yourself but I don't think so. The majority of me thinks he's not trying to make you feel weak either, though. Logically, I think he's just a man and therefore just doesn't understand that sometimes it's okay and even healthy to cry and even when it's not poking at and dragging you to your favorite store isn't always the answer.

I know you have a tendency to suspect the worst in people and if not people than yourself but no matter what happens you are not broken or defective or tainted in any way and not everybody thinks or will think you are despite those few or many who do.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is its not your fault. I often have trouble believing that and I'll probably struggle with it for quite a long while but I hope by the time you read this you have learned to accept it once and for all.

My schedule mostly revolves around above mentioned boyfriend. Sometimes he's my soul mate, sometimes he's just another stepping stone.

I go back and forth between hating and sympathizing with his parents.

I'm about to go to college in a month. Right now, I expect nothing but that'll probably change in a day or so. I think I'll survive and probably more than survive just a smidgen.

Anyway, I'm starving so I'm going to binge on eggs and cheese and bacon and whatever other heart attack-inducing carbs I can find in the fringe.
Love,
~Belinda
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