myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1993-05-02
Gender
• Female
Location
• Here
Member Since
• 2005-05-30
Occupation
• Life preserver :)
Real Name
• Belina

Personal

Achievements
• http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said
Anime Fan Since
• Ever since Pokemon
Favorite Anime
• I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3
Goals
• Make it out of here in one piece
Hobbies
• Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown
Talents
• :)

myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

This was the picture we got drawn of us at that anime convention we went to a couple weeks ago.

And I don't know. It's more of a religious thing than anything. I don't really care if I'm still "innocent" or not because virginity and innocence are not always synonymous--in fact, I can only think of a few instances where they are. For example, a typical four-year-old kid normally doesn't know what sex is and has never had it and is therefore both virginal and innocent. In most cases, however, if you know what sex is and have thought about having it, no matter how much of a virgin you are, you still aren't really the epitome of innocence. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, the mind loses it's virginity a lot earlier than the body does, and unless your mind and body are both "virgins," you are not the quintessential, stereotypical virgin every mother wants her daughter to be until marriage. Does that make any sense? I hope so.

The point is, my mind lost it's virginity when I was ten. I haven't really been "innocent" in the sexual sense in about eight years, so I'm not worried about my innocence now that I slept with someone a week or so ago. What I am worried about now is my relationship with God. Like, is He pissed at me? Does His love for me still outweigh His hatred for my sins? And even if it does, what will I do now? Now that I've started having sex, I don't know if I can stop and premarital sex is obviously a sin, so even if I go to confession for it, what's the point if I'm just going to end up doing it again? Do I just keep doing it and going to confession after in a virtually eternal cycle? Do I risk poisoning a healthy relationship with my future husband for the sake of the integrity of my relationship with God? Do I distance myself from God and love Him from afar while continuing to sleep with my boyfriend? I don't know. I mean, I obviously can't live without God. I've tried, and I was suicidal within an hour. Then again, I really don't want to live without Josh.

I don't know. I just wish I could sleep with my boyfriend without feeling like I'm spitting in God's face.

I gotta go eat lunch now. Got my math final to take today. :P Pray for me?
ily
~Belinda
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