myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1993-05-02
Gender
• Female
Location
• Here
Member Since
• 2005-05-30
Occupation
• Life preserver :)
Real Name
• Belina

Personal

Achievements
• http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said
Anime Fan Since
• Ever since Pokemon
Favorite Anime
• I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3
Goals
• Make it out of here in one piece
Hobbies
• Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown
Talents
• :)

myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

Monday, April 16, 2012

It seems we're all having mother issues/surprises right now... XD

I'm slowly beginning to realize that not only am I not my mother, I don't want to be my mother. Sure, I'd love to be like her in terms of compassion and strength and optimism, but she's so very not me. So very practical and 1950s and empirical and fragile and her taste in clothes is TERRIBLE.

It's getting easier and easier to disappoint her. Not in huge, heart-breaking, "I hate you" ways, but in little ways like not changing my shirt when she says I should or simply disagreeing with a piece of advice she gives me.

I still love her, I just... don't worship her anymore. Which is healthier, I guess. It just makes it harder or at least more complicated to live with her. She keeps treating me like her baby, expecting me to keep doing my part in the whole mother-daughter courtship dance: always acting in ways that would please her or gain her approval. Her approval just doesn't matter as much to me anymore. I can't help but be nervous about her reaction upon realizing that because like I said I still care. I don't want to hurt her.

But I don't want our relationship to keep resembling that of Margaret's and mine before we broke up. There was this strain, this forced smile, this continuous, failed effort to please one another. It was just painful and ultimately not worth the effort.

ANYWAY. I'm working on a health paper right now. Might go for a walk for a little bit because I'm kinda stuck and it's really nice out.
ily
~Belinda
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