myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1993-05-02
Gender
• Female
Location
• Here
Member Since
• 2005-05-30
Occupation
• Life preserver :)
Real Name
• Belina

Personal

Achievements
• http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said
Anime Fan Since
• Ever since Pokemon
Favorite Anime
• I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3
Goals
• Make it out of here in one piece
Hobbies
• Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown
Talents
• :)

myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Put your penis away, Chris!
They left us for delusions.
Lets leave this loneliness for each other.
Consumate our mutual craze
over cyber space
100 miles away, 12 hours apart:
I'm open wide for your airbourne heart.
Speak to me:
id, ego, and super egomaniac.
So, mother, so, brother, what if sanity doesn't prove satisfactory?
So, lad, so, dad, what if when I pick up the pieces they don't fit back together like they used to?
I am, he is, we are a whole new bleeding, breathing masterpiece.
Don't blame me if you cant see the healing for the scars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I scare myself with how happy I get sometimes. I think that's what's really been holding me back all these years: Fear.
I always wanted to protect myself from getting hurt, from having my dreams crushed, my heart broken. But the thing is you can't protect yourself from pain without also protecting yourself from happiness. That's true of everything. The higher the risk, the bigger the pay out.

My favorite thing about Chris is even with everyone sitting around telling me I'm crazy and to find someone closer or simply simpering at me patronizingly when I babble at them about Chris for hours, I don't doubt him a third as much as I doubted any of the other guys. Him, I just know things will work out. Certain things he says are like the voice of God saying, "This is it, Belinda. He's the one."

For example, we were having this one conversation tonight about our constant struggle to take things slow sexually, and he said something along the lines of "The main reason I don't want to go too far with you is because I don't want you to feel like you're endangering your relationship with God because I know how much that means to you."

I almost kissed my computer screen.

As you all recall (or should) the entire time I was having sex with Josh, I was going through complete hellish spiritual turmoil. He cared--but he never once cared enough to stop. It was always me who had to try to bring up the subject of sexual fasting. He would respect my wishes, but any time I showed the slightest bit of interest or the faintest struggle with temptation, he went down and dragged me down with him. He never took an active role in resisting me even though I'm quite positive he knew that's what I needed.

But Chris isn't even a Christian--he just recently started believing in God, actually--and he still understood how much God means to me. He put me before himself in a way Josh never did.

Before you all panic, I haven't just been sitting at my computer talking to him all week. One of the most important lessons I learned from the whole Josh ordeal was that it is essential to have a life outside of your relationship. I've been hanging out with Margaret, trying to get together with my friend Erika, practicing for the driving test--as a matter of fact, today I just took it and failed it for the very first time. Wheee! :D

I'ma go shower now. :P Night, everyone.
I love you
~Belinda
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