myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1993-05-02
Gender
• Female
Location
• Here
Member Since
• 2005-05-30
Occupation
• Life preserver :)
Real Name
• Belina

Personal

Achievements
• http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb281/Soul_Resistance/Untitled.jpg... Nuff said
Anime Fan Since
• Ever since Pokemon
Favorite Anime
• I'm not that obsessed anymore, to be honest. Mostly just Kare Kano, Ceres, Furuba, Ouran Highschool Hostclub, FMA, and, of course, ShinChan. X3
Goals
• Make it out of here in one piece
Hobbies
• Paranoia, mood swings, and the occasional emotional meltdown
Talents
• :)

myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

Monday, June 1, 2020

i can't tall you nothin...
Thank every God for this crazy website and all the crazy kids who ever clicked through it. It makes me feel like the past 15 years were all a dream and there's still time to say what I mean, to do what I love, to grow up on my own terms instead of holding all aching bones in for fear of being vulnerable. I was so scared for so long. I hated myself for loving so deeply and didn't let myself love as often. I don't even mean romantically. I mean in general.

If there's anything, anything at all, I have learned it's to be what you are. It's easier.
To be what you are and to let who you are change sometimes because it will---on the surface, anyway.

I still ache to talk to Stephanie, but I'm so grateful Emily, Cassie, and Jenny are still reachable.

I'm a fucking mess sometimes... (The bridge to "Drugs" by EDEN blasts between my ears eternally)

A hedonist returned to apologize for hurting my feelings. He said, at the end of the phone call, "Stay in contact." I didn't believe him, so I didn't. I made a deal with myself that if all I get from him is a heartfelt apology, then I'm happy. He contacts me 3 weeks later to ask how my week's going. I say "fine." Every voice in my head says not to text him back, that his intentions aren't pure, and I agree, but I'm like "Nah, I'm over this motherfucker. He ain't getting me in my feelings this time. We can just flirt. I know he's full of shit."
But I toe the line. I don't type more than 15 words to him. I don't send him any pictures of me. Still, we get to goofing off one day and I get vulnerable. I tell him about the time Dreamy Neighbor Boy called me "creepier than his dog" in high school and how that still fucks with me to this day. He says "fuck those people" and "sometimes the best way to get over traumas is to move through them." I say I don't want to get too attached. He says that's understandable, but then he gets to saying "I missed feeling sexual tension with you along with obviously talking to you" and for some ungodly reason I tell the truth: "I missed all that too."
And The Feels wash over me.

It's all over now. We wanted different things all along and I knew that. One thing I'll say about him is he's honest about what he wants. It's weird how we can have so many people around us and 9 times out of 10 choose the ones who are the least compatible.

But another thing I've learned is we choose. No matter how we feel or what's happening around us, we choose. We always have a choice.

What else?
The world is ending
and beginning
A ball of fire and earth drinking bodies. I want to say I can't believe we live in a time where someone can be throat-stomped to death for cashing a bad check or shot for jogging in a neighborhood, but I can. Situations like it have happened too many times. This country is still the same country that cries for freedom, but demands everyone else do the dishes, clean the bathroom, build the roads...

Stay praying. Stay loving.
It's the only way.

I don't know if anyone reads this or passes through anymore, but if you do, I hope you're well and I send you the love you can only find through the intimacy of early 2000s style blogs in 2020.
Namaste <3
~Belinda Rae
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