Sunday, February 18, 2007

   Hiatus
My mind is rolling, my fingers move- madness all of it-none of this can make sense, I feel I need to express it anyway,

incase there is no other time.

There are those of us that hate goodbyes or just don't care. I don't like goodbyes, I like the concept of 'cya later'.
My time has been best spent, through the best and through the worst, I can say I regret nothing because I feel 'what if's'

really do not matter when an event has already been done, these things are best reserved for the future. This is not an

absolute 'goodbye', however, it will be a mighty long one- no one knows. There are certain events occuring in my life

where it is making it hard for me to be in control, my body is tearing apart at the seams, eventually my mind will join this

slow destruction. There is so much I want to do yet I am very limited but I can't believe in these limits-yet they are there, I slowly begin to admit this. When that time has come when there is no one around when I might need help, I will never ask why. Why no one is around, I'll just accept it and deal as much as I could.

It has taken me six hours to even type my message. I am not asking for pity, sorrow, any of it, I was told that I owe

some explainations, maybe I do, maybe I don't. I do not know at this point. I can say, I've had happiness, all of the

motions of living, I've been there, done that. Some people know the story, some do not, some were told lies, some

believe the lies, some have no idea or don't care-that is fine.

Had this been three or four years ago, I wouldn't care at all to say anything, or explain much but the years have taught

me much, I began to understand certain things, the impressions of others, being moved by their emotions. There had

been many times where I had been told of others' first impressions of me, where I appear to be emotionless, cold or

that I try to act in such a manner, that it had been a strange inspiration to some or disgust to others. In the entirity of it, I

have feelings, emotions, urges, desires, sins, flaws. Not once had I claimed to be perfect, amazing, glorious or smart- I

have done very, very idiotic things in my life. I am human, I come with my best traits and hideous flaws. I have done many things, from the mundane to extremely 'out there'. I follow nature's path, my tolerance sways on 'common sense' methods, this is what had made me appear cold, evil, arrogant. I will say, if one had been ignorant, I wisely inform, if I don't know, I stay out of the matter. If one had been arrogant, I'd lash out if I knew better, myself. I'd been criticized often of my way of thinking, where I treat everyone equally- when it applies to gender.
I take the bad and the good, whatever relative stances there be, it is what I am. It

would be no surprise, what I hated in others I hated in myself. My expanse of hatred is immense, sadly, my hate was

what has sustained me for a long time, my hatred of failure, liars, betrayal,money, complainers.

Long ago, I felt that my body was no longer my own, I had lost it to certain events. I had found myself later on bit by bit, after much dangerous journies. I am at point now where I can not see myself, what I feel, my being, my humanity- must be the medication, I'm not sure- I am glad, I know my thoughts still.

I had not understood the drive that some people have had. Who is my mother? Father? Who am I? It never made sense until now, my identity has been thrown in every direction, twisted, pulled, distorted. Coming to the conclusion that I am Xaphan, I am me, I can only hold on to what I've told I am of what I needed to be. I am Xaphan. I am Xaphan. I am Xaphan. The lies would be my bane. So much to say, so much I can't tell. Things that must be left unsaid.

Derelict, comes to mind. Sometimes I can't see the present for what it is or the past, memories come to me

pretending to be dreams, I writhe when horror returns, I cry when joy appears. It is endless, I can't find the wounds

anymore but they are there. Oh how I've cried. I've caught myself being awestruck by agony, the lives of others, my

friends, those that have suffered more or continue to suffer. I think we were all ment to be happy. What is happiness?
That feeling of security, the feel of....

I have hopes, many, that I've been a good father, a brother, a good grandson, friend, lover. I pray that I have given my

children the basic concept of living, to learn how to think not what to think, that they can stand on their own two feet when

need be, to have a voice, to say no if they have to, to act- I wish these for my sisters, brothers, friends. The most placid

of hopes- they are the basis of life-- I feel. And to my lover- all that needed to be said had been said in the violent

passion. So much has been told yet so little known. I enjoy the enigma, there are questions and there will be no

answers. None.

I can't grasp my legacy, I can't think ahead, I lost my drive for impulse- sense, now, too much at risk to do such things. I look back into my life, through all the

madness-pain, terror I had been put through, I wonder often, why am I not a monster? Sometimes, I can feel that

monster. What makes monster, what is a monster? I can't describe this monster... Some might ask, or not, why not want to be a good son? I owe my

mother and father nothing, as the abyss they left me, the abyss I leave them. So many questions linger, they rise out of

the shadows. So seek out sin...

There had been times, where I tested death, again, my hatred sustained me- what unconvential salvation, I say. I know

I've hurt people. Again, death, I got tired of the living and I joined the silence, relishing in the lack of emotions, urges,

argument. What lies, the dead spoke, all ways, the physics of existence was all that need to be. What was, what is, what

will be---- they spoke. I think to myself now, I've held the body of a dead child. Walked that mile... Life...

Survive.

Much has been set in motion, in odd-frightening-sad ways but it has to be done,for survival and not only for myself-for

others. I know I will not be alone- I do not believe that one can truly be alone- but I could be deadly wrong.

Those that know- will know- to you I say
be strong, be brave, just do it- refuse to give in-sometimes diving in blind is better than not diving in at all
Survive- you must have the will. I've done my part. Sometimes there is no time for reason.

I am Xaphan and I am tired of this weird, random, incoherent, philosophical bullshit of mine.
This thing will win-eventually. I know this will tear certain people to pieces, this was of my undoing, I brought my loyalty and protection -- I made them a shell, I hope I've taught them how to use the shell without me in the background, it is my right now, to simply let go.

I'm not saying goodbye- just cya later and in my own time, I will come back.
AND until then, cya later chums, I love you all in the most hateful way. It might be too late for me, or not.

I also want it to be known, if my account (on any site) has activity, be aware that it is not me, I have given
permission to Teni and Nathan to keep any account of mine active. My hiatus will begin 2-20-07 and it will end until I state otherwise.
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Monday, July 17, 2006

   And they wonder why I don't post my art.
I was bored and decided to search on the yahoo engines "xaphiroth" just to see what I would get, I saw things I was familiar with, EXCEPT a result with a file name of Green_by_Xaphiroth. I've only submitted that piece on SheezyArt & DeviantArt, that piece was on someones photobucket- no, I'm not angry, just curious as to why?
I do not think I know this person..or that this person knows me...at least my name is still on the picture.
Whatever the case-- this only reassures me not to post my artwork on the internet.
I've been breathing normally these days, after a week of fevers and whatnot
when it happened it felt like someone was sitting on my chest or pressing down, I could just not get my chest to heave or my lungs to take air, it was horrible.


I was losing my mind without my children- seems the only insanity I can tolerate comes from them and only them. They know me well enough not to over-step and hound, they goddamn leave me alone to my devices. To be honest, it isn't like for days I stay away or want to be alone, just mere hours, not even 2!


I made friends at the hospital with only 2 members of staff, I couldn't tolerate the sheer 'getting to know you better' attitude, I just wanted IN -do your fucking job- AND GET ME OUT OF THIS SHIT HOLE. I'm not saying the place was horrible or dirty or bad, none at all- it is just my attitude, I hate being in helpless situations. It scared me as I knew when I was going to get angry I felt this jolt of sharp pain just rake up and down my core, my left side wanted to burn off my body. I missed my daughters sleeping on my chest. I've always liked that- heck I've done it myself, the sense of the heart and the breathing- it is very soothing. It hurts me knowing that I can no longer hold them that way. They have moved on...to their big brother of course and he gets dog piled, so I had a long talk with them that things change, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad and by all nine hells I am thankful my children are very understanding. I don't know where they got this sense of logic from at their young ages... I hope they don't grow up too fast- nothing wrong with being a child.


My mother hounds me over and over and I finally blew up on her (much to the agony vibrating around my ribcage), with absolute disownment (not a word), I've said countless times that I wish to be left ALONE, no, it just doesn't happen, must be karma...I don't understand why some of my family have this... thing that they THINK I owe them something.I stood up on my two feet at 16 and no I don't mean literally I WALKED THEN. Please, people, learn some metaphors.
I don't owe the world SHIT and the world doesn't owe me. I owe my children and a very few set of family and friends- that is it.

The heat from this laptop is comforting me.
I'm only typing this out and putting this out on a blog-- I'm bored, it doesn't bother me that people read this or not. This is just for me and I like to share as do many many many other people. The thing with me is.. if someone has a problem I don't mind listening, because when i needed someone to talk to I was set aside. I don't do that- with anyone.

I am not so selfish enough that just because it happened to me I'll force the same shit down someones throat, I like doing the opposite.

I may scream I want to be left alone- yes but I deserve a reason for the company and I welcome problems NOT casual chit-chat trying to get to know me-things which I am confronted with all the damn time.

I do not know, maybe I am crazy.

Here is to you, death, FUCK OFF.


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