Sunday, February 18, 2007

   Hiatus
My mind is rolling, my fingers move- madness all of it-none of this can make sense, I feel I need to express it anyway,

incase there is no other time.

There are those of us that hate goodbyes or just don't care. I don't like goodbyes, I like the concept of 'cya later'.
My time has been best spent, through the best and through the worst, I can say I regret nothing because I feel 'what if's'

really do not matter when an event has already been done, these things are best reserved for the future. This is not an

absolute 'goodbye', however, it will be a mighty long one- no one knows. There are certain events occuring in my life

where it is making it hard for me to be in control, my body is tearing apart at the seams, eventually my mind will join this

slow destruction. There is so much I want to do yet I am very limited but I can't believe in these limits-yet they are there, I slowly begin to admit this. When that time has come when there is no one around when I might need help, I will never ask why. Why no one is around, I'll just accept it and deal as much as I could.

It has taken me six hours to even type my message. I am not asking for pity, sorrow, any of it, I was told that I owe

some explainations, maybe I do, maybe I don't. I do not know at this point. I can say, I've had happiness, all of the

motions of living, I've been there, done that. Some people know the story, some do not, some were told lies, some

believe the lies, some have no idea or don't care-that is fine.

Had this been three or four years ago, I wouldn't care at all to say anything, or explain much but the years have taught

me much, I began to understand certain things, the impressions of others, being moved by their emotions. There had

been many times where I had been told of others' first impressions of me, where I appear to be emotionless, cold or

that I try to act in such a manner, that it had been a strange inspiration to some or disgust to others. In the entirity of it, I

have feelings, emotions, urges, desires, sins, flaws. Not once had I claimed to be perfect, amazing, glorious or smart- I

have done very, very idiotic things in my life. I am human, I come with my best traits and hideous flaws. I have done many things, from the mundane to extremely 'out there'. I follow nature's path, my tolerance sways on 'common sense' methods, this is what had made me appear cold, evil, arrogant. I will say, if one had been ignorant, I wisely inform, if I don't know, I stay out of the matter. If one had been arrogant, I'd lash out if I knew better, myself. I'd been criticized often of my way of thinking, where I treat everyone equally- when it applies to gender.
I take the bad and the good, whatever relative stances there be, it is what I am. It

would be no surprise, what I hated in others I hated in myself. My expanse of hatred is immense, sadly, my hate was

what has sustained me for a long time, my hatred of failure, liars, betrayal,money, complainers.

Long ago, I felt that my body was no longer my own, I had lost it to certain events. I had found myself later on bit by bit, after much dangerous journies. I am at point now where I can not see myself, what I feel, my being, my humanity- must be the medication, I'm not sure- I am glad, I know my thoughts still.

I had not understood the drive that some people have had. Who is my mother? Father? Who am I? It never made sense until now, my identity has been thrown in every direction, twisted, pulled, distorted. Coming to the conclusion that I am Xaphan, I am me, I can only hold on to what I've told I am of what I needed to be. I am Xaphan. I am Xaphan. I am Xaphan. The lies would be my bane. So much to say, so much I can't tell. Things that must be left unsaid.

Derelict, comes to mind. Sometimes I can't see the present for what it is or the past, memories come to me

pretending to be dreams, I writhe when horror returns, I cry when joy appears. It is endless, I can't find the wounds

anymore but they are there. Oh how I've cried. I've caught myself being awestruck by agony, the lives of others, my

friends, those that have suffered more or continue to suffer. I think we were all ment to be happy. What is happiness?
That feeling of security, the feel of....

I have hopes, many, that I've been a good father, a brother, a good grandson, friend, lover. I pray that I have given my

children the basic concept of living, to learn how to think not what to think, that they can stand on their own two feet when

need be, to have a voice, to say no if they have to, to act- I wish these for my sisters, brothers, friends. The most placid

of hopes- they are the basis of life-- I feel. And to my lover- all that needed to be said had been said in the violent

passion. So much has been told yet so little known. I enjoy the enigma, there are questions and there will be no

answers. None.

I can't grasp my legacy, I can't think ahead, I lost my drive for impulse- sense, now, too much at risk to do such things. I look back into my life, through all the

madness-pain, terror I had been put through, I wonder often, why am I not a monster? Sometimes, I can feel that

monster. What makes monster, what is a monster? I can't describe this monster... Some might ask, or not, why not want to be a good son? I owe my

mother and father nothing, as the abyss they left me, the abyss I leave them. So many questions linger, they rise out of

the shadows. So seek out sin...

There had been times, where I tested death, again, my hatred sustained me- what unconvential salvation, I say. I know

I've hurt people. Again, death, I got tired of the living and I joined the silence, relishing in the lack of emotions, urges,

argument. What lies, the dead spoke, all ways, the physics of existence was all that need to be. What was, what is, what

will be---- they spoke. I think to myself now, I've held the body of a dead child. Walked that mile... Life...

Survive.

Much has been set in motion, in odd-frightening-sad ways but it has to be done,for survival and not only for myself-for

others. I know I will not be alone- I do not believe that one can truly be alone- but I could be deadly wrong.

Those that know- will know- to you I say
be strong, be brave, just do it- refuse to give in-sometimes diving in blind is better than not diving in at all
Survive- you must have the will. I've done my part. Sometimes there is no time for reason.

I am Xaphan and I am tired of this weird, random, incoherent, philosophical bullshit of mine.
This thing will win-eventually. I know this will tear certain people to pieces, this was of my undoing, I brought my loyalty and protection -- I made them a shell, I hope I've taught them how to use the shell without me in the background, it is my right now, to simply let go.

I'm not saying goodbye- just cya later and in my own time, I will come back.
AND until then, cya later chums, I love you all in the most hateful way. It might be too late for me, or not.

I also want it to be known, if my account (on any site) has activity, be aware that it is not me, I have given
permission to Teni and Nathan to keep any account of mine active. My hiatus will begin 2-20-07 and it will end until I state otherwise.
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