Monday, July 17, 2006

   And they wonder why I don't post my art.
I was bored and decided to search on the yahoo engines "xaphiroth" just to see what I would get, I saw things I was familiar with, EXCEPT a result with a file name of Green_by_Xaphiroth. I've only submitted that piece on SheezyArt & DeviantArt, that piece was on someones photobucket- no, I'm not angry, just curious as to why?
I do not think I know this person..or that this person knows me...at least my name is still on the picture.
Whatever the case-- this only reassures me not to post my artwork on the internet.
I've been breathing normally these days, after a week of fevers and whatnot
when it happened it felt like someone was sitting on my chest or pressing down, I could just not get my chest to heave or my lungs to take air, it was horrible.


I was losing my mind without my children- seems the only insanity I can tolerate comes from them and only them. They know me well enough not to over-step and hound, they goddamn leave me alone to my devices. To be honest, it isn't like for days I stay away or want to be alone, just mere hours, not even 2!


I made friends at the hospital with only 2 members of staff, I couldn't tolerate the sheer 'getting to know you better' attitude, I just wanted IN -do your fucking job- AND GET ME OUT OF THIS SHIT HOLE. I'm not saying the place was horrible or dirty or bad, none at all- it is just my attitude, I hate being in helpless situations. It scared me as I knew when I was going to get angry I felt this jolt of sharp pain just rake up and down my core, my left side wanted to burn off my body. I missed my daughters sleeping on my chest. I've always liked that- heck I've done it myself, the sense of the heart and the breathing- it is very soothing. It hurts me knowing that I can no longer hold them that way. They have moved on...to their big brother of course and he gets dog piled, so I had a long talk with them that things change, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad and by all nine hells I am thankful my children are very understanding. I don't know where they got this sense of logic from at their young ages... I hope they don't grow up too fast- nothing wrong with being a child.


My mother hounds me over and over and I finally blew up on her (much to the agony vibrating around my ribcage), with absolute disownment (not a word), I've said countless times that I wish to be left ALONE, no, it just doesn't happen, must be karma...I don't understand why some of my family have this... thing that they THINK I owe them something.I stood up on my two feet at 16 and no I don't mean literally I WALKED THEN. Please, people, learn some metaphors.
I don't owe the world SHIT and the world doesn't owe me. I owe my children and a very few set of family and friends- that is it.

The heat from this laptop is comforting me.
I'm only typing this out and putting this out on a blog-- I'm bored, it doesn't bother me that people read this or not. This is just for me and I like to share as do many many many other people. The thing with me is.. if someone has a problem I don't mind listening, because when i needed someone to talk to I was set aside. I don't do that- with anyone.

I am not so selfish enough that just because it happened to me I'll force the same shit down someones throat, I like doing the opposite.

I may scream I want to be left alone- yes but I deserve a reason for the company and I welcome problems NOT casual chit-chat trying to get to know me-things which I am confronted with all the damn time.

I do not know, maybe I am crazy.

Here is to you, death, FUCK OFF.


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