Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Get Well Soon [October] 9/20/06
i escape into my world in my head, an empire i built from the ground up. i go to my graveyard garden to lay in my pretty box, touching playing with my scar's, going over my thoughts. there's two places that bring me solace, the ferris wheel by the sea and a building that over looks my wolrd.

when it snows, i ride the ferris wheel by the sea, breathless by grey skies. but when the sun gets ready to leave i go to the roof of the building and i watch it in all it's splendor. wishing to live in my world forever, only to be woken up by the voice's of doctors and nurses.

my eyes, staring at the white ceiling, listening to machines beeping off and on. doctors drawing precious blood, laying on white sheets, hooked up to tubes in this sullen hospital room. in my hospital gown, i'm decaying right in front of your eyes, watching the days go by on the clock.

soon i will return to my empire, no longer will i be under lock and key.
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Monday, February 25, 2008

Poison
this next poem that i wrote you can tell where i was coming from with it. i had a lot of doubts of religion and whatnot, people ask me and i tell them that i don't believe in god, they get upset but i'm just being honset. anyways, without further Adieu!

Poison [October] 12/2/07

i grieve for you, writher and weep. my soul is forsaken, it turns into shadow's, praying my tears will drown the world. do you see the girl sitting over there? slitting her wrsit's? releasing the poison into the air. struggling with hope, struggling with faith, struggling with my fall from grace?

i've lost touch with reality and i'm living in my fantasy of sleep, dreams and nightmares. my feeling's that i don't use, i keep in a shoe box. at night i dream of a love that doesn't exist in this world but the next, how i long dreaming of the sea, the warm shallow waves sweeping over me. the sea becomes more mesmeric, falling further away from the light's of the surface world.

the only thing i hear now is my slowing heartbeat, surrounded by this darkness, womblike, serene'. such a sweet surrender, if all my dreams were like this i would sleep forever.
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Saturday, February 23, 2008

First Poem Posted On The Beatnik Site! XD
okay so i'm going to post one of my poems and i was thumbing thru my book and trying to figure out which one i should post and i finally decided. oh yeah, don't mind my insult ninja, he's just cranky 'cause he hasn't had a nap >_<

"Arielle" [October] 9/9/06

Walking in the middle of the road, the winds are freezing and it's eerily deserted, my kind of night. dead leaves are rustling along the curb, like demons scratching at your window. i'm on my way to vist my daughter.

as i sit on the ground removing the leaves from her headstone, kissing her picture. her sweet round face, her innocent green eyes, beautiful brown hair. My Arielle. i kiss her headstone once more, "I'll see you later Baby" i can't go home 'cause i can still hear her laugh throughout the rooms and it hurts me.

sometimes i can still her her say "Mommy i love you" turning around " i love you too, baby" seeing no one there. i go to the playground to drown my sorrows on the merry-go-round, staring up at the stars, in my mind's eye i see myself walking and i see her little shadow walking alongside mine.

reaching out for my hand i take her small hand in mine and we wallk throughout the night. My Arielle.

i hope you guys enjoyed it, it's a little sad but it's one of my favorites! i shall post another one tomorrow if i can.
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Sunday, January 20, 2008

We Start To Drift..
the title is from a favorite song of mine from the band [Shipping News] it's awesome, i got it playing on my myspace page. anyway, i just want to thank you guys, my second family for being here for me, you guys don't know how much i appreciate all of you. i've been feeling a little better ever since yesterday.

i had to take care of something today as well. when i was sleeping yesterday afternoon, i got a text from Josh, saying "Been busy with work and school, sorry." i think it's just best that him and i just be friends 'cause sometimes i don't know what to think. i don't know if he's okay or if he's hurt and then he doesn't tell me.

i think it's best that i stay single for a while as well. the thing is i'm terrified of getting hurt but then again everyone else is too.

anyway, i finally made my new site, i will PM you guys. and if anyone has a myspace page i will be glad to add you ^_^
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Friday, January 18, 2008

And So It Ends..
i knew it was going to happen. i'm never good enough for anyone. i'm giving up on everything i can't do it anymore, i don't want to get hurt anymore [emotionally]. i'm not going to get close to anyone. when someone tells you that she's Bipolar that should at least be a fucking warning sign.

i'm going to get on the compy tonight, so i hope Britty will be on. i have this one chick friend off-line, i told her lastnight that i want to slit my throat, she said "your neck is too pretty to be cut, now snap out of it before i slap you" i told her not to slap me 'cause it might turn me on, Lol. she played her straight girl part, she just laughed. i've been listening to that song by Styx "come sail away" little things pop up and remind me of him, it just makes me feel worse. instead of deleting the site i'm just going to make another one and abandon this one.

her name is Sarah but i call her "Roxxi" she told me that i shouldn't be so hard on myself. nothing can snap me out of this damn depression. i told roxxi that Josh probably thinks i'm a slut or something, she said that i'm not a slut and that what i did to him wasn't a slutty move but i dunno. i kissed him on our first date.
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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Scared?.. Me Too Baby
well i'm thinking the worst about something. i'm worried about Josh. i haven't spoken to him in so long, today is the 11th day that him and i haven't talked. theres three things that i'm thinking ; 1. he's just plain and simple ignorning my calls or 2. he's REALLY busy. then theres my third guess, he's afraid he might get hurt. he should know that i would never hurt him in any shape or form, i would NEVER do such a thing.

either way i don't know what to think anymore. i talked to one of my very good friends lastnight about this (i'm not naming names)


i miss you guys sooooo very much! i miss battery operated, Duzell,FunkyArtMonkey, GothicDrawer, Miss Lemons, Bunnie,SergeantTickles, XbangXbangX, xXTristanXx and Zanthos Octavian. i went to add britty's Babygirl on my list. i hope i don't scare her away like i did Josh. i also found a friend of mine that i use to talk to lastyear, took me long enough Lol. my b-day is coming up soon and i have no one to spend it with but theres one person i know that will be hanging out with me and that's brittany. she's always there for me, just like i was always there for her when she needed me and i still am there for her.

i can't believe that i'm going to be turning 20 on the 25th of january, i'm getting old! Lol. i fixed my site & also a new pic, i hope you guys like it ^_^

Love you all XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
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Tuesday, January 1, 2008

'Sup
i haven't posted on TheO in so long, Sowwie guys. anyway hope you all have a good new years :]

i see that Tristan has posted i haven't seen or chated with you in so long sweetie, he's the little bro that i always wanted, i already have my little sistah, Brittany, Lmao XD

anyway, i will see if i can get back on later, love you all :]
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Saturday, November 24, 2007

Stabbed In The Back
well my thanksgiving was hell. one of my friends hates me because of a certain someone is back in town so he told me, he hates that he has to choose between friends so he's off with a certain bastard. the guy has been in town for some days and they just waited till the last mintue to tell me about this shit. scott told me that "the bastard" is flying back home on monday, scott doesn't like him so he's hanging out with me.

but i'm not even going to worry about it. the only ones that i can talk to is josh and scott, seth wants to hang out with henry and the other guy. i was going downtown to go to the building that i always go to but he followed me and he grabbed me and told me that he wish that i would have given it up to him then he started telling me that "i'm nothing" i told him if he didn't let me go that i was going to scream and get scott to hunt him down and kick his ass and he knows that scott will do it. he left and the last thing he said was "i just wanted to give you more of a scare, but this is the last time you'll see me" i walked home all messed up, my mascara was runny and i couldn't stop crying.

i got home and took a shower and waited for my call. when Josh called it felt real good to hear a friendly voice. but i'm just glad that, that's over, i don't have to worry about that anymore.

i've been listening to alot of classic rock music, don't really know why but i am. like one of my favorite songs from styx "Come Sail Away" and heres another one of my favorites it's the rolling stones "Wild Horses"




it's awesome. well i better go cause scott wants me to go watch his wife, his brother and some of his friends play video games.


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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Turkey Day! XD
hello my darlings. i missed you all. i just got done fixing up the christmas tree for my mom, she likes to be prepaired for christmas so she does it ahead of time. got the lights and the ornaments up. the christmas tree looks sexy, Lmao. i'm texting my two favorite boys right now and typing at the same time, i'm talking to my bestie alexander and his bf Josh.

my mom is giving me a break, she's not on my back like she usually is. but i'm doing good. i'm moving on emotionally about the break between me and the boy that his name starts with a "T". i've been hanging out with my same group of friends, seth, scott and henry. i've been talking to a friend of mine late at night, he makes me laugh alot. he's a really cool kid, i call him "San antonio Josh" Lol.

yesterday seth was wearing a shirt that said " i'd do myself" Lmfao! his girlfriend rachel got it for him, Lol. earlier this morning the guys and i went walking at the school running track drinking vodka in water bottles, Haha.

i hope all of you are doing well lovelies, and have a great thanksgiving.
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Friday, November 9, 2007

Shit Happens..
well it's been awhile since i came on otaku. a lot of things have happened. on monday my niece got a gash on her forehead and she got ten stitches, she's one of those kids that never walks but runs. then my mom went through my diary and found out that i was planning on hurting myself.

i was going to walk n front of traffic during rush hour when my mom was working. she got pissed off at me, yelling and crying and she said "your going to do this over a break-up? over a stupid boy?" and i corrected her, i told her that Tim isn't stupid and that it's actually i who is the stupid one.

she told me that once she gets paid she's going to save up and send me off to austin. i don't know anyone there except for my dad and i don't know where he lives.


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