Monday, January 5, 2009

Wishing i could help her
Hey everyone tis i greggers. how is everyone doing? i'm doing good but toby is not. she's going through a depression right now, she told me some things about patrick too. tobes saw him the other night and instantly she became melancholy. I've been hanging with october on the cell talking to her, trying to cheer her up but nothing is getting through. It's hard when you know the woman hasn't broken a smile in some time, and i mean a REAL smile and not a forced one. Tobey told me today that she's been getting a bad feeling lately, she said like something is going to happen. she doesn't know what it is though. she's been writing a lot too, this depression has given her a lot of inspiration. she told me that when patrick left her a part of her left with him, a part of her she knows that will never return to her. she told me he left her 'cause he's protecting her, tobey won't tell me from what but that is why they're not together. what hurts her the most is the last thing they told eatch other was 'i love you' and that he'd see her soon.

Tobes told me this over the phone today "you know what kills me the most greggy? is that no one knows what i'm going through. the pain, the hauntings everyday. when i say 'hauntings' i mean i can still hear patrick. i hear his laughs. hear his favorite songs every damn time i change the radio station. it's like he's all around me in some way or other. in my sleep is the only way i can see patrick. waking up is the worst part ever 'cause once i wake up he's not there anymore and that hurts me so much. everyday is a struggle for me to get out of bed, to get dressed. i can't tell no one this 'cause if i do i feel like i'm just fucking whining. i'm dieing everyday, slower and slower until one day i'm just going to be an empty shell. i can feel him thinking of me and i can feel his emotions at times and right now he's just as miserable as i'am. we bonded where we know what we're both feeling."

hearing tobes say things like that upsets me and i feel so damn helpless. tobes told me she feels she's bothering everyone, which is not true to me. she's going into hiding for a bit, she doesn't want anyone around her when she's like this. but she's fighting this fucking monster of a depression. she's become a fighter, she's a strong person, she just doesn't know it. before i go, she wanted me to change her song to another one that she listens to on repeat. well i'm going to go so i can call her and see how she's doing. i hope everyone has a goodnight.
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