Sunday, July 9, 2006

Pirate Sucktards
MAN!

I went to go see "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" yesterday, and you know what? It's barely got ANY plot to it whatsoever.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

Okay, so Will Turner (Orlando Bloom, a pretty good actor) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley, a pretty good actress) are thrown in jail for helping Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp, a really good actor) escape in the end of the last movie. Anyways, so Jack is off getting this picture of a key. And then blah blah blah, Bill Turner (Will's dad) ends up appearing amongst the rum of the Black Pearl, covered in sea stuff like Mussels and barnacles and kind of deformed. Apparently, Davey Jones (Who's like C'thulu with a mouth on the outside) captains the Flying Dutchman, and controls the Krakken.

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong but that's like saying that the greek god Zeus played poker with the norse god Oden and won the Ark of the Covenant, only to trade it for $20 with the Egyptian sun god Ra. Oh, and then Jack has to give Davey 100 souls to save his own. And Davey's crew is a bunch of guys who died and went down to the ocean and then got resurrected as a big horrible mutant army. The key is for this chest that holds Davey Jones' heart (Thus, the "Dead Man's Chest" part of the movie). All of Davey's crew members are all there on some sort of contract, and are like the crew to Davey for ever and ever... and ever. They pretty much hate him. But then they're going to go fight for him on land (Where Davey can't step on except for every 10 years, a fact that has no real use in the film), when they could just stay there with the heart, kill the heart, and then be free! But Norrington (Who's now an asshole drunkard) steals the heart from Jack's jar of dirt which he gets from this kinda classic hollywood-esque "voodoo" lady (As if there is such a thing) in this swamp. Norrington takes it back to an even BIGGER asshole, who originally wanted Jack's compass, which leads you to your heart's desire. The hell with that! The whole thing doesn't make sense, and in the end, Barbossa (No longer a zombie) is going to captain the crew, now Jack Sparrow-less (He willingly got eaten by the Krakken in an attempt to kill the thing), to go get Jack and the Black Pearl back. WhatEVER. The first film was by far the best. And the third? Well, they're almost done with it, and I am going to go see it to just find out what happens, and I really skipped a lot of the movie, but all in all, 2 out of 5 stars. Pretty lame.
Comments (2)