Thursday, May 26, 2005

I'm happy
my queen is happy, we are back to the way things were to begin with, I'm her loyal knight rather than her king though, which is might be better, it fullfills my romantic dream, My girlfreind is being great, I'm getting ticked at my freind's mother, simply from hearing what is going on, but it isn't affect my mood...
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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I guess I'm just meant to Fuck up
I admit to being in Love, I fuck up, someone hates me.

I admit to being insecure, I fuck up, someone hates me.

I admit I'm not defenseless, I fuck up, someone hates me.

I admit I'm afraid, I fuck up, someone hates me

Perhaps I should quit admitting things, perhaps then people won't hate me anymore, perhaps then I won't be in so much pain from those I care about, becuase they won't know...
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

(Mat-Joe Smoe)What is going on here
I'm like so totally screwed in the head, I have someone misinterpreting what I say(as he always does). Yesterday, I should have made it clear that I didn't mean he would intentionally hurt her, but just lose any control he may have and from there only the Gods know what...but no, He bitched at me about crossing the line and did not think of the possiblity, I did not think of the possibility of hurting her in anyway, and as I said yesterday, she was crying the next day. I've tried explaining myself to him, I know I didn't owe him one, but I thought that I would give him one anyway...
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Monday, May 23, 2005

interesting...
OK, everyone remember the post I made saturday.

Well, I can't get the words out of my head, and I've found how the love I spoke of, helps to prove my personal analogy true...and the crueler she is to me the more I love her, which baffles my mind, it should be me loving her less, but I guess it is why she is so cruel to me. I upset her with the words I use to about her boyfreind, but most of those were explaining what would happen, done out of self-defense, as well as the fact that I don't trust him. She cares for him as much as my heart yearns for her, and I can respect that, I wouldn't honestly know where his heart lies in reference to her, but that is not a statment of insult it is one based on observation, anytime I have spoken to him, or vice versa he is always to angry, and I fear that his anger may one day put her life in jeopardy, and with how protective of him she is. I would not be allowed to protect her in that time...I know he claims he will never hurt her-I honestly beleived I never would, then the next day I had her crying, it was unintentional, but it was my fualt- But I have seen people wrapped in anger, hurt everyone they cared about, it is not a pretty sight, and can be very straining on a relationship...I pray that things work out for her, and that he finds an outlet for his rage before he does something he will regret.

I Decided to add some Random Pictures Below











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Saturday, May 21, 2005

Love is like a Rose

Love is like a rose, its beauty tempts the to it.
its smell is sweeter that than any other smell.
But when you lean to touch its softness, it will cut you with its razor sharp thorns.

These are words written to me but my girlfreind...I agree with the analogy, and I agree with the words, I have been cut by the thorns before, the greatest feelings of love have left its thorns in my sides, many have dulled and just rest, but the freshest is the sharper than any has ever been. Many know which love I speak of, a love so strong in my heart that every thought of her pains my very existence knowing I am not the one meant to make her feel the way I want her to feel, and even more knowing I am the one who makes her feel the way I least want her to feel. Love is a cruel temptress who lures you in, strips you of every thing you have and leaves you naked to the world. Those are words of my own, what love strips you of is pride, diginity and your ability to be you, and once you feel as though you can not be without it, Love pushes you back out into the world without any of the things you had when going in.

Love is like a Rose


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Friday, May 20, 2005

Calm
I'm doing what I can to stay calm, Everything I've said I've been serious about, but I've changed my plan, I'm not going to leave him physically unprepared to care for kids when he gets older...I'm just going to warn him in the position to break his arm...his actions and speech will determine if the warning is over looked and his arm is still broken.
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Thursday, May 19, 2005

Slightly Better
Well, things are slightly better, She speaks to me again...but he is still an asshole who doesn't know what he is getting himself into with me...he doesn't realize, I can break his arm with one quick motion, all he has to do is punch me, again if he punches me I can do another thing, either ending in dislocationg his shoulder, or 50% chance I'll rip his arm off.
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Why?
I am so fucking confused...I try my best to what is right and I feel like I'm the bad guy for it...I have one guy bitching at me, about a bunch of shit simply becuase he blames me for ruining his life, I didn't do anything to him that wasn't already going to happen...I apollogize deeply for what ever I did, though unintentional I am sorry, and if he is blaming me for what I think he is, apparently I ain't do to much, becuase with everything that happens she keeps going back to him...not a problem, if he makes her happy, then that is good. but she is ignoring me...and I'm trying to find out why...but she won't speak to me and I'm not getting my freinds involved anymore...lemme reprhase, I'm going to try to keep my freinds out of it...
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Sorry People
I know for that past few days I had a theme up of somthing Depressing, I didn't put a final date on it, becuase I was proving to someone I'd do it...as much as I don't want to ,if she does die I will put it up permenantly, I honestly thought she was dead after a while, other wise it would have come down yesterday...
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Monday, May 16, 2005

Miserable
I hoped I was unable to feel this bad since Crystal and I got together, but I guess I'm always able to feel this way...
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