Monday, May 24, 2004

   Depression
Ok so today I found out that I have depression. I don't know what to do. I know for a fact I have it...well thats what the doctors say.
I don't want to tell people. It will just cause more problems and yet again it will be all my fault. My guidence dude keeps saying nothing is my fault I just have programed in my brain to think that. But thats a lie.
I mean because of me last year my boy friend killed himself. And yes I know that it is because of me he wrote it in his sucide letter. Yeah it said "Ash is mad at me there is nothing left to live for".
The sad part is when he killed himself I was on my way to his house to tell him I was sorry for getting mad but it was to late...
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Sunday, May 23, 2004

   Sleepy/B-day
Wow I am very sleepy. I did not get that much sleep last night. I kept waking up. My cat was jumping on me all night. Marcs alarm kept going off. So yeah I am so very tired. Oh well I will just listen to music and draw something and than I will be happy again. The music can keep me awake. Today is my older brother Jonathan's birthday. I hate when birthdays come. it seems like everyone puts on a act for it. He knows I hate him and I know he hates me this and my birthday are the only days we talk and we don't talk we just sing happy birthday. I hate this day!
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Saturday, May 22, 2004

   More Rain
Haha it is raining yet again. Than again whats new right because it has only been raining for about two fucken weeks now. Haha but I love the rain. It is the most wonder weather there is. I can relate to it in so many ways. I know that sounds kinda fucked, but I can. At least when it rains people leave you alone. I don't know its kinda weird. They get so tired in my "fmaily" when it rains. As for me I am more alive than ever. Not like there is a lot to live for right now. But Im not ganna kill myself. I welcome death with open arms, but I will not bring it upon myself. The only thing that I am really here for is my friends. I do not know what I would do without them. As long as you have one really good friend than life is worth living. No matter how much pain your "faimly" brings upon you. Hehe rain is so fucken awesome!..
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Friday, May 21, 2004

   Fucken Brothers
Ok so heres the thing I have depression. And I have yet to tell my family. So I am not taking anything for it and I know thats bad but I don't want to cause any more problems. I already screw everything up enough. My twin brother Kyle doesn't help it at all. He beats on me everyday and not like normal brothers I mean like hitting me with glass bottles and shit, he blames everything on me. To the point that I know its true. My older brother Jonathan just hates me. I don't really know why all I know is my "big brother" doesn't want anything to do with me. Marc tells me everyday how I screwed up his life and how Im such a slut and all this bull shit. So yeah I wish they would all stop, but they can't really...because its true....
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

   So fucken Happy
I just made my own user on my comp and now I can have whatever I want on it. Im so happy!
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Monday, May 17, 2004

   Wow
So today I was vert hyper.I think my name should be hyperchild lol Im j/k. But yeah I got stuck in the bus seat like 3 times today. One time it took about 15 mins to get me out. Lol and I only weigh 90 pounds, that shows you how small the seats are. Anyways I got really mad in the morning because I went to go get some pop corn and it got stuck in the candy thingy. It got stuck the same way as it did on thruseday and I didn't have school friday so that means thats the second time in a row. So I screamed oh my fucking god. And you could hear it eco it was so classic! Haha yeah it was a great day!
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Sunday, May 16, 2004

   Rainy
Yesterday was so hot out side. It was 93 depgrees out. Sometime at night we had this huge ass thunder storm. It was so awesome. I miss thunder storms. Well the only thing is that it is still raining and its been raining all night. It is not even thunder or lighting. So its just in the way...
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Saturday, May 15, 2004

   Happy Birthday!
Yeah so yesterday was my friend tias birthday! haha she is one of the people on my list in this website thing. I hope she had the best birthday ever hehe it was so much fun! I spent the night and everything.Yeah I just home...
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Friday, May 14, 2004

   What The Fuck
Yeah so I have aol right...Well not anymore. Yeah my so called "dad" deleted it when I was sleeping either this morning or this afternoon. I know for a fact aol had nothing to do with it. But because he is a fucking cock sucker like that he took it off again. Well the little cunt is in for it now. I am ganna redownload it and make it so he can't find it or for it to be see able. This draws that god damn fucking line he thinks he knows everything well he fucken dosen't and I am not going to him anymore. Cause you know what he can suck it! I know the aol is not what messed it up its the Lyco's search thing that did. FUCK HIM I HOPE HE FUCKING DIES!
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Wednesday, May 12, 2004

   Mommy I Don't Feel So Good
Yeah I have sick since like 2 in the morning and I am still. I can't eat cause once I do I throw it all up again...This fucken sucks.
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