Friday, September 21, 2007

Meow. Okay so the weekend will be nice. I have darvocet. hydrocodone. a liter of vodka. possibley valium. My life will be goooooood and void of caring :D I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating in school lately. AP History is just killing me. The past few times I've gone to school drunk I was hoping it would last until third period so i could last through the class without being upset. But sadly -- that doesn't work. I've tried dealing with her, I've even tried making myself like her and understand how she works so I can at least get by with a C. I so far would bet I have an F. i just don't know what to do anymore. Today I have an anxiety attack (result of my OCD) because there was a spot on the board the teacher hadn't erased. Then as I noticed that I noticed other little things that weren't even or "right" about the room and I started breathing really heavy and tapping things and wringing my hands (they're OCD rituals I have, for those who don't know). I scratched my arms and neck all up to the point of bleeding because I was trying not to have a panic attack and the only way to stop myself from doing the vocal rituals (they involve screaming...) is to distract myself. My arms and neck and chest were all raw and purple/red and numb. There were little specks of blood all over me. That little incident's made me think maybe I need zoloft again, if my OCD is getting this bad again, and since my classes this year are a lot more stressful, I don't know if I can deal on my own. But since my stomach started bleeding last time, and since my mom thinks the medication was the reason that happened -- she won't let me go back on sertraline (zoloft). She doesn't know that the reason my stomach was bleeding was due to the zoloft only because I had been drinking while taking it. But I can't tell her that so I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't keep freaking out like this in public, I was trying so hard not to let anyone notice. My 'ritual' things are very noticable and sometimes violent (i hyperventilate, slap things, shake, twitch very violently, etc.), and I don't want to be thought of as "the crazy sociopath" or something, because then I'll be sent to a counselor or a mental hospital or something. I'm not crazy. I'm not. I've thought about saying 'fuck it', and just throwing away my prior goals of good grades for college scholarships. I don't know. xXTOCXx

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Monday, September 17, 2007

So I took my valium the day before yesterday took a shot and a half of vodka and my life was NIIIIIIIICE for a good hour or two I was going to add a Darvocet but painkillers + alcohol = nono so maybe next weekend I'll take one if we can't get any booze, I dunno. I'd just go buy rolls but even on the discount I can get they're $17 and I don't have the money to be spilling out over ecstasy like that =/ I like being high better than being drunk, I've discovered. Drunk makes your body heavy, high makes me feel on top of the world. I'm not a "pothead"...frankly b/c i hate weed, it smells horrible and I dont' want to be a stupid hungry blob of weed-smelling flesh. I only say all this openly online? Becuase I know not a lot of people read it and those who do i dont fucking care :) going to school now bye xXTOCXx

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Saturday, September 15, 2007

current song :: Bring the Pain (ultra bass version)

since a lot of people don't know.... that's MSI. skinny boy second from the left is Jimmy (the one who kissed me) xDDDD Now you wanna know what kind of music they play? Well first hit that play button just above this post. That would be "Masturbates". Now. Here's the lyrics to another good song. Beat down. I donÃÕ want to be the one WhoÃÔ stuck with me when I whip my meat out Trapped in a room when I start to beat it I donÃÕ want to be the one WhoÃÔ touchin¡¦me when I whip my meat out Juggling my balls then a sucka gets a beat down Perverted, with a capitol P Convert it, into what you see Insert it, deep inside of me Deserted, it wonÃÕ happen to me Happen to me No, it will not happen to me! Doo doo do! You know I'm really horny, really horny wonÃÕ stop You know I'm really horny Oh, IÃÎ really horny, yo, I'm really horny,yo, I'm really horny You know I'm really horny, really horny won't stop You know I'm really horny Oh, IÃÎ really horny, yo, I'm really horny,yo, I'm really horny Excuse me I donÃÕ want to be the one WhoÃÔ stuck with me when I whip my meat out Trapped in a room when I start to beat it I donÃÕ want to be the one WhoÃÔ touchin¡¦me when I whip my meat out Juggling my balls then a sucka gets a beat down Pre-pre-pre-pre-Perverted So-so-so-so-so with it Pre-pre-pre-pre-Perverted So-so-so-so-so with it Perverted, with a capitol P Convert it, into what you see Insert it, deep inside of me Deserted, it wonÃÕ happen to me Happen to me No, it will not happen to me! Doo doo do! You know I'm really horny, really horny won't stop You know I'm really horny Oh, IÃÎ really horny, yo ,I'm really horny,yo, I'm really horny You know I'm really horny, really horny won't stop You know I'm really horny Oh, IÃÎ really horny, yo, I'm really horny,yo, I'm really horny You know IÃÎ really horny, really horny wonÃÕ stop! I donÃÕ want to be the one WhoÃÔ stuck with me when I whip my meat out Trapped in a room when I start to beat it I donÃÕ want to be the one WhoÃÔ touchin¡¦me when I whip my meat out Juggling my balls then a sucka gets a beat down I donÃÕ want to be the one WhoÃÔ stuck with me when I whip my meat out Trapped in a room when I start to beat it aaahahaha. I love them and they're disgusting/brilliant music XDDD They have such a sadistic hold on their audience though. It's really a powerful performance as long as you're not just looking at "OMG HARHAR THEY SAID PENIS 8DD" like an idiot. Meow. Welll Good news: Timmy is coming to visit me for christmas!!! my parents are letting him stay in my apartment...oddly enough O_____O I was shocked. But so happy that he doesn't have to pay for a lonely hotel room D: Bah. My "hiatus" isn't really anything more or less than my usual amount of activity on Myotaku, huh? I miss my anime otaku days sometimes. I didn't care about other things as much. XD My main concerns in life were Youko Kurama and snatching the newest Yu Yu Hakusho dvd. Sheesh D: good old days. oh god ew they're remaking One Missed Call into an American movie i saw the trailer it pretty much looks retarded beyond imagination. xXTOCXx

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Monday, September 10, 2007

So MSI concert was last night. twas niiiiiiiice. The two opening bands were...meh. One was local (called Glitter Dragon) and one was...some sort of joke. The lead singer of Orgy was their vocalist, but he was ridiculous. I mean holy hell...I was making fun of them the whole time. (I'm a bitch, what can I say?) I was there with about 12 other people that I knew xDDDD crazy. But Ahrahm and I were the only ones who stayed in the pit the entire time. It was painful. Like...BAD painful o__x When MSI finally came on, Ahrahm and I had made it to the front where the little gate was separating the stage from the pit. We were like "yayy front" but uhh...o_O somehow in the midst of the freaking insane mosh pit we got pushed to the center. It was dangerous, I've usually been up front at the concerts I've been to, so I never had to deal with crazy little "hardcore" dancer kids. I hate them. Ohhhh how I hate them. They just flail and literally TRY to knock you to your feet and/or jump on top of you. I was sweating so hard (is was gross XD). I had an off-the-shoulders shirt on and the only reason it STAYED on (it had been falling off all night since I got in the pit) was because it was so sweaty that it stuck to me.... ew. It was really hard to breathe, too. With all that body heat and B.O. and being crushed and whatnot. But despite lacking the ability to breathe, the concert was pretty DAMN amazing. MSI rocked, as I knew they would. Jimmy wore a white jacket that said "KISS ME $1" oh god he's amazing ROFL I forget the setlist, but Jimmy (vocalist, for those who arent' familiar) had us sing along with about every single song. He was funny as HELL, I swear that man is brilliant XD He was like "I'm too fucking lazy to sing this shit anymore..." and then he had the audience sing the first part of Faggot before he finally busted out with the lyrics. Bwahaha. As for the setlist, I remember... Dicks are For My Friends, Bitches, Faggot, Stupid Mother Fucker, Shut Me Up, I Hate Jimmy Page, Golden I, Bring the Pain (he sang it TOTALLY accapella except we all sang with him)...hmm that's all I remember. I swear there were a couple more I just can't think of them right now XDD They may have played Boomin and Molly but I'm really not sure. After the show I went out for a moment to get some air and try to find the other people I'd been separated from, but I ended up just coming back in and I, coincidentally, found them all, haha. Jimmy was up on stage giving people autographs (most of the audience had left HAHA too bad for you people ;P) So I went up there with Rachael and after a little bit of waiting to get through the little crowd I got up to him, pulled the last $3 of the night out of my pocket, and after taunting for a minute while he signed other things and messed with some people, I ended up getting his attention by shoving the wad of money in his pants 8D But it wouldnt go in b/c his pants were tight (HE IS SO SKINNY. FUCK. It always amazes me haha) He was like "Well just shove it in there" and he took it and shoved it deeper into his pants XD Before he got distracted again I said "Hey hey hey, I think I get a kiss for that, Jimmy." So he goes "Oh" and leaned in and...well gave me a kiss ._. he licked my mouth XDD It was...odd. To say in the least. But at least now I can say my first kiss (well to a boy anyway) was taken by Little Jimmy Urine. XD Priceless. He also signed Rachael's boobs (though she had a shirt on!) I wanted to get his auto. but I didn't have anything b/c my clothes wre mostly black except my checkered tights. It occured to me ONLY after I had left that I was wearing jean shorts underneath my skirt and that I could have taken them off and had him sign them. God knows he would have done it, too. He seemed to love the crazy shit people brought for him to sign. Some guy gave him one of those yellow "Caution: floor is wet" signs for the floor XDD ] HE SIGNED IT. And someone handed him a purple rubber duck, which he obsessed over for about 5 minutes and drew all over. Hahaaaa oh god. all in all: fucking amazing. xXTOCXx

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Sunday, September 9, 2007

im tipsy like whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa muahahaha on the phone with Timmy and he just bought beer?! wtf the dude didn't card him xDD lucky bastard we have vodka vodka owns beer alwayssss MEOW omg we took in this puppy that someone threw out of a car while they were DRIVING wtf bastards i hope they die the puppy is so cute she's a blue heeler my moms friend is coming to get her tomorrow ): i wish we could keep her xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, September 5, 2007

bored?

1)Basics His age: 19 How many months are you apart: birthday-wise -- about 3 months. How long have you been together: almost three months How Long did you know each other before you got together?: a month or so What physical features attracted you to him first?: his hair drew me in, he knows this too xD Eye color: black/brown Hair color: Which time? (naturally black though) Hair style: slightly wavy, semi-long (it's growing!) Normal Outfit: xD I love his little suit he wears to work, nyahahaha. How did you meet: he went to MTAC :3 2)RELATIONSHIP STUFF How serious is it: He's waiting for me to move in with him when I graduate o.o (slightly if not completely naïve, I know<3) Do your parents like him: Yes they do Do you trust him: With everything Would you share a toothbrush with him: HAHAHA he'd probably gag. Does he let you wear his pants: Dx are you joking, I'd never fit my fatass into his little asian-boy-sized pants!! Do you have a shirt of his that you sleep with? I want one ;3; Do you like the way he smells: x3 Can you picture having kids with him: ....uh, what? XDDD you have no idea how hard I'm laughing right now What bothers you the most about him: That he gets so easily upset over the strangest things, and that he doesn't really listen. He learns things the hard way. But to each his own, as long as he's safe I don't care :3 Does he have a temper: I've only heard him really angry (to the point of yelling) about twice, and it was scary. But other than that, nah. Are you happy to be with him: I smile just thinking about him Do you think you could do better: Depends on your definition. I don't believe in a "better" Does he embarrass you in public: xDD god he has the worst ideas, he likes to make me blush Does he smoke or do drugs?: yes and yes (not as many drugs as in the past, but still stuff like CCC or pot occasionally) Does he drink?: yes, it's our goal to get drunk together ;D 3)SOME OTHER STUFF Does he have any piercings?: I'm trying to persuade him to get his lip pierced. *has a super fetish for liprings* Does he have any scars that you know of?: Yes Is he a Party dude or Stay at home?: party, life is never boring Is he Outgoing or Shy?: depends on the atmosphere, mostly outgoing. He can strike up conversation with strangers all the time Does he love his mama?: aahh...he resents a lot of things she's done, and he gets mad at her a lot -- but he loves her anyway :) Would he hang out with you and YOUR friends?: Yeah, I don't see why not o_O Would he hang out with you and HER friends?: ...what? 4)DOES HE Sing?: pft, when is that boy not singing? He bursts into song more often than anyone I've ever met in my life. Call Other Girls?: Yeah, old friends and people with crushes on him xD he's such a tease to those poor girls. Wear boxers/briefs? BOXERS thank you god anyway. Like I said, mild hiatus for now I haven't much to say, after all. good day to you all!! xXTOCXx

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Bleh. So anyway...I'm really probably gonna delete this. Or just leave it on hiatus. I never use it and I only rant about stupid things. I have livejournal for that ;P so....if you want to keep in touch and whatever, Myspace is the best way. Or even Email or Livejournal. Come to think of it, I have facebook too... xDD yet another reason to not have to worry about myotaku. Jeez. Just ask! ;P xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

So remember this whole thing about being published? Well I've had the creeping suspicion, being as naturally paranoid as I am, that it was fake. I really did. But my parents and brother got all worked up and excited and kept telling me how "amazing" I was. I can't stand that, I really cant. I don't like compliments of that measure, no matter how good the intention. I don't even know how to take it when people say I look nice. So...I got caught up in being a little happy. Maybe I really had some sort of talent, right? Maybe this was something I could cling to for a while to remind myself I don't completely fail at life. But I just got another letter from them saying something about receiving an award for "outstanding achievement"....riiight. That raised my suspicions again. They keep solociting me for money. Money to buy the alleged "book" it was to be published in. Money to buy the alleged "CD" it was to be recorded on along with other "poems", and now they're trying to get me to pay them $170 to ship me "awards"... right. Sorry. I'm not that stupid. I just googled International Society of Poets, and did I find anything like an offcial website? No. Guess what I found. http://windpub.com/literary.scams/update.htm http://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/0/146/RipOff0146643.htm http://www.lincolntrudeau.homestead.com/poemconv.html I feel so humiliated, I'm serious. I'm almost too embarassed to tell my parents, but I have to because they wanted to buy the supposed "book" and were about to do it today... I can't let them do that, they'd find out anyway. I feel so stupid, I really do. I knew it wasn't anything good enough. Ugh I hate people... Now I'm just in a bitter mood. My own naïve idiocy has been taken advantage of. My lack of self esteem in the first place has been taken advantage of. And the worst part is...I let it happen. I'm not upset because I'm not getting published. I'm upset because they dared to send people like me these sorts of things, make them think they have finally been appreciated for something, and then shatter them completely. I'm so embarassed. xXTOCXx

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Saturday, August 18, 2007

Sooooo...Rachael, Amanda, Ahrahm, Suzanne and I all went to see Skinwalkers last night. It sucked, frankly. Graphics were horrible and it was predictable as hell. I was very disappointed and kind of felt guilty because it was my idea;; D: I'm sorry, you guuuyyss (even though they don't read this? bahaha) I just took a shower it was niiiice @A@ I haven't taken one in two days because I'm stupid and gross lmfao. And right after I got out Timmy called me on his first break at work, so I was talking to him while straightening my hair and ended up getting a steam burn on my face Dx Argh. YAY I'm so happy because I'm shallow xD but I found out he's planning on growing his hair long again and layering it. I about pissed myself. Do you guys have any idea how hot I think long, layered hair is? GOOD LORD. Just look at Shun from Akon13 in '02. That was boner. Yes, boner is now an adjective. Needless to say, by the time Timmy comes for Christmas to visit me, his hair will be really long, and he's gonna get jumped >D muahahahahaaaa~ After the movie last night we went to Steak and Shake because they wanted food I didn't order anything but I did pick at Ahrahm's, Rachael's, and Amanda's fries XD And I drank half of Ahrahm's milkshake because she didnt want it I'm a fat kid 8D; but it pissed me off...Mitch called Rachael and evidently Brandon was with him (Brandon is a "friend" who is really into drugs and was going to give Rachael the cocaine before another person got to her). He told Rachael I was a dumbass and a bitch because I told my mom that Rachael had done all that coke. Rachael stood up for me, though, I felt grateful D: Everyone's just like...mad at me for it. Timmy and my parents both keep telling me it was the best thing and I'm a good friend and not to worry about it, even Rachael said it. But I'm just sick of the looks I'm getting from people who found out what I did, and I feel like a nark. I didn't like tell her mother or anything, I didn't even intend for my mother to tell her mother, but it happened and now Rachael is not doing coke anymore. That's all I wanted and Rachael isn't upset, so why is everyone telling me I suck? I don't fucking get it. Even RACHAEL'S COUSIN told her she's stupid for not being pissed off at me. What, does he want to see his cousin die from an overdose or something??? Is he okay with her snorting shit? I mean...god maybe I am a loser I don't know. Bleh. Well anyway, Rachael is here (she spent the night) so I'm going to go ...play 8D wheee xXTOCXx

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Monday, August 13, 2007

I hope I did the right thing I told my mom that Rachael's getting hooked on coke that she's done 10 lines since Saturday (that's a LOT of fucking coke for someone who just started doing it SATURDAY NIGHT). She had 6 lines that night and 4 this morning before she DROVE TO SCHOOL. D: I'm so worried about her...my mom called her mom, told her not to tell Rachael I had said anything. Her mom already gives her random drug tests due to previous events, so she decided to give her a random one tonight and tell it was just another test.... God I'm worried. So much. I can't stop thinking I'm doing the wrong thing Please let this be the thing I'm supposed to do That's all I want Is for the people I care about to be safe xXTOCXx

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