Friday, February 23, 2007

So after a trip to the doctor yesterday, I've learned I have a viral case of laryngitis -_- hence -- I'm extremely contagious. And my mom is losing her voice now too....oops ¹¾¡¦; Yeah.....so....yeah. Nothing really...else to report..I guess ._. New layout, nothing special but I was feeling bored with pink xD And new song, one of my favorites from the new Dir album. I wanted to put 'namamekashiki ansoku, tamerai no hohoemi', the scoustic version, but fileden wasn't accepting it so i used "The Pledge" I think I used the acoustic version, I don't remember. I'll have to listen again. so...it's found right underneath that picture of me (ew), just hit play :) thats it... take care xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: I'm convinced my scale HATES me. I'm officially on a diet.

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

I stayed home sick today, I'm losing my voice and my tonsils are swollen...plus I have headaches but I think those are due to my allergies (sinuses). I talked to Yuki again yesterday :) We had a long argument that he was beautiful even though he thinks he's ugly. He's Spanish, it's in his genes to be good at flattering people -_- observe this little tidbit of the conv (he said this part in cute broken english, obviously, so I figure its safe to assume you can all read it XD) (i put the translation of the spanish in italics next to it): Yuki: yuky is ugly XD Me: estas extraño~ you're weird Me: xD Yuki: ugly U_U Me: pienso tu eres muy guapo >:0 I think you are very pretty Me: MUY GUAPO!!! XDDD very pretty!!! Me: pero ---- yo no bahaha. mi cara es grueso >=P but..I'm not. hahaha. My face is gross Me: tu cara es bonito your face is beautiful Me: okay? okay. Me: fin. lol end Yuki: you crazyU_ Yuki: you is blonde Me: xDD Yuki: blonde uis perfect Yuki: you skin ehite Yuki: white is perfect Yuki: you perfect Yuki: your eyes is blue Yuki: blue is love Me: bah. absurdo. nonsense. Me: pero gracias but thanks. Me: pero absurdo todavía but its still nonsense gah. I'm lame for giggling when that happened. I told him after about an hour and a half that I had to leave because I just felt too horrible to stay awake anymore. He was sweet. He asked what illness i had and I told him I probably had the flu. this was that part of our conv: Me: yes ;___; ahh tengo que dormir ~ muy enfermo, sento horrible D: Me: ;3; Yuki: que enfermedad tener? Me: D: no conoco....tal vez gripe Yuki: gripee Yuki: leche caliente con miel Me: tal vez, gracias sweetie~~<33 Me: voy a dormir ahora, buenas noches i love youu~ Me: hablamos otra vez pronto :B Me: 10000000000000000000000000 kisses xD Yuki: okki lobve youuuu Yuki: 1000 kissesss translation: Me: aahh I have to sleep. I feel horrible D: Yuki: what sickness do you have? Me: I don't know, maybe the flu D: Yuki: Fluuuu Yuki: hot milk with honey Me: Maybe...thanks sweetie<333 Me: I'm going to sleep now, good night I love you Me: We'll talk again soon Me: 10000000000000000000000000 kisses xD Yuki: okki lobve youuuu Yuki: 1000 kissesss he's a sweetheart :) but anyway....i felt like shit this morning and didnt wake up in time for school anyway, so mom made an appt. for me this afternoon at the doctor. I have to go to that now, in fact...so I'm sorry for filling this with random conversations @__@;; take care xXTOCXx

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Saturday, February 17, 2007

i wanna cut my hair off I'm sick of it... hmm... I'm so indecisive, I wish my face was thinner so i could have short hair if I wanted it ): stupid bone structure. I was just watching Thirteen, in fact the credits are still rolling. That movie always hits me hard. She's so young. I didn't know about half of those drugs and shit when I was that age. Hell, now I do, but I haven't been 13 for 3 years. That may not be a long period of time but it was certainly long enough to learn about all that stuff. I'm worried I'll lose my self control. I'm being pushed by a lot of people lately. I thought I was stronger than this but, I scared myself when I started to consider actually trying that hit of acid or taking E. My school is fucked up. Thankfully, I've been able to resist curiousity and temptation. But deep inside my mind I'm still thinking "what harm could it do to anyone else?" "If I do it once just to see, then I won't wanna do it anymore" "maybe I won't even like it that much" Yet I know I can't. I hate druggies. I hate them. I can't make the biggest mistake of my life just because a few gorgeous people want to see me high. I'm already addicted to cigarettes, but I am trying to quit and haven't had one in a month, about. And I drink. I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. The last thing I need to do is get my ass on anything that can get me into REAL trouble. I can't. I always hated those kind of decisions that people make. I have never wanted to use drugs. Ever. Am I that bored that my brain is trying to push me into satisfying that boredom with ANYTHING, reguardless of my health? Jesus christ what's wrong with me. I have a 45 minute drive with the kid trying to give me weed all the time (FYI -- I LOATHE pot. It's disgusting).) Granted I'll be with Megan and Amanda and Ahrahm, but I really don't wanna deal with his bitching. He gets MAD if I mention how much I hate drugs. Fucker. yeah im not in a bad or good mood really. Just felt like ranting. xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

my birthday....umm...yay?

:) I'm officially 16 but I don't really care xDDD I feel no different have no car sooo yeah ._.; oh well. AND DIR EN GREY IS IN CHICAGO RIGHT NOW DD: GODDAMNIT TO HELL GKNGKLNLKNFDLHKNGKNGLFD =3=;;; Miyavi is in Vegas this week and Hayato and Val (haha it's not shun, you have NO IDEA how relieved I am) are at Katsucon and Megacon this week. I love you Val, I really do, but if it had been Shun -- both me AND Kiku would have died. have a great V-day, I probably won't update tomorrow (i rarely update these days...) :] xXTOCXx (I'm gonna start doing this in every post I think, if I remember xD) video of the day: Koda Kumi - Hot Stuff (I've been on a rap binge for weeks o_o) ::EDIT:: awww look at what Yuki gave me, he's so sweet D: (he's my spanish friend btw) (it's huge, gomen ne xD)

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Saturday, February 10, 2007

I give up on ever making plans. There has never been a time where they actually went right. My 16th birthday will just be spent at home. Fuck it. I'm cancelling everything. ::EDIT:: So it's decided. My mom's supergay friend/our Neighbor Adam said (this is verbatim btw)- "honey we all need a girls night, all of us are in a bad mood" xD haha So he gave me a bag of mini white choc. reeses (that bastard, these are so addictive) and Megan is going to come stay with me and we're gonna go gossip about guys and such upstairs at Adam's apartment with my mom. Megan's had a bad night, she got drunk and some guy tried something with her (but she kicked him out thank god before it got too far). I told my parents about it, so that they'd understand why I wanted her over with me tonight. My parents are cool with it, they love Megan. They wanna kick said guy's ASS though. and my dad is being an ass lately. and Adam's boyfriend is being a dickhead too. So technically I'm the only one not having any existing "guy problems" haha, but I still love the good old guy gossip.

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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

This is proof that I think too much.

As much as I dislike the fact that I am almost constantly complaining about life-drama on this account, I feel it's necessary or I may, in fact, spontaneously combust in a fiery rage >( I had a whole happy day of panic attack fun. First of all, my mp3 player dies on me. Not the battery, ohhh no. The whole thing just stops working all together. Full battery and everything. I even changed it 3 times with 3 brand new batteries. It just starts up then freezes on the start up screen and won't even turn off until you remove the battery. I was extremely upset. It sounds pathetic, I realize. But it's part of my routine (OCD thing I suppose), and there are certain times during the day when I listen to music, and if I don't have something blocking out the other noise (or even quiet) of my classes, I absolutely freak out. Secondly, Art II (period one) was a bitch. I am truly considering the theory that my teacher is out for my blood. I am not making up excuses for myself, I apologize if it seems that way, I'm just stating facts, so if you think I'm out to gain sympathy you're sadly mistaken. I'd rather someone slap me into some sort of sense than pity me. But anyway, back on track. Little things like my mp3 player dying, my Art teacher forcing me to re-sketch an entire model, especially over top of the OLD sketch, resulting in crooked lines, eraser marks, little spots of graphite against the paper from multiple hand-prints, etc. --- I will eventually freak the fuck out. It's very difficult to explain, and it sounds absolutely ludicrous, I know...but I think it's something you have to experience to understand. This anxiety is so horrible sometimes it just makes me scream and start crying for almost no reason entirely. It's pathetic, really, and I don't enjoy it one bit. I won't go into detail about the whole thing because I'd rather not have to explain every last bit of it (though it would probably make more sense to the reader if I did so), but it started with my teacher attempting to make me resketch something, me getting so flustered I began to panic and start my anxious "rituals" (tapping things, holding my breath, blinking a lot, etc.) by the end of first period I was nearly at the point of hyperventilation and was having such violent tremors that a friend from across the room got so worried she came over to me and held me to her to stop me from shaking so hard. My teacher either didn't notice or didn't acknowledge it, which I'm glad for because the last thing I want is for her to send me to a school counselor or to start a big "oh no what's wrong" scene in the middle of a class (or at all for that matter). Then all through second period I was still going through the stupid little rituals, breathing unevenly, I got headaches, I was sick to my stomach. All this over music and a few uneven lines and unfinished sketches. What the fuck is wrong with me, that's all I want to know. I am so utterly sick of having to hold my breath and touch things a certain amount of times and all the other stupid shit I can't help but do that I'm seriously about ready to just lay in bed so I won't have to experience the anxiety. I am not a quitter. I don't want to give in to it and let it control my life, but at this point it seems to be the only thing I can do. I dont know if i'm Obsessive Compulsive like my last shrink said (almost everyone thinks I am but sometimes I wonder if it's just my subconscious or something like that). I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac. I don't know if I'm just absolutely insane, but honestly it's just making me lose my head. My mom is convinced it's a control issue thing, and is now in the other room telling my dad how much I need to see a psychologist. I admit it will probably help, but I really really loathe having to tell a person everything about my life. I feel like an attention whore when i do it, like I'm asking for pity. And I hate people like that (I'm a bitch, what more do you want). I mean yeah, I'll write it down in here, but there are still things I keep to myself and it just feels different here because I'm not confiding in one person, I'm choosing to record thoughts and events and you are choosing to read them. Otherwise I'd feel like I was shoving things down a persons throat and that through their smile and clipboard they're secretly thinking "wow you're annoying, you stupid nutjob". am I just not trusting enough? Too paranoid? I honestly don't know but it's making my head spin. All i want right now is my music and someone to get my mind off of this crap. Honestly.

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Sunday, February 4, 2007

I must be a fucking control freak, I swear. EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS I COMPLETELY FREAK THE FUCK OUT. We (me, Megan, Amanda) were supposed to leave at fucking 12:00 for a 45 minute drive to see our friend Ahrahm, we've been talking about it all week and been excited and planning and everything. I was up until about 3:30 last night, but still I wake up at fucking 9:00 am to drag myself out of bed in order to redye my hair and get ready by 11:45. I sat here for a while, it was nearing noon and I was expecting a call from Megan (who had promised to call last night or this morning), so I texted/called Amanda's cell since Megan spent the night at her house last night, but she didn't answer. I texted Ahrahm to see what was going on, and she said as far as she knew Amanda told her we'd be there by 1:00, which corresponded with us leaving at NOON But no, I find out that Amanda is low on gas and we may not go. Normally I wouldn't be angry about this at all because that's not entirely within Amanda's control, I'd just be more disappointed. However -- Megan was supposed to fucking CALL me to tell me that sort of shit, but apparently niether Ahrahm nor I are involved enough in the situation to know what the FUCK is going on. I'm more angry that she had me waiting on them when they weren't even fucking conscious, I woke up with less than 6 hours of sleep, and that I wasted 2 1/2 hours worth of hair spray and makeup and time. I am just so pissed off you have no idea. I always get like this when plans don't go as they are supposed to. Sugoicon'05 for example -- Jen fucked over our plans the DAY BEFORE THE CONVENTION so badly that I almost didn't even go. I was outraged. If I have a fucking plan set, I set it down to the last detail. When one of those details are CHANGED, and I'm not informed before the consequences of said changes take effect, it makes me so entirely angry I just spew off at the mouth words I'd probably never say all in one conversation. UGH I need to go cool down, I'm about ready to scream at the nearest living being. ::EDIT:: Great. Absolutely great. We're not even going. I am SO pissed off if I even try to speak my eyes start to water, so I'm not talking to anyone except through typing. Megan called me to tell me but Ahrahm had already sent me a text. And now Megan is crying because I am pissed off, but I didn't YELL and SCREAM at her like I've been doing at inanimate objects for the past half hour. I wanted to, yeah, but I'm not going to do that. So now I feel like a shitty person because Megan doesn't know how to deal. Great. I'm going to go rip up paper or something seriously, only thing I can think of to get the anger out

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Friday, February 2, 2007

So we had no school yesterday due to alleged "snow", but it never DID snow. Then we had today off due to a rampant spread of the flu, and ironcally it snowed last night anyways. It's only a couple of inches, granted, but it's a free day nontheless. ^^ Megan spent the night. She's in the shower right now... yesterday we talked to Yuki (spanish friend) again!!! It was so cute, he's 20, I found out XD; I've never spoken so much spanish at one time in my LIFE, but it was fun I learned a lot of new words and stuff. And I felt kind of important because i had to translate what he was saying for Megan and my friend Hara >:B nyahahaha. We got on his webcam FINALLY and we got on ours and he told us we were beautiful (he does that to everyone though XD; he's a cutiepiee). He's gorgeous, and he always makes faces at the camera and blows kisses and stuff xD Yeah. We're dealing with a ped HAHAHA but he's sexy so it's okay?? oO;; And he has a girlfriend anyway (we think, he still does, if they broke up I never found out about it) so we have nothing to worry about x]~ Well I guess I'll go now...nothign really big to report except --SHUN'S ___ BIRTHDAY TOMORROW I'm not allowed to give out his age :x but let's just say he's a lot older than me XD;;; damnit. I feel like jailbait T0T xXTOCXx P.S. Alayna wants a breast reduction. goddamnit *angry face*

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Thursday, February 1, 2007

february is for the cool people, yo lmao the most important ones first XDD: SHUN'S BIRTHDAY!! -(February 3rd) VAL'S BIRTHDAY -(February 4th) Gaahh I wanna go send Shun a happy birthday thing on the BBS :) I don't think they read it much anymore with how busy they are...but still, I want to. now then on with the other great birthdays: Kamimura Ukyou was born today those many many years ago heee. His soul should be resting well, knowing how many people will remember him. Ruki's birthday today too!! I should go say congrats to Sato for his mantoy turning a year older...hahaa... Kyo and shinya have birthdays this month, too! Isn't there another member with a birthday today? Hmmmm *ponders* You must forgive me for not remembering. Though I do love Dir en grey's music (well...most of it e_e), I was never big enough into them to look up their bios and study their every move XD; hmmm did I miss any? Probably xD; oh yeah!! and my birthday is in 13 days :) haha. xXTOCXx

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Monday, January 29, 2007

current song: Brick - Ben Folds Five

yo :] It's been a while since my last post, but I suppose either you got sick of my constant ranting or just didn't see it anyway, lol. No matter. I'm still a little mad but...I've accepted the facts and that's all that matters. That now I know Jen is a total lying bitch, and I won't be as naive as usual. I still feel stupid for evcn ever falling for her bullshit. But we're past it now, and though if I do ever manage to get back up to KY and see her, I probably will slap her across the face, I won't be as hurt as I was when I first found out about what she did to me. In other news.... Friday night Megan and I got some Bacardi and downed most of it around 3 AM, we were up until about 5 talking to my gorgeous Japanese friend Natsuo xD We were on the microphone on MSN and he has this REALLY thick accent but it's adorable and it's not too difficult for me to understand what he's trying to say because I understand what sounds he's replacing with Japanese sounds and whatever...poor Megan, though, she felt so bad because she dodn't have a clue what he was saying XD;; She just went along with it hahaha. he thought we were funny. I wasn't hammered or anything, but I was way past tipsy. I was just plain old drunk o__o; He was like "How much did you drink?" Me: "XDDDD too much" Him: "oohh hahaha too much?" *insert heavy japanese accent* hehe what a cutie pie :] SO my birthday is in a couple of weeks!!! I almost forgot about it, hahaha. It wasjust the other day I was like "whoaaa my birthday is coming up :O" So much has been going on lately it just kept my mind off of it I guess. I dunno.... Big 16. Mmmmm....fun stuff, I guess. *rolls eyes* I'm just gonna get my ears pierced again and then get my nails done by this HOT Viet. guy(considering my mom's being stupid and refuses to let me get my bridge done =3= ....*sighs* I'll just do it when I'm 18 and can sign for myself xD) Aahh well Megan and I went to the mall both Saturday and Sunday, we were going to go to a rave Saturday night buy my dad made this stupid new curfew without telling me. Apparently I'm not allowed out past 10:00 without an adult anymore. What the fuck I've never done anything bad that they've found out about. And to be honest the worst thing I ever have done was the one time when Megan andI were spending the night at her house and we snuck out to her friends house at 3 am. Granted, we got drunk as fuck, but it was ONE time and they never even found out about it. *sigh* Well, I mean I can understand why they'd want to keep me safe. I drive around with teenagers and 20-something year olds all the time and even if they aren't suspicious of my drinking habits they certainly would have a right to be considering they are real. ohhh when we went on Sunday we went to Victoria's Secret and I tried on this CUTE shirt :D (oh song changed 8DD. MSI - Bring the Pain. wheeee *sings to it*) argh i look fat in the picture but ehhh oh well. I wanna sew one only with sleeves <3 OH and also I found the hair color I want permanently. I love changing my hair color every week (this week I added more blue to the underlayers and redyed the purple on my right side). I found this band the other day, and while browsing their site I came across this picture of one of the members named Ayame. I fell in absolute love with his hair color, and I'm going to go take it to my stylist to ask how much it'll be :] It's basically white with a lavender-esque toner to it. Gorgeous. I have a picture...but I'm feeling lazy...and my computer is scaring me so I don't want to open too many windows and have it freeze so that I lose this whole entry @____@;; eek. Wellllly well... Nothing much more to discuss... well more stuff happened I guess, but...I don't wanna report on it so haha take care i guess? xXTOCXx

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