Thursday, November 30, 2006

Finally. I got a cigarette today. I'ts been WEEKS (october 28th to be precise). Yeah before anyone says anything -- I know my lungs are blackening as we speak -- but I'm addicted. To be honest, NEVER start smoking. I swear, if you never listen to anything I say just listen to this. They don't taste good AT ALL. They taste like ashtrays smell and they make your fingers, clothes, and breath smell exactly the same. The smoke feels like acid if you get it on the inner side of your lips, and if the wind blows it back in your face you're temporarily blinded. You'll shake and twitch when you don't have one and are stressed or upset. But you'll still want one. I don't even like the taste very much, but I long for it all the time. Just, DON'T TRY IT unless you're willing to do it forever. I promise. Now that that's over with-- today was loooong. I got to gym and when we were getting dressed into our gym clothes I remember saying something like "ughhh I'd kill for a smoke" and this girl Jackie (freshman, and yet the only other one in that class who smokes) gave me one later when we were getting dressed after class again. I finished it when I got home today. I'm making cookies again tonight, because tomorrow is a friend's birthday. I'm using the white cake mix this time :) I'll just need help separating the yolks though ._. ...hmm....I wonder if that would mess up turning the cake mix into cookie dough (there's certain ways to do it, you cant just make cake mix and turn it into cookies). Friday is tomorrow. Thank hide, I thought I was going to die. well I had better go and clean the kitchen and stuff before my dad gets home~ baibai xXTOCXx

Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

current song:: La La La - SE7EN current mood:: upset super late post im sorry im so stressed out lately i just want to cry gnfklgnflnflhnd >:( I have been procrastinating this book essay that was due today but I have the chance to turn it in tomorrow before school starts (which I'm TOTALLY grateful for), and I am still trying to write it. It's my own fault so I shouldn't be complaining about it, but it's just so frustrating. I am going to end up snapping at everyone for the next long while, I know it. When I'm like this I tend to ignore that impulse to THINK before I talk. And I'm seriously about to just POP, if my mom or dad says one thing bitchy to me I'm going to freak out and scream at them. Inevitabley landing me a spot in parental hell. In other news.... I made a bunch of cookies today. Out of chocolate cake mix (yes it is a real recipe and yes it is freakishly GOOD). and i added butterscotch chips to some. Super good. I would eat them all if given the chance. But I'm taking a couple to my Art teacher tomorrow :) She is always given a rough time because she can be mean if you annoy her (which i tend to do, but not intentionally). And I feel bad for her having to go through such idiotic students all the time. She really is a good Artist and Art teacher, people just don't get it. That's just it right there. People are pissing me off so often, and I never let myself say anything because though I know I'm a very blunt person when it comes to telling people when they are being annoying or stupid, I try not to do it unless inquired as to my opinion on the matter. I don't complain about it if it can be helped, and if I do then it's in a joking manner. I don't have serious conversations with people here, they're ignorant and stupid and would just end up getting confused. Plus it's downright awkward to have a meaningful conversation with people I don't even like.. If this is the first thing you ever hear me say, you'd think I was a total bitch I know. ahh SE7EN. You make this bad day much more bearable. I like this music. Yes that means I do enjoy other bands (NOT JUST ASIAN, HELLO) in thie genre. R&B and pop. Yeah. i'm not afraid to admit it *shrugs*. I had better get back to my essay. *sighs* xXTOCXx

Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, November 27, 2006

ATTENTION EVERYONE--

alayna -- [adjective]: 100% kinky 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com Oh yes. that is all :D xXTOCXx

Comments (1) | Permalink

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I vomit ponies and rainbows.

So. Yeah. I'm just about bored out of my fucking skull. My brother has been here for almost a week and we've hardly done anything. He's complaining about it and I feel guilty. My dad is pissed off about us being broke and having bills to pay and whatnot. My mom is just pretending like the money issues don't exist and is getting her feelings hurt left and right by my overly sensistive dad. Yeah. It's gonna be a lovely end of the Thanksgiving Break. Sorry to complain about it but jesus fucking CHRIST I'm just so goddamn BORED. And sick of sitting around all day EVERY day. And it's not just a matter of "oh go out and do something". Believe me, if I could I would. I have no transportation and half the time my dad isn't willing to take me. Argh I need a fucking driver's liscence already. And to be honest I don't like ANYONE I've met here, I'd rather they never talk to me again. Like -- ever They deeply annoy me and piss me off the majority of the time, so I think I'd be better off on my own. But sadly they don't get the hint ~_~ I really wish we could move. Fuuck. Oh god. My dad is watching this show where they fish for sharks and compete on who can get the heaviest. It's heartbreaking, they're shoving them onto giant hooks to weigh them, while blood drips out of their mouths and down their faces. God it's making me sick to my stomach. I keep hearing the crank of the chain they use to hang them from. This is disgusting, I fucking hate humanity and their love of death. >( I don't know why I've been in a ranty mood for the past couple of weeks, I apologize for it. I'm just so gngklfgndnlnfucking pissed about everything. I tried to call my friend Lauren at Jrockcon (this convention in Cali.) so I could talk to her, the band playing (Karma Shenjing) and my other friends with her. She didn't answer though :( HOLY SHIT I'M BORED okay. Leaving you to your own devices now. Goodbye everyone~ xXTOCXx

Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, November 25, 2006

I'm thinking of...

...letting my hair grow out again =/ maybe? hmmm I enjoy it strangely cut and rainbow-colored, I must say... but there are times when I miss it being really really long. *ponders the thought* I dunno what influenced that thought. Well...actually I do. Between my friend Kailey being absolutely gorgeous with her long beautiful hair, so many people telling me how pretty I used to be with my long hair, and yesterday at the mall seeing so many cute boys with girls with long beautiful hair. Is it so bad that I have to completely change the way I look or go forever loveless? Jesus. I need a concert fix. Since I'm not going to Tokyo this summer (next summer probably, and I'm going when I'm 19 anyway with friends so NYA on you, school system) I'm trying to Fanime or Acen. It really depends... I'm still scared that Duel Jewel will come like right after I go to one of these cons. And then my parents will be like "no you can't go, you just spent _______ dollars on that other stupid convention" and then I die. fuck. I wish I knew their entirel ive schedule for the next 4 years, I swear -_-; Yeah well I had better go, my brother and parents have been getting on my ass about being on the computer so much lately. And my throat is starting to hurt, I wonder if I'm getting sick.... xXTOCXx

Comments (1) | Permalink

Friday, November 24, 2006

Current song :: Hug - DBSK

bored. soooo fucking bored. My brother and parents are hitting bars tonight so I guess I'm just sitting here all night again .__. .... It's okay though, I'll find something to do. Take pictures or something. Gah I'm so sick of not having any friends around here. Like sooo sick of it. I have people I talk to in school, but none that I really like to hang out with outside of school. I've been whining a lot lately, which consequently makes me feel like a total hypocrite since I happen to loathe whiners. But really I'm just sick of it. Every time I make a friend they turn out to be a total loser, I just didn't see it, as a result of the unapparent fog of desperation closed over my eyes at the time. Druggie, whiny little whore, immature moron, all of the above. Whatever. I'm really sick of it. I hate high schoolers. Nasty little creatures. I'm never going to date anyone here. Maybe I'm just being a stuck up bitch but really no one interests me around here. I am very touchy about some things, that's all. I know the people I'm attracted to do in fact exist, because I've met them before. Just not anywhere near here. Lucky me, ne? So I can't wait to move. I wonder what people in my college will think when I admit that I've never had a date or a boyfriend in my life. That will be an interesting conversation. People were shocked when I admitted that as a freshman last year. I can only imagine what will be said if I admitted it now. People in my school don't know that, because really it's none of their business. I don't have any desire to sharemy personal life with the people there. These girls think I'm their best friend, a few of them, and I'm like "uuhh no". I have best friends. They live far far away and I don't get to see them more than every 6 months or so. Thus I don't see any point in pretending to be friends with anyone here out of pity, it's not fair to either of us for me to do that. I don't want to be totally mean. While I'm usually a very blunt person, it doesn't necessarily mean I'll set out to be a total bitch. Contrary to popular belief, I do have some level of sensitivity. If someone asks me if they look ugly, and I think they do, I'll say so. If someone asks me if they look fat, and I think so, I'll say so. Only if they ask of course, because otherwise they hadn't asked for my opinion so I won't give it. I only say if you ask me. If someone randomly came up to ME and said "you look hideous" I'd be pissed off, yeah. Only because I hadn't asked for their input. If I asked, however, then I would appreciate a very honest answer. So I apply that to all situations. I want people to be honest with me, so I'll be honest with them. But for some reason I just am being too much of a coward to tell these people that. I don't say things behind people's backs. If I feel it's not appropriate to say to someone's face, I won't say it at all. And I do drop hints when people annoy me. Some more frank than others... For example sometimes I've been known to say something along the lines of "Yeah you're annoying me, shut up." And they usually do. Or if they're whining about something I may jut offhandedly say to someone next to me so that the person will hear "You know what really bugs me? When people constantly bitch about their lives and never try to do anything about it." But sometimes the person I was intending on telling to shut up doesn't get the hint and they'll actually go "omg me too" in which case I'll have to slap my forehead and be blatant about it and go "yeah uh I meant you" Most of them get offended, I can't blame them. In fact I expect it. I'm not really a mean person, it's just that I say what I think so I tend to offend people faster than draw them towards me. I like people who are blunt about things, and most of my really good friends are like that as well. Extremely blatant and so I know I can trust them. I know, my perspectives are fucked in the ass, ne? Haha my mom said she liked my Kpop (korean pop) and hip hop. I was listening to Super Junior and SE7EN and she goes "is this Justin Timberlake?" me: "nu uh it's korean" her: "oh really? these are the guys that just sound like him, right?" (I've told her about them) me: "yeah" her: "I like their voices, they're pretty. I can listen to this." :D Alayna owns this time. bahaha xXTOCXx

Comments (1) | Permalink

Thursday, November 23, 2006

*hearts*

Dir en grey is on fuse again some show called The Worm? meh. Saku. I can't say I'm gonna wait up forever to see it. If I do I'll be excited but meh *shrugs* :) Okay so Tokyo is out. But that's okay, I'm content with it now. Because I talked to my brother about it (when he's not being an ass hes pretty nice. Just sometimes in a harsh way ._.) and he said it was stupid to pay that much for two weeks of stuff I don't even really want to do. I'm gonna go to conventions as cosolation 8D hellooo Fanime or Acen muahaha. Depends on the band. Unless it's D'espairs Ray or Sadie coming or some band I really want to see otherwise, I may just save up for Duel Jewel. D'espairs Ray and Sadie may be really favorite favorite FAVORITE bands of mine, but Duel Jewel are like 29803285420958430 million steps above. 8D So whenever they come back (they REALLY want to come back but their new label is strict, I hear), I'll be READY. happy gobbles day everyone im out ;D xXTOCXx

Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

warning :: lots of cussing in this entry

okay...i think i should explain about yesterday. to give you the shortest version possible, I was on the bus on the way home. There are these kids that are always starting shit, because they both know their big sister (who is my age) scares the hell out of everyone so they won't get their asses beat even though they fucking deserve to get their faces blasted into the window until they're coughing up shards of bloody glass. They're extremely loud and the sister is a fucking psychotic bitchy ass whore. She goes off on you when you're not even talking to her, if she even thinks she heard you say something she'll act like she's about to jump over the seat and beat your ass or whatever but all she'll do is get up in your face and scream at you. Now...I HATE it when I'm screamed at. I dont' even take that shit from my own parents. So when this bitch did that number on me, I fucking flipped out. the youngest kid is probably about 9 or 10, he's this scrawny little black kid, probably not even 110 pounds and no more than 4'8". He has a worse fucking mouth than me. My friend Heather is an alleged "lesbian" but we dont' really care about that rumor and she actually encourages it sometimes with pure sarcasm (I.E. "oh yeah i sooo like pussy" and w/e). This kid will just interrupt our private conversations with a STREAM of cuss words and "you like pussy you're a fatass lesbian dyke whore ass bitchy gnfklgnfdlgn blah blah blah" and we're kind of used to it so we just kind of raise our eyebrows and then keep talking like it never happened. Well this particular day he had done it about 4 times. Once was when this girl asked if I had a boyfiend, I said "ahh no not right now" and he fucking interrupts our conv AGAIN and goes "of course she doesnt, look at her, fucking ugly ass bitch blah blah blah" At that point I was just beginning to tip over the edge so I said something along the lines of "okay you fucking little bitch, I've gotten more offers than you can count to, I'm just not a fucking cock-whore and I turn them all down." the best thing he comes up with was "oh by what..uh..women?" Yeah actually i have had a few women offer me a date but im straight so that introduces a whole new range of issues. I normally know I don't have to prove shit, especially to some little fucking prick like that. But I had snapped by now. Then the next few times he did it we didn't really care, mostly because he just came up with the dumbest insults ever and we've heard it all before. But the last time he did it, I said very calmy "sweetheart, you do realize that when you do get to high school you're probably going o be dumped in several trash cans on your first day if you run off that smart mouth of yours, right?" he said something like "yeah well when you get to college you're gonna have sex with women and get raped by women and they're gonna fix that ugly ass tooth of yours, no they're gonna rip it out and blah blah blah" i dont know what else he said but the littl fucker made me so mad I'm shaking just thinking about it. The lesbian stuff didn't make me mad in the least, i thought those insults were rather hilarious and stupid. It's just that other one...I'm extremely self conscious about myself, I was never comfortable with my body and never have been, so that stung deep. He doesn't know me and doesn't have the right to say SHIT about me. To set it straight, I do have a canine tooth that's freakishly pointed and at one point it was growing over the baby tooth until the baby tooth was pulled, so its a little higher up than he rest of my teeth. That's what he was talking about. He ran off again but I brushed it off, because I mean he'll get what he deserves eventually. but THEN he came back AGAIN, went to get in Heather's face, and I put my hand up in front of her face so he would leave. All hell broke loose. His fucking crazy ass middle sister started screaming(not the scary one, this one just thinks she's all badass but I could throw her through the fucking air without much trouble and she's always talking shit about me too even though i NEVER talk to her). She was yelling "OH SHE HIT HIM SHE HIT HIM" and the scary sister heard it and jumped up like she was about to start some shit with me. I have to admit she can freak me out sometimes, but only because I hate yelling. I'm not afraid of fighting with the crazy bitch. She starts SCREAMING at me so I stood up (taller than her, haha what now bitch) and started screaming back that I hadnt touched her fucking brother, but the whore is so immature that she wouldn't even shut the fuck up and let me tell her what had happened. To be honest I SHOULD have smacked her little brother upside his head, but I have the fucking MATURITY not to do so. He's have my age and size and even if he is a little smart ass, it's not fair for me to bully on him. UGH im sorry im usually very calm about this kind of stuff and I like to keep the RAGE inside because I am not one prone to violence even if I joke about it, and I prefer to keep myself out of any sort of physical confrontation, but this really pissed me off. So much so that it's temporarily stunted the growth of my vocabulary and all I can think of are cusswords that I don't even use in everyday conversation (I admit that I use most of them but there are limitations). hhdgflghndklds god I just hate that bitch. I hope she fucking tries to hit me on Monday. I really hope she does. Even if she CAN kick my ass, I'll make SURE she's bleeding before I go down at all. fucking whore. I'm sorry if i didn't explain it very well, I'm still to angry with the whole situation to even function. I fucking LOATHE, with every fiber of my BEING do I loathe people like that. Who think they're badass but they're really cowards and won't do shit for the consequences they've brought upon themselves. They're LIFE ruiners and they're going to end up making someone kill themselves one of these days. yay happy mood. >( xXTOCXx

Comments (1) | Permalink

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

fucking whores

Dear morons and easily-offended ignorant assholes in general- Grow the fuck up and don't you dare yell in my fucking face. If a joke is made that you think is offensive, or if you think that I've done something to hurt someone you know, you do not fucking blow up and try to jump over seats at me. You either tell me not to say jokes like that, and I will respect it enough not to. You ASK me if I hit your little smartass brother upside the head, and when I say I didn't touch his dumbass (whether in those exact words, or not), and when he even admits I didn't touch his dumbass -- YOU DON'T TRY TO FUCKING HIT ME BECAUSE, BITCH, I DONT GIVE A DAMN IF YOU CAN BEAT MY ASS, I'LL GET A FEW GOOD HITS IN BEFORE I GO DOWN. If you're little fucking brother HALF MY SIZE AND AGE calls my friend a "pussy-sucking lesbian fatass whore" on a constant basis and refuses to knock it the fuck off even when we just ignore it --- yes I'll get the urge to fucking blast his face through the goddamn window. I won't do it, more than likely, I may just tell him to kindly shut his fucking smartass mouth. If he tries to HIT said "alleged lesbian" friend of mine, yes I'll smack him back. Must I repeat it? if you ever fucking yell in my face again, thinking your badass or whatever the fuck it is, I don't care how fucking scared of you everyone else is -- I'm not afraid to beat your fucking ass. sincerely ~alayna

Comments (3) | Permalink

Saturday, November 18, 2006

current song :: 'When You're Evil' -- Voltaire

I feel better. Thank you Momo-chan, I love you so much *hearts* You made me feel so much better. I had to just cry it out and then distractmyself for a few hours. Eventually my eyes got tired and I just watched TV with my dad for a while. They never knew I was crying, which is a good thing. I hate it when they know, then they get all "oh what's wrong, tell me" and if I don't they get all mad at me. I hate it when they know something is wrong. anyway I just cried until I felt that strange twinge in the back of your eyes, you know. Like you have nothing left TO cry out, and eventually you start to feel better. I am not exactly HAPPY with any of this, but I'm not being a total baby anymore like I was last night... My "friends" are just questionable. Hence the last statement in the previous post. So...don't worry about it, ne? I don't want anyone bothering themselves with it, I can handle it. Anyway! I also got to talking to some friends online. It's when I know my life has reached an epitome of patheticness, lol. When my friends across the country seem to care more than the ones I left behind in my old city. Just an interesting thought..hm. I listened to Voltaire as well, and he always makes me feel better. He's probably my FAVORITE, if not second or third favorite, American musician ever. He's amazing :D And I can't help but laugh while i listen to his songs, haha. I have to clean a lot today as soon as my mom wakes up, so I can't get too comfortable here at this big black squishy computer chair ;_; My brother is coming on Monday, and even though we were never close, and it's sometimes hard to remember "Oh yeah I have a brother", I'm glad to see him again. It's been a few years. I mean...when people ask if I'm an only child, my mouth says "I have an older brother" before my brain even processes the fact that I DO in fact have one. It's just that when he lived with us I was so young I guess that I never got close with him, and he moved out when I was 9. I guess that must be it. So it's hard to remember any times where he was in fact - my brother. I'm preparing for an onslaught of "oh god why did you kill your hair?" comments as well e_e *sighs* along with "what the fuck kind of music is this?" and then "DON'T YOU TALK TO MOM LIKE THAT" while he turns around and screams "bitch" at her. Because that totally makes sense, right? wtf oO; Well...I'm starving. And I think I want to make my mom in a good mood today since I'm stuck with her...so... I'm going to go make a big breakfast :) hope you are all well I'll check sites more often, okay? I feel bad for not doing so D: xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: new theme - Duel Jewel. I didn't feel like putting up a wallpaper even though I have tons. The song is my favorite one off of their newest release, I haven't let go of the CD since it got here.

Comments (2) | Permalink