Friday, November 17, 2006

One lovely fucking day. current mood :: crushed

;_; very short post. My mom said I could go to Tokyo this summer in July, that we'd find some way to pay for it all to let me go. But when I mentioned that we had to pay the deposit fee like ASAP when my dad got home about 10 minutes ago- he was all "yeah right i lose my job in january how do you expect us to do that?" And i know it's true but it broke my heart in half, I've been so excited running around all day telling my friends because I was so happy to get to go to Japan. ;__; Is it bad to feel the tears welling up for this? I'm doubting if I can go... Only 20 students can go and 8 already payed the fee (which you have to pay to sign up for it), plus a couple more are paying next week before Thanksgiving break which starts on Wednesday... I always have feelings about things and they happen, and I have a feeling I am not going.. I am so heartbroken right now I can't even open my mouth, my throat feels like there is a brick stuck in it. I feel so selfish but my heart is so heavy now... xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: Someone said make new friends but keep the old, right? But what happens if you know they really don't want to keep you. It makes your heart crack in all the wrong places. That's what happens. Exactly what happens.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Stupid website won't let me comment >( Anyway...okay well. As much as I do like Dir en grey, I have to say Agitated Screams of Maggots is not on my favorites list. I do like the lyrics a lot, I think they are great lyrics, but I don't know it just sounds like Slipknot to me, and Dir en grey is NOT Slipknot (thank god...yes I hate slipknot. im sorry.). I have my meeting today at 6:00 for that summer trip to Japan. I think I'd rather go to Fanime...to be honest. But meh *shrugs* I'll decide after tonight. Today -- momo-chan gave me an idea XD! I love you for this, dear!! I printed out this picture- And put it on my binder. Just to see what would happen >D 4 guys DURING School all thought they were lesbians (despite Ni~ya's rather apparent penis) and looked like they were going to puke when I told them they were guys, and my friend's little sister on the bus took it from me and went around the bus asking the little kids if they thought it was hot and if it was guys or girls -_- I was like "AAH BRITTANY YOU DUMB WHORE GET BACK HERE DD:" but I couldn't get up to grab it back. WAaah. *yawns* I'm so tired, as soon as I hit the couch I'm going to die, I know it. SOOOOOO tired. So I'm gonna go lay down for a while before my meeting xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I'm excited for Thanksgiving break, I need those three days off of school e_e Wed-Fri of next week is my break. Laaame but better than nothing. I dyed my hair :D I only did a little bit, I'll do the whole half of my head later this week (yes...I like dying half of it...I'm cheap and....it saves hair dye ._.''). And now--- THE PICTURE SPAMMMMM x3 My fucking cat moved because she's a whore. So my hand flinched...thus..the blur. Yep took that this morning. Because....I was bored. And I'm a camera whore LMAO Sorry it's dark :x ;;; I'm gonna go to the mall this weekend and get purple dye too, because I went last weekend but they didnt have purple DD: Onlt Hot Topic did but that store is a ripoff and charges ridiculous prices for a bottle of hair dye. Ehh there were more but they are all sucky. ahaha. *yawns* Mm...I don't have much to say about today, I'm sorry guys D: I really don't. I'm just exhausted. REALLY exhausted. xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: New theme. Girugamesh, another favorite band of mine. Love them to death, my friend Kiku introduced me to them.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

   current mood :: content yet kinda sad =/
current song :: Walkie Talkie Man - Stereogram

Yep. Well...those presale Dir tickets sold out in about 25 minutes, I heard. Don't the rest go on sale Thursday? Meh...I want to go but -- I will live without it I guess. It's just that once I start to actually not care about it a little bit more, I hear someone go "OH MY GOD GUESS WHAT IM SEEING THEM 8DD" And I'm not going to just tell my friends to shut up and stop being excited, I mean I'm happy for them...I just wish I could do more sometimes, you know? This summer I may go to Japan :) Either Japan or Fanime, I haven't decided yet... See if it was like a vacation to Japan I'd hella go there. But it's a school funded trip to our sister school and then to Tokyo. See, if I don't get to go to Harajuku -- and on a Sunday -- someone will feel some severe pain. And Shibuya, oh hell they'd better go to Shibuya!! Shibuya is supposed to have the best shopping ever, though I know around Harajuku there are more of my favorite brands :D I'd die to go to a Sexpot store. My classmates would be like "uhhh" because I'd be running around like a maniac and grabbing clothes and blabbering to the cashier about them xD hahaha. It'd be worse if we see cosplayers, I'd see one I recognized and be like "MAA SUGOI!! DIR EN GREY NO TOSHIYA DESU NE?!?!?" or something and the poor things would be like oO;;; "ee?" *sigh* Anyway -- enough of the dreams -- I'm going to the meeting for the trip on Thursday. I'll find out details there and if it sounds good I'll try my best to get there ^^ My mom was going to let me go on foreign exchange anyway :) I woudl hope they'd let us each stay with a host family or something, I'd really hate it if they planned out our WHOLE schedule. I mean I can understand when they want to take us to see certain places like our sister school over there -- but I want to be able to go to places that I've been dreaming of going to. Haha I wonder if they'll let us visit one of the old brothels xD; doubtful. Maaaaa....I dunno. If I decide it's not worth it, hell I'm going when I'm 18 anyway. Then I'll just try to get my brother to go with me to Fanime in San Jose, because my mom won't let me go to a con in Cali' because she doesn't know my friends over there. I have about ermmm 3 really really good friends who will be at Fanime, but my mom doesn't know them and won't let me just go stay with them (I can understand why so I'm not really THAT mad just a bit irked). So I have to take my brother with me, he's 24 and a black belt/sensei xD So I'd feel pretty safe with him around. And I'd have SOOO much fun. This will be such a hard decision, I WISH I could do both. I am uploading these videos I made today at school, haha. I take my camera sometimes and I'll just videotape gym class or lunch or the bus. Sometimes my teachers will let me videotape class, but very rarely. I like to make videos, something about it is comforting. I'd LOVE to videotape my art class. This week and next especially, since we are starting pottery. It would be so interesting, I think. I want a video camera :D I want lots of things, lol. I understand so many of them I can't have, though. At least not right now or simultaneously. If I could get all the things I wanted for Xmas and my birthday? Oh hell. I'd only ask for these things, though it's still a lot (moneywise too @@) 1) that Dir show in Chicago =| on my birthday. 2) Japan trip this summer! (late bday gift ;D) 3) digital video camera 4) a new Ipod (grrr my mp3 player died) 5) Fanime 07 (late bday gift again haha) 6) Acen 07 (to see my other 3 friends Shae, Kailey, and Nicole!) 7) visit KY again for a few days 8) A few of these japanese books I have picked out in my head yepppp. Hmm. lots of stuff xD selfish maybe? Shit I'm trying my hardest to make these christmas gifts but seriously I hate the material I'm working with -___- I won't say what it is because I'm making something for YOU momo-chan, so I can't give it away ;DDDD yeah I have lots of Spanish homework and I have to clean so I have to cut this short~ baibai xXTOCXx P.S. ......muahahahaha....picturessss? :D This is how I'm about to go dye my hair *eyes red hair dye in the bathroom*. Haha my mom is gonna kill me *hearts* She thinks I don't still have the rest of my hair dye xD!

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Monday, November 13, 2006

current mood :: sleepy.

In case no one has payed any attention, and I think you may want to-- I put up a video of Sadie above my picture in the profile. So if you want to see them, there you go. I'd love to give you a video sample of their music but youtuve is my only rescource right now and all they have that I've found is that comment D: sorry guys. Hmmmmm today....ugh it's been so LONG. I can't sleep anymore. Like I haven't been able to sleep through an entire night, uninterrupted, for at least two weeks. I keep waking up at about 4 am, when I really don't have to wake up until 5:50 to get ready for school, but I'm so wide awake when I DO wake up that I can't go back to sleep. Like last night for example, I woke up around 4:00 am or 3:30 or something, and I was like "uughh fuuck" because I wanted more sleep, but I couldn't go to sleep!! My body was heavy and tired but my mind was restless and I just could not bring myself to sleep. I kept hearing little noises around the house, like my cat kneading the carpet in the living room or something, and I wouldn't be able to concentrate on relaxing because it would instantly make my brain so alert. :( And it makes me so tired later on in the day. I lost my memory card to the temporary mp3 player I have since mine died.... Which means I lost about 13 songs from it, and that card was my mom's and $60. Needless to say no one is happy about it. Particularly me. I get my progress reports on Wednesday, but I got my English one today. I have a C, but it should be a B now, I think, since I turned in some stuff and made up a test I was absent for today after school. In art I have a C....ridiculous I know, I usually have an A in art...it's just that I've been having this horrible block and I just can't bring myself to draw while I'm at home, and she lets me do whatever I want to with out of class drawings while the rest of the students have assigned drawings to do ;P heee, special attention hahaha. And I'm grateful for that, but I just can't FORCE myself to draw well. And if a drawing looks bad, I'll throw it away. I can't stand myself if I don't draw perfectly. Speaking of which, since Friday in Art we've been doing Contour drawings. This is where you have to look at the object you are drawing, without looking at the paper except when you place the pencil down on the paper. and they all turn out deranged and weird looking, but I can't stand it. I want to cry when I look at it, I'm always told that I draw so well so I suppose that maybe i feel i have to live up to that. I have these fits where I just start violently twitching, I have them for certain reasons. Either when a phobia is introduced to me, like my fear of syringes or when I have to touch old food/dirty dishes (I'm scared to touch dishes with food on them, I've cried a few times when I was yelled at for not being able to do it). or when something is out of place, like a spot is on the board and it's not being erased, or I draw a letter wrong. I have to tap on desks a lot in a certain pattern and I have to redraw and darken letters a lot when I write. Sometimes I'll erase them and write them exactly the same way, because if I dont' do it I'll go into one of those twitching fits and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. My old psychologist AND my parents and even a couple people at school (one is my teacher) thinks I have OCD. I haven't been diagnosed but it even sounds to me like I might... I used to make noises, and I still do sometimes, and I have to hold my breath for a certain amount of seconds and then make a noise at a certain pitch or that will force me to stop breathing for a moment. If I do it wrong then I have to stop breathing again and tap on things. It's like, crazy. I hate it, it stops me from concentrating, especially if I do it during a test because I won't be able to do it or I won't get finished because I'll have had to have erased it all and wrote it down again or something. The "fits" aren't noticable, no one really sees because I try to keep it very subtle and quiet. It only gets out really bad when we talk about syringes in class, which has happened twice. It frightens me so badly that the twitches get more violent and I almost cry, I'm SO terrified of needles you have no idea. I can get a piercing no big deal, those needles only bug me a bit and after some coaxing I'll be able to do it. But it's something about syrings....I just shuddered typing the word in fact D: Yep I'll leave now. This was a really long post o-o; xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: random but--- *-* That's how I like my abs....*is dead* hodamn. Meev is lookin hot :DDD! I'm drawing him for Art so I don't get a C D:!!!!

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Saturday, November 11, 2006

post from yesterday = this one

yeah so i posted REALLY late last night so i figured i might as wel just erase that and put it up today e_e *its below* :) I got my Duel Jewel CDs yesterday. Both versions of the new releases, each CD has a different cover and a different DVD inside. The same two songs are on the CDs but in different order on either one. I have to admit this -- I started crying when I watched the [Life On...] PV. I felt like an idiot because I mean what the fuck was there to cry about, you know? But damn...I don't know it was just the energy in the live (they filmed a bunch of live clips and then each member in front of a big white wall being...well...in lack of a better term -- DAMN SEXY). And there is one part in the song where the background vocals are so cute and go "woo oo ooh" *insert pop-ish tune* And even if these two releases aren't really Duel Jewel's normal kind of music, I think they are just trying out new things because they are a fairly new band (well kind of...they're just beginning to get popular I mean. When I first fell in love with them it was only a short while after their american debut at Akon13 in 2002). But it was when I saw Shun singing the background vocals like that, and I saw the smiles and his especially... It took me back to a huge report Sophie (she's the amazing woman who brought duel Jewel to America for the first time :D) from Akon13. Back then they were SO young and SO new to all of this, and after their first live performance -- they actually broke down and cried. They were so excited and overwhelmed by the love and support in that crowd, to see all those faces screaming for THEM, that they actually cried. They've come so far. It was just a beautiful thing to see, them so full of energy and joy, bouncing around stage and laughing. I didn't know what else to do, how to react, so I cried. Gah...if I could never get anything I want in life again, the only thing I would ever want to do would be to see them. To meet THEM. To try my best to let them know in some way that they changed my life. I want them to feel that, to feel important, to know how amazing they all really are. I can't help but think of them as just 5 guys, not a "band". When I see them I think of each one as a totally normal (yet freakishly talented and BEAUTIFUL) man. I feel like I know them though I am aware that I don't. They've held me together when I started to crack, and I have so much I wish I could do to thank them for it. I just want them to know that they did what they intended to do, they moved someone's heart and they made a difference for them. I want them to smile and know that. I just want to see them smile. [/sappy rambling] xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, November 8, 2006

current song :: Facism - D'espairs Ray (stuck in my head)current mood :: lonely/tired

*yawns* gahh I'm sleepy.... My makeup is all gross too hahaha. And yet I could care less @@ Ugh so it's been a VERRRY slow day. I jacked my mom's speakers to plug into my mp3 player, but when I went to plug them in they didn't work. And i figured out it was because this mp3 player is so old and shitty it just won't work lol. It works with everything else though so...hmm.*shrug* I need a new mp3 player AND a comp. moniter soon e____e'' Hoshit. *has hiccups* noooooooooooo *cry cry* ;___; Gahh I'm too sleepy to even hiccup anymore XD they keep scaring me. Sooo... I told my dad about Dir en grey being in Chicago on my birthday (still sad about that btw D: *cries more*).... I also told him they would be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida -- not expecting a reaction really. But then he said "hmm...when's the one in Florida? Where is it at?" And I was like O____O Holy. Shit. Maybe I'm just really desperate to go and getting all worked up but. Holy. Shit. He acknowledged it on his own, does this mean he's thinking about it :D? I mean although I would REALLY rather go to the one in Chicago on my birthday, I won't be picky and I'd go to the Ft. Lauderdale show anyway hahaha. Maybe I could like, nudge a hot roadie in a low cut t-shirt like "heyyy. heyyyyyyyyy. Guess what day is the SAME day as the Chicago show?" :D and then he'll totally be like "ohnoes you must meet dir en grey". xDDD yeah right. Ah fantasies. I'm just kidding, of course. I'm not THAT naive. Hmmm...yeah at first I wasn't excited to (attempt to) see Dir or anything, to be honest. They aren't like a FAVORITEFAVORITE like Duel Jewel or D'espairs Ray is for me, but I do love them. They're a great band and they've proven so many people wrong. I have to be in the gym tommorrow for wellness, but I'm going to get a note from my art teacher to go to her room to finish a project instead x] That's what I did on Monday ;D I just asked her if I could come in during third block (when I have wellness) and she wrote me a note (it was on a napkin because she was at lunch at the time XD hahaha) and my wellness teacher let me go :D It was fun. But hojeez there are some BIIIITCCCCHEESSSSS in that class. I have a friend in that class, Jeff, but other than that I'm like *rolls eyes* they're such...grbngkgfkl raahhh *strangles a baby* Dx Like, after third block our class goes to lunch (there are four lunch breaks, each set of classes goes to one break). And on my way to lunch I stopped by the Art room to get one of Brianna's projects for her (she has the same lunch as me). When I went in those bitchy people were over in the corner giggling and kept looking at me. I had Goku Maddo by Girugamesh blaring on my head phones so I didn't hear what they said, but I took them out of my ears, turned around and gave them a dirty look and said "I beg your pardon?" They all stopped giggling but one of the really cocky ones was like "I didn't say anything." and we both kind of stared eachother down for a while until I rolled my eyes and turned back around. Then the giggling ensued. I mean honestly, I don't mind if they want to say something about me, but I'll be DAMNED if they don't fucking say it to my FACE. Fucking cowards. Yeeeahhhh so. Uneventful day really. Oh but after school ended, I plugged the speakers into Sarah's cd player and we blasted Sexy Back in the hallway XDDD that was fun x] mmmmm...I'm so tired. and hungry. I'm gonna eat cereal and take a nap, I think. xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: also decided-- when I'm 21 im fucking hitting the tokyo underground nightclubs >:DDD ho.ly.shit. there is one club that closes at 6 am, but a club just around the corner opens AT 6 am XD haha!! hoshit dude. I'd be whorin' it up like you wouldn't believe. I can be a shameless flirt when im SOBER, jut imagine what I'd be like if I was DRUNK BAAHAHAHA

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Tuesday, November 7, 2006

picture-happy post today...

So I think we'll be okay. My dad started looking for jobs immediately. He's anything BUT s slacker, so I know he won't let anyone else suffer because of his stupid work. He may not get as high pay in the next job he gets though ;( Believe it or not being a manager for the warehouse he WAS manager for payed pretty nice. And they offered to transfer him but it'd be to fucking Colombus, Ohio and he said he had just gotten settled and found me a good school and whatnot so we weren't moving there. Plus the ONLY places I want to move are totally unrealistic (if he offered California or back home to KY, I'd be like "HOSHIT YES YES PLEASE GOD YES LETS MOVE TOMORROW" ahaha) My DJ CDs should be here soon... I'm so angry I think my Shun picture and Duel Jewel flyer from Kailey are lost in the mail. Oh my GOD you have no idea how pissed I am. It's not Kailey's fault so I'm not mad at her at all, just at the fucking mail. If it is indeed lost then this is the THIRD time it's happened to me. And they CANT be replaced, they were signed ONE OF A KIND pictures. in other news-- Even if Gazette isn't one of my FAVORITE bands music-wise --- hot DAMN they are so gorgeous. Aoi is one of the most beautiful people I've ever SEEN and Uruha has sexy thighs like *EYEGASM ON THE SPOT* :| *smacks face* ahhh Hayato. This had better not be your orgasm face BAHAHAHA *cries* Whle Aoi may be beautiful, I still think Shun is the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. Reguardless of what I'm told I can't help it. I would cry my eyes out and make him all uncomfortable when DJ comes back, I know it. haha. God... holy SHIT. If I was inside that yellow tape, you'd see in this picture---- me: O______O *gripping random person next to me until they bleed and crying* xDD its funny they have to have yellow tape. kehehehe. and since this post is short and im adding pics anyway, here are the members of Sadie to get you more aqcuainted with my theme :D Mao - Vocals Birthday - 6.7 Tsurugi - Guitar Birthday - 4.2 Mizuki - Guitar Birthday - 1.8 Aki - Bass (isn't he beautiful?) Birthday - 3.25 Kei - Drums Birthday - 11.30 :D They really are a great band, I would love to have seen them live. xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: HOLY FUCKING GHILGHNFKLGHKL HFUUCK DIR EN GREY WILL BE IN CHICAGO ON MY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY D: how crappy is that?!?! HAPPY FUCKING SWEET SIXTEEN TO ME *cries* i wanna go now.

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Monday, November 6, 2006

oh fuckkkk first thing i get to hear when I come home, shit. my dad's warehouse is closing down in 60 days, which means he will have no job. Fuck fuck fuck. THe only thing I can think of that would an awesome outcome from this, would be by some amazing circumstance we are forced to move back to our old town in KY. I doubt that would happen but it's always in the back of my mind. I could get a job and I would have no problem helping out with it, like small stuff like buying food and whatever. It wouldn't bother me as long as they don't take all my money I earned, because I like to save at least $50 a month for emergencies. I'm sure we'll think of something. I hope so. I can't stand being "poor". Like, we are getting by now just fine. We certainly aren't "Rich" or anything but we have enough to enjoy ourselves and have certain luxuries some families can't get. So I can't imagine what will happen if this fucks us up. Ohhh my god I'm all worried now. My dad doesn't mean to stress me out by telling me, they only tell me what I need to know, but they keep most details to themselves. It's a need-to-know basis around here unless I ask otherwise, basically. Ugh so tomorrow I have like...so much homework to do. SO much homework. I'll have to get a job soon, I want to work at Walgreens :O that would be fun, and I'd get discounts to buy things like hair dye and makeup and skin bleach. yeah well I was going to say more but really that blew me out of the water, I can't even remember what I was going to say. ugh *rubs temples* xXTOCXx

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Saturday, November 4, 2006

Arrgh my teeth are so sensitive. I had to force myself to eat cereal but it hurt to chew it @@ God my mom and dad went out last night to a bar with a bunch of my dads work friends. My dad doesn't drink anymore but my mom does sometimes @_@ So she came home a few hours later (dad drove her) smashed off her assssss. I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to throw up, it was hilarious. She kept trying to poke me in the head but missed and all sorts of stuff bahahaha. I am going to be one of those obnoxiously LOUD drunks that are amused by walls and giggle at everything, I know it. xD At fanime next year, if I go, I'm planning on getting away with Crystal and getting drunnnnk as shit, and handing my friend Kiku the camera bahaha. I'm scared I'll probably molest a lightpole or something, though oO;;; god xD If Duel Jewel comes to fanime (yeah right, I WISH) I'd seriously WAIT for Shun to come outside to smoke, pull out a cigarette, and go up and ask him if he has a lighter O_O I don't care if I quit smoking before I see Duel Jewel, I'll smoke another one if it gives me an excuse to go have him light my cigarette xDDD I'm designing some clothes I wanna make soon I have lots of ideas, just not sure if my mom has all the fabric. She has (quite literally) an entire room filed to the ceiling with fabric and lace and all sorts of sewing materials, but I KNOW she doesn't have PVC because she didn't even know PVC material existed, she thought I meant the PVC piping -_-; and she probably doesn't have any tulle, and if she does probably not a lot. hm... My fucking school wouldn't give me any of the work I missed when I was absent Wednesday-Friday -___- I was PISSED off. I'm gonna have Tuesday off, luckily, so I'll be able to do some of that work then... I. Want. This. Corset. O_O.........*looks down and grimaces* Sadly, enough...my chest is too big to fit into any corset. I know. I have tried *smothers self* X_____@ D: I want these too, in black. I like my arms covered, I am not a big skin-bearer. I like my legs covered too but like...I mean if I wear a short skirt I want loads of tulle to be underneath it to make my legs look thinner, and I won't show any above my knee if it can be helped. xXTOCXx

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