Wednesday, September 20, 2006

:( Today was really horrible. I was hoping to be able to post something happy for you guys, I'm sorry... Just...god what the hell. It started in PE. I was fine up until then... we had to finish the badminton match between me, my partner, and the other team...the rest of the kids just sat around or whatever until we finished. Even then I was fine. I was laughing and stuff... But we had to play this freaky form of kickball (one where you cant stop running until you come back around). I HATE kickball. I hate anything that puts the spotlight on ME. I generally just absolutely hate gym just because it makes me feel vulnerable and quite bluntly it makes me feel naked. I only had to kick once, the next times i was supposed to go i just snuck behind a few more people and they didnt say anything. Personally I think they preferred if i didn't go, they didnt want me on their team anyway... That one time was just horrible. I can't even deny the fact that I have umm...frankly...i have large breasts :| ....and so i despise anything having to do with running (for obvious reasons, and I know you're laughing right now and I understand why but it's really not funny right now). So like...I'm really really embarassed to even say this but when I run, if im not wearing a sports bra then I have to keep my arms at least near my chest.. and i am just really self-conscious and just not athletic at all. So I get back and im like ~_~ because I didnt want to do it in the first place... and i come to find out from a girl who i was talking to (she's nice but we're not really 'friends') people were talking about me. I was just horrified, and pissed off beyond reasoning. People were talking about my CHEST. I don't care if people talk about my hair cut or my makeup or my music or anything else, because i CHOOSE to do those things. but i can't help...that... i kind of was quiet the rest of the day. I felt so stupid but I just felt so attacked in gym. I hate being yelled at, by ANYONE...and I'm self-conscious abotu my body enough as it is... I didn't talk and was so happy to finally just get dressed..and I waited until everyone had left the dressing room and right before the bell rang for lunch before i actually left it... I didnt want to look at anyone, I just turned the volume all the way up on my mp3 player and looked at the floor or the walls until we left.. I feel like an idiot now...every now and then since that period I've been having to force myself not to start crying because I felt so bad and so stupid. I haven't felt that bad in a while...and all over something that stupid...why the fuck do i get so worked up...why am I so fucking sensitive?? I do'nt give a SHIT if someone LIKES me or not, I'd prefer if everyone was neuteral about me. Not friends but not enemies...if we didnt have to do anything like picking people for teams, or picking partners on assignments, then I would just ignore everyone and sit by myself. i get embarassed really easily and try to brush it with a small laugh...but inside it just hurts. physically i feel a catch in my throat and my lungs and i just hate it. I want just one good friend in school and I'm perfectly well off for the rest of my time there...but here I don't have that. I haven't had that since 8th grade and I miss it so much. Everyone here who most people assume to be "my kind of group" shuns me away because I am basically a good girl...meaning I don't do any drugs, I don't get detention (and when I think I do I have total breakdowns), I don't drink, I'm a virgin... I don't know I just haven't felt like I've fit in anywhere at ALL here in Tennessee... I miss Ryle (my school back in KY)...it was such a good school...how am I ever EVER going to get through 2 and a half more years of this...?? Fuck. I was seriously hoping to post something great and happy and thought provoking or SOMETHING today... i just can't. i'm sorry, guys. xXTOCXx

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Sunday, September 17, 2006

this is going to be a very unpleasant post. my apologies in advance.

ughhhh this week has been tiresome and evil and stupid haha nice choice of adjectives ne? Hmm... Well today, I can't give out any details because I promised her, but my friend Shae's sister posted her lj finally about her week at FVT (she's on jph staff so she helped Dir out with stuff along with Harry and the other staff). I'm not close friends with her sister or anything but Shae is a good friend so I heard stuff from her all the time lol... Anyway there were pics and stuff and I was in total awe and like out-of-body-experience shock at seeing some of them. But now I'm just hating my age AGAIN because It's like the peak of everything I've ever dreamed of doing, and by the time I'm old enough to go out and DO any of it it'll all be passed and faded and over. Nothing will ever be like this again and I'm too young and limited to do anything. I hate being 15, I seriously do. I can't do anything until I'm 18, and I'm not moving out until I'm 19 (unless I go to college right out of high school...). But I need to save money for college and moving to Cali. because I'm dead set on doing that... Ugh I just hate being 15. I hate being broke. I want a job, and money, and resources D: fucking hell I'm just all mixed up right now. SO happy for her but so envious and mad at myself like you wouldnt believe. bahhhh anyway... I had the weirdest, longest dreams last night... like freakish dreams and I couldnt tell if i was awake or asleep so I was always confused. My dad made me eat this morning. He cooks breakfast without asking me if im hungry, usually while im still asleep, and if i say im not hungry he gets all mad. And then I have to eat whether I'm hungry or not, and then all day I want to just gag myself and get rid of it, it's like a repeat of last summer (05). Except I'm mad at myself for being too fat and not being able to BE like last summer, and have my will power and the ability NOT to eat. And I want to just stop eating all together. I want to just lock myself in my room and wait until I'm half dead from starvation. Then maybe I'll have lost some of it. >( God fucking damn it. I'm just so sick of looking in the mirror and screaming at my reflection, I'm sick of trying on clothes and crying in the dressing room, I'm sick of feeling like I'm always single because I'm not good enough, I'm sick of feeling like I'm hiding behind all my layers of makeup, I'm sick of feeling like I have to wear baggy clothes to hide my body, I'm sick of people POKING me in the stomach because I'm scared they'll find out I do in fact have FAT even if I do hide it well sometimes... I'm so SICK of it I feel like I have nothing going anymore. I shouldn't be this concerned about how I look, I shouldn't hate my own body. I feel like it's pointless to lose any weight, I was 20 pound skinnier in December. Then I moved to Tennessee and started to not care anymore, I stayed in my house all day every day after school. I never went out with anyone and did anything, I just stayed at home and talked to my friends back home, that's all I wanted to do was talk to them. And I gained all the weight I had lost over summer 05 in just a few months, so in order to even get back to my december weight I have to first lose all the junk I gained since January. And in December I was even unhappy with myself and still wasn't good enough... it just seems so pointless to try anymore. Like I won't get anywhere. I'll always lose. my mom is bitching and I'm ready to slam something at her, I'm just beyond pissed today. UGH *goes to vent on something else for a while* xXTOCXx

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Friday, September 15, 2006

nighttime makes me think too much... I love Hannah I really do we're on the phone as i type this we always have the best conversations longest most meaningful conversations. I don't have many people like that... yeah well since im talking to her i need to end this stupid pointless post. xXTOCXx

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

uggh... I've been exhausted ever since Monday. like falling down, weak legs, eyes too heavy to force open, unable to concentrate on anything, FUCKING TIRED. Again, I'm sneaking onto my dad's computer... I can't wait until my momgets home tomorrow, her laptop comes home with her >:( I just found out as well that Dolly, Katie, and Jen all went to FVT on Tuesday. I had no idea, I thought they weren't going. I was planning on maybe going with them a couple weeks ago but they weren't going to go... It's not their fault I guess, I'm just jealous, that's probably all. I feel left out, like all of my friends get to say "yeah i saw them live and met __ and ___" or w/e It's not that I'm like, obsessed with meeting them, I didn't want to go to FVT in the first place. But if they were gonna go I would have liked to have gone with those 3..(well, Jen and Dolly. I'm still mad at the other...person..) And I figure I'll just catch their next solo tour, since the Duel Jewel concert didn't work out (yes i was going to go to one but they are'nt coming) and I Dir didnt come to the FVT in nashville. I'll have to ask my parents if they'll let me go...besides a solo concert is 35509458094543584053 times better. Longer, more energy and effort, less crappy bands I care nothing about, and no people who aren't there to see Dir. I talked to Dolly briefly last night, she made a comment that I hadn't even thought of myself until that moment. She said "I just wish you could have fun for once" and it hit me that I haven't had really any true fun since I had last been in Kentucky. Months and months ago. I didn't even realize that until Dolly said something and I had to let it sink in for a moment before I could actually take it for the truth.. Hmm...I should go...I can't think of anything else to say e_e sorry guys, pathetic short post. here is a picture to make up for it? yeah its a bit belated. tanjoubi omodetou meever~~ i had no idea he was part korean, my friend Crystal told me he was but i didnt believe her. but he is xDDD like either 1/2 or 1/4 i dont quite remember. oh and one more because it was a very VERY special someone's birthday a few days ago too ^^ Isn't his smile ADORABLE? I love this kid xD (okay so he's like...5 or 6 years older than me. shut up xD) my commentary XDD = SHUN IN PINK SHUN IN PINK SHUN IN PINK XDDDDD *happy dance* Hayato turns ghetto....I see london, I see france...WTF LMAO Val and Yuya = badass bodyguards yo natsuki looks so adorable as always XD he reminds me of a puppy :B yeah that made me slightly happier xD OH i almost forgot. PE was fucking HELL. i didnt know we had the gym today i thuoght it was health, so i wore my thick platforms. And like 7 or 8 other girls, basically all girls except 3, didnt dress out either and the fucking coach was a total fucking ASSHOLE and made us walk back and forth until the other kids left for lunch. Then he lectures us on how we all lied and he basically thinks we conspired to do this. Like it was a plan. Fucking dick, I was so exhausted already, like I said earlier in this post, that I kept almost falling asleep leaning on the wall. gah enough enough. baii guys xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

blahhh yesterday and today was horrible... like severely horrible. Today worse though. Ew. I got called out of class to the office in first period Art because evidently I was tardy for class 4 times and like, NEVER knew about it. I didn't even know I had ONE tardy. We're allowed three tardies to first period before we're written up, and we're not allowed any tardies at all to our other classes before we're written up. But anyway, the principal gave me detention anyway and said I had to convince my teacher to pass the tardies away before I could get out of it. I was so pissed I had to FORCE myself not to start screaming at the principal or my teacher. I know they could tell I was angry though, I walked back to Art, though everyone had been moved to second period by then, and waited for the teacher to get there. As soon as she showed up I asked her when have I EVER been tardy, and it was so hard not to start yelling and screaming, and my eyes had started to well up because I do NOT get in trouble. I do NOT get And she told me I had three this week, and one from last month. I was so confused. So then I had to go get a pass to get to 2nd block. I showed up and ended up throwing my messenger bag at my desk. But then I remembered that I have a lot of these passes that we get in art, and if you have 3 then you get a free tardy. I had to keep my tears down, because I'll admit I was terrified, I didn't want a detention on my record and I didn't want to get into trouble. So I asked our substitute in that class if i could go back and talk to my teacher, and she let me. and I did, in the end, convince her to take away the tardies. I had 6, which means I should have had only 2 taken off, but she took off 3 and said it was because "I'm a good girl and I am an excellent art student". But for some reason I was still really down all day, especially by 3rd period. We had a speaker on eating disorders in there today...and anyone who knows me from last summer knows I had issues with this, and hearing her talk about her own eating disorder and all sorts of symptoms made me think of myself and again I almost started to fucking cry. I am scared of crying in school, so I swallowed it down again. Just a bad day e_e *sigh* and this kid wants me to go to church with him tonight. I'm not christian. And I hate going to church, I've been to it at least 50 times in the past and I really hate it. I am REALLY uncomfortable in churches...and I promised him I'd go just because he really wanted me to but in all actuality I really don't want to and especially not now. I don't feel good and I'm not in a good mood and I know I'll get in big trouble for SOMETHING. uumm... what else... oh. quote of the day people--- "I'm a fawking rawkstaa beetch" xDDD I LOVE YOUR ENGRISH, DIE *dies laughing* oh and I got straight As, first time in my entire LIFE, on our mid-semester progress report. This is only because I have easy classes this semester: Art, English 2 honors, Wellness, Spanish 1 standard. So I'm doing well, but next semester I have biology and algebra 1 and I'm going to DIE. ;_; okay that's enough rants, I'm sorry I wish I could bring more interesting things to share D: xXTOCXx

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Monday, September 11, 2006

NATSUKI'S BIRTHDAY!!!!! that is all because im on dads computer mom is out of town and took her laptop new moniter for me soon!!! baibai xXTOCXx

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Sunday, September 10, 2006

I bring you pics from my birthday xD (BELATED)

WHOOO I LICKED JAPAN ;D (haha jk jk) THE BLUR!! THE BLUR!!! (i is ghetto xD) This one was okay :o but my makeup was smeared a bit x[ Zhouuuu :D my hot asian boyfriend. adhur. lmao! (no really it's Jen ._. ....) i miss when we were all happy with eachother lie that :( hmmm...yeah...I know. They're intelligent. BAHAHA I found these in my photobucket xDD I had to share it brought back memories I hadn't thought of in months ^^ xXTOCXx

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Saturday, September 9, 2006

warning, this is one huge hormone-brought-on rant on my stupidity.

>:[ i can't fucking draw. again. I drew Teruki yesterday (ancafe) for Nicole. And he still lacks a mouth because the picture was so small that I couldn't see the mouth detail and I keep having trouble whenever I attempt it. And then today I tried to draw Bou. I fucked up his pretty little face. Ugh. Why can't I draw today DDD: It's because of his stupid light hair (okay it's actually not stupid, it's very very cute hair but that's irrelevant). I can NOT draw his light hair, I'm used to drawing dark hair because I don't know it's just easier. And blonde hair is so difficult to draw because the pencil is...dark ._. UGH fuck *kicks sketchbook* It used to have 70 sheets of paper but I ripped so many out because I can't FUCKING DRAW that it now has about 15. And only 3 are blank -_- I have another 70-sheet sketchbook that I haven't touched yet... but I'm scared to use it. I keep fucking up :( Everyone always tells me how good of an artist I am but really that's only people who can't draw anything in the first place. Not that that's a bad thing, I'm just saying...when you don't know what "good" really is you'll say that about anything that is better than what you can do. Like...ugh. The reason I have so little sketches is because I throw them all away because I so severely hate them. I'm too much of a perfectionist and I get frustrated and it'll look good while I'm drawing it and then when i set it down and come back to it later I think "what the FUCK why does it look like such SHIT" I'm so SICK of it. I can't get any good practice in because I throw everything away, rip it up, wad it into a ball, whatever. and then when I finally start to think "well i guess I am pretty good at this..." I see one of my artistic friends (i have PLENTY, trust me, who can draw AMAZING). and I'm just like "....." because then I feel like i'm inadequate and stupid. and I feel like a little kid handing my mother a finger painting, thinking it's the greatest thing on earth when it's really a piece of crap. FUCK. i feel like such an oblivious moron. Yes I'm saying fuck a lot. it makes me feel better. Fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. FUCK. There. I said it. Maturity is not a factor right now. I do not care.And you're probably going to hear it a lot more in the rest of the post. I feel just SO stupid...what the FUCKING hell. Every "talent" I thought I had is just stupid and always looks like crap. I'm supposed to be a "great artist" and a "great writer" according to my family, who fucking decides they need to BRAG about me every chance they get and then I'm forced to show my sketches of utter crappiness to people I don't even know, or my other relatives. and while they are thinking and saying "oh you're so good!" I'm thinking "yeah I'll bet you can't even draw a fucking stick figure so how would you know what 'good' is...." it's mean and I don't actually think in that context normally, so forgive me. but honestly...and when my friends who I know are better than me say something like 'oh that's good' then I'm thinking "liar" D< why the fuck can't I ever take a compliment?!?! Is that really rude of me? not to be able to take them? I just barley realized this, it wasn't even meant to be in this post but ....fuck, SERIOUSLY I never take compliments well. The only thing I know how to reply with is "...oh..thank you" and usually give a small smile. But I never believe anyone anymore. If I'm told I'm pretty I'm like "yeah right." If I'm told I'm a good artist I think "Mmhmm..." If I'm told anything like that I just can't believe them. I'm seriously asking this, it's not a ritorical question, is it RUDE of me? because I honestly don't intend to react that way I'm just so shy...I don't like to hear compliments... not to my face anyway. Because then people always think I'm stuck up since I don't talk to them. I'm not a stuck up bitch, I swear, I just don't like to talk much to people I don't know or don't like. and if people bother me and talk to me a lot when I'm...say...sitting down at lunch, not eating anything like usual, drawing or doing homework, and i have headphones in my ears on full blast, and they just fucking come up and start talking to me... but fuck can't they SEE that I'm a bit preoccupied? I know it's just them wanting to initiate a conversation, but what's so interesting about me that they have to come bug someone they don't even know. and I'm obviously not in the mood to talk if I'm completely absorbed in something else and they can HEAR my music blaring from where they are sitting. And then when they say "hi" or something I'll take out one earphone, smile, say "hi" and then put it back in. Maybe I'm the rude one? Oh god I dont even know anymore... am I just a rude bitch and don't see it because I AM stuck up or what? FUCKGRBLIGBKLGTBGLBGJLGFBLGBGLK hormones make me angry >:( yeah sorry guys...rambling about myself again... I'm just in a bad mood... which I should have sensed considering I woke up feeling really nice and not screamy or anything. fuck. again I'll say it. FUCK. xXTOCXx

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Friday, September 8, 2006

Ugh today was kind of blahhh But this morning omg I was SO happy. I was standing in the lobby of the school and I was wearing my X Japan shirt with hide on the front and talking to someone, and this girl runs up to me and goes "I love your shirt!!! hide rocks!!" and I went O_________O and like, hugged her to death. We talked until the bell rang and I had to literally RUN to class since 1st period is across the campus. She loves Kaoru, and she fucking saw DLQ, lucky whore!!!! We're definitely talking more, she seems nicer and not whorey than most "friends" I've made. i hope I'm not just getting my hopes up, but she really did seem very nice. She's a freshman, hahaaa none of my friends that I LIKE are really my age xD a few, yeah, but most are either younger or older...MUCH older in some cases O_O But by the time third period rolled around, which was Gym today...I was SOOO hoping me and my partner wouldnt have to play badminton today since we played literally ALL period last time we had gym :( then we had to play and I was like -_- *siiiiigh* but I wasn't really that mad, I figured I'd just get it overwith. the girls we had to play against were total whores. They kept whispering and looking at us and were s erving like fucking WUSSES, just so we couldn't hit it. they would like, tap it so it would fall just over the serve line, or they would hit it so hard RIGHT at me or him (my partner) that I had no time to hit it, it would go whizzing past my head, like BARELY missing me. so I was getting PISSED off, and I have PMS really bad so I was already VERY irate. And I kept spiking it right at them >( we won, so me and my partner walked off to the bleachers, I was grumbling about "fucking wussyass serves" the whole time, and he was laughing. But THEN not more than about 2 minutes after I sat down, the coach comes over and says something like: "the only match I have scheduled is for team #4 and #13 (me and my partner are team #13.), but if you guys don't want to play you can sit here." i'm about to just go "I'm staying" but my partner goes "We're in :D" and I screamed "EXCUSE ME?!" and we argued for a minute before I finally just jumped off the bleachers and stormed over to the court. We were teamed up against this tiny little kid and a huge tall kid o_o And one of them served to me and I ended up spiking it and nearly smashing the little kid in the face (hey, i wasnt aiming for him, and he moved anyway e_e). They all went oO;; and could obviously tell I was pissed. I kept leering and screaming at them to hurry the fuck up, which was mean but I wasn't worried about it, I was just really mad at the time and thus not thinking very correctly... So THEN, the same thing happened that had happened LAST time we played. We had to finish the game, nearly 5 minutes after everyone else had left to get dressed. I threw down my racket when we were 13 to 14 (game ends when someone scores 15) and just bitched out one of them for being an ass, then told them I quit and sat there and watched. Then coach made me pick it back up so i just held it and then when we left I slammed it into the bin where the rackets are kept. Yeah I've been a total bitch today :( Oh did I mention-- my partner accidentally smacked me in the eye with his racket? There is a small bruise at the outer corner/bottom rim of my right eye now. he apologized fervently and i wasn't mad at HIM but it certainly heated me up a bit. Ugh I need midol or something -_-;; Yeah so anyway... I know I passed both my English and Spanish tests today :) that makes me excited. OH OH OH!!!! My friend Nicole is on exchange in Osaka, she is friends with my friend shae, they both live in Michigan normally. and anyway Nicole sent me a HUGE thick envelope full of drawngs and letters and I just got it yesterday, straight from Japan!!!!!!!!!! ^_^ I literally ran to the mailbox when my mom told me I had a letter from Osaka in it. And I have one of her drawings, my favorite one she sent to me, in the back cover of my binder. She is SO good. she draws anime so well, in her own style too, not like..."conventional" anime. I'm so extremely jealous. I love that girl though, I'm working on making her a big thick envelope of stuff ^_^ But then I think "oh god i suck, she's so good, UGH" So I'm gonna try to draw her Miku this weekend, she loves miku xD umm...that's about it. i've been in a really crappy mood since gym, but it keeps changing. mood swings BIG TIME. and i couldnt really warn the guys I was playing badminton with WHY i was being such a huge bitch, because I'm sure they do not want to know abot my menstrual cycle ._.;; thats it for now xXTOCXx

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Thursday, September 7, 2006

Okay, please read the post I posted earlier this morning. It's fairly short, but it's very importaqnt. I'm watching Pyrokenisis :DDD Japanese movie. It's nice, kehehe. I've seen it a few times before. I love when I can look away from it to type and still get the general idea of what they are saying it makes me so happy because I'm a loser and easily excited Sooo.. hmm... thursday...fun fun fun. I wore a skirt today. It's really big on me so I have to saftey pin it tighter but the safety pins kept on popping out of place and it almost fell off a few times but no one noticed (thank god). Apparently I'm known as "the girl with freaky hair" @@;; and this morning I taught 11-year-olds what bondage was *coughs* what?! they asked!!! <_< Ohhh this guy is cuute :D *points to movie* hmm...yeah anyway... Aww I wish I lived in Cali. I wanna go to this art school in San Jose maybe...if I don't want to go into an art career though maybe I'll go to UCLA... I just wanna go to California. BAD. I know lots of people there (a few are really REALLY cute boys DDDD: *hormones*) and a few are really wonderful friends OH NO DONT KILL HIM HE'S HOT!! OMG NO HE'S ON FIRE NO NO NO NO NO!!! OMG NOOOO YOU RUINED HIS FACE YOU MURDERER!!!!! >:O ......................... o_o......sorry about that... yeah so... I pwn in spanish class. hahaaa. long story short. we played a game. i beat the undefeated. muahaha. There really isn't much else to say... I really need a new moniter soon, it's not just because I want to go on my computer, it's just that I have a LOT of files that I can't access because I can't see the SCREEN >( goddamnit. Sorry guys this was pretty pointless. *sad face* here are a couple more pics to cheer us all up :( yeah umm....i really wasn't going to post this b/c it's from last year (freshman year) like the very beginning of the school year. And I wasn't expecting a picture so i was like :| but!!! everyone look at the string XDD GUESS where I got that from? Hizumi's. Shirt. LMAO Jen and I both caught them because he had this really long fringe that fell off a lot xD; I still have that string in a little box somewhere oO it's my only souvenir of the actual live. BAHAHAHAHAHA XDDDD Layin it down GHETTO bitchezz!!! HAHAHAHAH Die xDD you kill me. At least you can't see his ass in this one (or lack there of). Aw it's okay, Die. we still love you. I'd really like to talk to him someday, just because I know he's fluent in english and I wouldn't have to pick and choose my words carefully like I do with my other asian friends who dont speak it quite fluently (though they are adorable xD). but the poor thing must be so sick of fangirling white chicks by now. I hope they get to go home soon, anyone know when the last tour date is? ...........*geeky giggle/grin* Screencap courtesy of YOURS TRULY. Shun's teefs :B This was from a clip of them snowboarding xDD Val and Natsuki can't snowboard for crap. Shun is good, Yuya is the best at it though....speaking of Yuya... ......*cracking up* xDDD I love those boys. I could go on for hours posting picture after picture but i'm sure you're sick of it by now. D: xXTOCXx

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