Sunday, August 12, 2007

just pictures, no events.

thats my new hair and yeah =| thats the whole feathered piece...originally I intended the purple pieces to be just a solid shade, but somehow they ended up having a faded effect. But I like it. My mom called me a color wheel xD;; left side of my head....isn't too special xD eep. FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL TOMORROW. wish me luck in my junior year~ xXTOCXx

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Saturday, August 11, 2007

My face is icky but it's the best picture of my hair O: (it's REALLY neon @.@) I have a couple of these >:3 It's not finished yet, I'm going to add 2 more colors to it tomorrow ;D For those of you who don't know what colors -- IT'S A SECRET ^^ So you'll find out tomorrow when my hair is finally done!! Timmy made me a very special promise, and it made me so happy that my heart fluttered. He promised me that he'd never make me cry again, and that the only reason I'd shed tears would be happiness. ): He's so sweet, I really love that boy. xXTOCXx

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Thursday, August 9, 2007

I know what has to be done in this situation. Or rather, I know what everyone else wants me to do... Leave. But I just can't. It would break my heart as well as his (merely proving how naive the both of us are). I can't do this. I've just gotten over the stress of everything else, and I don't know how much I can handle. The most I can do is just whine. So bear with me. I have school on Monday. Including many AP and Honors classes that require I put forth extra concentration, or else fail miserabley. I'm so...*sighs* I need to handle this but I don't know if I can. I have a lot to deal with right now, sure not as much as some people, but it's more than enough to keep me more busy than usual. ): I just want everyone to be happy or content at the very least I wish everyone would stop stabbing people in their backs I wish you could get help when you asked for it I wish loneliness was nonexistant I wish I could just make people...feel like smiling again. This weekend I plan on doing wormwood with Rachael. I don't care how dangerous it is, it's legal to buy and I can't get arrested for getting high off of it. It's six dollars for a small bag, all I have to to is put it in a coffee filter, make tea out of it, and I'll be tripping balls. I want to see whatever's locked inside my brain. I want to hallucinate like hell, maybe it will break my artist's block. I want to paint while I'm tripping. I want to see what I can do. I would just drink the rest of her vodka but after last weekend I'm not touching alcohol for a while. xXTOCXx P.S. I just ordered like 5 anime DVDs on netflix. I haven't watched anime in a long time =\ I figure I'll watch some for old times sake.

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Monday, August 6, 2007

I'm sick of being broke. We're at the point of selling things?? Ugh. I'm disgusted. By just...everything. I want to leave, so badly. Everything's been absolutely unbearable the past few days. I've had to keep my boyfriend from hurting himself, and in the process hurting myself. I broke down in my own house, Rachael had to take over on the phone for me. And then I started crying in a Pizza Hut yesterday, but I couldn't let anyone see or I could have gotten Megan in trouble (she works there). I keep trying to convince him to see a new therapist, get better medication since his isn't doing jack shit. I drank too much Saturday night and ended up making out with my 2 best friends. WHO HAPPEN TO BE GIRLS, MIGHT I ADD =_=; Timmy didn't take that too well, but he's not mad at me at least. I feel so bad. My parents feel it necessary to share with me how broke we are. I don't want to hear about bills right now, I don't want to hear that we're selling things for money, I don't want to fucking hear it. I don't care if it's just me running away from the truth, I don't care. I DON'T CARE. I just don't want to hear it, I'm upset enough as it is. I need a job, and I'm hoping so much that Earthbound will call me in for a second interview today. I've been waiting for it for a week. If they don't call I don't know what I'm going to do. My ticking started up again, I'm beginning to think the Zoloft was helping my OCD. Because now that I think about it, I wasn't twitching or tapping things nearly as much as I am now, when I had Zoloft. ): My symptoms (or "rituals" some people prefer to call them) are stress-induced most of the time. And I'm beginning to break out from stress as well. I am not a person who gets zits. You don't understand. I never get breakouts. And I have school in exactly one week. I can't go like this. I just wish everyone else would be happy, so I could be too. I need other peoples' smiles. xXTOCXx

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Friday, August 3, 2007

good news: I'm totally blonde again. bad news: My dad caught me o_O he now knows that I know his password. ...............fuck. xXTOCXx ::edit:: I was on the phone with my baby XD; (I pet name him D: shuddup) >:3 beep. yeeeeeaaah. :D I like it. But I'm putting in more colors next weekend. I MUST HAVE UNNATURAL HAIR D:

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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Recent Sketch?

http://i10.tinypic.com/5xpw5ep.jpg (If I put "img src" html, it fucks up my page....so it's a link.) Totally unfinished. Though since I've scanned it, I've added more. Added on the other leg, fixed a few shading spots, etc. GAHR. I hate my scanner. It scans like crap and I end up having to over-sharpen/contrast any sketches in order to show that they do indeed have texture. But now it's all over-exaggerated, it looks a lot smoother IRL. So it looks like even more ass now that it's scanned. I swear, even though it's not even close to a masterpiece of any kind, it's certainly a lot better looking in person ): *sad* Eep. I lost all my blending sticks. ;_; and I need art pencils. I lost all those too. I have no basis for contrast, all I have are normal #2s. I need some 4B and 6B.... and now that I think of it I need HB and 2B pencils too.... GAH I need to just go buy a big pack of all shades. Shit. Except no charcoal. I hate charcoal. xXTOCXx

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Friday, July 27, 2007

I keep having dreams about serial killers. It's quite unnerving. Last night was...not one of the best. I have to question a lot of things about myself and my newly obtained boyfriend. I love him, as in I care about him more than I'm used to caring about most people. He begs me never to leave him one moment, then pleads me to stop caring about him the next. He wants to let go and insists I'm the only reason he bothers getting up in the morning. He said if I stop caring, it will be easier for him to let go of me because he won't be hurting me. I've never heard a sound like that before, he begged to the air around him for death to come. He was sobbing and apologizing and kept telling me over and over how sorry he was that I got involved with him. ): I don't know what to do. I can't leave him as he is, and I don't really want to -- though I wouldn't be human if I don't admit that I'd considered it, even for the split second that I did. He needs help I only wish I could give him. And I don't know what to do or how to help. I never know what he's going to do. One day he'll be planning all sorts of things he wants to do for his future and setting goals and dates and everything. And the very next night he'll keep repeating how much he detests life and how dull everything is. I can't hold this against him, but it terrifies me. I tried my best to be as strong as I could so he wouldn't feel guilty, but after about 20 minutes he figured out I was crying on the other line. I wanted to scream at him because, internally, I was panicking. I was desperate and my brain was rushing faster than my mouth could keep up anyway. What have we gotten ourselves into. xXTOCXx

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Thursday, July 26, 2007

XDDDDDDD

I'm watching Return of the Living Dead with my dad and laughing my ass off. XDD oh lord. Anyway I found clothes I want to order but... gah D: Japanese brands...i have to wear an XL. Because my bust is 40-42" and the L bust in Japanese sizes only goes up to 38" Dx damn it. and people wonder why I hate my body type? Anyone who wishes for bigger boobs needs to die. Seriously. I hate them, you can take mine!! Dx xXTOCXx

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Awwwww I was on the phone with Timmy because he called me on his lunch break today, and he started speaking Mandarin with one of his coworkers and all I heard was "Girlfriend" and "tennessee" x3 I asked him when he was done what he was talking about and he was all "they asked me who I was talking to." ;__; Awwwww. I'm such a sap. I called him just now but he may be in the shower or at Tai Chi because he didn't answer his cell. I dunno O: Anywayyyys, ummm... bleh. Suzanne and Megan spent the night last night. O: and we hung out all day yesterday. Pictures? I look like I'm gonna assasinate Suzanne @__@ Megan fweee...yes its the same slide. My shirt kicks ass. Don't deny it. xXTOCXx

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Saturday, July 21, 2007

Accidentally deleted my last post @_@

So as it is -- I am now officially the girlfriend of this raging dumbass O: >-< That word is still hard for me to say :x "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" I think I'm still in a disbelieving kind of shock xDDDDDDDDDD ANYWAY I'm babysitting and I can't spend all my babysitting time in the basement on the computer -- so I better get upstairs and make sure Rachael's sister isn't dying XD xXTOCXx That was it. I don't know how I managed to delete it but I did o_O;; Anyway I got my Harry Potter book last night 8D whee. XDD *nerd* I was drunk as hell at the Harry Potter thing at Books-A-Million. I was with like 4 people when we got there, but near the end of the night about 4 more of my friends accumulated there. I was the only drunk one but that's b/c Ahrahm was going to drink, but all we had was whiskey. I hate whiskey normally, but I had Dr. Pepper as a chaser. Despite the fact that I hate soda normally, I really wanted to be drunk @@;; But as the night went on I just got more and more upset because there were 2 people there I really really didn't like and they were mean to me while I was drunk. Now -- I'm not trying to put blame on anyone...but I take things more personal when I'm drunk. Especially since I wasn't hammered, I was only drunk enough to fall over. So I ended up crying a lot but no one really noticed because I didn't want to make everyone even more mad at me. Mitch and Sarah were fine with me being drunk;;; Most people don't know how to handle me because I'm really loud and I fall over and lay wherever I land. That's basically all I do. I don't get angry, I rarely get upset (with the exception of this because I didn't like the people around me), I just giggle and have to be assisted with walking. But I guess that's annoying...? D: I don't know. I just couldn't wait to get home. I was really quiet the rest of the night because I didn't want to piss anyone off anymore. Megan was being mean to me too )< Argh. I really am getting sick of her. I swear. OH! I almost forgot. The reason Ahrahm decided not to drink was b/c when she took her first shot (we were drinking in the bed of Mitch's truck) she choked (it was really strong whiskey Dx) and ended up tipping over the bottle and spilling it everywhere. Including my pants. I smelled sooo strongly of liquor for the rest of the night, I'm pretty sure anyone who passed me could easily figure out I was drunk. I just smelled more drunk than I really was, so they kept treating me like I was retarded =A=;; It was a crappy night. ANYWAY.... Rachael stayed with me last night, we were going to go to Megan's tonight so we could drink because Megan's mom is beyond stupid and we always sneak down to her pool to do anything...but Megan never asked so we can't now -_-;; So I'm waiting for Rachael to get off work now...expecting a really boring night. *sighs* good night, everybody~ xXTOCXx

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