Tuesday, June 27, 2006

*watching my Duel Jewel acen 03 vid* xDDD fuck man I can be in the WORST of moods and I will be dancing in happiness just 5 minutes into this ^________^ They are the cutest things ever xDD *giggling like mad* So after the failed dentist appt, my dad took me to get my permits but i need a paper from my new school first so i just picked up my DMV book to start studying early! And uhhh yeah so I'm gonna go finish wathcing my video (OMG shun laughs so silly xDDD i wanna SQUEEZE the life outta him) *dying of laughter*im laughing too hard, it's part midnight i had better shut up xDD xXTOCXx

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Monday, June 26, 2006

;-; okay soo.... i took my valum this morning before i went ot the dentist and it worked fine for a while...I was laughing at the air and running into things and falling down stairs and whatnot... then when i got to the dentist office it all wore off. I was slurring my words like I was drunk b/c my face felt heavy but that's about it... I was shakign so hard the light attached to the chair was moving and when they put me on the oxygen before the gas my mom had to hold my hands to keep them from shaking. She made me put my headphones back on and it helped a tiny bit but I left one out because I'm paranoid and i have to hear what's going on. So D'espairs Ray and Miyavi helped me the best...to calm me down. But even after they turned the gas on I was crying (involuntarily). I kept having to open my mouth to breathe b/c I was hyperventilating so hard, and my mom kept reminding me to breathe through my nose and I was trying but it was so hard b/c I was trying not to cry but if I breathed through my nose I could ry harder. It was silent crying because I was too scared and numb all over from the gas to make much noise, I have to mumble again. The assistant came in and was like "aawww ToT are you okay, hun?" b/c she saw my mascara running down my face. She told me I could stay on the gas as long as I needed to to calm down, and it shouldnt take more than 10 minutes of it before I was out cold. My dad came in then from work b/c my mom had called hima nd told him to come so I wouldn't freak out as much. And he was holding my hand and I was still hyperventilating and crying and they both kept trying to calm me down but it wouldnt work. The assistant was wrong...b/c listening to Meev I was in a half asleep state for about 30 seonds to a minute, then i heard my mom say something to her about the needle and my eyes popped open and my mind was alert again. The assistant told me she was surprised I was still awake because normally people would be unconscious with all the gas they were pumping into my system and for how long I'd been on it. My body was heavy and I coudl barely only twitch it...but my mind was so awake and alert. All I could do was cry and squeeze my dad's hand. It was like wanting to scream. Knowing I was about to be in so much pain but I couldn't scream and couldn't move and couldn't do anything. I felt so helpless and vulnerable. So even after 30 minutes of drugging me up on valum, and the gas. They said I was way too nervous and my body was trying to accept the gas but my brain woudln't let it work. so they said I should probably come back in about a week and they would have to literally sedate me HEAVILY. Ugh I feel so horrible ;-; My parents have to pay for me being too scared of needles. It was just that every time I started to doze off the memory of being stuck over and over and again and again and the light in my eyes and my breathign starting to slow and they all came at once and it was so vivid I would snap out of even THINKING about sleep. Like immediately. The amount of drugs they used on me should have knocked out anyone in 10 minutes flat. I was just too fucking petrified to let myself go away ;-; fuck xXTOCXx

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Sunday, June 25, 2006

o_o omg I feel so fat NEVER-- I repeat-- NEVER try on swimsuits right after eating. Because after you eat your stomach swells just a tiny bit ~___~'' And as it turns out, I had grabbed a number of cute bikini tops (which I wear with shorts b/c i hate my legs anyway <_<) and though the smallest ones fit FINE around my ribcage or w/e that is, my STUPID CHEST DOES NOT FIT IN THOSE THINGS!! *growls* I hate big boobs *leers downward* yeah so anyway, now that I'm sure you're glad to know that. My mom and I (we make up fast, more like we both just pretend nothing happened to avoid killing eachother) are going to go back later to some other places so I can find something.... So I'm thinking while she is napping before we go I'll go walk a little bit to try and work off what I ate this morning so there is nothing to make me look chubby o.o My TV turns on by itself around 4:15 or so AM -.- So for the past 3 days I've been waking up around 5:00 or 6:00 or 6:30 and OMG I'm still tired from waking up so early x____x OMG OMG OMG BUT :DDDDDDDDD yesterday we went up to check out the other pool on the other side of our complex and I was waiting for my parents to finish checking out the weight room by the pool. and i was leaning against the fence when a GROUP of (HOTASS) Asian guys walked by me in loose Tshirts and swim trunks. At first i didnt pay attention but then my brain went "HELL-O!!" and my eyes went O_O and I turned and watched as a couple of them jumped in without their shirts on x____x oh god it was heaven I was pissed b/c I looked like crap but I was too in-shock to move XDDDDDD I'm such a hormonal boy-chaser T-T *sigh* oh oh and they oculdn't haveb een older than 16 or so- so I'm guessing I'll see atl east a couple of them in school next year O.O *sweats* they had little kids with them too ^o^ they were so cute I was trying to listen and see if they were speaking english or something else, and I swear I thought I heard something Asian but the other (less important o.o'') people in the pool were TOO FUCKING LOUD =o=; KYAHAHAHAAHAHAH *dying laughing* I'm so immature xDDD I just remembered a bunch of REALLY RAUNCHY Japanese slang for like...no reason LMAO omg xDD I think it's b/c I always let my Japanese slip when I'm shopping or something, ill screech "aa! kore kakkoii ne!" and run across the store to w/e it was i was talking about lol My parents just go =____='' *Sweatdrop* But they HAVE to love me 9o9 Oh yes, you can expect me to start rambling in Japanese at a skirt or something when I go to the mall later xDDD Yeah so anyway...past that... I need to change my clothes and go for a walk with the dog and my mp3 player *sigh* ._. omg please don't let me run into those guys looking like this ;-; I have like hardly any makeup on and I am not going to PUT makeup on to go for a walk, I'm not THAT bad. So I hope they dont come out this early ;-; I'm off @___@ *waves blankly* xXTOCXx ::Edit:: pictures for you pleasure ne :D?? PS all these were taken by ME (screencaps muhahaha) IT'S MY CUPCAKE [copywright - Cryz] 8DDD SHUN-SAMA IS SO CUTE XDDDD (he's the one holding up the ears ._.) Yuya says "wha?" xD Haha there you go, Momo-chan lmao Kyo's hot even when he has the monster of all...smoking-holes...*shifty eyes* (HAHA i dont know what they're called xDD) *Sigh* .-. Due le Quartz. Miyabi was so hot. and i mean like...SO FUCKING HOT O___O I wonder if he was a spazzy as he is now *shifty eyes* ahahahaa....I don't think I should be thinking the naughty things I'm thinking about short sweaty worn-out haido-san xDD;;; considering he's like...married and a father and all ._.;;; *wahcks head* STOP IT

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Saturday, June 24, 2006

dir en grey in LA...so long ago

omg I am shaking so hard right now I'm trembling and I feel like my stomach just did a 180 oh my god... that's all I can think of... It's been nearly 2 months since the wiltern...right? Which I did not attend... god... I just read this report of the live that I haven't read since probably a week after the live had occured... and I started trembling so hard that my breath came out in short shaky gasps.. I have goosebumps all over my body... I am still so angry at myself for missing this... god *closes eyes and bangs head on desk* How can I still be mad at myself after so long? My god... oh my god.... *holds stomach* I can barely breathe.. i'm just so angry for missing it!! I always will be and whats worse is that my parents are the only thing holding me back... Everyone complains about their parents... there are worse than mine out there but I don't know them.. I only know the ones I have... my mom yelled at me and called me a selfish lazy bitch tonight just b/c she stepped in cat vomit (yeah i know its gross but that is beyond the point) and i wouldnt clean it off of her foot -.- b/c its my cat, so of course its my fault. that is irrelevant to my post but i had to say it b/c its been driving me crazy that she actually argued with me for 10 minutes and ugh yeah anyway I'm going to go rot in my bed for a while GODFUCKINGDAMNIT I CANT BELIEVE I MISSED IT sweet dreams all... this is alayna...dwelling in past regrets... ~___~ *sigh* (PS - yes my stomach is still shaking and i feel as if I'm going to just puke out my internal organs and die...)

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Friday, June 23, 2006

Hmm It seems I just don't know what to post anymore It seems kind of reptitive after a while. I can't wait to move out :o I know it is what every teenager says but it's not to get away from my parents (though that is a perk as well), it's just..I don't know, to feel like I'm not being controlled. I still will be (thank you government) but at least I won't feel as much so... I want to be prettier. I make it blunt because there is no beating around the bush about it. I'm sick of being ashamed of my appearance constantly. I'm extremely sick of being so envious of my prettier friends. I know what you're thinking, ne? "Just do something about it then!" Yeah...how many times have I said I will? Goddamnit I just need to take CONTROL. I don't know how to say this without sounding pathetic. And either way I'm going to hate myself more afterwards. But I have longed for someone to love for ages. How gei does that sound? Jezzus I'm pathetic. So many crushes (okay not many, but a few is enough to invoke hatred towards love in all its forms). And so many of them go to shit. I suppose, perhaps, it will be much easier to find the guy I'm looking for when I'm pretty enough to not have to work twice as hard. I know, you shouldn't want a guy who just thinks you're pretty right? And that's just it. I don't want a guy like that. But I DO want to be satisfied with myself. I don't want to feel like I'm failing him by looking...like this. I can't be happy until I am pretty enough to be satisfied. That is how my mind works. So materialistic, I should be ashamed. But it is. If I look in the mirror and actually, genuinely smile because I think -- hey I actually look pretty for once! then that is when I'll be happy enough to go on. again, that is what my min thrusts into every other veign, everyo ther nerve ending in my body. Be pretty = be happy. I know that's not true. But I also know it will help -- as most of my unhappy moments and days are due to my lack of self confidence. And my lack of self confidence comes mostly from not being attractive enough in my eyes. From being ashamed of myself. I honestly don't know how this turned into such a long and rather....horrible rant... so for that I apologize -- but I let my hands go free, free of restraint-- and this is what came out. THAT is what came out. I hope no one minds me thoughtless rambling ._. *sigh* So much angsty stupid shoujo manga drama bullshit... I need pictures... just to clarify -- that was me in february. Back before I was this hideously fat (okay a bit of an exaggeration) but still then I wasn't happy with myself. *grimaces* *grimace again*....yeah...this is me now. Am I the only one to see the flaws? *sigh* it always seems so...perhaps I am...ugh.... God I just wish I didn't have to look anymore... I feel like I'm lying to everyone I pour myself out to on here...I do know I don't look as terrible in pictures as I do in person...so this tiny comparison I am making is pointless... *siiigh* Aiiya....Zero-sama...you make me feel a little better inside...*small smile* Shun-sama...you make my worries flutter away...just thinking of all the happiness I shared with them of which seems so long ago...the happiness you helped me obtain... I thank you for this, always. If only you knew... This is Shin Koyamada. He was an actor in The Last Samurai, and a very VERY gorgeous one if I do say so myself. He is also starring in a Disney original TV movie...something "wendy Wu" i dont even know. I watched half of it because Shin was in it. And I think Shin is beautiful. Enough said. hideto-sama, he was such an adorable thing, wasn't he? I suppose we will never know the truth about the fateful night that ended his life...sadly to say. ahaha...Kaoru...one of the only members of Dir en grey I could remember when I first discovered them. *giggles* Ahhh that seems so long ago... Again...I offer my deepest of apologies for the random photos and the constant childish complaining, loves. It helped me feel better though.... now maybe I can go to sleep for the night... considering it's 12:42 am.... good night xXTOCXx

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Thursday, June 22, 2006

Current song :: "Dear Mr. President" - P!NK well it is uneventful day today @A@ (hahaha i talk to too many fobby boys xD) My god I love them though I'm talking to one in Cali. he is too cute. His english is adorable lol He is from Taiwan but he moved to the US when he was 12 ^^ he's a sweetie lol I'm such a shameless flirt D: I can't wait to get my hair done I finally can very very soon!!!!! I will soon have $96 which should be more than enough omg i hope it hurriessss now i hafta go gomen ne guys i really hafta work off my FAT X______X xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Late post D: gomen ne

Current song :: "Reila" - Gazette yeah i know, same song as last time 9_9 but this time it's only coincidence, b/c after it switched to this song I decided to update my blog here ^^;; kehehe okay so 12012 going to onicon they are a good band, not one of my faves anymore, but good. My friend is working with them on staff and will buy me a photoset and is gonna tell Hiroaki he is gorgeous for me and give him a hug (also for me) and have them sign the photo set (for me as well LOL) I love that girl *hugs her to death* more pics today okay? ^^ I'm feeling nice enough to share o.o MUAHAHAHAHA XDDDDD I think i developed a thing for Uruha -.- God. damn. it oh oh oh and here is Hiroaki, for those who don't know him. D: He is so beautiful eek i cant wait until october now ^^ I think I'll make them something even though it's totally gei, for my friend to show them :o suggestions? hmmmm what should i do.... okay one last one (this is a very pointless post xD) *laughs ass OOOOOOOOOOOFFF* HAHAHAAAA XDDD omg the first time i read that i laughed so hard i couldnt breathe, and i showed my mom and she laughed but she was just like "oh my god xD" I love it so much kyahahaha okay welll...... baibai o.o? xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: KYAHAHAHAHA XDDD I love my fobby asian guy friends *hearts* sooo cute and speak such adorable broken english lmao omg i wanna hug them all xD *talking to them via msn* muahaha xD *dying* too cute!

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Monday, June 19, 2006

picture-fullness

Dentists office. greaaaat fun -.- [/sarcasm] I had a "surprise appointment" today. my dad tells me he told me when he made it. i think he makes things up. because i do not remember anyone telling ME ._. So basically they just took X-rays and cleaned my teeth. The assistant was very nice. She teased me a lot but she was funny so it's okay lol. She kept teasing me about putting my hair in my face =o= That is just natural for me, I don't even think about it ._. They had this little camera they put in my mouth and it would show up on the tv xDD It was amusing lol. I have to go back on Monday next week to get like 7 cavities filled x____x BAD BAD BAD TEEEEEEFS D: But the good news is-- *shifty eyes* They're putting mr on Valum (sp?) x_______X it's like this pill, for those who do not know, and it's pronounced like "volume" except instead of the "o" you say a long a sound...valyoom...xD sounds like that yeah lol. And technically they are not allowed to put me all the way to sleep since im under 18, but they CAN make me stoned as fuck 8D lmao So ima be high as a kite come 7 days from now muhahahaha. the nitrus oxide (laughing gas) does absolutely NOTHING to me expect make me a little fucked up. But it makes me more sensitive I think, b/c I can like...see the air and stuff x_x and novacaine is a joke. it NEVER EVER EVER works on me. It makes me numb, except when they start working on me -.- and then all my past dentists decide that maybe if it didnt work the FIRST 10 times they stuck me in the SAME spot, they stick me again it'll work. *rolls eyes* but these new dentists i have here are great so im not very worried about it... i just hope that stuff works as good as they said. @_@ I want to be on the BRINK of reality, here, people. lol So yeah that's about it .-. nothing too major for me lately...lol here I don't believe i have done this in a LONG time, how about a picture of the day hm? ^_^ xDDD haha yes, my momo-chan. This is for you as well. Kyo's yummy hips swaying like that x___X god I think that even gives ME a boner O_O;;; (ps guys....in case no one knows...im a chick XD) and one more since that is TECHNICALLY a gif image...and im sorry i know it's huge ;-; This was my desktop like....last week haha. it's still Duel jewel now, just a different picture ^^; xXTOCXx ::edit:: I had to add a picture of Uruha after watching Silly God Disco again xDD I'm sorry but this man's thighs are absolutely DELICIOUS!!! O_O

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Sunday, June 18, 2006

current song :: Reila - Gazette

So I'm beginning to see the signs... the omens... that I don't think I'll ever see them again. Plans with Hannah were cancelled no less than 30 minutes ago... at no fault of anyone else... the odds just were not in our favor.. though I have to be honest, I had a feeling this would happen. It always does. At least this time I didn't get too worked up about her coming... at the expense of it all... I didn't even know it was fathers day this month. I feel so guilty. So ignorant and just selfish and stupid. I haven't wished my dad any good will all day... I just can't. It's not that I don't want to... and i know no one will get this because I can't describe this the way I wish I could but... I can't say it. I just can't. Saying things like that make me uncomfortable. I think I'd rather show it... but he wouldn't get it. He would assume I just don't feel he deserves it or something... anyway... I've fallen in love with this song. I was never a big Gazette fan but... this song is so beautiful to me, I don't know why. I love it to death. It is helping my mood for the better... xXTOCXx ...god I miss them all so much...

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Saturday, June 17, 2006

FUUUUUUUUUCK D: *cry* I set a prerecorded on Unleashed on TV the day before yesterday so I could watch it today. And I was waiting all day to watch it and finally woke up this morning and bolted to the TV and it turns out we DIDNT HAVE THAT MOVIE CHANNEL. THEN WHY THE FUCK DID IT LET ME RECORD ON IT?!?!?! Fucking *insert stream of cusswords* -.- Now I'm just pissed. *seethes in corner* Hannah is coming down on Monday and staying for a week so I may not update next week much at all. Prewarning. If you'll excuse me I have people on myspace i need to reply to soo..... byebye xXTOCXx

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