Monday, March 13, 2006

I apologize for the late post--

I'm having very bad issues outside of my internet life right now. School, friends, it feels like everything is trying to dig a hole into my head and my skin. And every time I try to do something to make it better the hole gets deeper and darker. I'm very confused right now. I don't know exactly what to do... I apologize if anyone has talked to me lateyl and I have seemed out of it or something... I also apologize to all my friends. I have not been very active in commenting. I'm getting lazy. That is all it is. take care all xXTOCXx

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Current Song - Pink Cherry; by Panic*CH

I love this song :hearts: It always makes me smile ^_^ it is just so happy and it makes me think of my best friends... I miss them terribly, as I am sure I've said millions of times before... Ugh...okay I have to say this in order to explain an event in my day. It's hard for me because frankly I do not like to broadcast this to everyone but... okay basically.... I have cut myself, I used to do it way too much about a year ago and I thought I had stopped since I hadn't dont it in a while but the urge comes back. and the point is I have done it recently. And anyway, this girl Mya who rides my bus and thinks we are friends (i cant stand her but im nice anyway -sigh-) ripped off my armwarmer one day b/c i had kinda winced when i hit my arm on something and I stood there with ym mouth hanging open, refraining from bitch-slapping the FUCK out of her and running off. I still cannot believe she did it. And then TODAY I had my arm resting on the top of the bus seat (the one w/o the um...the...you know) and she grabs it, looks at it then when she finds nothing she grabs at my other arm and i finally realizd what she was doing and ripped it back and she was like "how's uyour arms been lately?" I mean fucking christ, people, I hardly even know this chick!! She thinks I am one of her friends who likes to brag about tis sort of thing! I AM QUITE THOUROUGHLY ASHAMED OF IT! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT ABOUT IT!! -mutters- oh fuck. this kid just called me and said he found my cell phone. He must have looked up a number. Shit...i must have dropped it at school. Well at least he didnt steal it and was nice enough to call and tell me about it... I asked him to bring it to the office on Monday...I will have to go get it then. Thank the gods someone found it who won't steal it. I just hope Hannah doesn't call it... I'll have to call her tonight on my dad's phone and tell her not to. Anyway... -sigh- yeah that was my day. Weekend. Yay. I have to finish up that 15-pg fucking report -.- xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, March 8, 2006

;__;

Oh my gods...last night I found this video on youtube...of X Japan doing Forever Love at their last live...and it is so extremely sad, I started sobbing my eyes out the first 30 seconds. Yoshiki loses it about 10 times and just sobs and has to stop playing the piano for a minute at one point...and at another point in mid-song Toshi and he just hug eachother and cry for about 10 seconds. I couldn't take it without crying my eyes out. I watched it numerous times-- and EVERY time I did-- I just cried.. If you are an X fan, I highly suggest you watch this. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ex2z2154cHc&search=japan%20forever%20love%20xjapan nothing much else I can say. im SO anxious to go to KY for spring break!! im just having $$ problems since Im giving about $30 to RAG (duel jewel official fanclub).... damn RAG...lol xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, March 7, 2006

::current song:: Orenji no Taiyou - Gackt/HYDE duet

I love this song. It's the full version. So beautiful... Anyway school sucked. I didn't get Japan for my geography report I was beyond pissed off. I freaked on the teacher and he hardly even listened. And the bitch who DID get Japan wouldnt trade with me even though he said we could. You know what "country" i did get? Okinawa -_- OKI-FUCKING-NAWA IS AN ISLAND/PREFECTURE IN JAPAN! idiot... oh well at least it's Japan right? I can always sneak in information about Harajuku, I was planning on having pages of like Harajuku and Jrock and cosplay but that stupid bitchface wouldn't trade me -.- Yeah...I'm still mad. WE got to play with chemicals in science. Okay not really PLAY but you get the idea. It was interesting...I still wanna kill that fat kid with the crush on me though -.- Yeah that was my day, the abbreviated version. Weeeeee, ne? -rolls eyes- -sings to Orenji no Taiyou even though i suck and i dont care-

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Sunday, March 5, 2006

i have to stop working myself up over things...

i think all my lonliness from missing my friends in Kentucky is channeling itself into desperation. I get upset over the dumbest things lately. If someone i think I may like, online, yes ONLINE, doesnt talk to me or something I get upset. Like i said. Desperation. It's making me sick. I think the only reason I'm having a boyfriend-longing life right now is b/c I don't have friends to focus that sort of energy on. It's like if I have my best friends I am distracted and happy, so the boyfriend factor only takes up a small portion of my mind. But without them it's just... like this. Moody. Upset. Desperate. Ugh.... driving me nuts.... gods i miss them so much....

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Saturday, March 4, 2006

Sneaking on the computer again~~

My dad put a password on here ages ago, thinking it could keep me off here while he was at work. hahahaha.... evidently he never found out I could hack past it VERY easily XDDD Anyway, I'm sorry to all who have signed my guestbook and not gotten a signing back from me. I would say i have been to busy but that would be lying, I just haven't really been in the mood lately... Anyway I guess I have nothing interesting to say lol. I just wanted to let everyone know i am not dead... xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, March 1, 2006

hmmm interesting..this is extremely accurate.....

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 50% Stability |||||| 26% Orderliness |||||||||||| 50% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56% Intellectual |||||||||| 36% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Religious |||||| 23% Hedonism |||| 16% Materialism |||||||||||||| 56% Narcissism |||| 16% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||||| 30% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||| 23% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth |||| 16% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||| 36% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Peter pan complex |||||||||| 36% Physical security |||||||||||| 43% Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 63% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70% Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test personality tests by similarminds.com trait snapshot: paranoid tendencies, irritable, anxious, fidgety, dependent, worrying, emotionally sensitive, prone to regret, depressed, second guesses self, somewhat fragile, dislikes change, prefers organized to unpredictable, suspicious, phobic, craves attention, not a risk taker, low self control, very sensitive to criticism, unadventurous, does not make friends easily, defensive, obsessive, low self esteem

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Icky icky day...

I've been like...obsessed with the word "icky" lately...haha... this g**damned kid in my class won't leave me alone. He is one of those idiots who says "nipples!" every other word and expects me to laugh. I only used him for his phone...(not like that, god now I feel sick even THINKING about it ::pukes::) b/c it has internet so i checked my Myspace during 3rd block and i got him to look up lesbian porn b/c he was all "hey give me something to look up on google" Me: .....-evil grin-.... hahaha...don't ask me how I know random porn sites, you don't need to know. I met a person on Myspace who LOVES D'ray. i mean LOVES them to DEATH lol. and she just went to her first D'ray live and she commented me and we both read each others live reports and are exchanging con stories and being total fangirl retards XDDDbut it makes me really happy to relive those memories...that was, no doubt, the best day of my life. The only other day I know will be better? The day I meet Duel Jewel. It WILL come if I have to wait until I am 25. And I WILL surely cry about 500 times in one day. and I WILL surely SOB when I get to hug Shun-sama (b/c i WILL). Do you think I'm kidding? I almost cried when Zero-sama TALKED to me, gods know I would lose it if SHUN, of all people, my SHUN-SAMA, hugged me. ::sings:: Sweet dreams til sunbeams find you... ugh that song is stuck in my head...ever since I saw that damned commercial on TV for the mattresses or w/e lol. Oh gods ::cries:: I have been having a realy difficult time down here in Tennessee. I hate it, I really do. But then again I feel so guilty and selfish....feeling pity for myself when I know there are MILLIONS of other people who have it so much worse than me... but I am weak...and I know it. Every time I eat ANYTHING, I feel weak and I cry. Every time I end up complaining or telling a friend abo my stupid horrible day I cry, and then I cry harder because every day (this is going to sounds cheesy...) I just want a hug. I want one of my best friends to just hug me and let me cry on them. But that can't happen. So I cry alone when my dad is asleep. It's so pathetic and it makes me completely HATE myself for it... but I just don't know how long I can take this... I may have to take summer school. A) at my old school we had 6 periods each day and each class was spread out over half a year (a semester), at which point we would earn a credit. this school, however, is run on a block schedule, where you take 4 classes a day, 8 classes a year, and at the end of the year you earn 8 credits if you pass all your credits. Well...since I moved in the middle of the last semester in my old school, I only have 1.5 credits. Plus failing Algebra, English, and Science did not help matters. B) even if i DO pass all my classes this year (which so far has not been hard..) I would only have 6.5 credits and I think you need 8 to graduate to the next grade...and I cannot afford summer school....$100 for 2 semesters? My dad said it is not that bad of a price but it is not money I'm having the issue with...it's the fact that summer school would only add to the weight on my mind and make the oncoming, inevitable breakdown, worse. and I was planning on staying in Ky for most of the summer to be with my friends...I miss them so horribly... I care about my grades, I really do, and I am not trying to make excuses but... this year has been so hard. So many things have happened that involve me or my friends and it is just so difficult to try and deal with that and not be distracted...I should try harder, and I hate myself for NOT trying harder...but I just can't. I don't know what to do and it is making me sick. I want to apply to go to UCLA for college but at this rate I'll be lucky to get into 10th grade. I'm done..I'm sorry... thank you if you got this far... xXTOCXx

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Sunday, February 26, 2006

::whispers to self:: fatass XP

Ewwww I was supposed to go to the gym yesterday but I didn't b/c I got lazy at the last second ;__; Myspace's server is busy AGAIN -_- damn it I hate when that happens... My dad and I got in this HUGE fight the other night (Thurs. night actually) and I ended up getting about 3 hours of sleep b/c I was crying so hard. Thus Friday I was tired, miserable, and almost cried in every class. And it didn't help that EVERYONe insised upon BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF ME all day. They either asked constantly what was wrong, and for some reason whenever someone talks to me when somethign is THAT wrong or even hints at noticing that I'm there, I physically get sick to my stomach. If they make me reply then it worsens. But certain people I'm okay to talk to...very specific people... but I seriously wanted to just jump in front of a cement mixer all that day. My dad had taken away my cell phone (reasons are beyond stupid and thus withheld) so when I got hoem i called it and found it had slipped ocnveniently under his bed so I called Mijikai who was at Zhou/Ame's house and bawled to them for abot 20 minutes, half because I was so happy to talk to them again and half because I had a HORRID day. They made me feel so much better... Anyway.... IM BOREDDDDD xXTOCXx

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

current song: Gothic -- by D'espairs Ray

omg i just saw a video of Yomi-kun and Hitsugi-kun in a schoolgirl outfit and a white thong with a plushie swan on the front XDD Seeign the oultine of Yomi's penis? Not what I intended to do in my day XDD I was reading my livejournal friends replies to her post and her and this other girl wre trading all sorts of Duel Jewel stories from when the met them at cons and I was like ::dies on floor in tears and blood:: I'm so envious lmao. They just wait....I'll meet Duel Jewel eventually, mwahahaha. and I WILL make them remember me ::creepy music plays:: LOL jk jk im not like a stalker or anything haha but i will get them each presents, carefully thought out presents. ^__^ oh so very bored and lonely today... Talked to Mijikai on the phone, she called me during class (where i used to live is one hour ahead of my time in TN) and I was like O.O but luckily it was a sub, last period, and all the other ppl were too busy beating eachother up and screaming to notice my cell phone ^^;;; well take care... xXTOCXx

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