Friday, January 27, 2006

-yawn-.....ugh....I don't feel like school today at all...

So im not going =D I woke up a little and I'm just not going, fuck it -sighs and goes back to sleep- I'll call my dad when I wake up later and just tell him i didnt wake up lol. immature? yeah bwahaha but effective nonetheless ^^ oh btw i checked out that kids myspace, and meh, he is not my type. xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Potheads...

There are a lot of people I am getting introduced to who smoke pot, I mean seriousyl I just met two other ppl today (well they ride my bus and i see em around school but i didnt really KNOW them) and they are not really my kind of friends... (not b/c they smoke pot, though I'm not saying I really approve) I mean b/c I heard the words "Prep" "goth" and "poseur" so many times in their conversation I thought I was gonna gag. I myself am guilty of using that kind of "terminology" sometimes but I definitely do not apply the "rules" of being labelled like that to anyone, whatsoever....at least not that I am aware of ._. I mean I don't mind if they want to use such terminology, but from personal experience, people who are that reliant on terms like that are usually very judgemental or immature... But I shouldn't categorize, so I suppose I'll give em a chance ^^ It's also not my decision for them to smoke pot, and I personally do not give a damn. I'm not the one fucking up myself for no reason and they are not close to me so it's none of my business. They could smoke AROUND me for all I care... oh wait...I'm asthmatic...okay so they CANT smoke around me technically but you get the idea. So I may go to the girl's (ppl i met = 1 girl and 1 boy) apartment today...maybe not. It all depends...I don't know if I am comfortable around her or not yet, what with all the talk of the weed and shit like that... If someone IS smoking it I do NOT want the scent on me b/c my dad will pick up on it immediately and I'll be DEAD. D-E-A-D DEAD! Even if I'm not the one who smoked it (which I wouldnt be) I'd never see the light of day AGAIN. And my "friend" in school (more like a good aquaintance on the brink of annoyance) is trying to set me up with a friend of his. He was asking me all sorts of questions about what kind of guys I liked and details about what I wanted in a guy and stuff and at first I was kinda suspicious and freaked b/c i thought he meant, you know, he liked me or something...-shudders-...but no he was just curious. And low and behold, he said he may have found me a boyfriend o_O his name is Chase (the guy he wants to set me up with). Chase goes to a Catholic private school, ironically enough, but the kid i know said he's not freakishly religious, I don't even know if he is christian. Not that it would really matter, just that usually people who are really really christian get kind of edgy around me since I'm...not... Of course I do not put my full trust in him, and though this Chase kid sounds okay (if he does not have that spark I want in my first boyfriend, I'm sure he would be a good normal friend) I don't really know yet...he has a Myspace so I'm supposed to get the link from the kid in school tonight and go look at Chase's pix bc my brain has a tiny percentage of shallow activity which prevents me from physical contact necessary of a boyfriend girlfriend relationship if I am not attracted to the boyfriend end of the situation ^^; I'm horrible I know, but I honestly cannot have a good relationship with someone I'm not attracted to, I just know I wouldn't be able to ._. But he soudns nice, and kind of pretty. He has bright blue eyes and light brown, shaggy shoulder-length hair...according to SCottie (the kid in my class)...and he is really thin but not bony thin...I'm hoping slender, b/c that shallow part will act up again I swear it... So I guess we will see, ne? take care xXTOCXx

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

.

Didn't feel like putting a title. Thanks Yume Sama, I'm sorry, I tried to go to your site to wish you a happy birthday (almost) but my copmuter would not load it. MyO does not get along well with me... Well I am disgusted right now to the point of hurling. Stupid reason though it may be, I was already not feeling well earlier from drinking milk from a cereal bowl (I think I may be lactose intolerant b/c every time I eat/drink something with milk i feel sick)and so I was eating a piece of toast to settle my stomach, and i ended up having to pull one of my own LONG blonde hairs out of my mouth (stress = shedding). It sickened me so bad I just can't even think about it without my stomach turning. I know I'm a wuss when it comes to things like that. I can't touch dirty dish water or old food on a plate without gagging. Even if it is a dish I had JUST put into the sink or dishwasher, I can't touch it. My shrink said I sounded like an OCD case, I wouldn't blame her, I think so too ._. Ugh my stomach is still turning b/c I'm thinking about it XP I'm having one of those days where you just think too much... I don't mind doing this with people I can talk to, in person or on the phone... over the computer it's just not the same, it's so void of all emotion, just blank text. But it's different when I am alone... no friends here to be close to.. I found some...shall I say "interesting" people at my new school... they practice Magick, like I do, and they believe in things that I believe in, and are nice to talk to about THOSE things... but they also talk about such things like smoking pot and drinking and just things I don't want to get mixed up in...so Im confused... I did find three people who like anime, two of them knowing and liking Jrock (one more than the other). The one who likes/knows it more is named Thelma, she loves Korean pop too lol. I showed her Seo Taiji and she likes him ^^; She also loves Miyavi o_O ::hearts to Miyavi:: anyway...though I have found some people who are nice to TALK to it's just not people I feel comfortale getting close to. Kind of like my friends at Ryle, my old school. One or two I would talk to about serious things, but most all of them were just acquaintances I needed as friends to talk to at school. The only friends I actually feel close enough to and very at ease with, the ones I can say anythign to and I don't have to doubt that they'd still love me, were never attainable to me. They were in a different school, or a different state. Jen, Katie, Hannah, Erin, I could continue listing... I miss them so much... I don't think anyone really gets the extent of how far I'd go to just live back up in KY and go to school with them. It'd mean the world to me. Hoping to bring you less solemn reports in the future... xXTOCXx

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Saturday, January 21, 2006

Weekend...

Im so fucking bored -dies- I'm gonna be home all weekend, my dad is working late so I can't go anywhere since I have no ride without him home, and no friends to hang out with yet anyway. Sooo I don't know what I'm gonna do all weekend...hm.... I guess I'll just hafta keep checking blogs and shit... joy for me, ne? 9_9 And I'm sorry I don't check your sites often I just am getting so lazy with MyO... take care xXTOCXx

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Weekend...

Im so fucking bored -dies- I'm gonna be home all weekend, my dad is working late so I can't go anywhere since I have no ride without him home, and no friends to hang out with yet anyway. Sooo I don't know what I'm gonna do all weekend...hm.... I guess I'll just hafta keep checking blogs and shit... joy for me, ne? 9_9 And I'm sorry I don't check your sites often I just am getting so lazy with MyO... take care xXTOCXx

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Whew....long day @__@

Well.. coincidentally I have not even had tiem to worry baout CURE and even if I did I probably wouldn't be as mad as I was earlier about it... I jump to conclusions easily ne =D? Anyway...-sigh- I'm out of breath...ugh...I need to take better care of myself I'm getting tired just walking from the bus stop! I mean it is kind of far away and i live on the third floor, so its not like all my other bus stops at my old schools, but damn! lol People at school annoy me -_- People in general...annoy me. My school is so immature sometimes I wanna just bomb it, hehehe... I am officially forever HIDING my Jrock/Japanese binder from the public. I am sick of hearing the same thing over and over. "That's a GUY?!" "You lyin'!" "Das nasty!" -.-; word...for...word... Again I'm gonna say it -- I hate people XP EW MY DOG IS BITING HER FLEAS IN MY ROOM!! GAAH GET OUUTTT!!! ;o; eww....last thing i need right now is a bunch of little biting bugs attacking me ;-; I was about to rip a kid's head off today...goddamn he annoyed the fuck outta me. And in last block I freaked the hell out of this other kid who took my mp3 player LMAO I dont even look VK or anything else that people would assume as "scary" but omg it was hilarious. People should not feed my ego like that. Chances are it won't turn out good .__.; dewa mata minna-san xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

pfft...

We have a "snow day" today. AS in we had a total of maybe 3/4 of an inch of snow outside this morning. Thus all hell will eventually be let loose and all will die a bloody horrible death. Because we got 3/4 of an inch of snow. -_-; Man the East US is weird... So I'm still quite torn and unnerved about the CURE thing. I am being quite selfish, I realize that. But I don't care at this point. I've thought about countless scenarios. Such as this infamous one that often comes to my mind "What would Shun, your idol, think of this?" And though it's far from the christian question "What would Jesus do?", it's a damn good close enough call for me. I can't stop anyone from liking Jrock, and I do not intend to at any rate...they should feel free to like what they like. It's the people who DONT really like it...that are griping me... but nevertheless, my music is who I am, and without it, or in this case with it, but having it be desecrated and not respected to the full capacity of what it deserves, makes my spine crawl... It makes my teeth itch and tingle and my organs feel as though they are slowly melting away and forming a puddle in a bottomless void somewhere inside of my body...think I am exaggerating? No. This is exactly how I felt the past two days thinking about this. My mind has been occupied with thei conflict in my body for two days and still going. It is a terrible feeling. I loathe it, and some people do not understand why this hit me so hard. I don't even think I do. But the fact is, it did. And nothing will change that. I liked things the way they were. Back before...when there WERE people who were different. I'm hardbent to find anyone like that right now...though there are a few who still have the greatest of my trust and respect...and that is an extremely difficult thing to gain from me... I admit it sounds like the stupid "You're a poser. I'm not. I hate you." argument so many people (like myself) are sick of hearing and even more sick of trying to eliminate from every-day conversation. But that is not what I am trying to say. I'm scared, in all honesty. That is the result of my thinking thus far. I am utterly TERRIFIED of what will happen if the thing I cherish most becomes -shudder-....what I'm afraid it will become...and that is one thing I cannot easily explain in spoken words, much less on a computer. So until I discover where I stand on this, and/or how to say it properly...without being as confusing as I know I am being right now...I'm afraid you will probably hear a lot of this inner-turmoil with myself in this blog a bit more often than necessary. Zhou will be absolutely pissed...maybe even worse than me...but somehow I doubt that badly...she is always so upbeat about things... I have not been able to tell her yet but then again I told Mijikai...she went into a whole different level of anger I have never seen in her before...and Mijikai will probably tell Zhou...probably already has.... I should talk to Zhou soon. I miss her... I miss Ame... I miss Mijikai.... -sigh- Interesting how a few amazingly great moments can morph disgustingly into those of self-loathing and confusion, ne? Take care all xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

;-;

I feel like a selfish brat.... I don't know what to feel about this... yesterday I was so entirely pissed I thought I was going to cry.... Hot Topic (how I loathe it....) is selling Cure magazine ;-; I heard that and was SO mad that I screamed and freaked for a total of five hours with Hana-chan and Sakura-chan.... I'm still a bit mad, but now I am torn... I'm selfish for thinking that I can keep it "secret" to the outside world, it's just that I guess I wanted something...that no one else could have.... Jrock literally saved my life (long story, details not necessary unless you need them)...so in a way I feel indebted... it is the one thing I fully cherish and respect in my life, my music is my everything and wihtout it I feel numb... Maybe I am ahead of myself... Maybe I'm being hypocritical... as I usually am... ugh this is such a horrible event it just makes everything worse, I'm so disgusted with myself -dies- And what is worse.... yesterday started out fantastic, I found many new things about certain people (im keeping THAT withheld...) that made me so happy... and up until I heard that news I was happy... then I was angry, crushed and numb... and then I felt guilty, disgusted, and still unfeeling... and to this very moment I don't know why something so small has such a great impact... I thought I was a mature person but this was a slap in the face by reality... I'm not mature, I'm exactly the opposite. I'm an immature, underdeveloped child who simply does not want to share my solace...my one sanctuary in life that I thought I could keep... I have to go now, apologies... xXTOCXx

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Monday, January 16, 2006

-yawn-

I just got back from KY yesterday. It was fun, we went to see a movie and Jrocked out completely, scaring the piss out of a bunch of people (omg it was hilarious =D) and we bought random Japanese substances at Matsuya (japanese store). I have pix from when we went to Barnes and Noble but I'll have to upload them later today and maybe show em off tomorrow lol. I bought some cheap normal black pants yesterday and made some bondage pants =D See, I spent less than 15 dollars on these as opposed to filthy Hot Topics clothes HAHAHA BITE ME HOT TOPIC!!! They were straight-legged and so I had to split the legs up the sides and make them baggier with some red fabric and i put zippers on the red part so you can zip them to hide the red (though i never will anyway 9_9). and I added Drings and whatnot...I still have to finish them today and then I can take a pic of those too! weee lol. I am making them look as original as I can, as in I'm not making them look like I bought em at Hot Topic, but they won't look homemade. so BLEH I WIN HAHAHAHA!!! Eww I have school tomorrow -dies- -sigh- I guess I'll have to deal -rolls eyes- baibai xXTOCXx

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Friday, January 13, 2006

-yawn-

Well.... it is 11:28 am here and I just woke up =D;;; eheheh.... I woke up ealriler but it was raining like HELL and since my otousan and I have to leave for KY today anyway, otousan told me I could stay home ^__^ I redyed my hair last night T_T but it is still fading a bit -cry- It was vivid fucshia a few days ago but now its starting to dull into a more reddish color and i dont WANT it looking like a natural color! -rawrs- Oh well... SOON ENOUGH (how many times have I said this?) my hair will be like Kana-san's -nods head rapidly- black and red and freakishly pretty (well, HE is freakishly pretty =D). Yes, perfect ^o^ -sigh- It is Zhou-kun's (Jen, and yes, I realize that Kun is not meant for girls, inside story ._.;) birthday. Well it was yesterday, but since I could not be there then, and I'll be there on Saturday, Zhou, Mijikai (Sakura-chan)and Kazuo (Bunra)and Ame (Katie), and Rachel and Erin and I (maybe more ppl I dont know) are gona get together and do something... Erin cant go to the movie with us, but we're going to see Narnia. I already saw it but it is Jen's choice ^^; It's an okay movie, I'm a sucker for mythological creatures so I liked the centaurs and griffins and whatnot =D hahaha Now I must go get dressed, for I am still in my Hello Kitty pajamas, hehehee. (stfu i love my hello kitty sweats T^T) have a good day! xXTOCXx

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