Thursday, June 28, 2007

Today was just a day where you wake up and know it's gonna be bad. Honestly. I woke up really hot and uncomfortable. My hair feels disgusting and I know I need to shower -- but I can't shower because my bathroom hasn't been cleaned from when I had the kitten in there and I'm too scared there are fleas. And my dad won't let me use my parents' shower. Our cable box got turned off, probably because we didn't pay it (and I'm mad b/c I was waiting like 2 months for a new episode of Degrassi which airs tonight). I was supposed to go see a movie with Amanda, Ahrahm, and Rachael, but I'm broke as all hell. Rachael says she'll pay for me but...I just never liked people having to do things for me. I hate people paying for me, I always feel horrible about it. I don't like being dependant on people. And I don't like people spending money on me. But I guess I can let her...I'll pay her back or something whenever I get money next. *sighs* Adam still hasn't gone to get Abby back yet, so there went my babysitting...he's a slacker anyway, I should have known. And now he has 3 other people living with him, so he doesn't need me there to babysit anymore. I hate people who fucking promise something and then fuck me over at the last minute. It's happened twice with jobs so far and I'm beginning to think I'm just going to be unemployed and broke forever. It's not that I'm not trying, I'm applying like hell. *sighs* I'm just going to go eat and then clean my shower so I can be clean, I guess... xXTOCXx PS on the bright side -- I do love my Korean hip hop boys D: Rain...Hoi...SE7EN...please jump out of my birthday cake

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Okay okay so in my last post I probably didn't make myself too clear This neighbor is a really good friend of ours, my mom is friends with him and I babysit and housesit for him on a constant basis. I know his boyfriend (or rather, boyfriends e_e;;). So if I was going to go up there, I'd be safe. Aside from liver damage and all. But...I'm not going to. We're going to reschedule for a few weeks from now... Because I was on the phone with Timmy last night again and he reminded me that I had not only promised myself but that I had promised him that I wouldn't drink for a month. And it's only been 2 weeks. He said that Saturday night he's going to call me, and that if I'm drunk he'll be very upset with me... So he made me promise that I wouldn't, and told me to take it slower. We don't have a lot of serious conversations where he actually sounds that serious, so I knew he was being honest. Everytime I think about it, though, my conscience gets buried a little deeper inside myself and I almost just say "oh screw it I'm getting hammered". It's not something you can understand until you've experienced it...being intoxicated is like a freedom for me. It's so much more fun than anything around here, everything's just so dull. I realize how naïve that is, and how stupid and irresponsible. I know. But it doesn't lessen the unhealthy want I have for it. anyway...on a more funny note...xD Timmy and I always ALWAYS fall asleep on the phone together. Because niether of us like to hang up ._. So anyway last night I was getting really tired and started stretching, and um... well it's been brought to my attention before that people stretching produces rather...erotic sounding noises XD It didn't occur to me until last night when I kept stretching while he was playing WoW (because he's a nerd xD) and he goes "every time you do that I get really...REALLY...distracted." I was oblivious at first, and didn't get it. And then later I mentioned "my friend told me people stretching sounds erotic XD" and he goes "I KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I MEANT. The 'guy downstairs' kept waking up!" ...I busted up laughing so hard I almost fell off the couch xD;; and I blushed magenta x39320432 ohhh jeez *headdesk* kehehehe. So I kept annoying him throughout the conversation by exaggerating my stretches xDDDDD I'm horrible, I know I know. I'm going to go eat now :) so...baiii xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

okay so....I dont feel like typing a lot ahaha;; I spent the night at Megan's last night, talked to Timmy again for like 3 hours (as usual ;DD), and went to the mall today with Megan, Rachael, and Brandon. Rachael, Megan, and I left before Brandon b/c he found some people to hang out with. When Rachael was dropping me off at my apartments, I saw my gay neighbor, Adam, walking upstairs. So I called over to him and Megan, Rachael, and I all were like "Hey babe how are you 8D" He was high as hell, rofl. He kept saying it xD And then he did something AMAZING o______o He invited us over to drink with him this weekend. He said he'd buy ALL the alcohol we'd need, and he'd tell my mom he was gone and we girls need to housesit. It's like -- perfect. 8DD omg yay. I love that gay man XDD rofl He'll buy us anything we want, so we're all like making a list. Oh this weekend will fucking RULE. Eeeeeep *excited* ......oh shit. I just remembered my "no alcohol for a month" thing. ....uh oh. o_o;;....ah shit. Now I have to decide what to do. DAMN YOU, MORALS. DAMN YOU. also: THIS. FUCKING. WINS. ALL. xXTOCXx

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Monday, June 25, 2007

Well Amanda is going to be here within an hour to get the kitten :) I calld her yesterday because I knew she had been looking to get a cat since she got rid of her bunnies, and she said yes!! So the kitty is asleep under my futon right now. I just gave her breakfast so she'd be full for the ride over to Amanda's house. Awwwww. I had a video of her meowing while she ate but the camera deleted it XD Damn it all. (and thanks to my fucking new Dial Up, that picture took FOREVER to upload. *grumbles*) Lucky (my cat) keeps meowing at my bedroom door =o= But he's never seen another kitten before, becuase his litter and mother were killed by something before he was even weaned, so I dunno how he'll react to that baby. I was holding her yesterday and kneeled down to let Lucky see. His eyes went really wide and he got up on his hind legs to sniff her, but I didn't want to take chances because she's really weak, so I stood back up. It was so sad. When we got her last night she was terrified and it took me all of 20 minutes to get her to calm down and to be comfortable with my presence. I was laying with her in my mom's bed when I noticed a bug run through a patch of her white fur O_O so I ran into the bathroom with her and started picking apart her fur and sure enough, she was fucking infested with fleas. There were so many they were running across her poor little eyes DDDDD: And there were so many eggs. If I had shaved her, her skin would have looked black from all the eggs all over her. My mom and I found some flea shampoo for the dog, but it was the best we could do. So then came the fun part -- we had to give the cat a bath...has anyone ever tried giving a cat a bath? Even little ones with hardly any teeth or claws?...Yeah, not fun. We had to give her like 3 of them to get rid of all the fleas too :( The first bath we gave her -- the water turned dark brown from all the dirt in her fur. And while I was wiping her off and picking out some of the dead fleas, I noticed the towel she was in was getting bloody. She was openly bleeding from all of the bites ;O; Every time we wiped her off with a towel blood would show up on it, it was so fucking sad. After those baths, we didn't want to get her wet again for a little while because she's so emaciated, so I took her into my room and started picking more fleas off of her and throwing them in a cup of bleach ;_; They still hadn't all died yet. My dad got home just then and found this spray under our sink or something that was supposed to immediately kill fleas and didn't involve rinsing at all O: So I coated her with that about 3 times within the next few hours, and I'm pretty sure they're all gone by now :) Yay. She's eating more, and Amanda and her mom know how to take care of kittens -- so I trust they'll take good care of her. She's just so frail. I promised Timmy I'd call him tonight because he's off work tomorrow O: I talked to him last night for about an hour but he kept falling asleep on me xD So I finally got him to hang up so he could go to bed, and he told me he was off on Sunday so I can call him Saturday night and we can talk as long as we'd like to :) Yay again! Maybe I can go to Megan's tonight...I miss her, and she's ungrounded now. I'll have to call her later. I need to get bleach and re-do my hair, now that I think of Megan xDD;; Shit...but my hair is so boring right now. I don't know what I could possibley do with it ): *sighs* Anyways, take care everyone~ xXTOCXx

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

I won't be online as often as usual anymore, thanks to this stupid dial up. ): It's just so frustrating. So...yeah. I may still update and stuff but I won't be as actively doing much else (i.e. Myspace comments and stuff may take a while to reply). My gay neighbor, Adam, has been gone the past 2 days so Rachael came over and we spent the night at his house to "house sit" and watch his animals. We were going to invite more people over after my parents went to sleep because we know Adam wouldn't care as long as we didn't break anything (not that we were gonna TELL him, but if he found out he wouldn't be mad or anything). But no one could find a way to sneak out EITHER nights. Except the first night Rachael's friend Karey came over, she's nice. So the first night, we literally didn't sleep AT ALL. I stayed up all night playing The Sims 2 XDD Because I'm the ultimate retard. Karey and Rachael played for a little while, too, but mostly they just sat around and talked. His fucking little dog Maggie he just got, it's a fox terrier I think, is a BITCH. Well...literally, she is, but that's not what I meant. I took Maggie for a walk and my mom grabbed Gypsy (our black lab) and took her with us. Well Maggie is a total spaz and ripped the fucking leash from my hands, but I know from the night before that SHE DOES NOT COME BACK. Because the night before, I ran around the ENTIRE apartment complex screaming obscenities and her name at the top of my lungs because she kept running from me and wouldn't come back until I BODY SLAMMED her stupid ass. Anyway, when my mom and I took them out, she ripped the leash out of my hand so I went tearing off to try and jump on the leash. Gypsy freaked out and started trying to chase me and Maggie, and then I finally was able to grab the leash, but then Maggie and Gypsy both started winding around my legs (and I was wearing shorts) and then RAN. Needless to say -- they left HUGE rope-burn welts in the backs of my knees and a huge burn/cut in the front of my left knee. It was not fun. And then they wound around my moms legs and dragged her down too and she started laughing so hard she pissed herself XD So I fell over, laughing and crying because I knew how funny it must have looked so stupid. My dad and Rachael were looking at us from on top of the balcony laughing their asses off instead of helping us, and only when I started screaming "GODDAMNIT I'M BLEEDING" did they decide to come down and get the dogs untangled. Bastards. Hmm... Then when we got back to Adam's Rachael couldn't find anyone to bring her alcohol (because Karey brought her some pineapple rum the night before) so I gave her a hydrocodone (they're like lortabs). They're my moms pills, but I take them to go to sleep because they kick in fast. Rachael takes them to get high though -_-;; Bleeehhhh. I was on the phone with Timmy for 4 hours last night, and he was telling me "I don't think you should give those to her, you're just encouraging her drug use." And coming from him, that's saying something, because he's done every drug known to man before ): But meh. I didn't really care, it's not as bad as some of the shit she was trying to get. So in essence, I was kind of glad I got her to settle for a lortab instead of weed or something. Timmy is so sweeeeeet ): You know how I know I'm pitiful? Because when he had to go last night he said "Hey I have to go to work in the morning, so I have to sleep now okay? I love you." He's never said that before, and I just smiled and said "I love you too." and we both just said goodnight. But that made me so happy to hear him say that :) I'm not taking it like "OMFGHE'SINLOVEWITHME", no no, I'm not that retarded haha. But it's just nice to know someone cares about you even a little bit. Especially when you care about them too. (aw cheesey moment.) He had been saying all night "I'm gonna try to sleep, but I don't want to hang up." And he'd try to sleep and kept telling me to talk because he liked to hear my voice *squees* But I always manage to keep him up even when he's dead tired, because he'll return conversation sometimes XD;; So eventually he just had to say he was going to go, because last time we were up all night on the phone he kept falling asleep at work oo;;; Adam found an abandoned baby kitten today and is going to bring it home and see if I can find a friend to bring it home. He sent my mom a picture on her phone and it's TINY. ): Who the hell would abandon a baby like that??? *humphs* I'd keep it if I could. Poor thing. Anyway I have to go, I may be spending the night at Megan's tonight :3 baii xXTOCXx

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Sooo... a few things have come to my attention. 1) I need to get my life under control again. I'm not stable when I'm not in control, and the more out of control I get, the more hopeless everything feels, which makes me get even mor out of control. So I'm standing by my no-drinking promise. And I'm going to try to quit smoking. 2) So...apparently. Along with a certain guy most people know about by now. The other one that used to like me -- still likes me. But he has a girlfriend. What the hell o_o I attract cute asians who aren't into Jrock, most Jrock fans find that a travesty ROFL I don't even care if they are Asian or Jrock-fans, to be honest XDD Sure, I think it adds to the attraction, but honestly who cares? eep. I'm gonna go... we're poor and need to shop at the ghetto food store nooo D: I'm hungry. AACK xXTOCXx *sighs* Well...I'm really beginning to see why I'm seeing my life as so weird right now. I only have a couple of friends I'm comfortable around (who actually live near me). Rachael...Megan... That's really about it. I don't do enough drugs to mesh in with all the "cool kids" they're friends with, and I know they are all annoyed with me being around when they just wanna hang out with Rachael or Megan. I try not to say much when they're around, so that I don't annoy them any further than being there. It's easier to act invisible but then they try to act nice and talk to me, and I don't know how I respond in anything but one-word answers or just half-assed smiles. And then I guess that just makes them dislike me more. I dunno, I'm just not good with people I guess. I'm too shy and easily intimidated, and if I know people don't like me I usually just stay very quiet and still. I don't like annoying people. I really don't.

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

My internet got disconnected the other day. And we we just got it back today. But do we get our nice, fast DSL back? Hmmm? Ohhh no. OHHH FUCKING NO. WE GET MOTHERFUCKINGSLOWASSJUNKYCUNTFUCK DIAL UP. I'm spoiled as hell. I don't care. I've literally been screaming allsorts of cuss words and throwing the mouse at the moniter since I got on here about 45 minutes ago. I am so mad. UGH. fuck. anyway.... drama, lots of drama. Poor Timmy has been calling me every day for a few days now. He's been having a lot of drama... It's been worrying me a lot. he's been worrying me a lot. When I asked why he called me, of all people...I mean he's only known me for a couple of months, and he has really close friends he could be going to, so of course I'm going to wonder why he called me... When I asked him -- he said "I just wanted to hear your voice" D: Aww. It made me smile. Well...idk there is a lot that I could be talking about...but nothing really interesting or new. I still want a bottle of vodka, but I'm resisting.. I smoked 3 cigarettes yesterday but I refused about 2 when offered...so I guess I'm getting somewhere. I dunno. Life has changed so much lately. I've changed so much. Everything seems to be falling apart in all the wrong places, but then I manage to find some way to stitch some of them back... Hm. xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

So... I messed up the other night. Saturday night. I posted an entry on here, drunk as all hell. But I deleted it once I sobered up and actually read it. I've been worrying myself sick over what I may have done while I was drunk. I drank one of the most dangerous kinds of booze imaginable. Everclear. I didn't think it was as big of a deal as it evidently is. Even though I knew it was 95% alcohol, that's almost pure alcohol. I am an idiot for not connecting the dots and realizing how stupid I was being. It didn't take even 3 sips before I was drunk, and I had about 7 out of the bottle. And that was mixed with gatorade. It's potent shit. No one flat out told me "hey that shit is dangerous." before I drank it. But I suppose they figured I'd realize that when they told me how high it was in alcohol. Little did they realize I'm blatantly retarded when it comes to drug knowledge. That is...I was on the phone with Timmy, and he told me. But I was already half gone. It's no excuse, I should have listened to him anyway. He told me before I started drinking, he said that it was dangerous stuff and that I should be careful. I just thought he wasn't really paying attention, because he was also playing WoW while he was talking to me... I don't really know what happened the rest of the night. I remember pieces of it. Like...I didn't think I was drunk at all. I thought maybe I was just acting stupid becuase I wanted attention, but when I woke up the next morning I realized that wasn't true. I really was fucked up. I had been hallucinating and I had been a whole different kind of drunk than I usually am...I'm never an emotional drunk. Ever. But that night...I know I felt sad. I remember feeling sad. I don't remember if I cried but I probably did. This is getting so out of control. I felt so badly the rest of the night...and all of yesterday and the day before. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry by myself for a little while. I was so worried sick that I had done something to make...certain people mad at me. But I can't remember if I was hallucinating, I can't remember if I just imagined that I had said things, and I can't remember if I thought I didn't say things but actually did. The next morning, when I got online after Rachael left for work...I told my friend Shou what had happened, not really thinking about it as a big deal. But she freaked. She wasn't mad or anything... But she said she was scared for me, and that she didn't want me to end up like her. She didn't want me to do drugs and be dependant on them all the time. She's done a lot of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol...and she said even she doesn't touch Everclear. I just felt so stupid. I made a huge mistake. And I don't know if that motherfucking 95% alcohol just made me paranoid or if I have reason to be upset. Shou made me swear to her that I'd never touch that stuff again...and that I'd lay off drinking for another week. She said I'm getting out of control, and I know she's right. I have cravings, I have days where I just want to be drunk. I want to be so hammered out of my mind that I will have nothing to think about except giggling and trying to stand up without falling. I hope I can keep this promise to her. And I need to apologize to Timmy, I really feel so bad. I am so worried that I did or said something stupid. You have no idea how scared I am. My neck hurts. I remember making my headboard fall on top of me...but Mitch caught it before it could fully land on me. I just laughed like a total fucking idiot. A lamp fell on me, and I think my alarm clock and one of my paper filers. My back hurts. I slept on it funny because I kept passing out. I think Mitch and Rachael had sex on my floor. I don't want to think about that. I'm pretending it didn't happen. I've been upset and have no idea why, and it's starting to really get on my nerves. I have no reason to be such a fucking ditz and whine, do I? I'm being a stupid highschool girl. With stupid hormones. And stupid everything. And that just makes me want to go get a bottle of vodka and a bottle of cranberry juice, have Rachael pick me up, and go get drunk. WHY DO I ALWAYS WANT TO BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. FUCKING SHIT. I want a massage. ugh *rubs temples* xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: *heart flutters* I talked to Timmy from about 2:30 am to 7:00 am last night. Everything is fine, I just overreact. He said that he likes me just the way I am and that I yawn cute XD Totally cheesey, I know. But he's sweet.

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Today was just....horrible all together. Long story short... Bam Margera must be infamous for blowing things off, because he didn't show up today. I didn't really care much. I mean...I was a little put off because that's the only reason 90% of the people went. My friend...I won't say who to be polite to her (even though she wont see this)... she got busted for shoplifting. And I ended up getting stranded at the mall for 4 hours after she got carted off in handcuffs. My parents, Rachael, and Scott all found out within 20 minutes of it happening. My parents threw the biggest hissy fit of them all... I was more worried than anything. I ended up being alone in that huge fucking mall for a long time. And since it was a skating festival there were a lot of guys there skateboarding and w/e. I kept getting hit on......by skaters and "juggalos". For the record -- I hate skating. I hate ICP even more. And it was not the best day to wear a mini skirt. Fuck. I bummed a cigarette of this girl who was friends with a really cute guy. He was sitting next to me talking about Bam or whatever, and he told me he had come all the way up here from Savanna, Georgia just to see him. And another guy I mey came from Michigan to see him. And he didn't even show up. How crappy is that of him? Anyway, I had to run outside to smoke it, obviously. But I also didn't have a lighter, so I ran around trying to find someone with a cigarette so I could ask for a light. Every person I ran into I just didn't feel like I should trust asking.... So tell me my logic with the rest of the story-- I find a guy with a 2 foot blue and black mohawk wearign a black muscle band shirt revealing all his piercings and tattoos...and have him light my cigarette for me. Duuuude. I win. Anyway when my parents finally picked me up they were really mad and told me I wasn't allowed to hang out with Megan anymore. I told them to shut up, and had I had the guts to start any MORE drama for the night -- I would have told them to shove it back up their asses. They pissed me off. Rachael is spending the night tonight and she's going to help me talk to my mom... Pictures~ It took me half an hour to do my fucking hair this morning xD (not counting the hour for me to redye it red. It was blue and purple for the past 2 weeks.) And yeah it's not a very flattering picture rofl Eep. My new Myspace default XDD rofl. Funny face desu. beep. I make weird faces too much. Meep. I also text too much :DD (AND simultaneously make strange faces!! Yay for double talent?!) Megan is so cute ;_; *squishes her* I love youuuu Aw, pretty pretty baby. She never lets go of that camera XD My mirror = my friend. I'm so not vain x]~ ;______; oh damn. This was the only kitty at the pet store. He was so lonely and sad looking, and he kept scratching and mewing at the glass at me and Megan. I felt so bad and wanted to just love on it and pet it for a while. But you have to be 18 to hold the animals (ghey.) and if I had, I would have probably cried rather than put him down ;_____; Poor little baby. xXTOCXx

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Current Song :: Kamisori -- Duel Jewel

Oh my god. That man...is just so beautiful. Sometimes it makes me want to cry. In other news... prepare for some good old TMI. I finally started my period for the first time in like four months -___-;; I was starting to think my organs just died or something. But that would explain why I've been so off the past few days. Bitchy and nauseous. And I feel really dizzy, for some reason. I'm going out with Amanda and Ahrahm tomorrow to see a movie, probably Pirates3 since I haven't seen it yet. I don't know if Ahrahm or Amanda have seen it, but I don't think so. Then tomorrow night Megan is spending the night with me, and Saturday morning we're going to the Cool Springs mall. It's a little ways away, but Bam Margera is going to be there. And my friends are evidently like Bam Margera freaks xD;; I personally don't care much, but I figured I'd go. It seems like it'd be fun :) And he's picking out a few people to hang out with him. My friend Sarah is totally obsessed with him so if she gets picked I know she'll probably die. It'd be the equivalent of me hanging out with Shun. o_________o;;; Gah I feel sick ): I wish I could go to AX. All of my hot guy friends are like "awww you're not coming?" and I'm like "...shut up." XD Damn them. Damn them all. Except some of them are more like "aww you no coming?" Rofl, Gotta love Fobby Asian accents ;D Well I suppose I'm going to go to sleep. I'm dreadfully tired... Then again I'll probably stay online talking to Natsuo, Lauren, and Georgette. Because I'm cool like that and too lazy to even go to bed. Crazy how that stuff works. G'night (sort of) xXTOCXx

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