Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Late night thinking once again.

I've been in my Jdrama mode again. I haven't watched Water Boys II since last summer...and I need to finish it. I started up Stand Up! again last night, but I didn't finish because episodes 6 and 7 were translated HORRIBLEY and started to give me a headache, so I'm going to finish them today. I started watching Nobuta wo Produce, though. I've wanted to for quite a while :) I feel so bad for this new girl, she's so pretty and sweet D: *dork* And no one deserves to be treated that badly...I hate people like that. Fucking bitches...high school girls are so cruel. It seriously made me cry the way they treated her...I won't give away any spoilers or anything, but my god. If I ever see anyone treated like that...fuck. Someone is going to get the shit beat out of them. What kind of evil personality trait does it take to be so....MEAN??? Anyway....I went to the therapist yesterday. I don't need to go to him anymore, I told my mom I hated it and she said I didn't have to, so she told him that since my trip to the hospital I didn't want to be on Zoloft anymore. He agreed and took me off of them. So...that also means I don't have to worry about drinking anymore. I notice I mention alcohol a lot lately, and I wonder if that means...I dunno, I'm just kind of thinking... My family members have reputations for becoming Alcoholics. I don't want that to happen to me... I really wish I had a roof I could sit on at night. I miss my old house. The window in my room opened up right onto the roof...I used to go there at night to read or just sit and watch. There wasn't a lot to see...mostly just the stars, the neighbors driving by, a cat running across the yard. But it was very nice. Very calming. I can't seem to find that here. I'd like to sneak out at night and just go sit at the little park down the road...it's in our apartment complex. It's enclosed by trees and a big fence...and there is a bit of forestry behind that. But I don't want to go alone. Being alone when you're that calm...it's just something that makes you think too much. It makes you question a lot of things. I want someon to be with me, just to talk to. Or just sit there in total silence, and not be bored by it. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm so good at observing people, predicting what they'll do or how they'll react -- not because I've experienced enough to know -- but because I haven't experienced a lot. My ideas haven't been tainted by anything yet. I haven't been hurt enough by people to let it affect the way I think about them. I've been hurt, of course, by a lot of things. People, friends...but everyone is hurt at some point in their life. It's unavoidable. I just wish I could be immune to pain sometimes. But don't we all? I mean...things could always be worse. Hell, I could be in some forced labor camp somewhere in Africa...and you could still think of a way that things could get worse. So...inevitabley...that phrase is never something that can heal someone's scars. Ever. There will always be a rebuddle. And it is never arguable. The best advice anyone can give is to live through it...and no matter what happens, no matter how deeply you're wounded, try as hard as you can to let it change you for the better. Dwelling in self pity will only drag you down deeper. I'm not saying it's bad or foolish to want to complain every so often. Hell, I do it all the time. Ranting helps. Taking everything out in words is the only safe way to really begin to heal. I can't stand it when I see people making fun of somebody because they're expressing themselves...and I mean really saying what the think in their hearts. I can understand being annoyed by people. I'm annoyed by people who try too hard. People who harm themselves for self-gain, for attention. But at the same time I believe they have problems, too. Not the ones they are trying to portray, but if you want attention that badly. Badly enough to be an annoying wreck in public, everything can't possibley be all right "upstairs" if you know what I mean. I suppose in that sense...I am a hypocrite. I know it's wrong to immediately judge someone. I know it's wrong to assume they're just being annoying and fake. But sometimes it's just easier that way. And though the easy way isn't always the road you should take...it's just normal for you to want to get out of it as quickly as you can. It's easier to just pretend you don't have compassion, to try and force yourself to believe that by justifying your mistakes instead of admitting to them, you will be able to retreat and not have to deal with it. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong in this messed up world we were unwillingly born into. There is only what we were set to believe. A code of ethics adhered to by the mass majority of people because most are simply afraid that whatever invisible panel of judges is constantly watching their every movement may disapprove. "It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean. Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy." That's one of my favorite quotes. It says in only a few short words what I've believed for years. Choices. Choices are what determine your life. It's not the environment you grew up in, the state of your homelife, the way your parents treated you as a child. It's how you choose to let that affect you. It's how you choose to react to those situations. It's the way you let it change you, for the better or for the worse. So the next time you go complaining about something...take a moment to think. What can I do to change this? Do I really need to hurt someone else to fix myself? Yes...little pep talks make me feel better. I just wish I could take my own advice sometimes. xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Current Song :: Rank-N-File -- Anti Flag

I love this video real update later. ::REAL UPDATE ENSUING:: Okay...so it's 2:31 am. If I refer to "today" it means...the 11th. Okay? I woke up extremely late...around 3 pm. That gave me 11 hours of sleep, when I usually only need about 9...so I don't know why I didn't wake up around 1. So anyways, I got on the computer. Because both of my parents now work days and aren't home, so I have time to fuck around on the internet more often. I got onto MSN and my friend in Germany, Dustin, was online. I hadn't talked to him in a while, so we had a chat :) Then Cala...this guy I know in Canada, I've known him for about a year...he IMed me. I talked to him for a little while, but then...(excuse my excessive amount of dot-dot-dots) I'll just post what I wrote in my LJ. Because I'm not as upset anymore, so I can't really explain it as well as I could earlier. Italics = livejournal post Non-Italics = not livejournal post (lol) Wow. Aren't I a hypocritical little whore. I know what I think is true, I know that I'm not an extremely beautiful person (to say the least, I'm decent and only when I have makeup on). And I know I'm not as thin as I'd like to be. This isn't as important to some people as others. But I'm definitely in that "others" category. And yet....the one time someone calls me fat, I get upset. I start to get naseous. I end up lying to them. Telling them I have to go do something, and that I can't talk anymore. When I think I just like people lying to me. I always tell people I prefer honesty, and I do. I envy people who can be as honest as they are...I tell my friends to be honest with me, even if it means being brutal. If I ask them if something makes me look fat, I want them to tell me the truth. Maybe it's because this time I didn't ask. I wasn't prepared for that sort of thing. At least when I ask a question, I mentally prepare myself for both responses. ...it's stupid. I don't know why this sort of thing sent me into tears. We were talking about something innocent. He found this picture of two girls with giant balls of Cotton Candy. I said something along the lines of "I couldn't eat that, too much sugar. And my metabolism is nothing like anorexic VS models XD" he says "Well it's not like you're skinny." And it stung so deeply I just sat there in front of my PC. Staring at the screen. I felt my stomach knot up. And it didn't help that I was only wearing a sports bra and shorts. I was able to look down and immediately felt like I was going to vomit just from looking at myself. People who are very important in my life, people I care about, tell me that I'm beautiful. One person in particular...one who has developed feelings for me and vis versa...has even told me I'm a beautiful person. They tell me I'm pretty. Tell me I'm thin. Tell me I'm fine the way I am. And no matter how much I try or how hard I want myself to -- I can't make my brain believe them. But someone I just talk to every once in a while, someone I don't even like that much, tells me I'm fat -- and I take it so seriously that it makes my eyes well up. Why the hell can't I practice what I preach. It'd be so nice, just once. I was, needless to say...very upset. But I talked to Rachael, we arranged a day to get together with Megan and maybe Mitch and have some drinks... Then I called Megan. When I was talking to her I ended up crying. I was trying my best to stop my voice from cracking, but I know it was painfully obvious to her that I was sobbing on the other end of the phone. So apparently our cell phones were turned off this morning. My mom had to pay $300 to get them turned back on because we didn't pay our bill. The bill was $400, but she got away with $300 just to get them turned on. It's not a matter of wanting a cell phone. We need our cell phones, because our home phone has been turned off for a long time since we couldn't pay the bill for that either. This new job my dad had to get is ruining what we moved down here for. We could have stayed in Kentucky. But his stupid old job that lured him down here in the first place was paying him so much more money. We were able to buy new cars, we had extra money to do more things. And then they fucked him over. So we're stuck with him getting paid less than half of what he used to make. My mom hates her job and never comes home without complaints about it. I can't take this anymore, I am so sick of it. I haven't cried about anything in weeks, and I thought I was starting to get over a lot of this little bullshit. Today's the first day in a long time that I've just broken down. I tried to put away the dishes, clean the counters, do anything to keep me occupied. But eventually my legs gave out on me and I just layed on the kitchen floor and cried into the tile. Sure, the breaking point was what I covered in the first cut up there.... but it was only that. The breaking point. Everything before that just welled up in the pit of my stomach, and I ignored it until now. I was scared my neighbors would hear me, but then I realized that I still had music blaring from my speakers; so even if the balcony door was open -- no one would have heard me. Everything feels 10 times heavier today. I don't know why the hell I was so upset today...everything just went downhill. I wanted to just drink until I vomited, I felt nauseous for hours and just laid on the floor and cried. My cats would come by occasionally and sniff me, or rub their heads on my foot. I felt bad that I couldn't give myself the energy to even pet them. I've been so overwhelmed by things in the past few days, maybe the past couple of weeks. And not even everything has been bad! Some of the things that happened actually made me very happy...but somehow I converted that into make-me-even-more-upset material tonight. Meh. I need another long conversation with someone... Hannah.... Timmy, maybe. He's very good at making me feel worth something, even if he doesn't mean to. Haha I mentioned on Myspace what had happened, nothing in specific because, well I'm not one to broadcast to strangers what my life is like (save for this, but I know that really only a couple of people read this.). What happened, and this was really unexpected, was that about 6 people messages/Imed me. They all basically said "What bitch do I have to choke?" "Who the hell said that to you??" I was kind of in shock, especially since people I don't even talk to that often seemed to care about it. But the person who made me feel the best was Georgette... A friend I made in 6th grade. Talked to on and off for about 2 years when I moved to Kentucky. And then didn't even talk to again for a good 2 years until a couple of months ago...and she's become one of my best friends again. She sent me this, and I couldn't help but start laughing. He's shallow and has a penis permanently attached to the front of his face, which is why he cant tell how pretty you actually are because, even tho it is tragically small, he cannot see over it. Vain ass people like that PISS ME OFF. D:< My bf offers to help hurt him as well btw :D I get why it upset you, no one takes that kind of remark very easily. It was rude, uncalled for, and completely untrue. Whats important is that he's a douche, youre not fat, and you probably shouldnt talk to said mentioned douche anymore [unless you really want to], except to call him a douche. Which he is. Asses like that arent worth anyones time anyway It was hilarious, I about died. I felt a lot better...not because people kept saying "Don't listen to that bullshit, you're beautiful." I mean, yes, that certainly made me feel better...but it wasn't the fact that they were telling me I was pretty or anything. It was that they seemed to actually care enough to want to make sure I felt okay. That means a lot to me. And I guess...I'm going to go to sleep now. Because it's nearly 3 am. I'll wait until my Anti Flag playlist stops and then I'll go crash on the couch again xXTOCXx

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Monday, June 11, 2007

Current Song :: I'm Back -- Eminem

It's nearly 3 am....and I can't sleep. I'm listening to my Eminem playlist. Sitting here in sweatpants and a Tequila tank top. Just thinking... I wonder if I'm a psycho. I don't mean that in a trying-to-be-funny, sarcastic kind of way... But when I get attention like this, when someone actually admits to feeling something for me -- me, of all people -- I'm not sure how to react. I either panic and try to brush it off, try to convince myself that I just misunderstood their intentions. Or I soak it in, let it effect me, and eventually it's all I can find myself thinking about. That's how people act...people that others would call crazy. Isn't it? Being a pathetic, inexperienced, insecure teenager. Of course my hormones are going to override my brain function. I guess, what I mean in lieu of all of this rambling... is that I'm terrified that I'll scare him off. That I'll become one of those freakishly obsessed, scary ex-girlfriends. The kind that can't take a hint. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe I have a thick layer of vanity underlying the sarcastic, unsure shell that I shield myself with. Maybe by even taking the time to consider all this I'm just proving how ridiculously lame and insane I am. Taking time to think that this is a bigger deal than it really is. To think that anything that stems from this will be a big deal. I mean it's probably just going to pass soon, right? Eventually he'll find someone he likes more. And I know that. I know that I have to try to be real. I have to try not to let my teenager naivetes get in the way, not to let my heart get broken for some stupid reason like this. It's not a big deal. I want to pound that into my brain. But at the same time I keep thinking... This will never happen again...Do you think this will honestly be a reoccuring event?....That someone that you care for will actually care for you in return?...Don't try to fool yourself...Make yourself believe the truth...This will be over before you have the chance to think about it any more... And I feel so naïve and ridiculous. And just plain stupid. It's like I'm one of those people on television that are mocked by every person sitting on their couches. I'm the person on the lame MTV show. I'm the whimp that blows everything out of proportion. I don't want to be the that person. I want to be the one who can see what is real. And not create ludicrous scenarios that would try to make me think otherwise. I needed a nice rant ): It's making it difficult for me to sleep. A boy of all things. This doesn't happen to me a lot... I mean, yeah, I get crushes occasionally. And they'll be strong for a short while. I don't know, if I speak any further on the subject I just feel like I'll be proving my foolishness even further. So I'm going to sleep. Probably on the couch tonight. I will never get the hang of this relationship stuff. xXTOCXx P.S. But on a positive note...heh...I showed my mom a picture of him...she said he was cute, and then promptly told me I should go look for a cute Asian boyfriend. Uh...yeah. Don't ask me. I told her what he said to me last night, and she smiled. She said he was cute. Good-looking. I even told her that he's 3 years older than me. But evidently my mother has no issue with me dating a 19-year-old. That shocked me more than anything. Hm...I don't know. I just really want this to work...but it seems like every chance I get to have something like is-- a big wall, an obstacle that I can't break down is stopping me. Time. Distance. Things frail enough to be man-made are holding me back from the things I want the most. The oppurtunities I've been waiting my whole life to have. And it hurts.

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Sunday, June 10, 2007

Current song :: Anti-Flag - Project For A New American Century

Soooooo.... yesterday was, very nice. We were going to go see a concert, because Rachael/Megan's friends Ben and Christian have a band and were performing, but we got there right after they had finished playing began's Rachael's mom dropped us off late. So we just went with some of Megan's friends who were there and drove around downtown Nashville. It was kind of scary. We were in the part of town where drug deals go down on street corners. I know. I saw a few as we drove by. We got back to the concert venue before Rachael's mom came, because we weren't supposed to leave the area (oops, haha). But her mom was going to be another hour, we found out, so we had to sit around and wait for her. I just called people until someone answered the phone. Which ended up being Lauren :D But it's cool, she was only the second person I called. I called Timmy while I was sitting in the car in some freaky alleyway when everyone else was outside smoking (it smelled like weed SO badly outside, I couldn't take it.), but he didn't answer. I assume he was at work or something? I dunno O: Hope I didn't bother him... Anyway when we got to Rachael's house (Megan and I spent the night there) we were all pretty tired so we just ate and then went downstairs to the computer. We were uploading pictures we took at the concert venue and checking our Myspaces like good little computer addicts. While I was editing a couple of pictures, my phone started to ring. I recognized the ring tone (as I have a different ring tone for nearly everyone). It was Timmy. So I answered it and got off the computer... and inevitabley ended up being on the phone for about 2 1/2 hours (until 4 am my time, 2 am his time). We talked forever, and he is such a sweetheart. Strange, but very sweet. We talked about stuff I don't talk about with a lot of people. Life, philosophy, religion. Things like that. I didn't talk much, because I'm not the best with vocalizing my thoughts, but he understood. Besides, he is very good at speaking so he talked most of the time. But I didn't mind, I prefer to listen :) And I found out, last night, something that made me very happy. He has a crush on me :D He flat out said it. Just out of nowhere, he said "I like you." and I laughed, thinking he was just being a goof. But then he said "I have a crush on you." I wasn't sure how to respond, so I just giggled a little bit, and he said "What, you don't believe me?" I teased him a little bit, and never really did answer his question. He told me I'm very good at changing the subject, hahaha. Later on, though, he said "I'm going to be very blunt. Remember earlier I said I have a crush on you? Yeah, I wasn't lying. Is that bad?" To which I replied with a little more teasing before I told him I felt the same way. He said that made him very happy, and that when I finally get my ass over to California, or if he comes back to TN for MTAC, we are going on a date. Eeeee, I'm such a retard, I know. But he's so nice, and I think I started to like him before he liked me. So this is a first...because usually when I like someone they never return the feelings. :) He kept yawning and sounded so sleepy, and I kept telling him he should go to sleep, and that I didn't want to be keeping him awake if he was tired. But he said "No, if I fall asleep with you on the phone it's kind of like sleeping with you." I mentally "Awwww"ed when he said that, but just laughed and told him he was weird. His parents came in around 1:30 his time and started bitching at him in Cantonese xD;; Once he was done talking to them he told me what they said. He said they were telling him that he had to work in the morning and that he shouldn't be on the phone this late. And his dad said "If that girl really likes you she'd have let you go to bed earlier." xD I found that really funny, because for the past few hours I had been telling him he needed to sleep. Finally around 2am his time, he started being reallllyyyy funny and loopy, and I convinced him that he was retarded and NEEDED TO GO TO BED. xDDD I felt bad for keeping him up so late!! So he told me he was going to sleep, and we said good night. But it was a great conversation, it felt so good to find someone I can talk to about things like that :) Anyway here are some pictures from last night, yay! I'm a camera whore in the car. I really am. I eat Rachael's FAAAAAAACE!! Megan is so cuute ;3; D: waahh she makes me jealous I like this one a lot :D!! My hair is flufffyyy. I have an 80's poof of death. O: my face looks icky but oh well~ xXTOCXx

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Saturday, June 9, 2007

Current Song :: Love Song -- Luna Sea (my profile song)

So it's 1:30 am and I haven't been to sleep yet, I'm not tired in the least. I'm watching Degrassi and looking up lyric translations. I've come to realize something today.... No matter now many bands I enjoy listening to, only a select few really stand out to me. Really touch me and make my soul feel tugged on. Duel Jewel has always been there to do that for me, since nearly 4 years ago they've had a firm grip on my heart. Hayato's voice could melt steel, Shun's lyrics and guitar solos make my chest clench....Natsuki, Yuya, Val....all of them just light up a good portion of my life. And I'm eternally grateful for what they've done, though I know that it's just their career and what they love doing. But since then, D'espairs Ray has been able to achieve almost as firm of a grasp. That was especially strengthened when I saw them live. When I was able to cry while actually holding Zero in my arms, smelling his cologne and sweat on my clothing while he hugged me. While I teared up uncontrollabley, a silent sort of thanks to him. When I was able to hear Hizumi's accapella, see the tendons in his neck glisten while he threw back his head to wail out some of the most pained and beautiful notes I've ever heard. When I was able to see Zero's face while he played, to see his eyes close and a tranquil little smile cross his face despite the pounding rock music that hardly anyone would label as "serene"...yet that's the only adjective I could think of to describe the look on his face. I felt so overwhelmed that I could only lay my head down on the stage, close my eyes, and let the pounding of the music reverberate right into my body. It was so mesmerizing, I can still feel it just remembering...and it makes me want to cry. The happiest moments of my life were spent with my hair dye and makeup running in sweaty, tear-stained streaks down my face, leaning against a pounding speaker while being rammed into by screaming girls just wishing they were standing where I was. And I've noticed...despite the fact that I'm not quite as vivacious or dedicated of a fan to the other artists I'm about to list off....there is still something about them that stops the blood in my veins and keeps me from turning away. okay, here's an overkill-- Gackt. I've never considered myself a very big fan of his, but I do admit that he is an extraordinarily talented man. His voice is magnificent, and I've never thought otherwise. In fact I've never quite understood how anyone can say he is "talentless". I mean....granted, there are artists I don't like much either, even some that make me cringe. But I would never ever disrespect anyone who has enough courage to do what they do. That's just low. Anyway....his voice is just heart melting, and if I had to choose someone to sing a song for me, I have to admit he'd probably be second on the list. It's so gorgeous, I've cried on quite a few occasions listening to it. Satoshi from Girugamesh. Oh lord, this man's voice. It's just fabulous. Owari to Mirai shows it, especially. I can't listen to that song without feeling completely overwhelmed. His voice is just amazing. Kaya from Schwarz Stein....to be honest, I knew who he was for months before I had even seen a picture of him or listened to his music. Hannah has always been a Mana fanatic...and upon reading one of his journals or something, she came across the journals from a man called Kaya. She sent me the link, and I never really thoguht to read it, because if he was associated with Mana, I just didn't think I'd be interested. Then one day, I just decided...I was bored enough to go look it up. I didn't get off of his website for hours. I spent minute after minute after minute reading his words, wondering how such beautiful and sometimes silly things could come out of someone in a band like what I thought Schwarz Stein would be. Then a couple of months later, I realized I hadn't even listened to his music. This man who had brought me so much peace just by recording nonchalant little events in his day, and I hadn't even listened to his work. He has the voice of an angel, that's all I can describe it as. Sad and beautiful and agonizingly heart-wrenching all at the same time. And I love him for that. Owari to Mirai. I'd better get to bed...I'm supposed to be going over to Rachael's tomorrow. Good night xXTOCXx

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Thursday, June 7, 2007

Yeah so....remember a while ago I said I found some of my boredom-poems? Okay...it's with great apprehension that I post a couple of them, becuase, well...frankly I'm not proud of them and I don't consider them very well done or even very creative. But I did say I'd do it, so...here you go. I'll just put all 4 of them. [1] Counter attack, tread on me If my distress keeps you breathing just one second more I’d readily welcome the lashes the stakes the welts enflamed under your gaze I’d deny the pain, not in falsehood but in suggestion that you stay keep your heart beating your veins rushing for just one second more. [2] Severing the hands that nurtured you only surrounded by tainted snow Condemning what once was to a hellish strand of regret unshakable despite your vigor Recalling previous dreams leaving you vulnerable, frail amidst your deception Unable to visualize to comprehend the flavor of delusion to appreciate the lost and the obtained Relishing in your decay victimizing my sentiments with shattered sincerity put aside. [3] Bringing the sweetness that bitter euphoria this constant need for validation entwined in a sense of unease Confused, displeasured, unsure. all in all it comes to this a match made in desperation feigning white light when your reality is deep in shadow. [4] Breaking down these walls even the stone weeps beneath my ragged fingers crying against the filth the rips the wounds seething with regret and a thirst for redemption for want of salvation to conceive a bright horizon you discover a state of mind where the unthinkable becomes reason where rationale is obsolete. yeeeeeah. It's been a while since I've written anything. Cut me some slack? xXTOCXx

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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Sarah and Kathy spent the night at my house last night. We watched Haggard, Jackass 2, and Waiting (they're huge Jackass/Dane Cook fans xDDD). And then we were watching the Rundown, but Sarah fell asleep so Kathy and I got onto the computer, and I got on youtube. I wasn't intending to stay on youtube for 2 1/2 hours <____< But I did. I ended up watching really freaky Japanese commercials involving Gackt just to show Kathy how fucked in the head he is bahahaha. also, about this SKIN thing (Yoshiki/Gackt/Sugizo/Miyavi band) Seriously, people are pissing me off. They're having fits about the lineup, when it's none of the goddamned business. They should at least wait until they hear some motherFUCKING music before they judge the band, and THEN if they don't like it here's a concept DON'T FUCKING LISTEN TO IT. SHOVE IT UP YOUR CRABLOUSE INFESTED FUCKING CUNT AND GROW A SPINE YOU IMMATURE JACKASSES. Yes, this pisses me off. Very badly. And I'm not even extremely excited about the band, to be honest, I could care less about it. I just dont see any reason for anyone to fucking be all stupid about it and throw a goddamned hissy fit about something so ridiculous. Argh. I hate people. I'm dying my hair right now, redoing the purple/blue. I have to rinse it out in about 10 more minutes. I'm going to bike night at a bar tonight with my parents O__o;;; Sounds flat out strange, doesn't it? Hahaha. Too bad I can't buy beer =o=;;; xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, June 5, 2007

*sighs* So....basically I've realized. If I lived in California -- I would have had at least 2 really hot boyfriends by now. Because...this kid I've known for a couple years lives in CA. I've mentioned him before, Momo should know who I'm talking about but maybe not.... Anyway...he had a crush on me. I had a crush on him. He was hot, too, might I add. But since he lived so far away from me, we didn't make it into anything serious. Or really anything at all. We just flirted insanely. I talked to him today for the first time in a long while. He go on microphone with me, and it turns out he's a lot less stupid when he's actually speaking. (He types like a retard =o=) And he sent me a picture. ............................. That boy. Got so freakishly hot over the past few months. I about had an orgasm on the spot. Good. Holy. Hell. Of course, he's taken now. Just my luck, right? hahaha e____e THEN of course....there's my new little...interest....Timmy. He lives in CA now, of course. Because everyone is moving to Cali. Lucky bastards. He keeps hinting at wanting to date me. If we lived close, in fact, we probably would be dating. But no. Of course not. Anytime I'm interested in someone, and they're interested back -- they live an extreme distance away. And long distance relationships are not something I want to deal with...besides they're pretty looked down upon by my parents and friends. So...yes. *sighs* I'll see Timmy next April, he's coming back to Nashville for that convention again. I don't know if it's to see me or if I'm just being vain and he only wants to go to the con. Lol. Oh well.... I like flirting over the phone anyway. I'd prefer to do it in person, but...like I said. My luck is pretty nonexistant lately [/whining] It's 3:00 am, I should go to bed now.... but I'm not tired. Goddamnit. xXTOCXx Good Lord. Koda Kumi is fucking HOT.

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Monday, June 4, 2007

current song :: Hot Stuff - Koda Kumi (feat.km-markit)

Bleehh...I woke up to Rachael calling my cell phone at noon for computer help (because everyone knows I am the queen computer-nerd). Haha...fuck I sleep in too late during the summer. Things with Megan are...complicated right now. She thinks Rachael and I hate her now or something, even though we've not said an unkind word to her since last night (despite the fact that the night of the incident, I did scream at her while she was drunk. But she deserved that and she knows it.) Rachael and I were probably too nice to her, in fact, yesterday. We called her from my house and Rachael told her that, had she been there, she wouldn't have let her drink anything, and that she still loved her to death but what she did was wrong. We told her that she had scared the absolute shit out of me and that she wasn't supposed to have any alcohol whatsoever. She was just very quiet and didn't respond much. And then later last night Scott calls us back, because Rachael had called him earlier to ask about what happened from him, but he didn't answer. He tells us that Megan had called him crying and saying that Rachael and I hated her because she drank?? WHAT THE HELL? I got so mad when he told us that, I couldn't believe she'd say something like that. My mindset at that point was: Either she's really stupid and actually thinks that or she's just really pathetic and wants attention. I don't know. Rachael wants me and Megan to come spend the night at her house. We'll discuss it all there. In the meantime, I need to call Sarah and Kathy and have them come over... We're supposed to be making a movie to push over our boredom for the summer. But we haven't gotten together yet. I hate complicated things. But I suppose it could have been worse. I should be grateful Megan didn't hurt herself Friday night instead of just being a pain in the ass. I'm going to go to the gym =__= I need to slim down before school starts again. Blah. xXTOCXx ::edit:: My favorite favorite Dir en grey era. They all look so amazing. And this song is to die for. Speaking of Die....he fucking SHREDDDDDS this song!! Kicks it's asss >D

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Sunday, June 3, 2007

I can't go into detail because Rachael is here right now and I don't want to be rude by being on the computer all night.... last night started horrible, got really fun, then ended more horrible than when it started. Rachael's mom went psycho on us and wouldn't let her spend the night anymore, Megan had too much to drink and I almost killed her ass. It was so full of drama... I don't even know. I didn't drink anything, and I don't intend to for another few weeks at the very least...not since my little visit to the hospital. Mitch and Rachael and Scott all know I'm not supposed to drink, and I never drink without one of them there anyway. So they'll keep me in check if I try to, but I really don't think I will. Not after last night... Megan went crazy on me after everyone else left and just....the alcohol made her insane. She scared me. She honestly scared the hell out of me. I thought if I left her alone for 3 seconds she'd kill herself or run off drunk into the highway or something. I couldn't sleep. I didn't get to sleep until 6 am and I only slept because Scott (her boyfriend) came over to help me calm her down. He told me he'd get her back in the house before he left and that I should go to bed. It was awful. I have a headache and I'm so tired... As soon as Rachael goes home I'm going to call Timmy (my chinese friend that i said was a shun look-alike...he's so sweet and flirty, he makes me feel better.) and then go to sleep. Then if I wake up in time I'm gonna call Hannah... I haven't been that scared in a long time. I honestly thought I was going to lose Megan somehow... We're not letting her drink. Anymore. Not for a long time. She has no self control... xXTOCXx

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