Saturday, June 2, 2007

Currently Watching: Romeo Must Die (I love Jet Li XD)

Taken from a blog I wrote on Myspace a few days ago.... I need to end this. Maiming myself and who I thought I wanted to be. My body, both phyiscal and otherwise, can't take this weight. I don't have the strength to continue desecrating myself, despite the many hands keeping me just above the surface. So many have helped or are helping me keep afloat. Stopping me from drowning amidst my horrible decisions and ridiculously unjust and hypocritical reasoning. I've welcomed things that could classify me as "unstable". Alcohol, nicotine, pain, regret, melodrama. And yet the odd thing is... I appreciate everything. I treasure the things I've learned in my short time on Earth. The positive, the negative, everything I've experienced has intertwined into the tangled mess I call my home, my mind, my life. Sometimes I find that all I need is a little serenity. A moment to embrace the tranquility that daily life seems to make me forget exists. Capturing a flicker of light embedded deeply into myself. I don't need to continue the way I once lived, bound tightly against myself in a feeble attempt at redemption. Kept sheltered for want of something more. I wanted invigoration. I wanted inspiration. I'd wanted nothing more than the excitement I'd been denying myself. My faith doesn't lie in religion, I don't need the idea of a higher being to instill fear or bliss, or whatever it is people so aimlessly search for, into my heart. I don't need to force feed myself convictions I know in my heart won't bring me any salvation. All I will discover is a new hatred for my ignorance, a pained resentment brought forth because I can't bring myself to truly believe in anything on that level. Because I can't find that euphoric bliss that ignorance is said to blanket one in. I don't like blocking my better senses. As I look back on myself...there is only one conclusion that all my reasoning can deduct down to. Nothing is set in stone. The weak are illustrious, the courageous are apprehensive. Dusk masks us in false hope of a brighter tomorrow, while daybreak brings us to think "just one more uneventful day..." Nothing makes you miserable. Misery doesn't exist. Grief, tribulation, heartache. It's pure myth. We can omit the negative, if we so choose to. Nothing is unreachable. But what is life without a few sinkholes? If we don't learn to descend into the abhorrent, we'll never learn to surface. To keep our heads above the water. Perfection is a falsehood. Flaws are what makes the dim seem prestigous. I'm still learning how to accept the cracks, the rips in everything I've held dear to me. But in the end it will fit together in some sort of painstaking disarray. That is my fairy tale ending. Take time to think about life Appreciate what you can bring yourself to. Do it for your own sake. xXTOCXx

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

so I didn't do much today I spent the night at Megan's house last night, which was pretty uneventful. But today all I did was talk on the internet with people. I was putting on my eyeliner, and before I knew it it was more intricate than I had planned xD;; So I photowhored. xDD I'm lame. Meh...I dyed my hair blue (where the red was). But that was a few days ago ._. ...actually it was more like Sunday. I really want to get drunk, I didn't think it'd be this hard to stop for a while. I must be addicted. Fuck... I have to just keep my promise to Hannah. At least one month before I touch a drink. And I'm quitting smoking. I have to. Things I learned recently: •I'm a bigger flirt than I realized ••especially when I'm drunk •Georgette is one of the most amazing people I know, I'm glad I found her again. •I'm kind of pathetic •I think I'm dependant on my Zoloft. •I'm starting to scare myself. fabulous. I need to chew some ice o__x xXTOCXx

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

I went to the hospital last night... I was there for 8 hours. 2 of which were spent in the waiting room, 6 of which were spent hooked up to an IV full of saline and a hospital gown on (but hey, it wasn't the kind with no ass, so I'm okay!). I was outside most of the time my parents were in the waiting room. I was crying on the phone to Hannah for two hours, because I was so terrified that my parents would find out how much I'd drank in the past week. She got me through it, and promised me whatever happened would be for the best. I was so scared, all I could think about was them finding out how much I betrayed their trust and took advantage of it. I didn't want the hospital to call me back there. They had to do tests that...were very embarassing... I really don't want to remember it. And I had to have a cat scan, so they made me drink about 40 oz of this absolutely repulsive orange liquid that was supposed to dye my insides or something so they would show up on the cat scan. It took me an hour to get it all down because I had to keep stopping for fear it was all coming back up =___= My parents had to leave the room for one precedure (I don't want to talk about it. I'm serious. Don't ask.) and so when they left, I told the doctor I had drank last weekend (which I had, so it wasn't entirely a lie) and I asked him if that would have caused internal bleeding. He said that alcohol can cause it, but I was bleeding too severely for it to be caused my just that. He didn't tell my parents. I am so grateful. I'm making Rachael and Megan and Scott promise they won't let me drink anymore. Not for a long time, anyway. The male nurse was a cuuuuuuuuuute Korean guy. I was mad. I had no makeup on, the mascara I had put on earlier was in tear streaks down my face, my hair hadnt been washed in two days, and I had no fucking underwear on underneath that gown (and I could tell it was plotting some way to move so I would flash the whole hospital.) He was sweet though, and he took me to my CAT scan and unhooked/rehooked up my IV, and talked me through it all. They didn't really tell us what it was... They really didn't. They just told us what it wasn't. We know now it's not a tumor and it's not something really serious that we're aware of. And it's not so much bleeding that I would be in danger of blood loss. But right now I'm pumped so full of saline and that nasty cat scan fluid that i feel sick as hell. I'm going to go lay down again, and I don't plan on going anywhere today except the damned shower. xXTOCXx

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Saturday, May 26, 2007

I just got home from Scott's last night was fabulous. I called that guy who gave me his number while I was on my way to Scott's house, and I talked to him for about two hours until my cell phone died. He told me that I was a flirty drunk (he'd talked to me when drunk last week) and I didn't believe him until I asked Megan and she agreed with him xD We flirted a lot and he was really sweet. I called Kiku and Lauren, and I remember they were laughing because I couldn't form my sentences correctly. Kiku told me about the concert, and told me the set list. And surprisingly, I wasn't sad at all...it could have been that I had 4 Bacardis swimming in my system, but even right now, when I'm sober, I'm not really that upset anymore. They both bought me a photo set, I'm happy for that at least... Anyway... My Zoloft is making my stomach bleed. I haven't had a period in 2 or 3 months. And I've lost at least 6 pounds in the past 2 weeks. ...this can't be good. No one knows about my stomach bleeding, I'm going to go to the doctor soon, though. I can't tell my parents right now because I'm scared that if I go to the doctor they'll find out I drank last night or that I just had a cigarette or something...and I'm paranoid. So I'll tell them later tonight or something. Hope I don't die. Summer Vacation better be a good one...I have no plans thus far. I still find myself forgetting I don't have to go back to school for 3 months... and that I'll be a Junior. It's exciting but..at the same time it's sad. My best friends at school are going to be graduating...D: And I'll be a senior alone...sort of. I have friends in my grade, yeah, but I'm going to miss Rachael and Megan when I'm a senior... Eehhh D: I found this stuff I wrote last week I haven't written anything in at least a year, I just lost any will to do it anymore. I wish I could find my old stuff. Some of it actually wasn't that bad... I was about to paste some of it in here. But now I'm just mad again. I was just informed that Gackt, Miyavi, Yoshiki, and Sugizo will be performing at Anime Expo. someone please shoot me in the face. Right now. Come to Tennessee and put a bullet in my forehead. I won't mind. =__= xXTOCXx

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Friday, May 25, 2007

Well... today's that day... I need my alcohol.. Scott bought me a pack of smirnoff. I going to drink the whole damned thing ): -sighs- xXTOCXx

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Friday, May 18, 2007

I'm just going to get trashed on the 25th, I've decided. Bacardi and Smirnoff makes for a very happy and forgetting-about-JRR alayna. On the bright side: I've found that I'm an extremely vivacious flirter. o__o I just got some guy's number. some really REALLY attractive almost Shun-clone guy's number. .....*maniacal laugh* This pleases me. Of course I'll probably never call him because I'm too shy, but he has my new cell number and I've given him blatant permission to hit me up whenever he feels the need to *bats eyelashes innocently*. Yuky's so sweeeeeet too, gah! he's been online more often lately and I've had so many Spanish conversations in the past 4 days XD Which was good, because I've also had 2 Spanish tests in the past week. And I aced them both ;D He's a flattering little wanker kehehe. Always makes me laugh. Only 2 more days of school and I'm so out of there. And then I get to be a Junior, take way too many AP and Honors classes, and fill out college and scholarship applications. How joyous. xXTOCXx

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

JRR is cancelled I'm selling my ticket Megan just fucking ditched me My Zoloft is making me sick to my stomach and I can't listen to any music without thinking of the concert and crying wtf is wrong with this weekend. I want silence. xXTOCXx

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Saturday, May 5, 2007

I really wonder why I keep this account sometimes. Honestly I don't ever talk to anyone using this, except for Becky. She's the only one who reads this. Why don't I just start talking directly to her then @_@? I mean it'd make sense but...meh. Anyway..I haven't been on in a while. Never had much of anything to report. I went to Megan's yesterday for an early birthday party at her apartment's pool. It rained so hard while we were in it, and it was late at night. Eventually a neighbor yelled at us to pack it up because it was raining and the pool was closed. Bitch. So anyway here's pictures: Skinny, adorable little Megan. She's so tiny D: Callie's on the chair behind her, and Little Rachel is behind her on the right. Little Rachel. SHE. IS. SO. TEENY. Dx -envyenvyenvy- Mitchell looking slightly like Bam Margera in that coat xD XD It was raining, I look like an Oshare wet rat. Callie eating cake! Ahhh she's so pretty ): I look like such ass compared to her ugh -blushes- Yeeeah. Being around all my pretty friends (except Callie who is one of the most gorgeous but I don't think likes me very much ._.) made me pretty self conscious. I almost hate that almost all my friends are so beautiful. I love them to death but being with them, watching people stare and know they're definitely not looking at me, being with them while they're being hit on by strangers who aren't old gross men or ravished by boyfriends, it all makes me kind of want to just crawl into a corner until it's over. I'm such a jealous whore D: But I don't know how to help it so...whatever. Two more weeks until I'm out. I still don't want to talk about LA, the thought makes me nauseous because I still don't know what's going on. Thanks. xXTOCXx

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Saturday, April 28, 2007

I've come to the conclusion... I may still be able to go to Jrock Rev. but in the instance that I don't go... I've accepted it. And hey, DJ may do a tour this summer! And besides Miyavi...they're all I really wanted to see. Yeah I'm gonna miss this chance to see all my friends in LA, but I'm planning on moving to Cali. in a couple years anyway. But I don't want to talk about it, because it's still kind of upsetting... in other news, I've just uploaded about 7 ringtones to my new cell phone xDD;; I win. 2 Duel Jewel 1 Dir en grey 2 Déspairs Ray 1 Miyavi 1 Sadie and I'm going for more in a second... This is so much fun 8DD I get them for freeeee but I'm bound to secrect so I'm sorry, I can't tell anyone xDD!! xXTOCXx ::Edit:: Make that nine new ringtones I just added Super Junior and Son Ho Young to the mix whooooooooo xDD okay no more!! no one calls me enough to have 9 extra ringtones I ABUSED IT ABUUUUUSED IT XDD

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Not going. ...that's the end of that...

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